EMMAEKAY   18,322
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Grown-up Problems

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Man, today I am having some Grown Up Problems™. And they suck!

I'm not super ready to talk about it with my actual, legit friends and family. I don't know why. I guess because I'm more accountable to them, and the decisions I make will effect them more seriously, and blah blah blah. Maybe I'm just a weenie.

I'm gonna talk about it here because this has been my "safe place" for the last year and a piece. And you guys are great, and have nothing to lose no matter what I do!

And you know, it's not even that big a deal.

I'm considering a new job. But I absolutely LOVE this job, and the people I work with, and the non-monetary perks of internet access and a very free dress code. It's close, it's fun, and I'm a leader here.

But I don't make any freaking money. I just don't. My income barely cracks the poverty line. When we add C's income, it's all good. But I'm not making enough to be happy with my station - I'm not making enough to get out of the "renter's hole."

There are a couple great positions available outside the company that I'm really interested in. One is with the city's school system as an administrator's assistant. The other is with a community development center as a resource liaison - helping people get out of homelessness, poverty and the like. Both are things I could excel at. Both are things that appeal to me, and that I am perfectly suited to. Both are an equidistant commute.

But I would have to leave the paper. And I love the paper. And I'd have to start again, at the bottom. And what if the people are horrible? What if I don't fit in? Is it worth the additional income (+3 - 5 dollars an hour) to leave a place where I am needed, valued and trusted?

The other issue is that the newspaper is rather a sinking ship. I feel strongly that my position is going to be downsized within the next couple years. These awesome positions are available now - who knows what will be out there when the time comes?

Obviously, I'm torn. I love this job and this industry, but it's not growing and it's not helping me meet my own personal goals. At what point do I leave?

AUGH.

I dunno. I guess I could update my resume and apply for this stuff, and deal with the decision after getting a job offer.

In other, less angsty, news, I'm training for my first 5K. Started C25K yesterday, and THAT was an adventure. I honestly didn't think I could do it, but you know what - I freakin' DID! And I'm gonna do it again tomorrow, baby. Right now ye olde training schedule looks thusly:

Monday: Walk 15 minutes, 60 minutes Zumba
Tuesday: Walk 15 minutes, 30 minutes C25K, 15 minutes ST
Wednesday: Walk 15 minutes, 60 minutes Zumba
Thursday: Walk 15 minutes, 30 minutes C25K, 15 minutes ST
Friday: Walk 15 minutes, 30 minutes C25K, 15 minutes ST
Saturday: Full rest
Sunday: ST Only

I'm really still hustlin' hard, and I almost, allllllllllmost have a little definition happening in my abs, which is hilarious. My eating needs a reality check, though. I'm trying hard to get back to basics and get away from the snacking I've been doing. Little stuff like adding hot cocoa and cream to my coffee, half a candy bar here and there, a bowl of cereal before bed, chips and crap is really sneaking back into my diet and I have to put the brakes on that sht.

Training for a race is going to help with my focus, I think. Someone approached me about trying the AdvoCare 24-day challenge the other day, and ... horrifyingly, I almost went for it. Thank god I'm a cheapskate, and it cost well over $250 for the month's worth of supplements and blah blah blah. I'm kind of still thinking about getting a supplement they call Catalyst which has a bunch of long chain protein-y things to help you maintain muscle mass? I don't know that I really need it though.

Basically, all their supplements boiled down to various stimulants. Which I'm just not interested in. I have never wanted to do this with shakes, pills or surgery and I don't have to. The cool thing about life is that there's no deadline! I could die tomorrow, or in 80 years - as long as I keep on a positive path and live every day the hardest I can... I've accomplished plenty.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FIFIFRIZZLE 7/18/2013 3:06PM

    When you apply for a job you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. So what have y got to lose? You brush up your CV, research those potential workplaces, interview with them, find the answers to your questions, then maybe you are offered the jobs.
And that's when you decide.
Hope this helps.

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ICANDY0000001 7/18/2013 7:54AM

    What happened next? I just found your blog and you are an inspiration! When it stops so suddenly it makes me fearful that something dreadful happened to you.. I just love stories about real people who have total success in one area of their life but still battle in other areas. It is so alive!

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CHERYLHURT 7/18/2013 7:37AM

  Make the move! Get a new position, one with long term benefits and growth potential, like the school assistant, then leave the paper. Our paper is closing after 150 years so you are smart to notice you may have your position cut. Then tell us how it all turned out!

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HAPPYERIN 5/14/2013 9:31AM

    Hi chicky!

First off, I commend you for looking outside your current job. I can relate to your situation a bit -- Andy used to work for a weekly paper, and he really liked his job -- he was actually the editor, writer, photographer, layout designer, etc. It was fun and he had flexibility, responsibility, low-key dress code, just like what you said. But you're right, there is NO money in paper, and that was the reason he completely switched careers and started selling cars, which is better pay and he still likes his job. (Incidentally, the paper he worked for shut down a year after he left!)

