ERINBEAR1876   27,451
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Misguided perceptions or delusions....

Friday, November 12, 2010

I have been thinking a bit about this lately, and so decided to blog about it to just put it out there. Maybe I am NOT the only one who has been feeling like this...but maybe I am.

First, a bit of backstory to make things a bit more clear. Since the age of 12, I have been overweight. Puberty hit me, and it hit me hard. The combination of my mommy's comfort food (read: hotdishes, meat/potatoes meals) and the fact that I only was truly active in the summer (we lived across the street from a pool) equaled a steady weight gain. But I didn't notice this really until I was in high school. About 5'6" in high school, and I weighed roughly 170 pounds. Not bad, but definitely not skinny like 97% of the other girls I was in school with.

18 years old - 180 pounds. I met my husband when I was 19 and as we dated, we ate out. This continued when we moved in together at 20 years old. Before I knew it, I was 220 pounds. Got down to 200 pounds on a "Lean Cuisine" diet with the treadmill in the apartment building, but that winter got up to 240 pounds. Stayed at 240 pounds for 3 years before getting pregnant with my daughter, ballooning up to 306 pounds during the pregnancy, and my journey really started at the weight of 286 pounds 1 month after I had given birth to my precious 10-pound baby.

Here is where the delusion or misguided perceptions come in. I would think, if I got down to 180 pounds, how HAWT I would be! Yes, that is SO vain, but I will admit it. Part of me wants to lose weight to rock the clothes I am wearing, to wear the HECK out of that dress I have been eyeing. To KILL in those high heels everyone wants! Basically, to look like a model does. To be pretty. To be the woman that a guy looks at and says "Damn, she's hot." and a woman looks at and thinks "I wish I could look like her."

Okay...after re-reading my last paragraph...right now I am feeling a lot of emotions. Shame for having these egotistical, vain, narcissistic thoughts. Embarrassment for the same reason. I guess...I was a tomboy most of my life, but deep down I really wanted to be the girly girl who...was a princess really. Oy.

So, moving on from that...I reached 180. And looked in the mirror. And HATED what I saw. HATED it. And I got so ANGRY at myself because I knew that the reason I looked like this, was because of all the food I had binged on over the years, the sedentary lifestyle I had for so long, this is the end result. I realized then that I wanted to have surgery done. A tummy tuck for the stomach hanging down. Liposuction for my inner thighs. A breast augmentation since apparently when you had 46I (yes as in the letter i) boobs, when they "shrink" to a 38D, they just flatten and sag down to my belly button. Sure, bras make them look all pretty, but I want to not NEED a bra for my boobs to look normal.

Again, conceited thoughts ran through my head. If only I reach 170, 160!!!! Then, I will be beautiful and look awesome in clothes. *sigh* Again, I deluded myself. Look at the pouch of a stomach, Erin! Look what happens when you get up to 300 freaking pounds!!!

So, that is where I am today. Realizing that my perceptions of beauty will not be coming true for me, that no matter what weight I am at, I will not look like a model. That I will be me, and I need to start accepting me for who I am and not what I look like.

That being said, I will still be looking at the surgery in the future if it stays the same. Yes, it may be a little narcissistic of me, but damnit I don't want to live the rest of my life with a muffin top that won't go away no matter the amount of crunches I do, the thighs that don't stop waving though I have been standing still for the last minute, or the boobs that just...well, I won't go there.

So, yeah...not an uplifting blog for sure, and really this is most likely going to be a blog not liked at all by a lot of people, but this is how I have been feeling. Have you ever looked in a magazine and wish your body looked like someone else's? Sometimes I think I live in a fantasy world too often.

Well, on to my day and I will probably post my goals later.



  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLEIGH711 11/12/2010 1:59PM

    I'm completely torn as to how to comment. I want to be all positive and cheerleader-like. Comment on how much you have accomplished and remind you that you are beautiful and your own biggest critic. I want to tell you to kepp up your hard work and remind you of all that positives that weight loss has to offer. If I did those things, I would not be lying. Its all very true and very well deserved.
With that being said, I have to be honest. I feel the exact same way. I want to look hot. I want people to drool all over me and I don't care how awful that sounds. I keep thinking I'm making progress and I look in the mirror and HATE what I see too.
So I'm going to compromise and say this...we are all in this together. We can work our bodies out day after day...but its minds that need work too. You deserve to want to be beautiful. We all do. And we all will way or another

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MRSSIBRAT 11/12/2010 1:11PM

    I feel the same way girl...and I am totally going to have breast augmentation surgury too...

