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ERINBEAR1876's Recent Blog Entries
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Sunday, January 23, 2011
I feel the need to write a blog about my motivation for being healthy and for continuing to move forward, so I can keep looking back at this whenever I feel the urge to be lazy, to give up, to binge, or just if I am feeling uninspired or unmotivated.
1. My daughter. She is my biggest motivator. I look back at my childhood, at the way I was raised, what I ate and drank, and I know that I eventually mirrored my mom, in many ways (not a good thing when it came to my weight and becoming a workaholic). I want my daughter to look at me and want to be like me, and for that to be a positive thing. I want her to know what being healthy is, and to want to be healthy. I also want to be around for everything she does, and to be capable of doing those things with her. I want mom and daughter outings, and I want those things to include shopping, skiing, sledding, skating, rollerblading, playing tennis, hiking, walking, running, and so, so, so much more. I can't do that if I am not healthy. I want to live to be 100!!! I want to see my daughter graduate, go to college, get married, have children....or whatever she ends up doing :o}
2. My husband. He is my angel. We have been together for 11 years now (8 of them married). He has always supported me. He has never looked down on me. He has been disappointed by me many times in his life, but he has never made me feel that way. I mainly found that out in a looking back on our life kind of way. He has been through so much with me, and I am so happy that I am finally becoming the wife that he deserves, and that he is proud of.
3. The rest of my family. My family is overweight. Check that, they are all obese. Though I used to be the heaviest one at 286, they were not far behind me. I wish they had taken my journey as a motivation for themselves, but so far no such luck. Instead of seeing how happy I am, I feel like they don't want to acknowledge my weight loss for the most part, and that it almost feels like I am bragging whenever it comes up. I just want them to be happy, too, and I know that they aren't....
4. Spark Friends and Spark People. If I ever need a big dose of motivation or inspiration, I know by checking out the feeds and the blogs that I will leave with a big smile on my face. Even reading about someone's setbacks, that helps me too...to know that I am not alone and to remind me of what I need to do. I love you all!!!
Okay, now for some very selfish and/or vanity-related motivations:
1. To wear hot clothes. This has always been a motivation for me. Who knew that under all that tomboy jeans and t-shirt collection, that I was a fashionista waiting to emerge??? I want to wear boots. Skinny jeans (and not have them look silly). I have a black leather skirt I wanna wear. I want to wear dresses. I want to tuck my shirts in tight and not have a muffin top. I want to wear a size 6 and even better, a size 4!!! I want to wear designer clothing (or knockoffs, who cares) and look gorgeous wearing them!!!
2. I want to walk around town, in the mall, etc. and strut my stuff. Yeah, I am married. Very happily married. But I never ever before had the feeling that guys were checking me out. I want that feeling :o} Though I have been getting it more lately, I want it more!!! Hey, window shopping :o}
3. I want to look smoking in a swimsuit!!
4. Tank tops and shorter shorts this summer. Skirts. Maxi dresses.
Some non-vanity reasons:
1. Looking like an athlete, and BEING an athlete.
2. Running my first 10K.
3. Running my first full marathon.
4. Doing a duathlon.
5. Triathlon!!!
6. Hiking Macchu Picchu.
7. Eventually running a sub-3:45 full marathon as a Boston qualifier.
Though I know that some of these sound more like goals than motivations, they are ALL motivations to me. The last one is the most unrealistic, but it is my Mount Everest. To run in the Boston Marathon at some point in the future would be the ULTIMATE prize :o}
I know I have a ton more motivations, and will add them when I remember them, but it's time to go to bed!!!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Nutrition: Tomorrow, I will eat protein, freggies, and lower carb (to counteract today). On Sunday, I am thinking the same, but with a steak for dinner (4 oz) with marinade. I will not eat out. I will make good choices.
 I did really well on Saturday until after Kaylee went to bed, when I made myself a sandwich and had cottage cheese. Not a bad thing to do, but it was over my points for the day. Today, I overall ate more food. I again went over in points, but it should still be good for maintaining, just not losing. I had veggie thin crust frozen pizza for supper....
