ERINBEAR1876   27,451
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A Glimpse into my Mind today

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I was looking through my camera photos this evening when I came upon one I hadnít shared before, a picture of all my medals from running:

I have 2 others, but Kaylee stole them. Anyway, the one on the bottom left (that says Friday Night Fargo 5K) was my first 5K race I had ever run, the race that I ran with pretty much no training. The bottom right medal was for the first half marathon. The bottom middle was for the first marathon. The ones above all mean a lot to me, but those 3...they are the epitome of everything my journey stands for: Hard work, dedication, motivation, inspiration, sweat, tears, joy, determination, uphill battle...

My Motivation wall in my closet:

And that is what has made me a success in other areas of my life. My journey has led me to a job I have been amazing at for 7 years and counting. To an amazing guy who recognizes greatness in me. To a weight loss I never thought possible. To overcoming 2 separate addictions, then persevering to overcome the last. To be that inspiration, that motivation. To enable me to become...more. To empower myself to evolve, to better myself, and to be more than be extraordinary. I know the sky is the limit for myself. I can only hold myself back, I have no one in my way.

And God, this all sounds a bit overly cheesy, but this is how I am feeling. I am in the best place of my life right now, and I want to take advantage of these feelings. I want to do the best I can, when I can. I want to learn, absorb, be one heck of a sponge as I continue on these next few weeks, before I am able to go back to work. By the time that happens, I plan to have everything streamlined for myself, and a timeline of my own prepared so I know what needs to be done to stay on track with what is expected of me, of what I expect from myself. I will have my main objectives set, and what needs to be done to exceed those objectives. To constantly update those objectives, and plan ahead so Iíll never be left wondering: What next?

When it comes to my weight, Of course always in the back of my mind I do focus a bit on the number, but really what I want to do is work out. Yes, work out. GOD, I miss spinning, the strength training, and SO MUCH the running. The high I get after pushing through an hour of running. The endorphins are so amazing. After putting 35 miles on the spin bike and my legs are like jelly...the sheen of sweat covering my body, my hair soaked, always trying to do better each and every time. Because I know I can.

I am going to be discussing this week with my doctor what I can start doing after 5 weeks is up. I am right now focusing on walking, though I havenít done any incline work. When I get the okay, I would like to begin doing 30 minutes of incline work on the treadmill, at a 3.0 mph pace, put together a spreadsheet. When 6 weeks is up, I would like to start doing the C25K (couch to 5K) program, very slowly. When I am given the okay to start strength training, I plan on doing very low weight, and work on the reps, 1 rep of 10 to start out with on each machine. Eventually working in pushups, crunches (those likely will be last in line here), planks, squats, and lunges. Even just writing about this, renews a sense of purpose.

Oh, and an updated photo of moi:

Me and my little girl:

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOVINITMORE 1/26/2013 6:29PM

    You look beautiful. Kaylee is getting so big. I loved reading your blog. You have always been such a great motivator for me!!! Your goals sound wonderful. emoticon

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GRACEISENUF 1/17/2013 3:50PM

    I haven't been keeping to well with blogs but I am glad to read you are in such a good place and doing well.

Your goals and spirit are uplifting.....Shine on spark friend!


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-POOKIE- 1/16/2013 12:54PM


I missed you other blog as I was absent from SP from mid-december, needed to cut myself some slack.

I agree looking at things you did, things you where, can be a motivator, I need to use it as a good motivator, not a beat-yourself-up one.

Take care of yourself and enjoying your planning x

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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Since my last journal entry, I have gone off and done things on my own a bit, it fits with the blossoming. I would love to go more into it here, but I am not sure that will happen. It's a part of my life that I don't think I ever want made "public" on here.

I'm going to be brief, because I am recovering right now and really just small tasks like typing wear me out, but here goes:

I haven't had a binge since November 19. Today is December 26. I call that a win.

I have been journaling daily in a different format, and it has helped me immensely with dealing with stress and pretty much life.

I had surgery on December 21. I had an abdominal supracervical hysterectomy and sacral colpopexy (pubovaginal sling).

Basically, I had my uterus removed through an incision above my pubic bone. Directly beneath that incision, I had 2 more to go in and do a sling repair of my bladder. I was in the hospital from Friday until Christmas Eve (Monday evening).

I can't do much for 4-6 weeks. I can't drive for 2 weeks. And right now? Walking sure is a pi$ser. But, the surgery had to be done.

I can't run for quite a long time. I can't work out for a long time. I can't lift anything above 10 pounds this whole time. Again, not much I can do. And I can tell why. Like I said, most anything wears me out right now.

But, I felt I had to get in here and update.

With my weight, I am wanting to get back to 160. However, there is NO time limit. No race to be won here. It's a work in progress. I am not making unnecessary demands on myself. No tracking, not really. I do write down what I eat, but I do not focus on points, calories, or even really how much I had of it.

