Monday, July 18, 2011
Yeah, I'm on a streak. I actually have been a workout MACHINE and....actually eating within almost all of my ranges (besides potassium and calcium some days) for the last FIVE days. I'm almost nervous about writing this down because sometimes when I put something out there, I feel pressure. Of course, this is obviously self-inflicted pressure since I know you all wouldn't think less of me for a slip-up. But I do. I think less of myself. I get a little bit closer every single time I get back up, to accepting myself, forgiving myself, and realizing that it's a heckuva lot easier and better for my emotional, physical, and mental health to just stay on track.
I was talking to a friend the other day, and I came to the realization that I am sabotaging myself because I am scared that if I succeed, something bad will happen to me. Nothing has; it's just a foreboding, and I wonder now if that is just my fat self wanting the old fat me back. The self-pitying, self-loathing creature that just existed to be negative, woe-is-me and all. I think that the old fat me HATES the new me, and doesn't want me to be happy. Now I need to figure out what to do about the old me, because she still is a part of me, not sure how big a part, but still a part. I do know that she still encompasses the compulsive/impulsive part of me. I need to embrace her somehow, and accept her as a part of me.
I note that this streak came off a pretty big binge on Wednesday last week. I had a normal day of eating that came around 1600 calories, but then proceeded to take "advantage" of the BOGO Blizzard at DQ, plus getting a hot fudge sundae for my daughter. And eating nearly all of that (2 medium blizzards and part of a sundae). I then had 2 burgers from Burger King (hmmm,....king and queen much?). I had the Whopper and Double Bacon Stacker. All of this was SOOOO good; well, except for the second blizzard. Ick.
But guess how I felt afterwards when I looked up the calories? Not good. As always, I felt nothing and thought nothing while eating the food, and made up for the lack of feelings afterward as I beat myself up.
But, the next morning, I looked forward, and pushed onward. I made new plans, bought fresh healthy groceries, and did what I needed to do. Day 1 passed, then day 2, day 3, day 4, and here I am finishing up day 5.
Tomorrow for day 6? I plan on running at least 3 miles, going on the elliptical for at least 40 minutes, and spinning for 30 minutes. Crazy? Maybe, but I LOVE it. I love to work out. I also have my meals planned for tomorrow, which I have in my food tracker that is public for anyone to look at.
I guess the point of this blog, is that I am getting to be feeling proud of myself again and more sure of myself and not feeling like I need to hide.
Now, it is time to put my sick little girl to bed. Toodles, all!!
Monday, July 11, 2011
I didn't take pictures of my meals, so instead I am showing you my shopping list for today:
Watermelon (on sale this week)
1 loaf of bread
Cereal (whatever is on sale)
Whole grain pasta
Soups for casseroles
Fruit snacks (mainly for Kaylee)
Crackers for snacks
Ground Beef (extra lean)
Top Sirloin (on sale this week for $3.88/pound)
The rest are nonfood-related :o}
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
To preface this blog entry, this was my first "competitive" race I have run since the Frozen Feat 10K back in February. I was super excited, but nervous, and wondering what to expect of myself.
I woke up early the morning of the race since my daughter has been an earlier rise as of late. I was able to take my time, eat a bowl of Apple Jacks (breakfast of champions!!), a banana, drink plenty of water, and then head out the door after making sure I was wearing what I needed including my hat and sunglasses. I hadn't picked up my packet yet because I forgot the Y closed at 6 on Sundays, but I knew I'd have plenty of time. I parked across the bridge from the event so I would have plenty of walking before the race. I got the packet, which had dark chocolate almonds, Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, fruit snacks, a shirt, Biofreeze, and a bunch of coupons in it. I was really excited about the almonds, since apparently there is not one store in town here that has these famous chocolate dusted almonds and I have been wanting to try them.
I brought the packet back to my car along with my sunglasses since the humidity was seriously high, and I knew that they would fog up badly during the race. On the way back over the bridge, I noted something that had my stomach sinking. I forgot my Garmin. My plan was to check my pace after the 1st mile and then 2nd mile so I could hopefully beat my PR of 29:15 since I wasn't confident about knowing my pace without it.
I had 20 minutes to go before the race, but by the time I could get back to my car, go home, get the Garmin, and get back, I would be cutting it close, and why start out the race stressed out? So, I let it go, and joined the other runners to warm up and stretch before the race. I saw a few people I knew, and chatted with another Red River Runner, who was running the 10K. We talked about our goals, and also about shoes and future races, and he told me some of his experiences and gave me advice. Jim's a great guy to talk to about running! Loved the conversation we had.
Before we knew it, the horn blew, and then I realized 2 things: This was NOT a chipped race, and I was in the back of the group. I didn't have the Garmin, and I forgot to look at the timer when I crossed the start line, so I couldn't honestly say what my time really was.
The first 1/4 mile was spent slowly moving past people. This race was on the Greenway, which is not very wide, and a lot of walkers were walking 3-4 people wide, making it a bit difficult to navigate around them without bumping either them or other people. I always forget to move toward the middle or front of the group so I can avoid this.