Water: 140 ounces plus on both days.
I didn't even hit 80 ounces! I did drink a lot of Diet 7-Up....
Fitness: I have a 7-miler outside scheduled for tomorrow's run. I also plan on doing ST either Saturday or Sunday. On Sunday, I will go on the elliptical machine for some added cardio. It was to be my rest day, but I took that today instead. Shoveling tomorrow (again). Walking as much as I can and just getting out of the house. Clean the house when I can, and when Kaylee isn't behind me deconstructing what I clean.
 for the most part. I did my run on Saturday. I didn't do ST. I didn't go to the gym today because I was sore in various parts of my body from the run on Saturday. I am shoveling tomorrow instead of today since we had a blowing snowstorm happening and it was really pointless to shovel during that. I did get out of the house a few times, and I did clean the kitchen really good (it needed it), did 3 loads of laundry, and kept the dishes clean.
Sleep: I am going to bed seriously late tonight, and am fervently praying that Kaylee sleeps in until 7 like she did this morning and yesterday morning, so I can get in 8 hours. If that doesn't happen, I will take a nap when Kaylee does tomorrow afternoon.
Kaylee didn't sleep in on Saturday, so I did nap during her nap. I did sleep well last night, and Kaylee did sleep in, so I got in 9 hours of sleep. I am hitting the hay here in a few minutes (it is 8:30 right now).
I am moving forward and not letting my extra bit of eating get me down. I know what is happening and I know how to stop it. Basically, I am getting a combination of being cooped up and being in the cold, dark, dreary winter and the fact that I hit my GW and I know that my DH is happy if I don't lose any more weight. So, it's almost like I have this feeling of being done and being in maintenance. Though I have eaten more food, when tracked it translates to the maintenance phase of my WW plan. I do have to eat good, though, tomorrow so it doesn't end up translating to a bloated, water weighted weigh-in on Tuesday and I ended up going over 2 pounds that is gone the next day and I have to start all over again.
My goals for tomorrow:
1. Nutrition: Oatmeal and fruit for breakfast. Egg whites with mushrooms and turkey bacon for lunch. Couscous for dinner. Lower calorie day overall. Fruit and veggies for any snacking, but that is to be kept to a minimum.
2. Water: 150+ ounces. I need to get rid of some water retention!!
3. Fitness: 50 minutes of spin and sculpt followed by 15 minutes of abs class and try to fit in some Nautilus ST before going home. Thinking of going back in the evening for an hour on the elliptical just to get some more sweat out.
4. BUSY, BUSY, BUSY!!! So much cleaning still to be done. Clean out garage if have time. Shovel before mailman comes around noon. Vacuum before Kaylee gets home from daycare. Walk to durn dog before she gets into even more of a funk from missed walks due to weather. Make plans and get organized. Go through the calendar for the week to see what is coming up.
5. Go to bed by 9 p.m.
6. Make good choices, and think things through before making choices that wouldn't be good for me. Really think.
7. Be happy with myself, how much I have progressed, and although I don't want to feel guilty about not making the right choice, I need to keep myself in check so I don't start taking more steps back then steps forward.
Countdown to Cancun: 40 days with 14 pounds left to lose (yeah, may not quite make it LOL).
Saturday, January 22, 2011
This morning's run was, in many ways, a reflection of my life in the past, and also a reflection of my life now.
I got to the Y at 8 a.m. to meet up with the other crazy people running in this crazy dangerous cold weather. I had 4 layers on top, 3-1/2 layers on bottom, 2 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of gloves, a balaclava, a mouth/nose cover thingy, a headband, a hat, my MP3 player, old-style headphones (those buds don't fit in my tiny ears), my cell phone (in case I froze on the side of the road alone), my YakTrax (because there is a crazy amount of ice out there right now), and my sanity left behind. There were about 10-12 other runners there (great show for such a cold day!) and we were told we could run 3, 5, or 7 miles. I was one of 4 who chose to run 7 miles. I knew I would be on my own for most of the journey as the 2 guys are seasoned marathoners who are tall (read: long legs) and are really fast. The other girl, Anne-Marie (whom I love, she is so adorable, recently moved here from Ireland and LOVE her accent)....she runs at a 7:30 pace. Seriously. That's not her racing pace, her EVERYDAY pace. She is LIGHTNING!