And this is not a format I would expect to "work" but for me? So far, so good. I weighed 206 pounds on November 13. On December 21, I weighed 194.8.


I am in a very good place, and have been in that good place for over a month, going on 5-6 weeks. I hope to remain in this good place.

Do I have plans for running? For races? Not really. I plan to participate in a 5K on the weekend of St. Patrick's day, and of course I do hope to participate in the Fargo 5K and Go Far Challenge. But.

But, I am not promising myself this. I am evaluating as I go. I know I will at least WALK each of the 5K races. Hmm..

This feels quite liberating really. I know I will run more and more down the road, more races. But, I am not going to shove into it so much as I was before. I am being smarter about it. I am feeling my way through this, because to keep this all fluid, instead of being "hard" and not changeable, is what is working.

Or that could be the pain medicine talking. Who knows.

Merry Christmas :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AURORA1423 1/9/2014 1:03AM

    Take good care of yourself, Erin! emoticon

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RAVENSONG37 1/10/2013 11:25PM

    I love you!

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LORI-K 1/2/2013 5:51PM

    Oh my goodness! I am just now seeing this blog. I hope you are feeling better and I am wishing you a speedy recovery. I'm so sorry you are going through so much, but you seem to have an excellent attitude about it all.
I am having bladder trouble right now too and am awaiting a urologist appt on Jan 23rd. A long time to wait with the pain I am in. But alas, it is only temporary and I am trying to find joy in other areas right now, since my running is on hold.
Hang in there. I hope you continue to heal and feel better every day!

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TARABEAR 1/1/2013 6:01PM

    Wishing you a smooth recovery and much success in 2013!

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SEATTLESIMS 12/27/2012 12:20PM

    Good luck with your recovery and best wishes on your new journey!

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MIECHI7 12/26/2012 9:44PM

    Take care of yourself! I hope you are OK:)

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SROUS1340 12/26/2012 9:06PM

    You sound like you are in a really healthy place Erin! Congrats! I regained all the weight I lost 2 years ago and am working it again in a different way as well. Sugar is not my friend and gluten isn't either. Two tough things to avoid, but boy do I feel better when I do. Good luck with your recovery and continued best wishes on the journey!

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TRYINGTOLOSE64 12/26/2012 8:38PM

    Hope you get better soon and can get back to exercising soon. Good luck!!

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Monday, November 26, 2012

I have an appt with my therapist next Wednesday, but I know I'll be throwing him for a loop. I have made quite a discovery about myself. It has to deal with a very private part of me, and my relationship with my husband. I can't go into detail at all here because it is just TOO private, but I am letting a really deep part of my come to light. Something I thought was too...taboo maybe? for me to even talk about, much less consider doing.

Not only was my husband open minded about what I was feeling, but he encouraged me to pursue it. It sounds so much more taboo than it is because I'm not SAYING what it is, but it is a huge part of why I am feeling so good, and have been for about a week now. Because of this, there are so many things falling into place.

My happiness has been steadily growing, and the dread, the depression, is falling back to make way for my serenity. I I am blossoming. Like this is me, finally this is me. I am who I am and there is no pretending, no facade.

I haven't weighed exactly 2 weeks back from today. Before that I was weighing nearly every day, at least 5 days a week, and I had been doing that for YEARS. I thought it would be SO hard, that I wouldn't be able to stay away from hopping on that scale in the morning, but really? That has been a 200-pound weight lifted off my back. I know eventually I will be weighing in, but I believe that because of this experience it will be secondary, just a way to keep tabs, and not my whole life, not consuming me.

This last weekend I had a great time, just chilling, or cleaning, getting a Christmas tree to put up, going to BWW to see a great football game, and not even eating half of my plate of food before getting a to-go box.

Today is my husband's 35th birthday :) He had a fun birthday weekend, and I basically let him do his favorite things all weekend as his gift, which also included giving the go-ahead for him and his buddy to go on a road trip in the southwest this summer for 5 days. We had a frozen pizza followed by McDonald's birthday cake. I had 1 slice of the pizza, a bit of the leftovers from BWW (a Buffalito which is grilled chicken in a softshell), and 1/2 slice of cake which was OH so good. Then, I went to the gym which has been VERY lacking lately, and I walked for 50 minutes on the treadmill with a 5-minute run in the middle. Unfortunately, I almost developed a shin splint, so I stopped running right away. I will do everything I can to NOT deal with that anymore, and I had a feeling that it was the treadmill that caused them (well, and running in a 200-pound body doesn't help).

Motivation for the day: Me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOVINITMORE 12/5/2012 1:30PM

    Always love reading your blogs...Glad to hear you are doing so well!!!

