Sunday, April 03, 2011
I haven't blogged in a few days, so there are a lot of things going on that I haven't talked about. I should be doing this, but with everything going on I just didn't know where to start and didn't feel like I had the time.
Well, I have 10 minutes before heading to a game for a cousin's son, so better now than never.
On Wednesday and Thursday when I had my daughter home, I took those days with the stress it involved (she is in her terrible twos and I shall NOT describe what such a charming, clever little girl can do to make you feel miserable) and then I ate what I wanted. I promised myself I wouldn't eat out. Yeah, but I then ate a couple of "small" donuts, candy, mac 'n' cheese, etc over those two days. On Thursday, I made tuna casserole (one of my favorites) and had too much of it. With I Can't Believe It's Not Butter (light) on top.
On Thursday, my daughter cut her finger pretty bad. Not big enough for stitches, but deeper so there was a lot of blood. It happened when my DH brought her to see his dad/her grandpa. He was freaking out, so I had to take charge, and by the time I got her all patched up and in bed, I was worn out.
On Friday, I got my period. I had it about 2 weeks ago while in Minneapolis. So, these new birth control pills so far aren't working. I promised I would stick wtih them for 3 months, but right now I am NOT happy. The cravings, the emotions...they're killing me.
Oh, and on Friday, I also weighed 165. The end result of getting my period and eating so much sodium/fat/overall food plus the amount of Coke Zero I downed. I have to weigh UNDER 162 this Tuesday at Weight Watchers in my clothes at 5 p.m. Yeah.
So, since Friday I had/have resolved to track ALL of my food on here. Not doing points, but just tracking on here. I stayed in my ranges (or so I thought) but then this morning I realized I forgot to track my lunch yesterday (half a turkey sandwich....I shared with Kaylee). So, I was almost 100 calories over. Oh, well! I stayed in all the other ranges, though...even sodium!
Yesterday, I went out to visit my grandma/grandpa about 40 minutes away with Kaylee, my mom, and my sister. I was surrounded by ice cream cake, homemade donuts, caramel rolls, and the like. I left 4 hours later having eaten only roasted turkey meat that she had made earlier in the day. It was awesome, and I felt proud. But, on the way out when we were hugging and saying goodbye, grandma started crying in my arms and thanking me so much for coming. I had missed her the previous two times for visiting because either I was working or I was out of town (in Minneapolis).
I felt like dog poo.
By the time I got home after dropping my mom and sister off, I knew I was in a tenuous state and that I was subconsciously planning an all-out binge. Of something. Anything. It could be the drive-thru, it could be something at home I could whip up and eat massive amounts of. Anything. So, I tried calling DH on his cell phone. No answer. I knew he was out with a friend, so I tried the friend's cell phone. No answer. I was panicking, and Kaylee was starting to hit her clingy time of night. I usually don't mind and just run with it, but I was so emotionally fragile that I could feel myself wanting to put her to bed early after going through Subway and getting a footlong and cookies....
So, I drove to the house of the friend. He wasn't home with my DH yet, but his brother was home. I sat there and waited until they got home, and had DH put Kaylee back in the car while I vented, told him how I felt. I could tell he was worried about me, worried about my state of mind, and asked if I would be okay. And I knew I would be, so I assured him of it.
I got home and fixed myself 1 cup of Fat Free Strawberry Frozen Yogurt, and watched Grey's Anatomy until it was time to go to bed.
This morning's weigh in (which is daily until Tuesday) was 161.4. The relief I felt was palpable. I knew that if I stayed on track until Tuesday, I would be fine.
But, I am feeling great physically since tracking my food again, and I know I want to keep doing that.
I haven't worked out since my injury, and am going back to the gym on Wednesday. I gave my body a week off to rest and recover. I still can't run for another 2-1/2 weeks, but that's okay. I will continue doing more low-impact cardio (like elliptical and spinning) and I will strength train. I know it's what my body needs and I will NOT risk it becoming a chronic problem.