We head out, I start my Garmin, check my heart rate (70)...I am behind 4 people and already it is feeling like a bit of a trail run. There was a fairly large snowfall yesterday and there are a lot of people who haven't shoveled yet (including me). The ice on the roads is crazy, but the YakTrax are digging in and helping me out.
I get to a point where I am thinking...Wow, I must be over 2 miles in...I'm feeling fatigued already. I look down at my Garmin, and it says 0.90 miles. WHAT???? I have over 6 MILES to go???? I knew this was going to be mentally challenging.
I could see the stares from people driving by. I'm sure they were thinking 'What in the world are they doing running in this????' That's okay, though. I think of it as a good training tool.
About 2.25 miles in is where the old me started kicking in. The 5-mile turnaround is coming up in about a block or two. I am looking like a snowman, swallowing or spitting out gobs of mucus and feeling like I am choking. I swallow more than I spit it out because I have 2 layers covering my nose and mouth and with 2 layers of gloves, it is just too hard, and I don't want to slow down. I fear I won't run again if I start walking. My legs are starting to feel numb, mainly my thighs. My shins are aching a bit, but not TOO bad. I just feel heavy, realizing I wore too much, and it is weighing me down. I want to turn around. I want to give up. I want to crawl into the SUV of the organizer who has been driving up and down the road in case someone gets too cold. I feel tears coming to my eyes as I feel myself wanting to quit. To quit on myself like I had so, so, so many times in the past. Whenever it got "too hard" I would tell myself that it's okay, I can try again later. I can do it tomorrow. I will work on it. I did a great job already, it's okay if I don't finish.
And that one of the reasons I reached the weight of 306 pounds. Sure, that was during my pregnancy, but really? Over 300 pounds? How much of that was Kaylee really? I remember being 170 in high school. That is the lowest weight I was that I recall. I don't remember what I weighed at 12 before puberty and was skinny and didn't think about my weight. I just remember having to weigh myself for my driver's license and being shocked.
I remember the day I hit 200 pounds. I had been with my then boyfriend for 6 months (back in early 2000) and we had been eating out a lot. No exercise. Again, shocked.
I was remembering this as I looked longingly at the turnaround, where 2 girls had just turned around and were coming back my way, smiling and happy they were halfway done. They waved at me and shouted encouragement to me. I ran past the organizer and one of the trainers by the SUV, and they high-fived me and told me to keep going, that I could do it.
I straightened my body up as I was passing these fellow runners, and started feeling a sense of accomplishment. A sense that, yes, I really COULD do it. What it is the worst that could happen? I get mad that I tried and couldn't finish? Well, then I tried at least. I wouldn't have quit on myself.
So, I kept going, knowing that only 2 blocks ahead would be the dreaded overpass that is like the hill of death. I ran over it once, last May, when trying to run 3 miles before running my first 5K. I remember gasping for air, breathing like a bulldog, not catching my breath and truly realizing how far I had yet to go. Was I going to walk up this overpass? Or would I run it?
I ran it. I dug my feet in, and powered my way onto that overpass and blocked all thoughts out of my head but for "DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT" And it worked. I came out the other side not gasping for air, and feeling good! There was still about 3/4 mile before the turnaround, but I knew I would do it. I wouldn't be turning back now. I had a smile on my face as I breathed in and out, even though I felt congested beyond belief.
As I hit the turnaround point, the person who had told me about this group, who talked to me about the Garmin, and really has been an inspiration to me, Dave, stayed back to run with me. Granted, he lasted about 2 blocks before pulling ahead of me, but it was nice talking to him that bit of time and broke up the monotony. He was proud of me for pushing myself to do 7 miles, for getting up this morning, and for training for the full (he is also running the full).