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RUNNER4LIFE08 11/27/2012 10:23AM

    emoticon Keep blossoming! emoticon

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-POOKIE- 11/27/2012 8:42AM

    I'm really pleased xxx

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IMARUNR 11/27/2012 8:22AM

    Awesome in many ways!! Great job!

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MICHSTATE 11/27/2012 5:38AM

    That's awesome, Erin!!! I am so happy for you!!!!
(By the way....McDonald's has cake?!?!?!)

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Friday, November 23, 2012

Yesterday was quite the day. I didn't mention it much (or at all) in yesterday's blog because it just felt like it needed to be separate.

Two days prior to Thanksgiving, I really felt like I was going in the right direction and that things really were/are starting to click for me. I know that there are a lot of challenges food-wise coming up, but it seems there are always challenges like that, so I need to use them to my advantage rather than use it as an excuse to pig out, followed by a vicious cycle of hating myself, eating to drown out that hate/disgust, and then hating myself more.

I had a tentative plan for yesterday. It was my turn to host the dinner, and it was actually my first time really cooking the whole deal.

I know what everyone likes, so I kept it at that: Turkey, mashed potatoes/gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, pickles/olives/black olives, rolls, croissants, green bean casserole, candied yams, lefse with sugar and/or brown sugar.... oh, and pumpkin pie with Cool Whip of course.

The week before I was apprehensive because I just wasn't "getting it" and was continuing to eat like crap. I am so glad I didn't go into this day with that attitude.

I got up to run, got out there, then wimped out. Yup. I wimped out. It was -11 degrees with the wind (real feel temp) whereas just a few days before was 50 degrees. With that wind, I just wasn't ready. So, I went back home (I was meeting up with beginners...honestly, if any of them showed up, I would have stuck it out, but no one showed up).

From beginning to end, making the meal, doing laundry, cleaning up the place, etc. etc. was actually pretty easy considering...I did plan everything out though and made sure it was all super organized. However, I did end up sending DH out about 4 times for things I neglected to pick up (like stick margarine, more milk, flour, etc.).

It was all ready just about the time my parents, brother, and sister showed up. I was surprised to see my mom (she was supposed to be working), not so surprised to see her walking in with cheesecake. Turns out she was put on-call because too many nurses were working and she has seniority. It was nice to have her eat with us!

Anyway, I knew I'd be eating a good-sized meal, but I made sure I wrote down what I planned to eat in my log book, so I would have that in mind when I actually dished up. I ended up having a plate of food. Not heaping, but a full plate. I had a bun, 2 mini croissants on the outside of my plate, and I had 1 bite of cheesecake. No pie.

Then, I kept myself busy, cleaning things, making second batches of things as they ran out. After everything was finished and I had to put the leftover food away, I pulled out all my containers, filled them up, and sent ALL of that food back with them. I wanted no leftovers here. The cheesecake went back the way it came....that felt good. We were having a bit of a snowstorm though, so my plans of being outside fell flat.

Anyway, how I handled myself yesterday during a day where people bring out their sweatpants so they can eat more, where my DH told me people on average eat about 5000 calories during the meal(s) gave me confidence.

Today is another win in my book. My DH works tonight, and is gone until midnight. About 100% of the time in the last 2 months I have used him being at work as a free-for-all with my eating. And I didn't tonight. I planned what I was going to have, had it, had a treat, marked that down, and here I am blogging before heading to bed.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know that I am hopeful, and today I am proud of myself.

Motivation of the Day: Friends (TJ, Paula, know it!!!)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNER12COM 11/25/2012 11:31AM

    You should be proud. Well done!

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NITELITE72 11/24/2012 8:59AM

    Great should feel good that you stuck to your plan!!

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JILLIANPRNCSS 11/24/2012 7:54AM

    Wow you did amazing, pat yourself on the back.

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A New Mindset

Thursday, November 22, 2012 where do I start?

In my last blog, I talked about reinvention. And it has been a work in progress. It's been so hard. Starting is hard. Making the right choices. I can't believe it is SO hard to do.

I know it gets better, gets easier as I get used to it, but this last 20-30 days has been rough on me, emotionally and physically.

I've been sick-ish since about Halloween. I had strep throat, and am still taking antibiotics for it. I see the ENT doctor about this on Wednesday. Not sure if I'll be getting my tonsils taken out, but if I need them out, I would push for sooner rather than later, if I can.

But, I'm also having a hysterectomy with bladder repair on Dec 21, and I'll be needing to stay away from running/lifting/all that fun stuff for 6 weeks. I am looking to run a 5K 2 weeks after coming back to running and work, so that should be interesting. I most likely will be walking at least part of it.