I am still planning on running the marathon in May, but may not be running the whole thing. And that is okay, too :o}
So, where am I at now? I am doing much better, and got through this last week and weekend intact and happy.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
It is midnight. Way past my 9 p.m. bedtime. I have read an entire novel tonight, I can't turn my brain off.
I am on the cusp of a new me. I keep thinking I am there, that I am being the best I can be, and that I am truly loving myself.
This past week, I have come to see myself as where I want to be. I look in the mirror, and I am happy with what/who I see. I am happy. I am healthy. I am vibrant. And I am done being obsessed with the weight on the scale.
I am finally now to the stage in my life where I am thinking of how I can work on my tone and strength training, on how I can become a better runner, and on how I can work on my eating, to be even healthier. To eat cleaner, stay away from processed foods, etc.
But I am now content with my weight. I am not skinny, but I am not fat. I am healthy.
I had to move my belt to the next hole today. This despite the fact that I am "still" 160. I fit in mostly size 8's now at 160 whereas in October I was mainly in 12s at 160.
I had a not so fabulous eating day today, being home with my daughter (daycare out until Friday because her son has strep). We had an amazing day, and I allowed some bad food choices. You know what? That's okay. I am still happy at the end of this day, and right now I am realizing that I drank WAY too much caffeine too late in the day and that is most likely the reason I am still awake.
Oh, and I didn't go to the gym today to run. I think that the treadmill gives me shin splints. Running outside for 12.5 miles? Sore hip flexor, but no problems with my shins. 4 miles on the treadmill? OUCH!!!!!!!!! So, can't wait until I can run pre-dawn without worries of slipping on ice patches (can't wear the YakTrax since besides the ice there is only concrete).
Tomorrow? Most likely will be skipping the gym because I need the extra 2 hours of sleep due to being awake 3 hours past bedtime.
Now, just a week ago I would be beating myself up. Now? Nope. It's life. As long as on Friday I jump back on the saddle at the gym, it's all good.
I'm happy. And that is what matters.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
On May 21, I am running my first full marathon in Fargo. This has been a journey like no other for me. I started running, well...the marathon will mark my 1-year anniversary of my first day of running! And in the same town, same race (though it was a 5K last year). I am also running the 5K that I ran last year, but the night before the marathon.
I started running for many reasons,... for my health, for my sanity, for life, for love, for therapy...and it has changed me for the better.
I am also running the marathon for a charity, for Lutheran Social Services, the organization that helped me put my life back on track when it derailed due to compulsive gambling, an addiction that nearly ruined my life in 3 months.
They did so much for me, and at the time I was so deep in debt that I couldn't afford to pay anything for my treatment, and they still treated me. I go back to see them once a month as an alumni so newcomers can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel for them, that there is hope, that they can overcome their addiction and not gamble. It has been 7 years on February 26 of this year for me since I last gambled, and I thank Gambler's Choice of Lutheran Social Services in Fargo for that.
I am hoping to raise at LEAST $250 for them. It is the minimum amount, but they deserve the most they can get from me and those who are supporting my efforts to run the marathon. Any amount is greatly appreciated, from $1 to whatever!!!
I appreciate you all, as you and the SparkPeople Community did for my eating addiction/binging and weight loss what LSS did for my gambling. Thank you!!!
If you have any questions, just message me.
To donate online, go to the website, www.lssnd.org. You should see a ďDonate NowĒ at the right, click on that. It will take you to a new page where you will see the basic information listed and then the second section under specific programs, you will see Fargo Marathon 2011. You can enter a dollar amount and finish filling out the page. Then, you can let me know the donation so I can put on the pledge form!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
"And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin
The weekend was what I needed to get my mojo back on. I have been down on myself in the last few months because I felt I wasn't progressing or being as successful as I had been the year before. Well, duh, I had 120 pounds to lose, and this year I had 5-20 pounds at most more to lose. It's not going to shed in a month or two! Besides, it's time my brain caught up with my body. It's ironic that when I was bigger, I always felt skinnier on the inside than I looked on the outside. Now it is the opposite, that I feel fatter on the inside than I look on the outside.
