Thursday, June 30, 2011
My declaration of independence will be reminding myself where I am now compared to where I was.
Pre-Pregnancy at approximately 240 pounds (I am 5'7"):
Me post-pregnancy at approximately 265-270 pounds (August 2009):
Not my most recent picture, but pretty close to how I look right now (maybe a little more jiggly in my tummy now) at 160:
My weight when I first started my journey in 2009: 286 pounds
My weight when I started this challenge: 168.8
Lowest weight: 158 (I refuse to count the 152 I saw when I was sick).
This time 2 years ago I could not walk more than 30 feet without being seriously short of breath.
Now, I have run numerous races including the 5K, 7K, 8K, 10K, and half marathon. I love running, and do plan on running another half marathon in the fall, and maybe a full marathon a year from then.
This time 2 years ago I was in a size 24.
Now, I am still comfortably in a size 10 (I was at 8 for a while).
This time 2 years ago I was scared about how much weight I had to lose.
Now, I am finally freeing myself of the fear of weight that I have never lost before, at least that I recall (my lowest weight I remember seeing as a teen was 165).
This time 2 years ago I hated the idea of going to the gym.
Now, I miss the gym if I skip a day. I have my own little family there! Shout outs to Julie, Shawn, Mare, Barb, Cindy, Noel, Boop, Steve, Linda, Kerri, and so many others! You notice when I am gone, and that sure makes me feel loved!!
This time 2 years ago food was more important than me.
Now, I still find myself reminding myself that it is not, that it is fuel, but I am more successful now than I ever was before!
This time 2 years ago I was reluctant to let go of my last "crutch" that I used to deal with stress - comfort/emotional eating. Before, I had other addictions that sufficed including smoking and gambling. I have not smoked since October 2, 2006. I have not gambled since February 26, 2004.
Now, I know there are healthier ways to deal with stress, namely running ;o}
My journey has been a long one, folks, but it will be ongoing for the rest of my life. It doesn't stop beause you lose all the weight. That's when the fun starts ;o} Of course, I haven't lost all my weight. I have 10-20 pounds to go, maybe even 30. Does that scare me anymore? No, because I just need to believe in myself, and to become independent of my food addiction.
I am a warrior.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
DIY Challenge Entry Form
My Challenge Name: Warrior Pride Challenge
My Starting Weight: 168.8 pounds
Four Other things I will be measuring during this challenge & their current stats: (body measurements, race times, crunch max, jeans size, whatever YOU need to track)
1. Hips: 40 inches
2. Thigh: 24 inches
3. 5K Time: Beat 29:15
4. Push-Ups: 8
If I am going to be 100% honest with myself, the reason I am doing this challenge is because:
- I am not holding myself accountable for longer than half the day.
- I am just feeling bloated, icky, and it's getting hotter and hotter out and I really want to feel comfy wearing tank tops and shorts.
- I need to push myself and be the warrior I know I am. I need to FINISH every workout that I set out to do and not do it half-a$$.
- On that same note, I need to do the same for my eating. I need to FINISH out the day as strong as I always start it. I need to be a finisher. Therefore, I pledge to myself today to FINISH out this challenge and not just start it. I will not be one of the 85% that stop.
I feel like the reason that I have not been progressing as well as I hoped I would be is because:
- Like Yoovie, "my brain had not caught up with the changes in my body yet, but now I've had time to adjust and am ready to move forward." That is EXACTLY where I am at.
- Also, another reason I am not progressing is because I have been half-a$$ing it since October. I do fantastic in the beginning, but don't finish, and that is what I need to do.
This time, I commit to finishing my challenge because I know that:
- If I put myself out there, if I finish what I set out to do in this challenge, I will be proud of myself for not only finishing the challenge and not quitting or fading into the distance, but also I will be proud of the results. What I put into this challenge is what I will get out of this challenge. And it will only help the results for my other challenge (Biggest Loser).
I'm scared of:
- Still not being happy with my body image. I am 50% there most days, but on days like these where I see my weight climbing and not going down, and I am feeling bloated and my size 8 shorts aren't fitting, it's hard to be happy with it.
- Quitting. Not finishing. Not holding myself accountable. I need to let this fear go NOW or it will become realized.
I want to:
- Before I go to bed each night, know that I did the best I could and FINISHED my day strong.
But I have faith in:
- My focus and determination once I have fully committed.
And THIS TIME, I will NOT quit, because THIS TIME:
- I am putting my foot down and becoming the finisher I know that I can be.
