EMILY0724   46,127
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EMILY0724's Recent Blog Entries

My Spark has Bi-polar Disorder

Saturday, March 08, 2014

My healthy living routines have bipolar disorder. ups and downs. I've been in down mode for about 3 months now--and I'm sick of the guilt! I go really well for a few months, then SOMETHING happens. So I might reach my goal in some year in the far future. In a galaxy far, far, far away. (just a little humor) But I never give up!

Healthy living has become an ingrained part of my life. When I'm doing it right, I lose weight, inches, and gain a huge sense of self-confidence and pride. When I'm down, I feel guilt.

Why is it so incredibly hard to start up again???





  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WORKOUTWITHPAM 3/8/2014 9:12PM

    Something that I read here on SparkPeople:

"When you get tired of 'starting over,' STOP QUITTING!"

Something I experienced in real life many years ago:

"I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and I have never had to 'start over' again!"

I started over quite a few times without success, and yes, the guilt was there, but it was like one day, I WOKE UP, and I asked myself, "Why am I doing this to myself?" "Why won't I let myself be happy?" Something 'clicked' in my head, and I've been much kinder to myself since that time, and that was many years ago. Ask yourself those same questions, and see what you come up with for an answer.

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HUGS
Pam

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KASEYCOFF 3/8/2014 2:20PM

    You got that right about the ups and downs - stress? anxiety? I need some ice cream. Happy news? Celebration? I need some ice cream. LOL! I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. Stumbles and falls along the way, but... any progress is good progress, IMHO.
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ONEKIDSMOM 3/8/2014 11:06AM

    Welcome to the Turtles Over 50 Reaching Our Goals team, and a great blog on the day, too! The why it is so hard to start? I don't know. I do know the hardest steps of a run are the ones to get yourself out the door to do it! emoticon emoticon

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KITT52 3/8/2014 11:02AM

    maybe you should think of it as not starting again and think of it as what wonderful things can I do for Emily today...make small changes....
think about how good you feel when you are on track and stop dwelling about the guilt....

and know we are here for you...we all struggle ...HUGS

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THINFITFEMINIST 3/8/2014 10:24AM

    we can only handle a minute amount of good. Also when we are ready to expand the first thing is to let go of the crap.

I keep telling you you are far more capable than you let on to be.

glad you posted today.

time perhaps to take the red pill?

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SLIMMERJESSE 3/8/2014 9:54AM

    Great blog! And soooo true.

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The Solution was so Simple

Thursday, February 06, 2014

Some very special friends gave me a pep talk and a kick in the butt today! Sometimes the answer is so simple, but I can't see it. As we say in the South, "If it would have been a snake, it would've bit me!"

The answer? Spark in the evening.

In the past, I always sparked in the morning. Now, due to several things I won't mention because it's really not important---I find it difficult to settle down at the computer in the morning. I was trying to make myself, but...I didn't and I continued feeling horrible, not doing the program, and gaining weight. As I related all of this to my friends, someone said--"Spark in the evening!" To me, it was so profound! The absolute worst time of the day for me and cravings is after dark, which is early here. We had decided that I eat because I'm bored. Sparking in the evening keeps me busy, keeps all the ideas and motivation in my face when I need it most!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LECATES 2/7/2014 8:32AM

    Good advice!

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THINFITFEMINIST 2/7/2014 6:39AM

    Sometimes the easiest answers avoid our detection. So happy the friend said this to you.

Now, perhaps we'll see you here more often. I've missed you.

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GRANNY2B2 2/7/2014 12:30AM

    emoticon

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STEVEN_D 2/6/2014 9:28PM

    The answer is simple, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Make some noise!!


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WORKOUTWITHPAM 2/6/2014 9:21PM

    I spend most of my time on here in the evenings, too. I pop in here in the mornings just to see if anything really important has come in, but I usually do the majority of Spark things in the late evening hours. I am here a little earlier this evening because my evening class was canceled.

