ERINBEAR1876   27,451
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Inner Warrior/Athlete

Friday, May 13, 2011

This blog is inspired by Yoovie, which is pretty appropriate given recent events. I won't comment too much on that, but I will say I do hope she returns soon. She is amazing and a wonderful refreshing inspiration to most of us. She may have haters, but she reminds me of Lady Gaga, someone who is unique, controversial, but is honest and speaks her mind. She is a wonderful role model for us (Yoovie that is) and, though I respect rules, she should not be made to feel as a victim. When she wrote the blog the other day where she felt like she had a split personality, it resonated with me and has been stuck in my head ever since.

Moving on to the subject of this blog:

I truly feel there are two Erin's that are very distinct from each other:

Erin #2 is pathetic. Her mindset is always weak, negative, pitying herself, not wanting to get back up. WANTING to be addicted, wanting to be able to rely on her crutches, not wanting to give up her last crutch available to her, which is binge eating on crappy food, seeing just how MUCH she can eat before she feels like puking, not getting up in the morning to go to the gym, even though she knows she will hate herself when she doesn't get up. Self-loathing, self-criticizing, self-blaming, making excuses. Self-worth? None. Self-esteem? Nonexistent. Not caring about anyone around her, but most of all not caring about herself. Not liking OR loving herself.

Erin #1 is an athlete, a warrior, positive, outgoing, happy, content but wanting more, pushes herself, wants more for herself, WANTS to eat right, eat healthy and actually does so. She never gives up, always gets back up even if she falls, and becomes stronger. There is no STOPPING her! She loves herself, puts herself first, THRIVES with getting up at 5 a.m. Self-worth? Check!!! Self-esteem? Through the roof!!!! No excuses made, just getting it done, and LOVING it. Feeling good about herself and about everyone else in her life. Putting her best foot forward, making the most out of every situation, getting things done, being productive.

Unless....

Erin #2 makes her comeback, which she did this last week in full force. She actually had been making a minor comeback since after the half marathon in October. It's like that huge goal had been reached, now what? And that is the root my "plateau." I have been at or around 160 since then. One may think that this means that 160 is my goal weight. I don't think so. I am NOT happy here. I tried to be, I really did. And this last week? Horrendous. It was Erin #2 to the T. I tried to get my head back on straight and I could SEE every decision I was making was poor, but I didn't care. I have been negative, negative, negative, and I just didn't want to puke that all up here on SP.

And where did THAT get me?

Even more negative, feeling worthless, hopeless, and seeing 167.8 on the scale, where 10 days ago was 159.2. Talk about yo-yo effect. While I would love to see myself being more balanced and not take things to such extremes, my personality is such that I am either pulled one way or another. So, for that reason....it is time for Erin #1 to make HER comeback.

It is time for the warrior, the athlete, the healthy Erin to come back, to take the driver's seat, and to embrace life, to embrace all that it has to offer! To not look back, to just focus on what can be done today.

I am going to focus on today and be the powerhouse I can be. Though I can't run or do lower body workouts (injury flaring again with HM in 1 week from tomorrow), I can do other things. I can clean, I can walk, I can do pushups, I can do situps. I can make it work for me.

Because I am Erin, and I deserve this. I am WORTH it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEGSFITNESS 5/25/2011 5:55PM

    Be the WARRIOR! You can -DO- THIS! emoticon

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 5/19/2011 7:27AM

    I think that it's a mistake to not acknowledge we are dynamic, multifaceted beings. You are incredible and you have come SO FAR Erin. I am curious as to the real reasons we become stuck, or move backwards, or fluctuate so much. I, in particular, know the last one far too well. It's nothing for me to fluctuate 10 pounds in a couple days. It's my special talent. Just want you to know you aren't alone. And that you rock my socks.

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ELAOPET 5/14/2011 5:08PM

    Yoovie is a fantastic girl! So full of intelect she leaves a lot of people in the dust.
As for Erin, she is, like all people, thorn between what she can and can not handle at any given moment. Everyone has ups and downs, and when something gets taken away and we start feeling like we are not whole, then all the #2s of this world come to stink up the place.
We are not superwomen and supermen here. Just ordinary people in extraordinary world.
I try to make my world as ordinary as possible to fit li'l ordinary me. Sometimes it works most times it does not.
Still, we can be so smart to overcome the minor setbacks. You will. And I am doing it too. We struggle with our #2s all the time.
We can do it. I try and remind myself of athletes on paraolympics. If they can shine, who am I to think I can't?
You can shine right down to the bottom of your soul and so can I.
Shine, my friend! SHINE!!!!!!