My top five non-health related motivations right now are:
1. My next vacation which of course will include a beach.
2. Not having to get a tummy tuck if at all possible, or having at least less for the surgeon to work on.
3. Being able to wear the least amount of clothes as possible whether working out or just because it is hot out.
4. MILF. Yeah, that is probably disrespectful to myself and other mommies about there, but I want to be a MILF, or at least feel I am one ;o}
5. Clothes. I love hot clothes. Beautiful clothes, dresses, skirts, sleeveless shirts, any clothes. Heels. And I want my body to match those clothes as much as I conceivably can. I love clothes. I never realized this until I could buy clothes off the rack, and since then I have been wanting them to look better on me (read: Muffin top).
The best way to motivate me is to:
- Ask me how I did today, or yesterday.
The best way I can motivate myself is to:
- Remind myself of the old me. That will do it.
My name is ~ERIN~ and I will ~FINISH THIS CHALLENGE STRONG~.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
This journey has been so much more than losing weight. More than becoming healthy. More than becoming active. Even more than overcoming obstacles, and getting up after I have fallen, which has happened more than a few times.
It has become now about accepting myself. Accepting me. For who I am, for everything inside AND out.
To take in every part of me, and not ONLY accepting, but loving. And being grateful. Proud. Happy. Cherishing myself.
I am me. There is only one me, one body, one mind, and one soul. I cannot replace any of these, and I can only change so much of me.
Acceptance. Accepting that there are no limitations but for the ones I set on myself. Nothing in my body, mind, soul is broken. So why restrict myself?
Because before my acceptance, I didn't let myself believe, TRULY believe, that I was worth it, or that I was going to be good enough, that I would succeed, even fluorish. I was scared of what would happen once I crossed a threshold. A threshold into a gray area of life I hadn't been before. This includes being under 158 (without being sick). This includes really pushing myself physically the way I know I can be pushed. This means being vulnerable to those around me but strong enough to say no, or to just put myself first and NOT feel guilty about that. This means facing myself, facing my inner demons, facing the not-so-positive aspects of my inner workings. And not trying to hide those demons by trying to drown them in food, in self-pity, in wallowing, self-hate, self-blame, feeling like I am worthless and hopeless.
Taking a step out of myself, out of my mind....and looking at myself objectively, and I see truly how far I have come in every single aspect of my life. I am proud of myself. And I look at my inner and outer self objectively and realize that I am not where I want to be, but I am where I need to be.
Want versus need. This has always been something I have struggled with. My impulse control (or lack of) has me wanting, wanting, wanting, and not stopping to think that I don't NEED them and therefore should not be focusing on them and to be just happy with what I have.
When I treasure the things I have that I need, the things that I want become either insignificant, and they will come or they won't, and I am accepting of that.
I have been taking a lot of time to be with my family and friends this past week, so I haven't been as active on SP as I would like, but I am going to try to fix that w/o compromising time for myself or family, because I feel like YOU are my family, too, and I cherish you!
Image found on:
Monday, June 20, 2011
My goodness, when I fall on my eating, I fall hard! I have spent most of the last 5 days trying to watch what I eat, and then "not caring" and ending up either just overall eating too much, too crappy, or bingeing. My bingeing now is thankfully not as bad as it was before I started this journey (before, I could eat whole pizzas, and TWO footlong subs from Subway with at least 3 cookies). I did have eat out WAY too much, and I notice that I have felt just ick during this time. What motivation for continuing on a healthier path?
For the update on my work situation that I outlined but never came back to say what happened on my last blog, the meeting went just fine. I found out that only 4 of us so far have been audited (out of 25) and that it seems that we overall have been doing poorly, so I didn't have the target on my back that I thought I did. She reassured me that I am still one of her best workers, which made me feel good, and though I still have backup plans in place, I do want to work there for as long as I can, and even more hopefully be able to work there part time while I go to school in 3-5 years (oh, if only things went perfectly according to plan, right?).
I won't go into all the details of what I ate, but I will say I didn't track a THING during this time, and I didn't weigh myself. I weighed myself this morning, and my weight is 167.2. I am just hating this yo-yo'ing that I seem to have going on. I do know, though, that I am stress and emotional eating. Even worse, during the big eating sessions, I know I am eating to turn off all my feelings, all my emotions, and just lose myself in the eating process. Nachos, ice cream, Dairy Queen, etc. to name a few. I even had extras of fairly healthy food...cereal, grapes,...
But, I digress. To get to the point since I have limited time before my break is over, I need to regroup. I need to get back to what I know works for me. I need to be structured, but not perfect. I need to be active. I need to be busy. I need to work through my emotions, my feelings, obstacles that come my way. I need to be strong yet know my weaknesses and focus on them. I need to take a daily inventory of how I did emotionally, physically, nutritionally, and mentally. I need to prepare for what lies ahead, but be realistic in my expectations of myself as I go through future obstacles.