Change is hard, but why not apply for the jobs anyway? What do you have to lose? You have a secure job right now, and who knows -- you may or may not get an interview, and then you only have a decision to make if you get a job offer. Andy just started a new job last week and faced again a lot of the decisions you are talking about (he'd been at the other dealership for five years), and I told him the same thing -- nothing to lose! Both jobs sound interesting, and I bet you would be great at them.

Also, HOORAY for the 5K! That's awesome! And the same for those abs too -- you are incredible!

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MEGYSU 5/13/2013 12:08PM

    I think you're on the right track. It never hurts to apply. Then if you don't get an interview, you'll know it wasn't meant to be - and if you do get an interview, you can get more information as to whether or not you would want to work there.

I applaud your dedication and positivity. You are always an inspiration!

Comment edited on: 5/13/2013 12:16:01 PM

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NEWSGIRL2177 5/8/2013 3:12PM

    It doesn't hurt to apply and get more info so you can make an informed decision. I do the "what if" thing a lot with big changes, but it works both ways. What if it sucks? What if it's amazingly awesome? What if you hate it? What if you love it more than you thought possible? Only one way to find out....

Also, coming from a newspaper background, it was my passion and I still miss it every day. BUT, the instability and lack of opportunities made me look elsewhere. That industry is changing, good and bad. There are opportunities for some things, but you have to do some soul searching to decide whether it's worth the risk of staying.

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ROBBIEY 5/8/2013 2:08PM

  Change in any form is hard to conceive.
There is always a what if

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Regrouping

Monday, April 15, 2013

Ever since March 27th, I've been in kind of a weird... foggy rush? There's so much to fight and so little time to get things done. Our hope waxes and wanes with each new development, and it's so ungodly exhausting to constantly think, "Today! Today's the day we see our baby again!"

And so far, it hasn't been.

Sometimes, I wonder if it ever will be.

Jeremiah had his paternity test done last week, and we got the verbal results on Friday - which are, of course, positive. Jeremiah IS without a doubt, Lily's father. Which is great! But which means nothing... even though we thought it meant everything! Barf.

It means nothing because it was a "verbal result." We now have to wait days for the notarized results with a DNA chain of custody to come out - proving that no one contaminated or tampered with the samples. Then, we have to provide that to the lawyer and wait for that week's family court to convene. Family court is on Wednesdays, which means that if we don't get the notarized results today or tomorrow, we have to wait another week.

Double barf.

I'm starting to understand why so many men just... give up. The system is stacked against him and even with a lawyer and science and family behind him, it's still an uphill battle against the state and the woman who lost his child to them.

Obviously, I'm frustrated.

I've been eating stupidly and skipping exercise because I'm so worn down or run ragged from all this. It's, plainly, been easier to eat something out of a box or from a bag when I've worked 9 hours, driven to Omaha to help Jeremiah with some legal form or house exam or daycare deposit or interview or court date, or taxes, then driven back home.

I actually skipped last Wednesday's Zumba for the first time since I started. That's partially because I was wiped out, and partially because the gym is closing and I'm bummed out about losing my Zumba spot. There are other locations in town, but this class was so comfortable and the people are so lovely and the teacher is EXACTLY what I needed... and they're closing.


And then last night, I realized:

Hey - you're wiped out because you're eating like GARBAGE.
Hey - you skipped Zumba even though it's the most fun you have all week!
Hey - Get it together.

I decided I'm going to use the tracker as a meal planner for the week, so that I know exactly what to thaw or grab when I leave for work. And I've decided that I'm going to go to Zumba both days this week without question. And I've decided to just breathe, to let things happen and try my best to keep my head on straight as far as my OWN life before trying to help Jeremiah with his.

I've also decided to lose another 15 lbs before I buy my swimsuit this year. I tried some on and I'm not diggin' the fit quite yet. Refocusing on my planning and nutrition will also help me feel like SOMETHING is making positive progress again, and that will help me mentally as well.

Basically, I'm just getting back into gear and out of mopes-ville.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPYERIN 4/17/2013 5:02PM

    Emma, you are one of the people on this site that inspires me the most, and it's not just because of the kick**s job you've done with your health. You are such a caring and giving person and have dealt with many tough blows and proven just how strong you truly are, and I admire that about you so much. And here you are again, taking a step back to refocus on what you need to do. You are a wonder.

Sending HUGE mental hugs your way! I hope your brother gets some good news soon and you can be a happy family again.



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NEWSGIRL2177 4/15/2013 5:47PM

    What a frustrating situation. I hope there's a positive resolution for you all very soon. Crossing my fingers for you!

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A Little Help?

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Hey guys -

Please go check out this "note" I put up on Facebook for more information on our current struggle with Lily's custody. I am still embroiled in a battle with the state and the mother to try to get Lily out of the state's custody.

PLUS! It has a bunch of really adorable pictures of my awesome niece.

www.facebook.com/notes/madonna-kilpa
trick/help-me-bring-lily-home/10151558
004575560

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEMCC45 4/4/2013 9:19AM

    Heart. Breaking.