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CHASINGOLIVE 5/13/2011 6:42PM

    emoticon YOU DESERVE IT ERIN!! :)

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JENNIFERKCM 5/13/2011 4:29PM

    You can do this, you know you can because you are. It is hard to beat back that part of us that tells us we can't or we haven't really changed..but we know we have..so we can find the inner strength to keep pushing forward and allowing our victorious strong self to come through. I'm sorry to hear someone is in "hiding" because they were made to feel bad. I will admit I've read some things I totally didn't agree with...but this is a place we come to have people push us and support us in a good way...I just don't comment on everything that crosses my path. Back to you...you are awesome, unique, and powerful!

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MIECHI7 5/13/2011 3:38PM

    I love both of you!! emoticon

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BRENDY_28 5/13/2011 1:13PM

    i also have a split personality. #2 had been in the forefront for the past 4 months,,, but i'm glad that #1 is having a comeback :)) i'm sure you will find another goal to work on. you're doing great! :Dkeep it up

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DELPHYNE 5/13/2011 12:57PM

    You ARE worth it!!

emoticon emoticon

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THISISFORME924 5/13/2011 12:33PM

    Erin,

I couldn't help but think of things you have said in the past... you struggled with addition - its all or nothing mentality. Its your going to eat everything thats good or gorge on everything thats bad. I am the same way. You give it 100% crap or 100% strength!

Im going to recommend you check out Unlimited by Jillian Micheals. I am reading it and its really helping me see things in a new light.

You are strong!!

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PARTICLEGIRL22 5/13/2011 11:50AM

    You can and will do this. Warrior Erin is the strong one and Warrior Erin is going to kick that HM's butt!

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PINKBEANBOO 5/13/2011 11:43AM

    emoticon
You are worth it!

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MARTY728 5/13/2011 11:42AM

    Erin #2 will always appear every so often and may win a skirmish down and then. Erin #1 will always will the war and be there.

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JEM0622 5/13/2011 11:34AM

    You go girl! I know nothing about what went down with Ms. Y, but she rocks. You do too! Have a great Friday! I had to completely change out my eating plan when I popped up 10 lbs. I am now gf/vegan (most of the time. occasional splurges). This is helping a lot with things. Hope you find what works for you!

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SHERRYJVP 5/13/2011 10:18AM

    Yeah Erin #1. We all love you best! You are defeated #2.

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BETTERJULIA 5/13/2011 10:12AM

    ROCK IT!!!! You are doing great!

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IMSMILEY88 5/13/2011 9:56AM

    You DO deserve this! You CAN do this! And, I think we all struggle with the good & bad inside of us. You just have to let Erin #1 stand up & be the Warrior that she is!!!

I hope you have a terrific day!!! Work hard! Rest what you need to rest! And, make a comeback. You can do it!

emoticon

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What I am Doing/Will DO to Get Back/Stay On Track today.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

1. I made a choice to eat 2 small tortilla shells. emoticon

2. I got up and took the dog for a 1-mile walk emoticon

3. I planned my food for the rest of the day. It will not be 1200 calories, which is below my range (1400-1750). Instead, it will be 1726, the top end. Because I have been consistently in the 2000-3000 range for a few days, and to drop down to 1200 would be too little and I would feel ravenous. Not a good thing for me! I will plan to low my calories a bit every day until I am closer to 1400-1500 depending on activity level for the day.

4. During that walk, I thought about the fact that I have been trying to push myself too hard and then not enough activity-wise. Today needs to be a day off. I am still recovering from my injury. I did a crazy spin class yesterday, I need to rest. I will run tomorrow morning.

5. I made more plans. For instance, what I will be doing for training until the HM on the 21st. And then what I will be doing after. Although I will not need to be in training this summer, I need to start over, do the C25K followed by the Bridge to 10K followed by HM training but following loosely and how I am feeling. I don't NEED to train, but I want to be a better runner for when I need to really train. If I need to back off, I will.

