Saturday, March 08, 2014
My healthy living routines have bipolar disorder. ups and downs. I've been in down mode for about 3 months now--and I'm sick of the guilt! I go really well for a few months, then SOMETHING happens. So I might reach my goal in some year in the far future. In a galaxy far, far, far away. (just a little humor) But I never give up!
Healthy living has become an ingrained part of my life. When I'm doing it right, I lose weight, inches, and gain a huge sense of self-confidence and pride. When I'm down, I feel guilt.
Why is it so incredibly hard to start up again???
Thursday, February 06, 2014
Some very special friends gave me a pep talk and a kick in the butt today! Sometimes the answer is so simple, but I can't see it. As we say in the South, "If it would have been a snake, it would've bit me!"
The answer? Spark in the evening.
In the past, I always sparked in the morning. Now, due to several things I won't mention because it's really not important---I find it difficult to settle down at the computer in the morning. I was trying to make myself, but...I didn't and I continued feeling horrible, not doing the program, and gaining weight. As I related all of this to my friends, someone said--"Spark in the evening!" To me, it was so profound! The absolute worst time of the day for me and cravings is after dark, which is early here. We had decided that I eat because I'm bored. Sparking in the evening keeps me busy, keeps all the ideas and motivation in my face when I need it most!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
It's funny how I can be at such a good place and suddenly lose it without knowing why. Why did I stop tracking my food? Why this and why that? I was loving everything about sparkpeople, but suddenly I stopped sparking altogether. Now I just can't seem to get back where I was. The thought of spending so much time at the computer is daunting. How did I do it for all that time?
I feel adrift.
For about 6 weeks, I totally got off program. No tracking, no exercise, eating everything in sight, no sparking. I felt guilty the whole time, but not enough, I guess. Now I've been slowly pulling myself back into the program I loved, but it's all different this time. Why? I liked things the way they were.
I've changed. My life has had minor changes and they've changed everything else! Nope. I don't like it. I yearn for the old days of tracking and sparking. Well, I'm back to tracking and sparking, but in a different way. Can I love this new and different thing?
What's so bad about this new stuff?
1. I'm being inconsistent with measuring and tracking my food. In the past, I think I went a little crazy with the tracking. I "ruled" myself to death! I rarely ate food others prepared because I didn't know the calorie content and when I did, I felt guilty. So can I learn to be ok with inconsistency? That's a hard one for me. I'm an all-or-none kind of person. I feel like a fence-rider.
2. I miss the teams and message boards I participated in. There's only one cure for that, Emily!
I'm using this blog as my journal today. I've thought, typed, deleted. I'm trying to figure this out.
I WAS able to name 2 sources of my discomfort. that's a start.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
This year was no different from others in the past. After the frantic activity level of the holidays, I usually slip into depression for a couple of months. I hate February! From thanksgiving through New Year, I went totally off my plan and routines. I gained 12 pounds. And that's low-balling it. I baked more this year and ate more. I stopped exercising completely. Being new to outdoor fitness, I just couldn't bear the unusually cold weather we've had. But now----
I've made this year different by getting my senses back sooner this time! I've been gradually cutting back on sugar for a couple of weeks. I've eaten healthy, but large portions. Finally the last 2 days I have watched my portions and drank my water. Mentally, I feel so much better!
I re-joined the gym this week. If I have a class time and have paid the money, I'm going to use it! I went to yoga yesterday and thought I was taking it easy. Today I'm going to aerobics. It feels good to just get out of the house early. It starts my day off better than hibernating and watching "House." I've watched 3 whole seasons in the past few weeks and finished the series. That's a lot of couch time!
I am finally starting my RN to BSN program. The choir is gearing up for an Easter cantata. I have activity in my life again!
Now that I've re-started everything again, the world is once again a happy, productive place!
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Emotional eating is the reason I gained so much weight. Even though I have made great accomplishments in weight loss and fitness, I'm still an emotional eater. I still struggle every day with this enemy. Will I ever overcome???
I have definitely improved. Healthy eating has become my normal, so I no longer eat ice cream for every meal! Wow! I can't believe I ever did that!
The holidays seem to be my downfall for several reasons.
1. There are foods available at this time of year that are absent from store shelves the rest of the year--like Little Debbie Christmas cakes. There is nothing else exactly like them. I've looked. So I'm safe most of the year.
2. As my children have grown up and started their own lives, the holidays are becoming more and more a time I dread. Yes, I comfort myself with sweets.
3. My mother causes me great distress all of the time. Her lack of affection/warmth, disapproval, favoritism to some, and lack of socialization seem to be amplified during the holidays. I crave sweets when I'm hurt or angry.
4. My daughter who is away at college seems to have something that prevents her from visiting for more than a few days at every school break. This year's Christmas excuse is lame. They are ALL lame, but this year, it's especially so. She won't be home until Christmas Eve. We have a wonderful relationship and I miss her terribly. I look so forward to her visits, but I refuse to use guilt as a weapon against her. Again, I find comfort in food.
I've read so many articles and made so many strategies over the last 2 years on this subject. I have been in therapy for several years and have grown tremendously emotionally. I've learned to deal with things, accept things, and change things through my actions.
Nothing I've learned helps much with emotional eating. So this month, I have accepted the fact that I am off my "diet" and will probably gain a few pounds before January rolls around.
Lately, I seem to be all about surrender. There are things I have fought for so long. I'm tired and need a break. So I'm taking one. And trying to not feel guilty. I am surrendering in the war against emotional issues. I have changed myself and my reactions, but the battles still wage on. I have not found a way to end the war. So I surrender.
After the holidays are over and expectations are met nor not, I know I will feel stronger. In January, I will re-commit to my weight loss and fitness goals. I will accept the weight I gained and get it back off. I will get "on a roll" and lose even past the weight that I had at Thanksgiving. This is the year I will achieve my goal weight.
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