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EMMAEKAY's Recent Blog Entries
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Tuesday, July 24, 2012
My cupboards are BARE. And I mean bare. It's been two weeks since we've gone grocery shopping, and it'll be another 2 days before we can go shopping again, since C and I are on opposite shifts at the moment and he takes the car.
Even the cats are out of food! They're eating the leftover bag of junky purina kitten chow right now, which annoys them because they're used to getting the fish-rich, no filler premium stuff. The dog is okay on food, fortunately, because with her allergies and illnesses, her diet is srs bsns.
The humans of the house still have salmon, shrimp, chicken and hamburger in the freezer, whole wheat pasta, eggs, brown rice, peanut butter, jelly and bread so no one is going to starve or anything. However, the veggie situation is dire and the fruit situation is only slightly better. I have literally ... 2 cobs of corn in the freezer and a can of organic corn left in my house for veggies. I used the last of the tomatoes and sauce in a pasta last night, and the last of the salsa in chicken wraps the night before.
So, for the first time in probably 6 months... I'm not going to get my 5-9 servings of fruits/veggies. I have cherries to snack on and some bananas that are past their prime, and all-fruit jelly on my sandwich for lunch... so that'll give me 3 servings. And I guess I can have some corn with my dinner. But I'm dying for something green! Maybe I'll pop in to the fast food place on my walk home and buy a couple of side salads...
... In case you haven't figured it out, I live in a bit of a food desert. This is compounded by the fact that I don't drive. I have terrible panic attacks and have almighty freakouts behind the wheel. We're not really sure why, but it happens. I'm slowly trying to desensitize myself to it, get my license, and get on with my life. It's been a process for a few years. But for now, I don't drive and literally cannot even fathom doing so alone. As it is, C acts as my chauffeur. Surprisingly, he has never complained about this fact, not once, in 7 years.
Anyway, I think the side salad stop is going to have to happen. Then I'll cook some shrimp in garlic and toss a big salad for dinner.
Sometimes, success is only a rambling blog entry away! hahaha
Monday, July 23, 2012
Sometimes, math can be misleading. Math and weight loss should be best buds, right? Just take your BMR x (a figure based on exercise level) - 500 calories per day to lose one pound a week. Then, add another pound burned through exercise (3500 to 4000 calories per week) and you should be losing 2 pounds per week.
It's simple mathematics.
So... why doesn't it ever work out like that? hahaha
Last week, I had a calorie deficit of 5700 and burned 3400 calories through exercise. So, this morning when I weighed in, I should have lost about 2.5 pounds, riiiiiiight? Well, I lost one pound. Still great! Still losing! Still not gaining!
But it doesn't make any sense. Whatsoever. I don't get it.
Most likely, my BMR is different than the formula thinks it should be. It's probably much lower - the calculator says that in order to maintain my weight if I did nothing but sleep, I would need 1930 calories. Then, because I consider myself "lightly active" with my walks and biking, and light ST, I multiply that figure by 1.32 to get 2550 - the number of calories I would need to consume if I wanted to maintain my current weight of 244. I don't - so, I need to create a deficit.
You're not supposed to cut more than 1000 calories below your maintenance level, or so the internet tells me. I'd like to cut at least 750, though. So, mathematically, that leaves me with a range of 1550 to 1800 calories. This is the range I ate in all last week.
My Spark range is 1640 to 2020. That seems high to me, based on the above mathematics. Is that the reason I'm not losing at the pace I want to be? Probably not! I usually eat between 1550 and 1800 calories, regardless of what my Spark range is, and use the ranges to figure out what I need in carbs/protein/fat and etc.
I'm just feeling a little disenfranchised with this entire process this morning. I like things to make neat and tidy, orderly sense and this 'losing weight' thing just plain doesn't. I wish it were as simple as everyone seems to think it is. "Eat less and do more!" siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
One of my Sparkfriends threw in the towel today, as well. They'd been on the decline for quite some time and financial stuff happened and eliminated the internet for them. Without the accountability and support of SP, she's going to stop. It's so frustrating to watch people give up, but it was even more frustrating to listen to this person ask for help and advice... but then turn right around and eat two cheeseburgers and a full sugar soda, to refuse to use the tracker, and then to berate and belittle themselves when they binge.
I guess it's one thing to want to lose weight, and another thing entirely to want to change your life. But when you're at the point of 100+ pounds to lose, those two concepts can no longer be mutually exclusive. In order to lose weight, you have to change your life.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Well, I've discovered that it is now harder for me to SKIP exercising than it is to START exercising. Despite the injured ankle, I've had a very successful last few days.