6. Yeah, this is far into the future, but I am thinking about doing a Tough Mudder next summer in July in Wisconsin, and about putting together a team to do this with. 10 miles of obstacle courses? Sounds like super fun to me!!!! Maybe not so much the electric shocking near the end, but the rest of it does ;o}

7. I am remembering what I have done to get here. The episode I watched of The Biggest Loser (I am catching up slowly) dealt with the contestants watching videos of their first day and how far they have come after losing 75 - 145 pounds a piece. I need to do that myself. I need to recall where I was not so very long ago when I was 260-280 pounds. How I felt then about myself and how I absolutely cannot let myself go back there.

8. I am remembering that I am a motivator and an inspiration to others. I need to turn that inspiration and motivation inward and do the same thing for myself. I need to look at myself as a success, not a failure. I need to look at the big picture. I am an athlete. I am a skinny chick if I tilt myself JUST right when looking in the mirror ;o} I am who I want to be, and I can only become better at it. I can be an even BETTER me!

9. I thrive on goal-setting. I need to look back at the beginning of the year at the goals I made for myself. Even the goals I made for this month.

10. I will think about each choice I make until I am confident in myself again. I will ask myself, Do I need this? Or do I just want it? Because most of the time? I just want it. Rewards need to be more than food. They need to be things that I will truly appreciate for more than the 20 minutes it takes to eat the food.

11. I will appreciate my life. What I have. I am truly lucky to have what I have and not be needing anything. I should be grateful for my health, my husband's and daughter's health, and the fact that I have such a wonderful family, and such wonderful friends here who support me, inspire me, motivate me, and challenge me.

Thank you so, so much for being part of my family, Sparkfriends. I treasure you.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIECHI7 5/12/2011 11:39PM

    I treasure you as well!!
emoticon

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MEGSFITNESS 5/12/2011 3:11PM

    number 11 is the best :)

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RUNNER4LIFE08 5/11/2011 9:57AM

    I think this is great that you are reflecting on this. It is very easy to be an inspiration to others but why is it so hard to be one for yourself? You are doing awesome though Erin and should be very proud of all your accomplishments!

And the Tough Mudder.... wow, that is bad a$$! It is now on my list on things to do!

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BETTERJULIA 5/10/2011 5:01PM

    You are so awesome! I love this! I would also love to be on your mudder team - I live in South Dakota so a drive up to Wisconsin wouldn't be bad. I've wanted to do a Warrior Dash with my sister before too which sounds pretty similar but minus a team. Anyways you are inspiring! Keep up your great work - I love that you took the puppy for a walk and just enjoyed the activity. Fantastic job on really thinking about your calories and not just dipping to 1200 because you've been 'bad' but actually thinking about what you're body needs to make the healthy transitions. Keep it up!

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LUCKYNAT 5/10/2011 2:29PM

    yay for positive attitude!!!

My therapist taught me a great trick, everytime you pass a mirror look at yourself and say something nice about yourself outloud. It can be about looks, personality, achievments, ANYTHING about yourself.

Doing this one activity has increased my self confidence tremendously and that in turn helps me with my goals.

You can do it! You really have come soo far and are doing so well, just keep swimming :)

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JELLEN726 5/10/2011 2:08PM

    Yay! Great blog. Keep up the great planning. Goal setting is what keeps us working harder!

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THEHONESTME 5/10/2011 1:16PM

    Sounds wonderful! :D

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RASMUSSEN5 5/10/2011 12:49PM

    What a great list! Nothing like thinking about what matters most and reflecting on your blessings and how far you have come!

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Needing to get my head back where it needs to be!!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'll be the first to admit that while I was in the Cities, I didn't hold back too much for eating out. My portions weren't over the top, but I made some really greasy and fatty and high calorie choices (Coldstone Creamery anyone?). I did track everything, because that is one of my MUST do's and has been for 3 weeks. No matter how embarrassing, I have been tracking every bite of food (at least that I remember). It shows me (and everyone else in Spark land) what I can improve on, why I gained on such-and-such week, or why I lost on any given week. Good to look back on.