There has been no classes for me at your gym. No power at my house, plus all of the trees and limbs falling on the roads. It snowed here this afternoon, so I don't know about tomorrow. I am at the bottom of the hill, but my son is driving home now, and he may say the driveway is clear enough to park in the garage. It has been a bummer week with the power outages, and then the snow this evening. There was not much snow, but of course it doesn't take much snow around here to keep everyone inside.

If you are planning on coming to the gym, call first to make sure I am having the class. I don't know yet, but I will know early in the morning.

Have a great day!

HUGS
Pam

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Totally Rambling

Thursday, January 30, 2014

It's funny how I can be at such a good place and suddenly lose it without knowing why. Why did I stop tracking my food? Why this and why that? I was loving everything about sparkpeople, but suddenly I stopped sparking altogether. Now I just can't seem to get back where I was. The thought of spending so much time at the computer is daunting. How did I do it for all that time?

I feel adrift.

For about 6 weeks, I totally got off program. No tracking, no exercise, eating everything in sight, no sparking. I felt guilty the whole time, but not enough, I guess. Now I've been slowly pulling myself back into the program I loved, but it's all different this time. Why? I liked things the way they were.

I've changed. My life has had minor changes and they've changed everything else! Nope. I don't like it. I yearn for the old days of tracking and sparking. Well, I'm back to tracking and sparking, but in a different way. Can I love this new and different thing?

What's so bad about this new stuff?
1. I'm being inconsistent with measuring and tracking my food. In the past, I think I went a little crazy with the tracking. I "ruled" myself to death! I rarely ate food others prepared because I didn't know the calorie content and when I did, I felt guilty. So can I learn to be ok with inconsistency? That's a hard one for me. I'm an all-or-none kind of person. I feel like a fence-rider.

2. I miss the teams and message boards I participated in. There's only one cure for that, Emily!

I'm using this blog as my journal today. I've thought, typed, deleted. I'm trying to figure this out.
I WAS able to name 2 sources of my discomfort. that's a start.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINFITFEMINIST 1/30/2014 8:44PM

    I have truly missed you. That isn't to make you feel guiltier, it is meant to tell you you make a difference.

You'll work it out and it will be your program that works in your life.

Hugs

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Finally!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

This year was no different from others in the past. After the frantic activity level of the holidays, I usually slip into depression for a couple of months. I hate February! From thanksgiving through New Year, I went totally off my plan and routines. I gained 12 pounds. And that's low-balling it. I baked more this year and ate more. I stopped exercising completely. Being new to outdoor fitness, I just couldn't bear the unusually cold weather we've had. But now----

I've made this year different by getting my senses back sooner this time! I've been gradually cutting back on sugar for a couple of weeks. I've eaten healthy, but large portions. Finally the last 2 days I have watched my portions and drank my water. Mentally, I feel so much better!

I re-joined the gym this week. If I have a class time and have paid the money, I'm going to use it! I went to yoga yesterday and thought I was taking it easy. Today I'm going to aerobics. It feels good to just get out of the house early. It starts my day off better than hibernating and watching "House." I've watched 3 whole seasons in the past few weeks and finished the series. That's a lot of couch time!

I am finally starting my RN to BSN program. The choir is gearing up for an Easter cantata. I have activity in my life again!

Now that I've re-started everything again, the world is once again a happy, productive place!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMLOCOLINDA 1/23/2014 5:07AM

    emoticon Glad you're back on track!!

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ONTHEPATH2 1/22/2014 4:19PM

    Welcome back!!! You can do it!!!!! emoticon

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THINFITFEMINIST 1/22/2014 11:09AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SLIMMERJESSE 1/22/2014 8:53AM

    Good for you! Have fun.

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 1/22/2014 8:50AM

    emoticon I'll see ya there!

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HUGS
Pam

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I am Powerless and I Surrender (Temporarily)

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Emotional eating is the reason I gained so much weight. Even though I have made great accomplishments in weight loss and fitness, I'm still an emotional eater. I still struggle every day with this enemy. Will I ever overcome???

