Friday, May 13, 2011
This blog is inspired by Yoovie, which is pretty appropriate given recent events. I won't comment too much on that, but I will say I do hope she returns soon. She is amazing and a wonderful refreshing inspiration to most of us. She may have haters, but she reminds me of Lady Gaga, someone who is unique, controversial, but is honest and speaks her mind. She is a wonderful role model for us (Yoovie that is) and, though I respect rules, she should not be made to feel as a victim. When she wrote the blog the other day where she felt like she had a split personality, it resonated with me and has been stuck in my head ever since.
Moving on to the subject of this blog:
I truly feel there are two Erin's that are very distinct from each other:
Erin #2 is pathetic. Her mindset is always weak, negative, pitying herself, not wanting to get back up. WANTING to be addicted, wanting to be able to rely on her crutches, not wanting to give up her last crutch available to her, which is binge eating on crappy food, seeing just how MUCH she can eat before she feels like puking, not getting up in the morning to go to the gym, even though she knows she will hate herself when she doesn't get up. Self-loathing, self-criticizing, self-blaming, making excuses. Self-worth? None. Self-esteem? Nonexistent. Not caring about anyone around her, but most of all not caring about herself. Not liking OR loving herself.
Erin #1 is an athlete, a warrior, positive, outgoing, happy, content but wanting more, pushes herself, wants more for herself, WANTS to eat right, eat healthy and actually does so. She never gives up, always gets back up even if she falls, and becomes stronger. There is no STOPPING her! She loves herself, puts herself first, THRIVES with getting up at 5 a.m. Self-worth? Check!!! Self-esteem? Through the roof!!!! No excuses made, just getting it done, and LOVING it. Feeling good about herself and about everyone else in her life. Putting her best foot forward, making the most out of every situation, getting things done, being productive.
Erin #2 makes her comeback, which she did this last week in full force. She actually had been making a minor comeback since after the half marathon in October. It's like that huge goal had been reached, now what? And that is the root my "plateau." I have been at or around 160 since then. One may think that this means that 160 is my goal weight. I don't think so. I am NOT happy here. I tried to be, I really did. And this last week? Horrendous. It was Erin #2 to the T. I tried to get my head back on straight and I could SEE every decision I was making was poor, but I didn't care. I have been negative, negative, negative, and I just didn't want to puke that all up here on SP.
And where did THAT get me?
Even more negative, feeling worthless, hopeless, and seeing 167.8 on the scale, where 10 days ago was 159.2. Talk about yo-yo effect. While I would love to see myself being more balanced and not take things to such extremes, my personality is such that I am either pulled one way or another. So, for that reason....it is time for Erin #1 to make HER comeback.
It is time for the warrior, the athlete, the healthy Erin to come back, to take the driver's seat, and to embrace life, to embrace all that it has to offer! To not look back, to just focus on what can be done today.
I am going to focus on today and be the powerhouse I can be. Though I can't run or do lower body workouts (injury flaring again with HM in 1 week from tomorrow), I can do other things. I can clean, I can walk, I can do pushups, I can do situps. I can make it work for me.
Because I am Erin, and I deserve this. I am WORTH it.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
1. I made a choice to eat 2 small tortilla shells.
2. I got up and took the dog for a 1-mile walk
3. I planned my food for the rest of the day. It will not be 1200 calories, which is below my range (1400-1750). Instead, it will be 1726, the top end. Because I have been consistently in the 2000-3000 range for a few days, and to drop down to 1200 would be too little and I would feel ravenous. Not a good thing for me! I will plan to low my calories a bit every day until I am closer to 1400-1500 depending on activity level for the day.
4. During that walk, I thought about the fact that I have been trying to push myself too hard and then not enough activity-wise. Today needs to be a day off. I am still recovering from my injury. I did a crazy spin class yesterday, I need to rest. I will run tomorrow morning.
5. I made more plans. For instance, what I will be doing for training until the HM on the 21st. And then what I will be doing after. Although I will not need to be in training this summer, I need to start over, do the C25K followed by the Bridge to 10K followed by HM training but following loosely and how I am feeling. I don't NEED to train, but I want to be a better runner for when I need to really train. If I need to back off, I will.
6. Yeah, this is far into the future, but I am thinking about doing a Tough Mudder next summer in July in Wisconsin, and about putting together a team to do this with. 10 miles of obstacle courses? Sounds like super fun to me!!!! Maybe not so much the electric shocking near the end, but the rest of it does ;o}
7. I am remembering what I have done to get here. The episode I watched of The Biggest Loser (I am catching up slowly) dealt with the contestants watching videos of their first day and how far they have come after losing 75 - 145 pounds a piece. I need to do that myself. I need to recall where I was not so very long ago when I was 260-280 pounds. How I felt then about myself and how I absolutely cannot let myself go back there.
8. I am remembering that I am a motivator and an inspiration to others. I need to turn that inspiration and motivation inward and do the same thing for myself. I need to look at myself as a success, not a failure. I need to look at the big picture. I am an athlete. I am a skinny chick if I tilt myself JUST right when looking in the mirror ;o} I am who I want to be, and I can only become better at it. I can be an even BETTER me!
9. I thrive on goal-setting. I need to look back at the beginning of the year at the goals I made for myself. Even the goals I made for this month.
10. I will think about each choice I make until I am confident in myself again. I will ask myself, Do I need this? Or do I just want it? Because most of the time? I just want it. Rewards need to be more than food. They need to be things that I will truly appreciate for more than the 20 minutes it takes to eat the food.
11. I will appreciate my life. What I have. I am truly lucky to have what I have and not be needing anything. I should be grateful for my health, my husband's and daughter's health, and the fact that I have such a wonderful family, and such wonderful friends here who support me, inspire me, motivate me, and challenge me.