Well, these last few days are just getting more and more out of control. I had yesterday's meal planned, but DH didn't want what I was making and said he would get his own dinner. My brilliant idea? Let's go out and have the Toasted Frog (our favorite restaurant right now). Yeah, we went, and I had already had 1100 calories BEFORE going there since my meal that I had planned was around 400 calories. We had the usual suspects for dinner: Sweet potato fries with chipotle aioili dip, fried cheesy pickles with sarancha sauce, and grilled Buffalo wings. Ugh.

So, later in the night on my way to pick up my daughter from Grandma's, I stopped by DQ for a medium cone. Just because. No reason, just went through the drive-thru. Wasn't even hungry. Sure, my daughter got 3 bites, but I ate the rest.

By the time I left with her, I was so exhausted (I hadn't slept well the night before and went to the gym at 5:30 for spinning), and I was so DISGUSTED with my choices lately, that I of course did the SMART thing, and went BACK through the SAME DQ drive-thru and purchased a small chocolate shake. Oh, but it was a SMALL!!! Yeah, those small shakes still pack a whopping 500+ calories.

And I ate it. While watching an episode of the Biggest Loser. Just disgusting. I feel like I am losing my away again very rapidly and I hate that. I hate that any time I "let loose" a little bit while out of town seems to be a quick jump back into the addiction of eating fast food, and eating too much of it. It's like I crave and I crave, and I won't stop myself from just having.

And then, this morning I didn't go to the gym because I didn't feel good. I feel like I am coming down with a wicked cold or sinus infection. That stinks. I am going to Weight Watchers today for hopefully a big dose of reality and kick in the gut, and I was going to run with the Red River Runners today, but wahhhh, my foot hurts, and I am so ready to use my painful arch as an excuse not to run.

I have had a good morning so far with food, but it's hard. I am already feeling the need to find something else to eat because I feel like I am hungry, but I shouldn't be. I had Egg Beaters and toast with a bit of margarine.

I have always had my trackers public for you all to see, and though I am not inviting criticism about it (trust me, I have been on this journey for a long time, and I know what I am doing wrong), I guess advice if wanting to be given will be taken in and considered, because although I have been doing this a long time and have been successful, that does not mean I know everything. Because I know that I don't.

And, again is the realization that I am not perfect, I can't beat myself up continuously over it, and I need to recognize that my eating habits are very similar to my other addictions and that I need to start treating it as such. I need to realize that I can easily go out of control and that if I want to continue being healthy and maybe even lose some more weight (though that should no longer be at the forefront of my mind), I need to put myself first, my health first, and make the right decisions.

I guess I just needed to write this down....I feel better about it and I do have almost 30 days until my next weigh-in, so I shouldn't panic.

Oh, and of course I am seriously stressed about the half marathon that I will be running in about a week and a half. Because I am SOOOOO not well trained for this one. Longest run? 12.2 miles....over a month ago. ARGH!

Okay, pity party over.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PARTICLEGIRL22 5/11/2011 12:49PM

    I hope that by writing every thing down you got your head where you need it to be.

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MAMADWARF 5/10/2011 11:32AM

    well you said it yourself, you know what you need to do. Break it down into 5 minutes at a time if you have to. Drink some water, distract yourself, eat some fruit, do a 10 minute fitness video. One good choice will lead to another and one bad choice will too. You decide which way today will go. You have done amazing things here and you can get back on track. It is hard to do that after going back to our old lifestyle but the only way to that is to just, well, do it. Dont punish yourself with food (or milkshakes!) because you went a bit off track. Today is a new day!

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EDDLES08 5/10/2011 10:51AM

    You are not alone. I have noticed that many people are going through this right now, myself included. I have been thinking lately that maybe this phase is just part of the journey. As long as we don't give up we will get through this and emerge stronger for having gone through it.

I am dealing with it by focusing on the positive, things I am doing right and reminding myself how far I have come. I am not making excuses for my poor eating, but sometimes it is nice not to worry about calories and just enjoy delicious food. As long as it doesn't become habit it is okay. Yes, food is fuel but it is also meant to be enjoyed. People that say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels obviously have never had cheesecake or chocolate :)

Don't be too hard on yourself. You know what you need to do and I have no doubt that you get back on track.

