Friday, September 18, 2009
Hello Caring Friends,
I wrote a blog entry two days ago and when I tried to post it, it disappeared into cyberspace, with no warning. I tried every trick I know to retrieve it, but it was gone. It's too bad because it was a fun entry. I had my first--and only stress-free day at work on Tuesday, and I told you about my new, not-so-secret admirer in my life. One of the little kindergarten boys I see has decided that he loves me. He told me that for the first time on Tuesday. He tells me that I'm his favorite teacher and that I am so pretty and that he loves me so much. Yesterday, before he had breakfast, he stood in my doorway and threw me a kiss "to carry around in my heart." Actually, I have since found out that there is more to the story. It is confidential information that I cannot share here for a number of reasons. I feel so sad, because my experience as an educator and a mother is that this child who can work his heart out in my small group may need more than we can give him at school. Obviously, his sweet talking has gotten to me, lol, because this is one of my favorite groups of children to work with each day. These boys work so hard for me and I keep them going for a full session, moving from one activity to the next, and we have fun doing so. (We often run over and nobody seems to mind, even though they are late to recess.) I need to chat with his teacher and his parents too, soon.
As for the rest of my week, there have been some stand out moments and I am really beginning to believe that there is some validity to my "conspiracy" theory that there is purposeful activity to make me feel so poorly. I was told one day that I am not allowed to use the handicapped parking space and on another day I was "chewed out" for not turning the air conditioner off in the room--even though I leave at noon. It is still my job--go figure. These things are no longer about my work situation and are very personal. I am not sure what the motivation behind all of this really is, but it is wearing me down on a regular basis. Maybe if I knew the "why" behind all of this, I could understand--and even repair the issue. Oh my.
On to other things...my birthday is tomorrow and my family has decided that a camping trip is in order for the weekend. It will certainly be a break from what I've been doing and spending my free time doing. We won't be far away, so I get to keep my lunch appointment with my best friend. We schedule a lunch for one Saturday a month, and I had to change this month because of the holiday and then again because of my workshop. We don't eat much, but we drink a lot--water for me and diet soda for her. We leave a big tip, so the wait staff doesn't mind us taking up a table for two or more hours. It is just a lot of good fun and I look foreward to it each month. It will make my birthday more special.
I have decided to go ahead and work on the renewal of my National Board Certification this year. My workshop last week convinced me that I can do this--and I know that I can do it well. That adds several things to my agenda--and it would be nice if I could ever get through all of the boxes I have at school to free up my focus. I am sure that part of the reason for the camping trip is to get me away from that activity for a week. I worked from 2 last Sunday until 10:30 that evening. I have worked hours and hours trying to sort through all of my books and other belongings that were packed so badly. I have such little space for keeping my things that this has been a major ordeal. I have two small classrooms, with no closets or cabinets at all. I have bought a couple of things--small sets of drawers and several small shelf units from second-hand stores, but I have to draw the line at buying major furniture for these schools. There will be some videotaping as part of this process, and I prefer to have decent, organized classrooms in these photos. I am looking foreward to the process because it did so much for me the first time around.
I think I will use part of my birthday weekend away to organize my plans and put a positive spin on the career that means so much to me. This may be the way to get past the unpleasantness that I have been going through. A new birthday...a new year, and lots of things tolook forward to. This sounds like a plan with merit. I'll tlak to you all soon!!
PS Enjoy some calorie-free cyber-birthday cake on me!!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Hi there, dear friends,
I have had a tough week. It started out with me getting in trouble with my boss because I wanted to ask for something and she didn't have time to hear the entire story. It included a special visit to me from the HR guy and an email from the Curriculum guy too. The thing was, I wanted some help in the other building and one of the helpers was off for bereavement. The other gal told me that she would be glad to come and give me a hand to manage the stairs and things that are tough for me. Before I could explain all of this to my boss, she started the conversation with how she didn't have time to talk with me and then jumped in with how she couldn't pay for mileage. I just about cried because she didn't give me a chance and all I said was that "You know, I haven't asked for anything and I have had to come in and work every weekend which nobody else had to do." I went on and worked on my own, but it would have been so much easier if I could have had someone go talk to people upstairs instead of trying to wait for them to answer an email or catch them on the first floor hallway. Oh my.
After the slaps on the hand that I got on Tuesday by the Assistant or Associate Superintendents, I became progressively more ill all day long. I had physical therapy after school and could barely move, my therapist decided that I need my therapy in the pool so I'll start that on Friday. On Wednesday, I found out that there were no chairs for my students because they sent them to the other building and at the other building, there is no furniture for me because the custodian needs someone to help him carry things, but his schedule has been changed and he is the only one working during his hours. So my room in that building has no table and chairs for the students and the available bookcase can't be gotten. There is a leak in my ceiling that they have been looking at for weeks--and they made a big hole up there possibly 2 foot square. For almost two weeks, it has been dripping into a half full garbage can and an ionizer has been running. There is an odd smell in this room and I don't know if it is old wet garbage or the hole and the mold or whatever goes with that or the ionizer, but I became more and more nauseated. I had an after school appointment with my psychologist and when we got to his office, I vomited all over the car, myself and the parking lot, so I didn't get to go talk about how to manage this new stress.