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IRISH_AGUIRRE 11/12/2010 1:09PM

  Der Erin, I could have written much of this blog myself. I say that so that you know that you are not alone, by any means. I, though, was the super skinny & toned girl until 21, then still slim until past 30 when I "got big" (but still only 178 at 5'6"). That difference of biggest size does not change how we feel about our bodies, because there's more to what we see than the actual image. May I make a suggestion? I have read (twice now) a wonderful book to help me with my body image, so that I can learn to love myself as I am, no matter what size or the amount of jiggling body parts. The book is Do I Look Fat in This? Get Over Your Body and On With Your Life by Rhonda Britten. I found it on the bargain table at a bookstore last year, and it has helped me have fewer down days. I now speak more kindly to myself, even when I look in the mirror while getting dressed. Maybe it would help you befriend yourself, too? Hugs of understanding for comfort, Becky

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BLYNN710 11/12/2010 12:55PM

    Being vain isn't a bad thing. Think of it this way, you are looking at how your body has changed and what you can do to improve and love it more. You have put in a great deal of work losing this weight and there is nothing wrong with wanting to make it the best body it can be. Maybe you won't look like that woman in the magazine but what does her body actually look like. How much has that picture been airbrushed? Don't get down on yourself because you aren't happy how you are right now. Just keep on working on yourself and things will come together. Whether it has to be with the help of surgical intervention or not who cares. You have done a great deal of hard work and you deserve to enjoy the rewards.

By the way I think you look great.

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BRIAEL 11/12/2010 12:26PM

    I remember reading a Tom Venuto (of Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle fame) article, in which he states that loose skin is more than just skin. It's invariably small fat cells still trapped in the skin, which inhibits it from shrinking back to it's normal size.

At first, I was dubious about that claim. Then I stopped to think about it. At 50lbs down I am starting to see loose skin that flaps. I can also see the fat in it, still. Yet, my arms that were equally flabby, are not shrinking in the same way. I do not have "pouchy" skin on my arms or stomach and there must be a reason for the difference in the way THAT skin is shrinking back to normal and that on the legs/bottom area isn't. I have a personal trainer who makes sure that I exercise all the muscle groups, to stop uneven toning so why is it happening?

From memory, I don't have the link but he's pretty easy to research via Google, Venuto stated that we simply haven't lost enough fat from those cells to enable the skin to shrink back. As far as I know there isn't a way to "spot lose" fat, so I'm somewhat skeptical about just how much weight has to be lost for every tiny fat cell to dissipate.

Venuto claimed to have some method to correct it, so before you start planning all sorts of tucks and suction ops you might want to give him a look and decide for yourself. He has a large cult following, and is a natural body builder (ie he doesn't use steroids or anything artificial to buff himself up) and seems very knowledgeable about diet and exercise.

There's nothing wrong with daydreaming about being of model proportions, provided you don't forget that you are still a beautiful, worthy human who deserves to be loved and appreciated. Most of those models have severe eating disorders or take drugs or live with constant hunger in order to maintain those near perfect and unrealistic bodies. Please don't forget that ALL magazines airbrush every image they include, and models have flaws too! :)

I don't understand why you think vanity is such a bad thing. You've worked damned hard to lose the weight that was trapping unhappiness side, it's only normal to want to feel that your outside matches your happiness and pride inside. You go girl. Hold your head up and remember that you are a flag-bearer and inspiration for many of us following in your footsteps! :)

Comment edited on: 11/12/2010 12:29:07 PM

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VIXEN2188 11/12/2010 11:54AM

    It's not bad that you want to improve your self and the looks of yourself. As long as your doing it for "YOU". I totally get that after losing that much weight the excess skin is embarrassing. It is kind of like a reminder. I see no shame in having surgery to help correct it. I would definitely work on toning and muscle strength for a while first to see is there could be less surgery required. Hope you have a better day!