And so that is the transformation that I have been undergoing the last few months. It was hard, and I felt myself just wanting to give up, to stop trying so hard, and I knew that if I did this....I would slowly (and maybe NOT so slowly) get back to where I was. Unhappy, sedentary, out of breath, out of shape, buying new clothes although this time because my clothes are too tight. And all too easy that could happen.
Unless...I move on, I grow, I mature. I start really loving myself. I start being truly proud of myself, of what I have accomplished, and of the goals that I have stopped dreamed about and actually achieving.
A not-so-small part of my plateau and lack of mojo has been because I stopped doing this for myself. I started only doing this for those around me who I have been inspiring, because I didn't want to let them down. I wanted to keep inspiring, so I set my lofty goals higher and higher and expected more than just a great result, I expected perfection. Black and white. I either succeeded or I failed. No in between.
I will still have bad days, I know it. But I also know there will be fewer and fewer of them, because I am learning now to deal with my issues, up front and center, rather than try to tuck them away and hope they faded away on their own.
Because I am worth it. I deserve it. Because I bought a t-shirt at the Mall of America that says "I'm THAT girl."
And I am. I am that girl.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Okay, I'm going to start out with saying that any and all pictures of this weekend are in someone else's blog and it is just easier to post the link to that (hoping Paula doesn't mind!!!):
My results of the 7K:
Chip Time: 42:12 (Pace of 9:42)
Division Place (30/34 age group): 253 out of 860
Sex Place: 1160 out of 3668
Overall: 1993 out of 5107
~ Lots of fun green outfits including a Teletubby, Turtle (I think he was channeling TMNT), lots of hats, wigs, cool socks, etc.
~ Loved the energy, and giving high fives and slapping hands with lots of people and children. Great support!!
~ Great scenery with the river and skyscrapers off to the distance. Didn't see it too much, though.
~ Food was good....once you got it.
~ Beautiful medal and fantastic sweatshirt that zips up!
~ My name was on the bib. Silly awesome!
~ Perfect weather but for a bit of a wind. Nice to not get too hot during the race!
~ Being there with so many awesome people. We may not have run together, but they were with me in spirit, cheering me on!
~ Free beer afterward, though I didn't drink it. Was still cool.
~ Salty Nut Roll (smaller one) in the food bag along with chips, grahams, a banana, and Muscle Milk. Oh, the muscle milk is actually gross. Oh, and eating Kristi's salty nut roll, too
Negatives (or just not quite as positive):
~ Two bridges. Mommy. Need to train on those suckas before the marathon.
~ The finish line was hidden, so you didn't see it until you turned the corner right before it. Definitely would have liked to see that in the distance rather than right before crossing!
~ The crowd was huge at the finish line, so it took a long time to get the medal, then finally walk around the block, up a big hill, to get to the water and food. I definitely could have used water like ASAP.
~ Muscle Milk. Definitely need to adjust to that taste.
That was pretty much it! It was a great race, so much fun, such great energy, and I had a fantastic time with it. I didn't focus so much on my pace as much as looking around and taking everything in (and not tripping on people, either).
The weekend was just fabulous. FABULOUS! Paula (MEZZOANGEL) has to be about the best hostess I have ever seen/met. She is amazing. I love her sense of humor. She is so thoughtful!!! She has a CRAZY brilliant singing voice. She is also gorgeous, and definitely gives us brick house girls a great name :o}
I met Paula, Becky (RAVENSONG37), and Esther (CALLIKIA) at the MOA on Friday. Becky is....freaking awesome! I don't have enough adjectives to describe her on here, but wow, she is one bottle rocket! She has so much energy, makes you happy happy happy just standing next to her. She is so loving, too, and really makes you feel like a queen. Esther? She is like the coolest chick. I love her kick-ass personality, and I am so proud of her for the journey she has been in. She is just amazing, and I am inspired by her.