This weekend was an eye-opener for me. I am starting to get my self-esteem back, slowly but surely. I was at the splash park this Saturday with my sister and daughter, and my sister took a picture of us without me knowing it and posted it on FB. Normally, I would have looked at such a picture (I am in a swimming suit top and running shorts) and just about puked, or just would have honed in on the negatives. This time, I looked at the positives: My arms being more toned, my runner's legs (yes, I am a runner!!!), and I liked my butt! I added the pic below. Don't you just love my little cupcake running around? She hated that 2-piece though. She kept trying to pull the top down to cover her tum-tum.
I got up this morning, went to the gym, and put in 22 miles in spin class followed by walking 5 minutes, running 25 minutes, and walking another 5 minutes before going home. I have a sense of purpose today, and I want it to last. My plans for the day? To do what I can, to do MY best, and to not focus on perfection. That's it.
Do I still want to get to a certain weight before my daughter's birthday? No. My focus is to be healthy. I am still going to weigh myself on Wednesday's for the summer challenge I am in and I do want to at least maintain 160 for WW, but other than that I want to focus on losing fat, gaining muscle, and how I feel. And to do what I can to firm up the areas that I need to so I can avoid plastic surgery next year :o}
Here's to a happy, fun, and never boring Monday!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
This will have to be a quickie as I have to get my daughter ready for daycare here soon.
I am 162 this morning for my official Periwinkle weigh-in, which is still 2 pounds down from last week. I had about 2000 calories yesterday, but burned over 1200, so the streak did not start yesterday.
I started emotionally eating yesterday after I got an email from my boss saying that she needed me to come to her office at 3 p.m. today to go over reports, which to me is meaning it will be bad or very bad, not sure which. Bad would be I find out I made mistakes that were stupid, I will be humiliated that I made them, and I will be told to be more meticulous about my work than I thought I was being.
Very bad means that this will be a means to let me go. Our department had a major downsizing over a year ago, and I know that eventually they will need to cut more people. I know that every single one of us is expendable. Today I will find out just how expendable I am.
Although I do have a backup plan (working for Weight Watchers and going back to school, which I plan to do in the future regardless since my career in the medical field really is being phased out little by little), I still love my job and I also love the benefits. My medical and dental are great, and my paid time off is very helpful. Also, being able to work at home has been just nothing short of the best.
So, I started eating. However, I caught myself before my day at work was over, and though I still had dinner (I'm not going to skip a meal) I made sure I had my portion and that was it. I then went to bed at a very good time (8:45). I want to change my behavior of emotional eating and turn it into realizing I can't change what happens, but I can change my reaction, and instead of eating, I need to read a book to calm down, or walk and get fresh air. Something that is healthy and not self-destructive.
Oh, and I went out with the runner's group and ran another 2.5 miles, so I ran almost 5 miles total yesterday. Sure, it was run/walk intervals, but I am proud of myself! I met new people, and one of them was talking about the Body Bugg she got and how she would love to be on the Biggest Loser but she doesn't have enough weight to lose (she is 30 pounds overweight). I mentioned that I actually sent in an application a couple of times. She looked at me with a shocked look on her face and said that I must have had a transformation then. The other girl running with us (who also is named Erin) said that I had a great story and asked me if it was okay for me to say how much I lost. When I said around 130 (sometimes easier to say than 126, and I plan to be at 130 soon), she was very impressed. I forget sometimes how far I have come, and conversations like that remind me.
I also looked in the mirror at the gym this morning, and realized that I am really looking good! I mean, my shoulders are really getting toned, my face is leaning out more, and my hips look smaller. So, when I got home I measured myself, which I haven't done in 3 months, and I have lost another 5 inches, mainly in my waist and hips, which is where I really want to lose it! Yay!!! Also, an inch came off my thighs, another place I am happy to lose it!!!
Oh, so I did spinning for an hour this morning for 21.5 miles. I could tell my legs were tired from everything I did yesterday, so I skipped the half hour on the elliptical I had been planning to do. I will go to the gym tomorrow, but Friday I may take a "rest" day with a lot of walking.
I will probably blog later this afternoon after I find out my fate at work. I am just hoping it is better than I am expecting.
My plans for my meals:
Breakfast: Egg (over easy), Toast, Yogurt, Banana (which I had before the workout).
Snack: Grapes/Bell Peppers
Lunch: Leftover casserole (portioned) which has many veggies in it, chicken, and rice.
Supper: Top Sirloin steak, grilled, with a roasted potato blend/stir fry in olive oil.
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