Then, the overpass loomed in front of me again. I see the SUV again, this time with 2 other runners (Kenneth and Andrew). They asked how I was doing as I ran by them, and I said: Good, but I wish there wasn't so much snot!!" They laughed, and then Kenneth said he was going to join me. As we reached the overpass, I yelled out "I hate Hills!!!" And so he coached me through it, and then proceeded to discuss with me hill training and how this March he would take me through this. I was grateful as I know I will have to run these in the future.
Running with someone helps so much. We talked about various things, and the miles started going by faster. He started commenting about my running, my good form, and how my pace has gotten so much faster than the last time he had run with me (last time was around an 11:30 pace and today was more like 9:30). He said that he had been a coach of cross country girls and how he knew talent, and he felt I would be running in the Boston Marathon before I knew it.
This whole time, I am silent...thinking, and wondering why he is being so nice and complimentary when surely he must be mistaking me for someone else (like wonderful Anne-Marie). Then, I made an inane comment, something to the effect, "yeah, Boston isn't me...I'm not fast enough or good enough."
And there again was the old me popping out. He asked me why not? Why couldn't I? And he asked my best race times, and I told him, and he said "I can see you running a sub-4 hour marathon if you really trained well for it, and maybe even getting the BM qualifying time." Again, I fell silent, just wondering to myself...can I? Why can't I? Do I have limitations? Why don't I think I can do it? Why do I keep selling myself short?
Then, we were in the final stretch, and we sprinted it in. The actually mileage on my Garmin ended up being around 6.92, and we finished in 1 hour 13 minutes. The snow and ice slowed me down a bit, but I was happy just to finish.
The feeling of finishing, when I wanted so badly to quit....that is the new me. The old me is fading more and more as the time passes, and thank God for that.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Today was not that great with food. I didn't work out today (see last blog), but I knew that this weekend would be full of working out and I am not worried about that. I never worry about exercise since...well, I love to sweat. I love working out. I love to run. I love to lift weights. I love to spin.
Food. It's like there is 1 day every week where I just "have at it." Again, it was very conscious, like last week. I craved carbs, so had carbs. I had McDonald's for dinner. I had eggs for lunch. Not egg whites. Whole eggs. I won't get into details, though. I just can't do that every time. It's getting to be too embarrassing.
Last week when I had my day of nonstop eating, I still lost 2 pounds. I don't think I will be as lucky this week, though I have a different mindset about it. What is that mindset? That it is okay. It is okay if I am still at 159. Because it is a maintenance. Sure, I will have to fork over $5 to the website where I made a commitment and if I fail to lose 2 pounds this week, that $5 goes to my anticharity. That's okay. As long as I get back on the horse right away, I am fine. I can't be perfect. Sure, I would love to be more in balance, and not be 100% perfect 6 days, and 25% 1 day of the week. I would rather be 90% 7 days a week. But, it seems as though my mind/body aren't wired that way yet. It is as though I need to hold onto the knowledge that I can "pig out" if I want to once in a great while. That I can have the foods I really want to have. Not need to have. That I can have that choice. That is one of the many reasons I chose NOT to have the Lap-Band (trust me, that was an option for me being 286 pounds). Do I feel that the food today was worth it in hindsight? Of course not. It never is. And I know this. Do I regret it? Am I going to beat myself up over it? I would have in the not-so-distant past.
But, I will not do that anymore. I refuse to. Guilt tripping myself gets me nowhere and usually lands me in hot water the next day because I get into the vicious cycle of feeling like crap, depressed, so I figure WTH and just continue eating badly because hey, I screwed up already, may as well just bring it on like Donkey Kong!
Nope. Instead of getting up tomorrow and eating something bad for breakfast, I will have a banana and oatmeal, and I will run 7 miles tomorrow, because that is what I am meant to do. And I know I will feel good if I do that. I will feel even better when I have egg whites and turkey bacon for lunch. Even BETTER when I have a 3-oz chicken breast and couscous for dinner. Because my body is worth it. Even though my 1 day of sloth is contradictory to the rest of this paragraph, I think I need to have that once in a while, as a reminder. And hopefully the next time it happens I will make better decisions about it, or reduce it by a meal, so that only 2 out of 3 meals are not that healthy. Or even better, 1 out of 3. It is about progress, not perfection.