So, we shopped at MOA, then went to the gym to have a circuit training session with Paula's personal trainer, Chris. He had us do 6 different stations including doing planks while pulling a heavy weighted rope towards you (yowza), flipping that big old tire, doing the sledgehammer dealy-o on another big tire, jumping up and down on a pull-up bar thing, doing frog leg things with weights under your hands and feet, sitting on a Bosu ball while doing bicep curls and presses with a dumbbell, and I think that is it! We did 2 circuits of that, and our butts were kicked. No wonder Paula is such a powerhouse!!!!
Afterwards, we did a few errands, picking up food and stuff, then went back to Paula's place and met with Becky (BECKYLYNN), who is so much fun to be with! She was soft-spoken in the beginning, but warmed up quick and was a blast. Funny, charming, and just beautiful. I am so happy I got to meet her and get to know her.
Becky #1 then made us a vegan stirfry dish with kale, garlic, onions, mushrooms, garbanzo beans, some other type of bean I forgot the name of, and tofu. OMG. Delicious!!!! We had this on rice to round it out.
So, we got everything ready for the race as much as we could, and then went to bed. Well, not really. Both Becky's and I talked until about 3 in the morning, and I then got about 4 hours of sleep. I think Becky #2 got about half an hour! Ouch!
I already kind of detailed the race above, so I will again mention the link above also that shows pics of the race and the weekend.
We then did the pole dance class after the race. WOW. Much respect for pole dancers. They must have crazy abs and upper body strength! We did a 20-minute abs workout and other things on the yoga mat before the actual pole dancing. I didn't do bad, but it was hard not to have a death grip on the pole!!! It was a ton of fun, and Paula also has a Vlog of it.
Though it was hard to do, especially after our race, I had so much fun with it!!!
After that was over, we went back and showered/napped/hung out and then got ourselves all slicked up for our classy dinner. I ended up wearing a black halter dress that Becky #1 had with her with my high-heeled leather boots. I felt sexy for sure!
Dinner was AH-mazing. Just amazing. It was Chianti Grill, and Paula ordered bruschetta for everyone to share before the meal. YUMMMMM. I also had sourdough-type bread slices with butter, garlic breadsticks that were to die for, and then I had Shrimp and Lobster Linguini. I couldn't finish it, but I came close! It was all just so delicious. Then, we all had birthday cake that was Mexican chocolate with a vegan frosting. A vegan cake! And you know what? 100% better than a regular chocolate cake. No joke. I loved it.
Oh, and Tamie Jo (TJZYSKOWSKI) was also there, and she was at the end of the table and I was more in the middle so didn't really talk to her, but wow, she is GORGEOUS! I loved how she had her hair up, very classy looking.
After that, we went back and did a buodoir photo shoot separately. Wow. I went into it acting all goofy-like, thinking that she would have to work a lot of magic in editing, but you know what? She made me look beautiful. And sexy. And really forced me to look at my body from the outside in. And I realized that....I am beautiful. I look healthy. I have muscles. I am proud of where I am, and now finally I am becoming proud of how I look. I can't wait to get those pics....
So, I conked out because I was so tired, and got in about 5 hours of sleep. In the morning, it was mostly people leaving, and getting ready to go. Becky #1, Paula, and I went to the MOA to do some shopping before I left. I got a TON of clothes at Old Navy on clearance, and I loved that most everything I brought in the dressing room with me not only fit, but looked awesome on me! I also fit into all 3 pairs of size 8 pants I brought in there with me. Some day I will have to get up the courage to bring a size 6 into a dressing room
Oh, we also got matching yoga tanks that say encouraging things on it, like One More Mile and Run Like The Wind. Love it.
So, by that time, I was seriously needing to get home to see my family as I was missing them, especially my daughter (I had a 5-hour drive home). But, it was the best weekend ever, and I am so grateful to Paula for having me, and for meeting the best group of girls ever!!!
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