Big hugs and love to you and your whole family.

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HUGE news - draaaaaamaaaaa.

Friday, March 29, 2013

If you've been my buddy for a while, you know that my big brother has had some custody issues dealing with his daughter, Lily.

In November, he discovered that his ex was cheating on him. They had an argument that ended in this woman throwing him down the stairs in front of their child. Cops were called, the woman was escorted off the property. Jeremiah took Lily and left the home because he didn't want Lily around that kind of violence.

Meanwhile, this woman went to a women's shelter and said that Jeremiah hurt her and threatened to kill himself and Lily. This was an outright lie. She also said he threw away her clothes and personal items - that was true. He tossed all her stuff out onto the lawn for her to pick up after discovering that she had been sleeping with his best friend over the previous six months.

Jeremiah had, a month previous to this, a nightmare in which he hurt Lily. He was horrified, woke up and talked to this woman about it - like anyone would do! You have a bad dream, you tell your partner about it.

She used that dream to get a restraining order against him, and the court applied that order to cover Lily as well. The last time we saw Lily was November 22.

Today, Jeremiah received a call from the state saying that Lily was removed from that woman's care two days ago. Lily is now a ward of the state. We aren't super sure what happened, but we do know that Lily is injured - she has bruises on her thigh and a black eye.

Lily is TWO YEARS OLD.

We're trying our butts off right now to get her out of state care and either home with Jeremiah or released to my sister or myself. My brother has a lawyer engaged and I'm trying to get somewhere- anywhere- with social service. Everything looks good for getting custody back, but there're a lot of legal loopholes to go through here and we just want it done this weekend - today! This is the closest we've been to "hope" for this situation in months.

Please pray, cross your fingers, send me good vibes. Lily has been through enough living with her mother - she does not need to be with strangers, she needs to be with her family and we need to be with her.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPYERIN 4/2/2013 10:23AM

    I'm coming to this late, but I hope you got some good news! That is absolutely horrible. I cannot imagine someone would hit a child like that. I'm glad they took her away from this woman, but it is so unfortunate that they did not reach out to family first before placing her in custody.

My heart goes out to you and your family. Hoping for the best as quickly as possible!!

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GRACEMCC45 4/1/2013 9:56AM

    I hope the weekend has done what you needed for this Emma - I can't imagine how you are all feeling.

Sending big juju and love to your family, especially for Jeremiah and Lily to reunite soon!

emoticon

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NEWSGIRL2177 3/29/2013 8:48PM

    Crossing my fingers for all of you.

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BECOMING_HOLLY 3/29/2013 4:29PM

    I am so sorry to hear of this!! Here's praying that Lily will be with your family soon!

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ADARKARA 3/29/2013 3:35PM

    I really hope Lily gets back to her daddy soon. Those hoops are set extra high for fathers. I will keep them in my thoughts.

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DAUGHTEROFTWIN 3/29/2013 3:00PM

    I am so very sorry! You, Jeremiah and Lily are in my thoughts and prayers.

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I wasn't going to update...

Monday, March 25, 2013

...because this isn't the photoblog I keep talking about. I feel bad about not making it yet, but I've honestly just been brutalized by work over the last 10 days. My co-workers mother did die on Saturday, so she will be completely out of the office until next week. So that's her work + my work, and THEN we had another two people call out sick today, which means + 2-4 more job duties until they return. My head may honestly start spinning.

I actually worked through part of the weekend, and when I wasn't working I was at home, gaming it up! We bought a WiiU and I am way in love.

I do want to give a quicky rundown of my life for the week, because I hate to leave you all hanging...

I pretty much just rested last week. I did both of my Zumba classes, Monday and Wednesday, but I didn't ride my bike at all. The chest cold I had + the work load I've still got = major suckage. I needed the rest, I think. So instead of the planned fitness minutes, I only did 240. Not bad, but not standard.

This week, I'm right back on it! I have my two Zumbas planned and then my walks + bike time. I've pretty much kicked the cold and now I'm ready to rock.

I lost some inches over the last month, too! An inch off my waist, half an inch off my thighs, and an inch off my hips - PLUS! Another half inch off my bicep. Flying squirrel arms are about to be a thing of the past, baby!

Have an awesome week - I'll be in touch again soon!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRADMILL2922 3/26/2013 11:37PM

    Congrats on losing the inches! Sounds like the Zumba is going well! Hope the work load gets a little better for you sooner than later.

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DAUGHTEROFTWIN 3/25/2013 11:33PM

    Holy cow Em!!! That is fantastic progress! It's like we can sit and watch you shrink. Time to throw the scale out the window. You rock.

I hope the work load improves soon. That stinks!

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NEWSGIRL2177 3/25/2013 2:40PM

    Losing inches rules! I always forget that until I'm surprised by the numbers.

I hope you're feeling better and I hope you get some relief at work soon. Hang in there!

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GRACEMCC45 3/25/2013 2:32PM

    Awesome about the inches lost!

Dang, you need to clone yourself for work sounds like - hope you get some help there!

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