So, because my weekends are usually highly unstructured because of no work, I am going to make my goals ahead of time:
Nutrition: Tomorrow, I will eat protein, freggies, and lower carb (to counteract today). On Sunday, I am thinking the same, but with a steak for dinner (4 oz) with marinade. I will not eat out. I will make good choices.
Water: 140 ounces plus on both days.
Fitness: I have a 7-miler outside scheduled for tomorrow's run. I also plan on doing ST either Saturday or Sunday. On Sunday, I will go on the elliptical machine for some added cardio. It was to be my rest day, but I took that today instead. Shoveling tomorrow (again). Walking as much as I can and just getting out of the house. Clean the house when I can, and when Kaylee isn't behind me deconstructing what I clean.
Sleep: I am going to bed seriously late tonight, and am fervently praying that Kaylee sleeps in until 7 like she did this morning and yesterday morning, so I can get in 8 hours. If that doesn't happen, I will take a nap when Kaylee does tomorrow afternoon.
I was so scared of hitting my goal weight, and it took me so long to get here. Though it doesn't seem like a long time, I have been hovering around 160 since October. Now that I am there at my initial goal weight, I am feeling better. Sure, I had a not so great day today, but I felt different about it. Like that it was a part of my life, and I had to just acknowledge it, and get on with it, and not dwell on it.
Because I have hit this GW, I know that I can go farther. Just like I could run farther and farther. I have no doubt I will run my first marathon in May. And I also have no doubt that I will run my second marathon sometime this fall. I can, so I will.
Only I can slow myself down. Only me. And I will remember that.
Take care Sparklers, and have a joyously wonderful weekend!
Erin
Friday, January 21, 2011
I am getting so sick of this arctic weather.
This morning: -18/feels like -40
Right now: -7/feels like -29
Tonight: -16/feels like -24
Tomorrow: -15/feels like -40
Tomorrow night: -9/feels like -20
Sunday and onward FINALLY getting above 0, with Sunday having a high of 11!!!
We have been having furnace issues for the past 2 weeks. The service technician has been at our house 3 times now, and each time has either fixed something, figured something else out, or basically told me to replace my thermostat. He quoted me $377. I said I would buy one and replace it myself. Dear Lord, $377???? I also told him to teach me how to replace it. He has been awesome, and a really nice man, which has made this experience somewhat more tolerable. So, he taught me, and last night I tried to replace it. I had to use tiny screwdrivers for the screws, and on the new thermostat, I couldn't get the most vital screw loose. I ended up stripping the screw, and this was after the store had closed. SO, the house got down to 62 degrees again last night, even with DH getting up multiple times during the night to reset it. Kaylee thankfully slept REALLY well. My headache actually didn't quite hit migraine status (thank God), but was bad enough that I was miserable and cranky. I had ice cream. Yup. You hear me. I had it. Neapolitan. 1/2 the fat, but still ice cream. A whole bowl of it, not the 1/2 cup serving.
We were hoping that with the tinkering and replacing of the old thermostat, that the old one would all of a sudden work and the problem would be fixed. Like I said here before, nope, it didn't, so DH informed me that after I dropped Kaylee off at daycare I would have to bring in the one I had stripped the screw on, get another one, and try again. I did that...and PS, this morning was even more frigid out with a storm starting. I believe it said that the temperature felt like -40 degrees with the wind chill, of which there was plenty of wind.
DH calls me while at the store, and says I should have someone loosen the screw before I leave the store. I basically harumphed at that, figuring there was no way that would happen again. Of course, being that I harumphed, what do you think happened? Yeah, the screw wouldn't budge. Instead of stripping it, I headed to the store again (oh, and I was supposed to be working at this time but had called my boss and said I would make up the time by working whatever hours I missed after Kaylee goes to bed tonight...coz, you know, this always has to happen on a day DH works 18+ hours)...I headed back, and the guy grabs a fancy screwdriver and takes care of it, no problem.