Thank you so, so much for being part of my family, Sparkfriends. I treasure you.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I'll be the first to admit that while I was in the Cities, I didn't hold back too much for eating out. My portions weren't over the top, but I made some really greasy and fatty and high calorie choices (Coldstone Creamery anyone?). I did track everything, because that is one of my MUST do's and has been for 3 weeks. No matter how embarrassing, I have been tracking every bite of food (at least that I remember). It shows me (and everyone else in Spark land) what I can improve on, why I gained on such-and-such week, or why I lost on any given week. Good to look back on.
Well, these last few days are just getting more and more out of control. I had yesterday's meal planned, but DH didn't want what I was making and said he would get his own dinner. My brilliant idea? Let's go out and have the Toasted Frog (our favorite restaurant right now). Yeah, we went, and I had already had 1100 calories BEFORE going there since my meal that I had planned was around 400 calories. We had the usual suspects for dinner: Sweet potato fries with chipotle aioili dip, fried cheesy pickles with sarancha sauce, and grilled Buffalo wings. Ugh.
So, later in the night on my way to pick up my daughter from Grandma's, I stopped by DQ for a medium cone. Just because. No reason, just went through the drive-thru. Wasn't even hungry. Sure, my daughter got 3 bites, but I ate the rest.
By the time I left with her, I was so exhausted (I hadn't slept well the night before and went to the gym at 5:30 for spinning), and I was so DISGUSTED with my choices lately, that I of course did the SMART thing, and went BACK through the SAME DQ drive-thru and purchased a small chocolate shake. Oh, but it was a SMALL!!! Yeah, those small shakes still pack a whopping 500+ calories.
And I ate it. While watching an episode of the Biggest Loser. Just disgusting. I feel like I am losing my away again very rapidly and I hate that. I hate that any time I "let loose" a little bit while out of town seems to be a quick jump back into the addiction of eating fast food, and eating too much of it. It's like I crave and I crave, and I won't stop myself from just having.
And then, this morning I didn't go to the gym because I didn't feel good. I feel like I am coming down with a wicked cold or sinus infection. That stinks. I am going to Weight Watchers today for hopefully a big dose of reality and kick in the gut, and I was going to run with the Red River Runners today, but wahhhh, my foot hurts, and I am so ready to use my painful arch as an excuse not to run.
I have had a good morning so far with food, but it's hard. I am already feeling the need to find something else to eat because I feel like I am hungry, but I shouldn't be. I had Egg Beaters and toast with a bit of margarine.
I have always had my trackers public for you all to see, and though I am not inviting criticism about it (trust me, I have been on this journey for a long time, and I know what I am doing wrong), I guess advice if wanting to be given will be taken in and considered, because although I have been doing this a long time and have been successful, that does not mean I know everything. Because I know that I don't.
And, again is the realization that I am not perfect, I can't beat myself up continuously over it, and I need to recognize that my eating habits are very similar to my other addictions and that I need to start treating it as such. I need to realize that I can easily go out of control and that if I want to continue being healthy and maybe even lose some more weight (though that should no longer be at the forefront of my mind), I need to put myself first, my health first, and make the right decisions.
I guess I just needed to write this down....I feel better about it and I do have almost 30 days until my next weigh-in, so I shouldn't panic.
Oh, and of course I am seriously stressed about the half marathon that I will be running in about a week and a half. Because I am SOOOOO not well trained for this one. Longest run? 12.2 miles....over a month ago. ARGH!
Okay, pity party over.
Monday, May 09, 2011
Yay for a new week!
1. Calories still in 1200-1550 range to counteract weekend. Plan to go up to 1400-1750 once the week is over.
2. Water, water, water! I am really dehydrated from the weekend. Way too much sodium and not nearly enough water.
3. Work on calcium and potassium intake. Will work on other nutrients once I get these two down pat.
4. Plan my meals. If I fail to plan, I plan to fail....
Monday: Spin and Sculpt plus core work during my lunch or on break. Walk dog when not raining.
Tuesday: Run with the RRRGF for 3-5 miles depending on what is planned for them. ST upper and lower body at gym in the morning, plus elliptical. Dog walking if not raining.
Wednesday: Run 4-6 miles plus core work. Dog walks.
Thursday: Run 3-5 miles plus ST upper and lower body. Dog walks.
Friday: Rest if other days have been . Otherwise, work on stuff that was missed.
Saturday: Run with the RRRGF for my last longer run before the half marathon (eeks). Upper, lower, and core ST.
Enjoy life, be happy, rest when I need to, and treat myself well.
I will not let the week of rain stop me!
Monday, May 09, 2011
Just to keep me accountable to myself:
~ Stay in my calorie range of 1200-1550 most days this week. if you count half of this week. I went over on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday! I did expect this, though.
~ Work on portion control for days where tracking will be more difficult (when out of town Friday/Saturday). -ish. I had meals and snacks, though the choices weren't the best. I didn't eat TOO much, just a lot of sodium.
~ Drink as much water as I can and work on tracking how much I am drinking, with the ultimate goal of 80+ a day consistently.
~ Less sodium, more potassium, more calcium, more fiber (already doing great on fat, carbs, and protein). Needs work!
Monday: Spin and Sculpt.
Tuesday: Run 3 miles if pain-free plus ST.
Wednesday: Run 4 miles if pain-free. Nope. Felt twinges when I got up.
Thursday Run 5 miles if pain-free plus ST. Ditto.
Saturday: Walk/Run the Run For Hope 5K in Minneapolis.
Sunday: Run 8 miles if pain-free. Almost. I got in 7!!
For most days this week, walking as much as possible with Kaylee and/or the dog, especially when it is gorgeous out.
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