By the time I hit the half mile mark, I knew that the humidity was a HUGE factor in this race. My face was already super sweaty and red, I had to really focus on my breathing, and my legs felt a bit like lead. I kept pushing, though.
The water station was at about the 1 mile mark on the side. This threw me off, and I thought that there might be another one at the turnaround point, so I skipped the water this time. Oops, turns out there wasn't another water station. I still felt pretty good after turning around and felt like I got my second wind, so I pushed a bit harder. I started petering out, though, not long after. I knew that I would have to walk soon, so I told myself that I would walk through the water station and maybe even for a few seconds after.
A thought going through my mind this whole time? I had to pee. That always seems to happen to me. During runs, I never have to pee. Race time? Never fails.
Okay, so I walked for a total of 1 minute through the water station and after, then picked it up again. I did end up having to walk for another 30 seconds around mile 2.25 because I knew if I didn't, I wouldn't have the energy to sprint at the end, which I really wanted to do because my daughter and DH would be at the finish line waiting for me.
I started "reeling in" the racers in front of me, which I LOVE DOING. It makes me feel good to finish out a race strong and run past those strong guys and ladies. When I saw the finish line, I kicked my speed up and blew past the lady I had been unable to pass the whole race. I went and grabbed a banana and a water after (no, not the donuts, cookies, or pound cake) and went on a long cool-down walk after with my DD and DH.
My finishing time: 30:24
Age Group: 6/31
I hope to add a picture later!
Friday, July 01, 2011
I think most days will be a test, will have ups and downs, but here's the deal: I have it made. I have a great life. I have a wonderful husband who, though not perfect, is a perfect fit for me as a husband, and as a father. I have a joyful gorgeous daughter who lights up my life, but can get on my very last nerves. I have a fantastic dog who is my companion on walks and keeps me company while I work, but apparently decided she doesn't like other dogs anymore, ergo having to keep a distance now from other dogs (not an easy feat considering there are 20 dogs on my block alone).
There are positives. There are negatives. But overall, I have the above, and I also have my health, my sanity, a decent head on my shoulders, a positive future, a great job, an exciting career to go to school for once my great job ends, a charming house that we have made our home, happiness, and an appreciation for my life.
So though I may make my day in a blog seem to be full of trials and tribulations, I fully know just how blessed I am...and I don't take it for granted. I feel that a lot of the negative things that “happen” to me are mostly my reactions to the situations, and sometimes I tend to try to control a situation, which I just can't do. I can only control what I do about it.
Onto my day. Friday, July 1! July!!!! July???? OMG. I feel like the summer is half over already. I really don't want it to end! And July signals a truly crazy busy month for me. The 4th of July (which includes an 8 a.m. 5K), my daughter's 2nd birthday on July 11 and the party on the 10th (which I still need to buy, like, everything for), my husband going to Las Vegas for a mancation the following day for 4-5 days, the Warrior Dash that I am participating in with a few SP outside of Minneapolis. And much more I'm sure. But, I'm not going to stress about it.
Um. My Day? My alarm went off at 5:15 for the gym. I realized pretty much right away that my run last night really did me in, and there was NO way I was going and putting in an hour on the elliptical machine plus ST. Yup, that is going to wait until tomorrow after my legs rest for a day (well, not the elliptical, but another 4-mile run). My daughter, oh lovely little girl, decided to pull an epic sleep-in, and slept until 7:45 (thank god she woke up then, because I had to work at 8 and didn't have an alarm set...she always wakes up by 7!!). Blessed sleep....I had plenty!
My day wasn't bad. Pretty boring really, except sweet Kaylee decided that she didn't want a nap until later, and went down about 2 p.m. She got up around 4, and hubby decided to take her out. It was then that he found out she is seriously seriously afraid of mosquitoes and SCREAMS when she just sees one. If she doesn't get over that soon, we're in for a long summer. Those dragonflies only eat so many of them!
My eating today was pretty darned good. I didn't literally track everything but I did take stock of everything I had as I had them, and listened to my body. I am trying that approach because I really feel like I need a break from tracking every little thing. That is, unless I start going nuts with food because I am not tracking. But, I am still planning all my meals. I am just not 100% if it is in my calorie ranges. A little experiment, you see.
For dinner I made Creamy Pasta Bake. Basically, whole wheat noodles, a jar of spaghetti sauce, 1 cup of light sour cream, 1 pound of hamburger browned with chopped onion and a bit of sloppy joe seasoning (for more flavor) and then all put together and baked in the oven at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Sometimes I put mozzarella on top, but this time I didn't. I find that cottage cheese mixed in really is yummy too.
Hmmmm....I tried getting ST in today but only got a set of pushups in (a wimpy 4) and a few Supermans. So, I plan on doing that tomorrow, which was when I planned to do it anyhow.
I had a smaller craving for ice cream again today, but it passed, and when I brought Kaylee home I gave her a bath, brushed MY teeth, washed the dishes while she watched her episode of Dora before bedtime, put away laundry, got my running clothes, water, and banana ready for the morning (I plan to go out at 5 a.m. since the gym doesn't open until 7:30 and Corey has to work at the grocery store at 9). The run planned is 4 miles.