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SALINAMATHER 11/12/2010 11:19AM

    Its not vain at all to want to look good. Thats one of the biggest reasons why any of us on here are working out and eating right.
Unfortunately, losing alot of weight leaves behind extra skin, sagginess, etc and surgery is the only way to get rid of that.
You're not thinking of running off and getting liposuction because you don't want to give up your cheese burgers. You've been working very hard to get to where you are and sometimes a little extra help is needed to go all the way.
I've told my husband that if we ever have kids, I will get my boobs done afterwards and anything else that I can't fix myself with diet and exercise. Call me vain as well but I want to look good and feel good about myself and what I see in the mirror has the largest impact on how I feel about myself!

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MIECHI7 11/12/2010 10:44AM

    I was athletic in high school. Never weighed myself, never had too. I remember getting my tonsils out when I was a freshman and weighed 115lbs. WTH!! As soon as basketball was over my senior year I had to have knee surgery, and it was all down hill from there. I continued to eat the way I did when I was active all the time and did it ever catch up with me. Then came two babies and being in love. My husband loves me whether I weighed 250 or 50. He is awesome!!

So, some 25 yrs later and a lot of living behind me, I would love to have abs again, to have a perky a$$, and have smooth, stretch mark free thighs and tummy.

I am vain!! I won't rule out surgery in the future when I get close to my goal weight. Aren't you glad to have the option?

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Daily Goals: November 11, 2010

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Goals from yesterday:

1. Take a second rest day from the gym. Just in case. emoticon
2. Clean the house as much as possible. emoticon
3. Eat clean, healthy foods to boost me up. emoticon
4. Water! emoticon
5. Put in at least 175 lines/hour at work. Horrible day...really couldn't focus, and my mind was way too fuzzy. Not going to get down on myself about this one, though.
6. Stay at around 20-25 points this week. I want/need a great weigh-in next Tuesday at WW...preferably 160!! (Though my husband had a point when he said maybe it's a good idea to hit my goal weight AFTER Thanksgiving. But, why wait, right? It's not like I should give myself the go-ahead to pig out on Thanksgiving..) While I did eat clean and healthy foods....I had too much. My evening eating is KILLING me!
7. Thank my best friends for the gift card they gave me to Scheel's (a local athletic store that has stuff for running) for my birthday this weekend (they are leaving today for Europe and are gone for a few weeks). They sure know me! Love them, and they were on a plane, and pretty much off network, so I will definitely talk to them soon!
8. Crunches tonight! As many as I want! Went to bed!
9. Walk the dog twice for a total of 2 miles. She (and I) need it! emoticon

I am feeling better today, though Wallyball kicked my A$$. I will never play that again. It's like I am asking for an injury that keeps me from being able to WORK! As in, make MONEY! Oh, and my day started out bad. Daughter got up at 4. 4 freaking A.M. Not cool. My husband worked from 8 a.m. until midnight last night, so I felt overall horrible for going to the gym, but I had signed up and I hate being a no-show!!!

So, Goals for today:
1. Go to the gym. Play Wallyball for an hour.
2. Walk the dog twice.
3. Please, Please eat 22-ish points. Not 30. Why am I so flipping hungry?
4. Be good at the sports bar for the gym's football thingy after work. Have to be there for my team, but don't have to eat.
5. Take care of myself.
6. Strive to get 175 lines an hour at work.
7. Crunches tonight? Please?

I need to turn this day around now. Started out bad, and now have a headache and so many bruises. Not cool.



  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLYNN710 11/11/2010 12:02PM

    Good luck. You can do this.

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RDARLING 11/11/2010 10:35AM

    Good Luck! emoticon

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Daily Goals: November 10, 2010

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Yesterday's goals were met. I rested, and rested, and rested some more. The only thing I did that maybe I shouldn't have was got some Coldstone Creamery ice cream for the family. I had a $10 gift card from work and decided to get rid of it. I lost 1.2 pounds at my WW weigh in :o} I will not give the details on the ice cream I got for us last that would be just cruel in my opinion.