I decided to stay home on Thursday and got in to see my doctor. He did lab work, made an appointment for me with a GI doc, and gave me a prescription for a strong anti-nausea medication. He also told me to take Friday off work too and gave me a "back to work note." I have to call them back on Monday for the appointment and the results to my lab work. All I did on Friday was sit in my chair and doze off and on all day. It was nice not to vomit.
Yesterday, I spent 6 hours working in my classrooms in both schools, I didn't finish in the primary building because I found a dozen boxes with art and desk supplies in them and since I didn't get any this year, these are important to me. My daughter is great at sorting things and she should be able to come and give me a hand with all of this. The guys reorganized the shower I have been given to store my things in and we accomplished a lot in both buildings. We just aren't done yet, and tomorrow, I am going to see students with or without furniture. I will find a way to make things work.
It has been a tough week and I am sure that this is not over. It is so good to have my big family and to have all of their help in working through my issues. I am emotionally drained with all of this and am ready for some relief. I have prayed and am counting on the answers to my prayers so that can have relief and get finished. Prayer is the best way to get what we need.
Hopefully, I'll have a positive follow up to this in a couple of days (after I worked with my kids).I'm looking forward to my real job.
In Christian love,
Sunday, August 16, 2009
It has been raining this morning and we are all disappointed. It seems to be slowing down and has not been a thunderstorm, so we are prayerful that our picnic/ swimming excursion. My daughter who works at a waterpark was sent home though, so we are all in limbo right now.
I did not attend to anything at school yesterday because we had so many things to do at home. We ran errands, dealt with school supplies and a few new clothes, and decided to do all of the laundry we could find at the laundromat (I still forgot a load of blankets). It was pretty unbelieveable, but we did 18 loads of clothes. I had to reteach all of my male family how to correctly sort and wash things, the use of bleach, laundry soap, and extras, and how to fold things. I cannot believe all of the shortcuts they were taking. I had to refold every pair of slacks that we had and they just all played a bit dumb. (My guess is that Mom may never be invited again to do laundry with the others.) It took us about 3 1/2 hours.
My son went to take one of his brothers to work, pick up another brother from work, and to get the ice. I think the picnic is on. (YAY) The guys planned this, and I am just here to support and enjoy. My daughter wants to use my computer before we go, but I really don't feel like sharing. I will do the right thing...
I have lots I should be doing, but I'm missing SparkPeople while things are so hectic, workwise. Things are better, but since I didn't get to boxes this weekend I will probably get some sass tomorrow. Maybe we can do some after school, or even during school if I have the right help. It's hard to tell.
My daughter keeps reminding me to "keep on typing your blog." I wanted to talk about church today. The service was short, but the message was strong. We have been taling about "Service to God" We sang a couple of my favorite songs.. Our praise music was fun to sing, we did 2 out of 3 of my "favorites' As always, it helped me a lot and "filled my spiritual cup" The place is almost beautiful enough to do that alone. The big stained glass windowd with Jesus at the door is gorgeous.
I keep hearing "Mom, are you done?" I will let her have this. Take care and have a wonderful first day of the week.
Take care and enjoy today that God has made!!
9/18--Note...I cannot believe all of the typos there were in this blog. I think I fixed them all, sorry to everyone who got to read this.
Friday, August 14, 2009
My Spark friends have been on my mind as I have worked and worked on the almost impossible the past two weeks. I try to blog weekly, and maybe if my job gets on schedule, so will I. I haven't tracked my food in several days, but I haven't eaten much in the same several days. I had an awful bug of some kind that kept me up all night Tuesday and the wee Wednesday hours. I tried to work, but went home at lunch. I was so weak and tired from that short lived bug that walking to the car was a big job. I actually woke up at 6:30 PM and thought it was AM, and when my husband came in the room, he startled me. (He leaves for work far before 6:30 and I wasn't expecting to see him.) Anyway, the icky bug seems to have left as fast as it came upon me. YAY!
I am still doing paperwork and not teaching. I have been chasing down test scores from other teachers and schools, one or two at a time because so much information has been unavailable. My older kids can tell me what school they went to and their teacher, my little ones cannot. The data was a mess, but I believe this is a learning experience for all of us and this shall be addressed to not happen again. My helpers, our two reading paraprofessionals have been awesome, working together and doing any little job that will help me out along with helping each of the kindergarten teachers so they can test as well.