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BETTERJULIA 5/10/2011 10:35AM

    I think that it is really hard to change our mindset - especially if we've ever done the whole well I already did x so I might as well do y and it is HARD to break that. I have been training myself to really really see, know, feel, understand, get, and act like every single time I eat it is a new choice, a new chance to stay on track. I can't wallow in the pint of Ben & Jerry's Voluntiramisu I split for dessert Saturday and breakfast Sunday - the extra beer I had at dinner Friday but I can stop myself from snacking last night, I can keep my food choices on track today. Move forward girl - focus on the awesome things you are doing, acknowledge and let the bad fall to the side. You're TOTALLY ROCKING this! Keep it up!

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MIMISCHENK 5/10/2011 10:22AM

    I feel your pain. I stopped for a cone at McD, but the drive through was closed. I went across the street to Sonics for a shake - ok, a small one - but WHAT WAS I THINKING????

I missed the spinning class at the gym this am becaus I couldn't sleep last night but, the way I look at it the day is young and I haven't had a milkshake yet.

Good luck on your half. You'll do great.
Mimi

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Week of May 9-15 plan

Monday, May 09, 2011

Yay for a new week!

Nutrition:
1. Calories still in 1200-1550 range to counteract weekend. Plan to go up to 1400-1750 once the week is over.
2. Water, water, water! I am really dehydrated from the weekend. Way too much sodium and not nearly enough water.
3. Work on calcium and potassium intake. Will work on other nutrients once I get these two down pat.
4. Plan my meals. If I fail to plan, I plan to fail....

Fitness:
Monday: Spin and Sculpt plus core work during my lunch or on break. Walk dog when not raining.

Tuesday: Run with the RRRGF for 3-5 miles depending on what is planned for them. ST upper and lower body at gym in the morning, plus elliptical. Dog walking if not raining.

Wednesday: Run 4-6 miles plus core work. Dog walks.

Thursday: Run 3-5 miles plus ST upper and lower body. Dog walks.

Friday: Rest if other days have been emoticon. Otherwise, work on stuff that was missed.

Saturday: Run with the RRRGF for my last longer run before the half marathon (eeks). Upper, lower, and core ST.

Sunday: Rest!

Enjoy life, be happy, rest when I need to, and treat myself well.

I will not let the week of rain stop me!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BETTERJULIA 5/10/2011 9:34AM

    Great goals! YOu can do this!

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LKEITHO 5/9/2011 5:44PM

    Great plan! Have fun!

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THEHONESTME 5/9/2011 3:30PM

    emoticon sounds like an awesome plan!

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RDARLING 5/9/2011 3:09PM

    I won't let the week of rain stop me either! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RASMUSSEN5 5/9/2011 11:33AM

    emoticon emoticon

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Accountability/check in on last week

Monday, May 09, 2011

Just to keep me accountable to myself:

Nutrition:
~ Stay in my calorie range of 1200-1550 most days this week. emoticon if you count half of this week. I went over on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday! I did expect this, though.
~ Work on portion control for days where tracking will be more difficult (when out of town Friday/Saturday). emoticon-ish. I had meals and snacks, though the choices weren't the best. I didn't eat TOO much, just a lot of sodium.
~ Drink as much water as I can and work on tracking how much I am drinking, with the ultimate goal of 80+ a day consistently. emoticon
~ Less sodium, more potassium, more calcium, more fiber (already doing great on fat, carbs, and protein). Needs work!

Fitness:

Monday: Spin and Sculpt. emoticon

Tuesday: Run 3 miles if pain-free plus ST. emoticon

Wednesday: Run 4 miles if pain-free. Nope. Felt twinges when I got up.

Thursday Run 5 miles if pain-free plus ST. Ditto.

Friday: Rest. emoticon

Saturday: Walk/Run the Run For Hope 5K in Minneapolis. emoticon

Sunday: Run 8 miles if pain-free. emoticon Almost. I got in 7!!

For most days this week, walking as much as possible with Kaylee and/or the dog, especially when it is gorgeous out. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BETTERJULIA 5/10/2011 9:34AM

    Woohooo! You did great!

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 5/9/2011 12:07PM

    Hey sounds like you did pretty awesome on all your goals!!

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