For about the last 2 months, I have been unstoppable when it comes to eating. I have been binge eating a bit less, but grazing a lot more. I rarely stopped eating throughout the day. It is really amazing how much weight you can gain in such a short amount of time. The last weight I saw was 206 pounds, and that was 2 weeks ago.

I haven't been weighing myself because I started in a 6-week program almost 2 weeks ago for eating disorders. I went through the intake process, which started out by meeting with the coordinator, then the medical doctor, followed by the dietitian, then the psychologist, ending with the same coordinator. It was pretty overwhelming. I was basically told that if I was serious about this program, about helping myself and overcoming my binge eating disorder (and also anorexia which I didn't realize I had), that I would NOT be weighed, I would NOT be counting calories or points, and that I would write down what I ate, and various things about it, like how I am feeling, if what I ate strayed from the plan, and to note things about that. Also, to write down if I exercised, what did I do, how long, and was it "compensatory" exercise (to work off the effects of a binge).

The purpose of this program was to normalize my eating pattern, basically "intuitive" eating where I would eat when I am hungry, if I overeat to move on and not snowball...there was a great illustration of what they mean, saying that when you are driving your car and you run into trouble, have a flat tire, then you fix that tire and keep moving on. You don't get out and let the air out of the other tires.

The first week after that meeting was rough. Although I was writing everything down, I still was eating a lot. I had my birthday, though I did eat less than I normally would have (splitting my meal with DH, having only 1 slice of my cake). It wasn't until 2 days ago that it started really clicking for me, that I started really wanting to eat normally. That I stopped thinking about my weight and how I looked in the mirror, stopped thinking about how I need to be such-and-such weight before such-and-such time.

One of the biggest hurdles for me was/is the fact that about 18 months ago I was 160 pounds and in the best shape of my life. I was working out 5-6 days a week, was running half marathons, 10K's, 5K's, etc. and fitting into size 8/10 clothes. Today, I am approximately 205 pounds, in the worst shape (in my mind) since at least about April 2010. I am working out about 1 time a week, maybe 2 (yes, I know a lot of this is because of my throat but that has turned into an excuse sometimes), and I am fitting into size 14 clothes, leaning toward size 16.

It's hard not to feel discouraged by this, to feel depressed.

Until I take away the little microscope in my head, and look at everything as a whole. For instance, I am leagues away from where I was when I started my journey at 286 pounds. And in the worst shape? I ran a freaking marathon just over a month ago! Yes, it took me 6 hours, but if my hip/knee hadn't been hurting so much and I finished the second half as I did my first half, we would have finished in about 5:15-5:30 hours.

Anyway, the point is....who cares? Why am I so focused on where I am now and down on myself about it, when I can and SHOULD be more focused on what I am doing today, and not looking at my past or my future when it is harmful to my well-being.

I need to stop feeling remorse or regret. I am finally working on that new mindset, where I am happy, with myself, with my life, with just being who I am.

I am a mommy. I am a wife, a sister, a daughter. I am strong. I am a motivator. I can inspire. I am worthwhile.

My next blog within a day or two, will be recapping, and any plans I have.

I really want to make SP a part of my everyday life again. I get so much from SP, from my friends here, and it is the perfect outlet for journaling about my life.

And each day, I'll name something/someone that/who is motivating me.

Today: Kaylee (my daughter)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAY_MAY007 11/29/2012 9:41AM

    Erin thank you for this blog, I have been feeling some of the same ways, but you posting this has gave me a boost in my motivation for getting back on my workout regimen! Congrats on your success so far & in the future! emoticon

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MAMADWARF 11/23/2012 10:27PM

    I really like this blog...hood healthy thoughts and action. I also like your daily motivation! Good job!

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PAMATX 11/23/2012 4:20PM

    Glad to see you back, doll. Health issues sure can trip you up. It sounds like you are learning a lot of important things about yourself and about the journey, I don't weigh, either, but my therapist does weigh me every two weeks. I have no idea what the number is. If I weighed, I'd make myself crazy. Because of this, for years I did not weigh. And whenever any doctor wants to weigh me, I say no. That's a lot of fun.

I had a hysterectomy in 2007. Feel free to ask me anything.

I can't wait to read about the things that motivate you. That's a great idea!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SROUS1340 11/22/2012 11:13PM

    Hi Erin, I think your new program sounds great. I've been yo-yo dieting since I was 12, almost 50 years and for most of that time, I measured my self worth and how I felt by what the scale said. I didn't get on a scale for a year-got back to my top weight and I'm on my way back down. I'm only getting on the scale at my drs office, cause they make me. Good luck on your journey, it's work worth doing-for yourself and for Kaylee!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 11/22/2012 7:23PM

    Lots of things happening in that brain of yours. I so understand. I'm proud of you... for being open, sharing your story, and giving perspective. I can hardly wait to see you next week!

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