I thought that our family might go camping this weekend, but it doesn't seem as if they will do the leg work while I am working and I couldn't do everything while I am at work, so I think that will get put off until next weekend, before my kids start school. That means this weekend will be another weekend to sort out my boxes. Yippee, that's not a lot of fun, but I need to finish the job.
I started physical therapy this week. My new physical therapist didn't give me much of a prognosis--there is little to no muscle tone or anything in my back and he is not surprised. His take on everything is that since my first surgery in March of 2005, I have not had any real way to strengthen my back or build endurance, so he knows that starting slow and building a foundation is what's best. I talked to this strong young man named Matt about everything including my plans to do weight loss surgery. He thinks that I need to do this strengthening first because otherwise both my abdomen will be weak while my back is incredibly weak and that healing will be very long, painful, and difficult. As far as the WLS, I am hoping to have a call from the surgeon's nurse tomorrow to see where things stand. If, along with half of my former PT notes, they do not have enough to convince the insurance company that I am a good candidate to follow a healthy plan...it really is time to rebuild my strength and get them the current paperwork that shows my time at the gym, the pool, and at PT.
I have new short term goals--1. I will develop my schedule and the schedule for the paras who have been working with me that is fair, considering the children's needs. 2. I will work on moving the remaining boxes of books, with completion by Labor Day weekend. 3. I will get back to tracking my eating on the nutrition tracker on Sunday, the start of next week. 4. I will get 3-4 days swimming each week, 2 days of physical therapy, 7 days of my PR exercises, and ,y regular walking--a few steps at a time do add up. 5. I will use my pain meds and ice to keep my pain level at a minimum each day. 6. (The most important) I will have time with my husband and each of my children who are around each day because when I don't stay close with them, I feel empty.
I think that I'm on the right track...This has been such an eventful couple of weeks that I am only sharing the main things. My weight is exactly the same as my ticker...but I am sure that I had a gain after I returned from my workshop, so I did my job and lost whatever I gained. YAY!
Hugs to you all,
Monday, August 03, 2009
My husband is exhausted and if I sit still with ice on my back, I cannot feel the sharp pain cutting into the left side of my back and rolling around with a burning pain. (Does anybody know what you call a pain like that?) I think the way to explain this is to go into my last few days.
Thursday, I was under the assumption that I was going to have my classroom (former pantry, not big, no closets or cabinets) to myself. I got busy rearranging things since I was so miserable there last year/ (The window was on the other side of the room and the young lady that helped out and used that side of the room was one of those people who was generally cold--so no A/C or seasonal breezes for me in that ten pound back brace that I wore for 11 months--and may have to wear again. That left me with a lot of reorganization and I spent the morning moving some things I shouldn't have and lots of baskets of books, including the ones I had taken to church for the summer. My back was hurting and then in popped one of our Assistant Superintendents. He came to basically tell me that I was going to travel to another building and then to quiz me about my ability to climb stairs. (Five doctor notes from 3 different doctors over 6 years didn't clarify that nearly enough--and if I remember clearly, I had to have an evaluation from one of their doctors to confirm it as well.) He was blunt and a bit rude, waiting carefully to come into my room between the trips my son was making from his truck to deliver things. After he left, my boss who had refused to answer my question if I would be traveling told me that she felt that HE should be the one to tell me. (Why?) Then she proceeded to tell me that I had 2 aides that I would be in charge of and planning their assignments for--uh oh, I won't be in a room by myself.
So here I was, in a room that I had spent 4 hours arranging in a manner that was for me teaching in BY MYSELF. Now, it was possible that there could be 2 or 3 of us in there--it's a tiny room where I have been trying to house about 1/3 of my things. She also told me that my 50 some boxes of books on the stage had to be removed. I also received an email from my "big" boss, our Associate superintendent of curriculum telling me that I had until Monday's 2:00 meeting to have a schedule to show how I'd be teaching 50% of my day on Tuesday (for all of the reading teachers, not just me), Great trick since my boss doesn't seem to have the student test scores for me to select students from. OK, that means by Monday--after Friday being a day full of mandatory meetings, no time for working in our rooms--I had to rearrange my tiny room and have it ready for multiple people to teach in, clear 50 boxes off of the stage and unpack into 2 rooms, 1 room that I had never seen, set up a new classroom in another building of some unknown size and shape, and to create a schedule based on partial paperwork that turned out to be over half a year old and inappropriate.
With the help of 2 of my children, we did a lot of work this weekend--we sorted through at least half of the books on the stage and removed them. We also organized my room and it is almost finished. Then, I got my boss to come over and show me my "other" room in the other building and we moved appropriate boxes of leveled reading books there. That still leaves 1/3 to 1/2 of my boxes of teaching materials on the stage, my classroom ready to teach in with some things left to be done, things at my new room that I am currently sharing with the packed materials of the previous tenant, and 2 hours of wasted work on the wrong paperwork.