Thursday was the day I really expected challenges. I expected it to be very drinky and snacky, but I only had a bit of popcorn and a little candy - no alcohol at all! There was even a Batman cosplayer there! hahaha
Cinema is one of my very favorite passtimes, and Thursday combined it with Batman - my all-time favorite superhero. The absolute ultimate hero. And the Nolan movies have paid great respect to the comic books I loved so much as a child.
(Post Script Warning: there be sadness here! Sorry to be a bummer.)
Batman was a huge source of strength to me as a child. Dad always let me read anything and everything I wanted, from Sherlock Holmes and the Golden Age Batman comics to Stephen King and the very gritty and violent Knightfall arc of Batman comics. It was Bruce Wayne, though, that helped me through the scariest things. My parents divorced when I was six, and I was taken from my daycare by my mother and her boyfriend when I was seven.
The next two years were very hard indeed. I suffered a lot of abuse, mental and physical, from my mother and her boyfriend. I was hospitalized twice because of it. But my little sister was never, ever touched. Not once. Why? Because I remembered Batman. I remembered, more specifically, Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson. I remembered that even when we're suffering, we still have a responsibility to protect those who are smaller and weaker still. So whenever Shaina did something "bad," I did something worse. I broke vases, windows - kicked punched and screamed! Anything to draw their fire away from her.
I was willing to be Batman, in a way.
And it was Batman that got me out, in a way. It was Batman that taught me to be resourceful, to research and think! I found my dad listed in a library phone book and called him from a payphone. And a month later, I was able to tell my dad in person what had been happening to me. And I never, ever had to go back after that.
So, Batman is a pretty big deal to me. And whenever I've found myself scared or alone, or in pain, he is one of the things I think about. All the lessons he's taught me. That you don't have to be what you were born, or conditioned to be - that you can choose to be more.
Originally, this blog was going to be about how I was able to come in range at the movies and did full cardio Thursday and Friday, and Pilates this morning. But, I guess I ended up sharing some very nerdiness indeed! ANYWAY! I had a wonderful time and the past few days have been successful and educational. And The Dark Knight Rises was a great film!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Man, I am still just boiling with pissiness about my ankle. I couldn't do any work yesterday. I really feel like this was a huge set back and it happens JUST when I was gaining ground.
I kind of felt like a bump yesterday. I went home from work early, took some Advil and wrapped my ankle up. My friends came over when they heard I got hurt, instead of all of us going to walk the outdoor mall. We played video games and had snacks.
I ate half a sleeve of baguette chips before I even realized it. 260 calories, just vacuumed into my face. Not okay. I made dinner and had a half portion of everything, and that kept me in my ranges for the day, but I was still quite upset about my poor eating choices for the day.
Today promises to be a challenge as well. We've all got tickets for The Dark Knight Rises midnight premier tonight, and we're planning to make an evening of it - dinner out, standing in line, seeing the film, and then drinks afterward to discuss. Normally, I would have put in extra time on my bike to counter balance all the carbs (popcorn, beer, chinese food) but with my ankle being f*&$ed, I don't know how much cardio I'm going to be able to do.
I've got it wrapped and in a brace, and I'm going to take my walk home from work today. It's not broken anywhere, just bruised and inflamed... so if I'm feeling okay when I get home from my walk, I'm going to try to get in at least a 50% cardio workout and then do a good long ST session.
Either way, I've been planning this movie premier for over 6 months. I'm going to go, I'm going to enjoy myself and I'm going to try hard not to regret it or beat myself up about lost ground. I'm going to indulge SENSIBLY. Life is long and I have time! Even if I don't lose these 11 pounds before August 20, I will still be able to tell my family that I've lost 60-something pounds and I'm not done yet!
Thanks for letting me vent, guys... I feel a lot better.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
The cleaning people at work must've spilled a full mop bucket of water on the carpet that meets up with the tile floor of our breakroom, because there's a huge water stain on the floor.
Of course, despite it's hugeness and obviousness, I didn't notice it.
Also of course, the water leeched out onto the linoleum.
And a third of course, I slipped and fell on that water.
Wrenched my ankle, banged my head and made myself look like a graceless fool. Had to fill out an accident report and my ankle is absolutely KILLING me now.
Pretty friggin' furious with the cleaning people here - not for the pain portion as much as the fact that I'm not going to be able to walk or ride my bike at any meaningful intensity for the next few days.
ARGH.
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