Ugh, so I headed back home. It is already 9:08 when I get home (I was supposed to work at 8). I take off the old thermostat again, replace with the new one (thankfully I am getting handy with this, so it didn't take long). And, the furnance didn't start up. WHAT????? So, I took the faceplate off, and decided to take a piece out that I was questioning, and replaced it. Okay, then it started up just fine.
I programmed the sucker, and it seemed like everything was going hunky dory and I was just the biggest bada$$ for having been a cool handyman and fixing these thingies. Coz DH is so not a handyman. Just...he's not.
Yeah, and 2 hours later, the same issue we have been having occurs again. A couple of cycles, and then it stops working and refuses to start up again, so the temperature in the house falls, and falls fast because of how frigid it is outside. I remember what the technician told me about looking at the light inside of the furnace because if it is flashing, it has a list of reasons on the door, and it helps the technician fix the problem (because it never seems to be not working when the technician shows up). I see it is flashing once, which the door list says is a "system lock-out, too many cycle retries/repeats"
Okay, whatever. I then call the place, and the lady I am talking to seems not sure what I am talking about, but is nice about it. After I explain the situation fully, she says that she can have a technician come out, but it won't be until after 5. I say, Sure, that's fine, I am home anyway! Then, she says, Oh, it's after hours, so there will be a $149 dispatch fee. And I promptly tell her, No I am NOT paying any fee. Not for an issue that you guys haven't fixed the last 3 times you were out here. Sorry. So, the lady, still nice and kind, basically says that they can come on Monday then.
FRICKING great. So, that means the next 3 nights we are going to have to switch shifts of getting up and making sure that the furnace is on and/or working....*sigh*.
I went on the internet and looked up some stuff about the furnace I have and the flashing light. I did the instructions for a system reset (which apparently should counteract the system lockout). It is now working, but it is on its second cycle only. I think it stops working after the second cycle each time. SO, it would be a miracle if I actually did something right and fixed it myself. If that is true, though, this is something you would think the technician would have figured out himself or at least done once during the times he was here? I dunno.
But, during all of this hullabaloo last night and this morning, our daughter has been raging. Just RAGING!!!! The baby fever I have had recently? Gone. Like Poof. She was SO mad at me for waking her up this morning. Wouldn't let me put her jacket on this morning, much less her gloves and hat. Screaming at me. Love the terrible 2's. Just love em.
So, I have had another headache so far all day, not migraine material, but painful all the same. Didn't work out this morning for obvious reasons. I have to get my work done, but instead I am writing this blog because I am just so stressed right now. Oh, and our favorite house in this freaking town was just put up for sale and is actually in our price range. God, that makes me sad because there is no way we can get it with my job being in potential jeopardy. It has everything I want. Everything. And it was built in 1997. Not 1964, like the house I am in now.
Okay, now I am just whining. Boohoo. I need to chin up and focus on getting ready for tomorrow. My first long run of my marathon training. Outside. The forecast for 8 a.m. tomorrow morning? -13 (feeling like -39 degrees with the wind chill at 10MPH). How many miles? 7. And I know I must go. It's the first day of the runner's group training! I promised myself I would stick with it, with them, every Saturday for my marathon training. And I am scared. I still need a couple of items for my outdoor running clothes, because I don't have a second layer for my legs, or the crazy mouth and nose cover-up thing. And will I need a second pair of socks? Will my running gloves be warm enough? Good golly, Miss Molly.
A novel has been written, yo, and I probably just bored you all reading it. And I love you for it.
ETA: We keep the house temperature at 73 during the day and 72 during the night for Kaylee (and for me. I belong in Florida. Or California. Or Hawaii. All 3?).
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and lots of em girl! What a rough day. I'm in your "DH is so not a handyman. Just...he's not." boat so I feel you there. I hope things are starting to smooth out for you. If not then submerge yourself into what ever beautiful picture is in your back ground of the white beaches and clear blue waters!
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