When I get to work today, I have to find the correct test scores and make decisions that affect 518 children in 21 classrooms, 2 reading aides and myself. I also have a second classroom to organize. Thirdly, I have to do the bulletin boards and wall displays--the environmental teaching in both rooms. Finally, I still have about 20 boxes that need to be removed from the stage and organized and possibly stored or sold or maybe I'll have a place for them. I JUST DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T KNOW HOW ANY HUMAN BEING CAN DO ALL OF THIS BEFORE THE 2:00 MEETING TO PROVE I AM READY TO TEACH ON TUESDAY (THE FIRST FULL DAY OF SCHOOL WHEN NONE OF THE CLASSROOM TEACHERS WILL WANT ME TO TAKE THEIR CHILDREN ANYWAY!!!) I really needed to say that, or shout that. It is not possible to do all of that, It isn't possible for anyone to do what I did over the weekend either.
Here's the rest of my story. On Thursday, I came home from work sometime after 7 and was in so much pain that I got in my chair and got an ice bag on my back, and was barely coherent. My husband waited on me hand and foot--brought me dinner that I don't remember eating but I did get it recorded. I woke up with a part of a bowl of ice cream, mostly melted in my lap and one hand in it around 2:30 AM. I hurt a lot, took my medicine and then, I suffered for about 2 hours and fell back asleep and almost didn't make it to work on time. I finally got to start on my classroom work at 3:30. but we had a parent night from 5:30 until 7:30/ I packed up and left and went to the pool at about 7:00. That helped a bit with my pain.
I slept off and on, using lots of pain control techniques until about 10 Saturday morning and ran errands and had a great, but sad lunch with my best friend. (She has some life changing things going on that make my life look easy right no and my love for her is struggling with having prayer to help and nothing that I can simply do to help out. It really is hard to watch a loved one suffer and her pain hurts me as much as the pain of my own children.) Anyway, I digress--I went to school after we had lunch and with the help of my 24 year old son and my 13 old daughter, we worked until about 8 PM--including over 2 hours of totally wasted work on the wrong paperwork.
I went back at it right after church on Sunday and about an hour and a half later, the same to of my kids joined me at 2:00. My pain level was growing by leaps and bounds so I took my meds. My kids brought me a shake and it was the first food that I had up until then. We went to the first classroom, then I called the principal and with a carload of things, we met her at the other building. I got the tour and my room and some keys--and we unloaded there. Then, we went back to the other school--and she was there then--and I called my husband and he brought the truck. They loaded it while I worked in the room. I was feeling so severely nauseated that I could barely stand. Every step I took with my left foot felt like I was stabbing myself in the back. The others came and helped me to put the remaining baskets away for the present time so we could go back to the new building and unload the truck full of books. It was weird because when we got there, she was there too--?? We unloaded things in an orderly fashion and by then, it was 6 PM. I promised the kids we would go swimming, but all of our regular haunts were closed by then. I was lousy miserable, but we went around and finally found a pool at a campground. I hobbled through the motions, but that pool was freezing. I got my exercises done and went to the spa. After that, i bought a soda and took more meds and went for a shower. As I left the shower, I found that I could barely walk and the pain was way beyond the Thursday level. I did the only thing I knew to do and cried and cried and we went home.
My husband had fixed one of our favorites for dinner--stir fry. I never ate a bite, I cried and considered an ER visit which still isn't out of the question. I cried and he got the ice and at about 10:30, I tried to walk again--I walked about 15 steps before the awful jabbing, cutting pain returned. My family was so tired that I got in my chair and have been here ever since. I had some soda and some cheese and crackers.
What happens next? Well, I still may be heading to a doc or the ER--but I have so much work to do and I can do this, if it is possible. I do believe that with God, all things are possible. I cannot live in this level of pain. so I guess that I am taking things one step at a time. I probably need to try to get up ad see if this rest has made a difference. Assuming it has, I need to make a plan that my work today will not involve anything physical--that can wait until Tuesday. I will find the correct student scores and start over in making decisions about student need so that I can get a picture of how to start a program for twice as many students in two buildings than I should be handling. I need to survive this week, including the rest of the boxes on the stage for next weekend most likely--or after school Tuesday or Wednesday--2 of my kids are going out of town this weekend in 2 different directions, 2 have special school events and a parade and it is one of their birthdays, This is a very busy week here.
If anyone can do all of this, I can. I am praying that my back will allow me to prove what I can do in spite of everything. I do, however, have some more praying to do. I almost prefer praying for others, but except for my dear friend who has made her tough decision, I may be the neediest person I know right at this second. That certainly doesn't feel very good.
I appreciate any support that my spark friends here give me. Thanks for listening to me whine as well. I am going to go, so take care of yourself and make sure to enjoy your blessings!
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