Soooo, day 2 of ending my day as strong as I started it (even stronger)! I love this challenge, and I love when my focus is healthy and happy.
Friday, July 01, 2011
My day yesterday had its ups and downs. It started out with the fact that the night before, I had to work to make up time (my computer was down, and you can only count an hour towards downtime, unfortunately mine was 3-1/2 hours, and I had to work for 2-1/2 hours after Kaylee went to bed). When my alarm went off to go to the gym, my first and only thought was “Yeah, Right.” I turned that sucker off, decided that Thursday was to be my day off instead of Friday, and promptly fell back asleep.
At 6:45, as per usual my DD woke up. My DH got up with her (how nice!) and right away she stepped on the dog's prong collar. She had been dragging that collar and leash around the other day (yes, yes..bad mommy alert) and I didn't remember to pick it up and put it away. So, she wasn't happy about that (who would be??). I always clean out her sippy cup and put fresh milk in it before I go to bed, because my DD is very particular about getting her milk RIGHT away when she gets up. Guess what I forgot to do? Yup. AND, she hid her sippy cup, so DH couldn't find it. So, I ended up getting up anyway to find it (she hid it in the cupboard of her little kitchen), clean it out, and get her milk all the while she is throwing a tantrum (terrible 2's anyone?).
Oh, and I made the STUPID mistake of stepping on the scale after the night before having a bit too much of Tuna Helper and having my bloaty period hit me. What did I see? A number I haven't seen since last OCTOBER! 170.0. I haven't been 170 in SO long, and it made me want to burst into tears (the day before I was 168.8).
I kind of was in a brooding mood after that until my first break at work around 10:30. Yesterday was hellahot. It got up to a heat index of 110 degrees with the humidity. I'm sure most are used to it by now, but up here in arctic North Dakota, I only usually DREAM of this kind of heat. I was in HEAVEN. I spent that 15 minutes of a walk with my dog reflecting on my morning, and letting it go. By the time I got back to work, my attitude was happy and positive again, and I wrote down a list of strength training exercises that I would incorporate into my work day to break up the monotony of sitting at my desk. By the end of my work day, I got in 30 crunches, 30 reverse crunches, 30 Russian twists, 30 cross twist crunches, 30 seconds x2 of balancing on a ball thingy for the core, 50 lunges, 50 squats, 30 calf raises, and heel and toe walks across the room x2 each (so obviously I did lower body and core). Today the plan is upper body with some other forms of core (thinking planks). It is a good way for me to make sure I get plenty of ST in besides what I do at the gym (which I know sometimes isn't enough).
Hmmmm, so for dinner I made couscous with sauteed mushrooms, onions, and garlic for me, and roasted potatoes, green beans, carrots, and onions for my DH and DD. Unfortunately, I was on the phone with my mom where I was seriously distracted by what she was asking of me (a blog for another day) and I not only made the couscous with chicken broth (read: sodium) but also put the salt in there, plus onion salt in the sauteed veggies. This made for a SERIOUSLY salty dinner for me. It really didn't taste nearly as good as it could have because of that, and by the time dinner was over, I really was craving ice cream (100 degrees plus outside plus all that salt). We went out for a walk, then went out and about to a few stores, including the grocery store. By this time, I had a loop of thoughts in my head that were just bringing me down into a dark depressed place. It went something like this:
I feel fat.
I am fat.
I feel jiggly. My belly. My god.
I want ice cream.
I want to be skinny.
If only I could have the surgeon fix my jiggly hangy belly RIGHT NOW, my body would be exactly where I want it to be.
But, I don't want that. That would be the easy way (instead of trying hard for another year to see if things tighten up if I put the effort into it).
I want ice cream NOW. Screw all this hard work. All I see is gain anyway (not true, though...my mind playing a nasty trick on me...I see the gain because of things out of my control AND in my control).
By the time we get out of the grocery store (with no ice cream, mind you), my DH asks me what's wrong, and is it him? I said no....and finally told him the thoughts in my head above. I decide there's nothing wrong with being honest. The only difference? At the end of my tirade, I looked to him and said “I want to RUN.”
So, he told me I could go to the gym and run if I wanted to, and so I did. I ran my A$$ off. I walked for a couple of minutes at 4.0 mph, put it , up to 6.0 mph for a minute, and I started to feel some emotions welling up inside of me, so I cranked that sucker up to 7.0 mph, then 7.5 mph, and decided to just fly for a while until I couldn't fly any more.
Final result of that angry, frustrated, wanting to kick my own a$$ run? 4.1 miles in 35:19. That is the fastest I have ever run, race or no race. And I felt amazing. I felt free again. I looked like poo when I looked in the mirror, but I felt a rush like no other. It's been SO long since I felt that after a run. Heck, it's been a long time since I have felt that way, period!
I probably won't push myself like that TOO often as I need to stay injury-free while I am training, but I tell you what. I felt like I pushed myself to run through a barrier, an obstacle that was both mental and physical.
And I finished this day out strong, stronger than I even started it.
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