My goals for today?
1. Take a second rest day from the gym. Just in case.
2. Clean the house as much as possible.
3. Eat clean, healthy foods to boost me up.
4. Water!
5. Put in at least 175 lines/hour at work.
6. Stay at around 20-25 points this week. I want/need a great weigh-in next Tuesday at WW...preferably 160!! (Though my husband had a point when he said maybe it's a good idea to hit my goal weight AFTER Thanksgiving. But, why wait, right? It's not like I should give myself the go-ahead to pig out on Thanksgiving..)
7. Thank my best friends for the gift card they gave me to Scheel's (a local athletic store that has stuff for running) for my birthday this weekend (they are leaving today for Europe and are gone for a few weeks). They sure know me!
8. Crunches tonight! As many as I want!
9. Walk the dog twice for a total of 2 miles. She (and I) need it!

Yesterday was horrible, but after noon I felt much better (after taking a 4-hour "nap"). I actually went back to work at noon until 5 (I work at home). Today, like I said I am not 100%, but beyond my tummy starting to feel a bit weird and still having a slight headache and a bit dizzy, I am really feeling better. No more fever, chills, or aching!

But, I know I need to rest, so I took this morning off from the gym. In the past, I would have chided myself for being "lazy." I am not lazy...just listening to my body! And wouldn't you know, I stepped on the scale this morning (though I shouldn't have) and I was DOWN despite no gym and eating Coldstone Creamery ice cream! Take that, sucka! (Who the sucka is, I don't know).

P.S. Holiday seedless grapes? YUMM-O!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to buy about 8 more pounds today as they are on sale ;o}

To a great Wednesday, everyone!



  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLEIGH711 11/10/2010 3:13PM

    Glad you are feeling better, please keep listening to that body though. You are such an inspiration to me, I can't having you all sick and stuff :) Seriously, though, way to take care of business. You are awesome.

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BLYNN710 11/10/2010 1:12PM

    So glad to hear that you are feeling better. The extra rest day is probably just what your body needs. Congrats on the weight loss, I'm sure you will hit the 160!

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MEGSFITNESS 11/10/2010 9:57AM

    Feel better soon! thanks for not taunting me with cold stone lol

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DRB13_1 11/10/2010 9:38AM

    Glad you're feeling better! emoticon on the weigh in, go for the 160, and hope today is even better! emoticon emoticon

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1THING 11/10/2010 9:32AM

    sounds like an ambitious day! You will do it, that should keep you busy, there are lots of healthy foods for thanksgiving.

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Daily Goals: November 9, 2010

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Recap of my goals yesterday:

1. W-A-T-E-R. 'Nuf said. emoticon Done, done, done!
2. Spinning for 60 minutes and elliptical machine for 25 minutes at the gym. emoticon I never miss the gym when I have it scheduled. I just can't!
3. ST and Biggest Loser Bootcamp DVD after work. Goal HALF met. Did the ST earlier but didn't do the bootcamp as I was feeling so sore....
4. Mow the lawn and pick up dog doodoo and all that jazz on my lunch hour. Yeah, NO. I didn't do this. I really felt like doodoo on my lunch hour and I watched TV instead.
5. Walk the dog twice for a total of 2 miles. emoticon I really try not to mess with this!
6. 22 points for my food intake (or less). Goal NOT met. DH bought candy, and I did partake. Damn that Willy Wonka. Made DH take that stupid 75% candy to school with him this morning.
7. 200 average lines an hour typing (for my job). Goal NOT met. I am thinking of dropping this down to 170/hour since that is what I actually need. 200 lines an hour is exceeding and I don't HAVE to make that goal.
8. 250 crunches tonight after Kaylee goes to bed. Goal NOT met. I went to bed super early as I wasn't feeling well.
9. Go to bed by 9:30. emoticon I went to bed at 8:30. Yeah. Seriously.

So, I had a raging headache from around noon on yesterday. Didn't realize that was the precursor to waking up at 2 a.m. shaking uncontrollably. Took my temperature, which was 101.2 degrees. De-Lovely!! Took some Tylenol, had some water, and crawled back into bed. Kaylee woke me up at 6 a.m. (she is not adapting to the time change yet) and my body felt SPENT. As though I had gone to the gym and worked out for 5 hours. My body didn't feel this sore after I had run the half marathon!!! Ugh. But, I am feeling better now. Dizzy and lightheaded, but the fever has broken and I am feeling less sore.

Goals for today?
1. Rest. Rest. Rest.
2. Water. Water. Water.
3. Soup. Veggies. Fruit. Water.
4. Do NOT work out. No, Erin, No!
5. And...that is all.

So, in essence, today is literally going to be a full rest day. Considering walking the dog around the block (otherwise, she will not get a walk at all), but that is it. Nothing else. Feels odd.



  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IRISH_AGUIRRE 11/9/2010 6:59PM

  I hope you got the rest you needed.

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BLYNN710 11/9/2010 5:42PM

    Sorry to hear you don't feel good. I think the rest day is probably just what your body needs. Feel better soon!!

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MEGSFITNESS 11/9/2010 5:03PM

    Ugh :( that sounds horrid. Get some rest sweets, and feel better soon (I hope I hope I hope!) emoticon

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FANORONHA_14 11/9/2010 4:28PM

    You are emoticonYou are emoticon
Never Give Up!
Life is Good
Good Health is the Greatest Wealth
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

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Daily Goals: November 8, 2010

Monday, November 08, 2010

First, to check on how I did on yesterday's goals:
1. Water! emoticon I drank as much as I could possibly drink!
2. Gym: Elliptical for an hour plus anything extra I can put in while there. emoticon I did this plus ran for 2 miles. Uff-dah.
3. In bed by 9:30 tonight. emoticon I managed to do this even after watching The Tudors for 50 minutes!
4. Eat less sodium...time to get ready for Tuesday's weigh-in! emoticon I actually did this...ate a lot of veggies and fruits!
5. Mow the lawn, weed whack, and pick up the back yard dog doodoo. Ick. Nope. I am doing this Monday on my lunch hour.
6. Go out for a 1-mile walk twice today. emoticon Done x3! 3 miles today with dog/baby/hubby.
7. Do the Biggest Loser bootcamp DVD. emoticon I did this even though I really did not want to. I hate lunges and squats. With a passion.
8. Stay around 22 points. emoticon Finally. I finally did this.
9. Take a half an hour for myself to read my new JD Robb novel. emoticon How can I not? I abso-LUTELY love the In Death series. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!

I am really happy with how I did Sunday....though in a perfect world I would have mowed the lawn, did the landscaping, and put up the Christmas lights. I did take down the Halloween decorations, though!

Okey, dokey, smokey....goals for today:
1. W-A-T-E-R. 'Nuf said.
2. Spinning for 60 minutes and elliptical machine for 25 minutes at the gym.
3. ST and Biggest Loser Bootcamp DVD after work.
4. Mow the lawn and pick up dog doodoo and all that jazz on my lunch hour.
5. Walk the dog twice for a total of 2 miles.
6. 22 points for my food intake (or less).
7. 200 average lines an hour typing (for my job).
8. 250 crunches tonight after Kaylee goes to bed.
9. Go to bed by 9:30.

So ready for this day to be rocked!!! Oh...wait, I am rocking it now :o}



  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PSYCHBAMA 11/9/2010 8:57AM

    That's awesome! Way to go with your goals. You are doing such an AMAZING job and I am so inspired by you to do more. I got tired just reading your goals. Ha! That is great!!!
emoticon emoticon

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ANNE7X7 11/8/2010 9:59PM

    You are rocking the daily goals!! I am really loving the concept of it!! It's great cause we reach goals every single day!! WoohoO!

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MEGSFITNESS 11/8/2010 1:04PM

    Hehe! Keep rockin it girl!

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RDARLING 11/8/2010 10:55AM

    emoticon emoticon

You are doing a super job! I saw your other comment about family, friends, etc- excuses, excuses! Having a healthy life isn't easy and some people just aren't ready to make that commitment. Don't let them get you down!


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