I have definitely improved. Healthy eating has become my normal, so I no longer eat ice cream for every meal! Wow! I can't believe I ever did that!

The holidays seem to be my downfall for several reasons.

1. There are foods available at this time of year that are absent from store shelves the rest of the year--like Little Debbie Christmas cakes. There is nothing else exactly like them. I've looked. So I'm safe most of the year.

2. As my children have grown up and started their own lives, the holidays are becoming more and more a time I dread. Yes, I comfort myself with sweets.

3. My mother causes me great distress all of the time. Her lack of affection/warmth, disapproval, favoritism to some, and lack of socialization seem to be amplified during the holidays. I crave sweets when I'm hurt or angry.

4. My daughter who is away at college seems to have something that prevents her from visiting for more than a few days at every school break. This year's Christmas excuse is lame. They are ALL lame, but this year, it's especially so. She won't be home until Christmas Eve. We have a wonderful relationship and I miss her terribly. I look so forward to her visits, but I refuse to use guilt as a weapon against her. Again, I find comfort in food.

I've read so many articles and made so many strategies over the last 2 years on this subject. I have been in therapy for several years and have grown tremendously emotionally. I've learned to deal with things, accept things, and change things through my actions.

Nothing I've learned helps much with emotional eating. So this month, I have accepted the fact that I am off my "diet" and will probably gain a few pounds before January rolls around.

Lately, I seem to be all about surrender. There are things I have fought for so long. I'm tired and need a break. So I'm taking one. And trying to not feel guilty. I am surrendering in the war against emotional issues. I have changed myself and my reactions, but the battles still wage on. I have not found a way to end the war. So I surrender.

After the holidays are over and expectations are met nor not, I know I will feel stronger. In January, I will re-commit to my weight loss and fitness goals. I will accept the weight I gained and get it back off. I will get "on a roll" and lose even past the weight that I had at Thanksgiving. This is the year I will achieve my goal weight.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WORKOUTWITHPAM 12/14/2013 6:25PM

    This is a hard time of year (weight wise) for many. There are so many great looking (and tasting) foods to eat, and so many occasions to indulge in these 'great looking and great tasting' foods. Also, it is often a time of loneliness for many, PLUS a time of being BUSY, REAL BUSY! In addition, this damp, dark, and dreary weather doesn't help much either.

All of this combined is the perfect 'setting' for Emotional Eating. The occasions are happy times, when we want to eat the good foods being served. Everyone else is doing it, and it is fun enjoying good foods with family and friends. However, it is 'later' that the emotional eating may occur because we feel GUILT for celebrating and enjoying perhaps a little too much of the party foods. Once we become aware of WHY we are eating our emotions, it is easier to control the urge. If we can learn to address the REAL emotion, then we can learn to control emotional eating.

When you know you aren't hungry, but you feel starved for something, ask yourself, "What do I really feel?" Is it guilt, loneliness, boredom, sadness, anger, or even happiness? Yes, being HAPPY can also bring on emotional eating. Then try to address the REAL emotion that you are experiencing.

I USED to be an emotional eater when I was so unhappy in my marriage. Rather than having an argument with my husband (now my ex, thank goodness), I would eat stuff...Lots of stuff! One day it dawned on me what I was doing, and I wondered WHY am I doing this to myself? The ANGER that I felt toward him was causing me to overeat, and the eating caused GUILT, and the
GUILT caused SADNESS, and the SADNESS caused LONELINESS, LOW SELF ESTEEM and DEPRESSION, which caused me to want to eat stuff....Lots of stuff. So you see what a vicious circle it can become.

My reason for all of the 'blah, blah, blah' above is because you state, " I have accepted the fact that I am off my "diet" and will probably gain a few pounds before January rolls around." OK, so ACCEPT IT, and Do Not feel GUILTY about it! Give yourself PERMISSION to TAKE A SHORT VACATION from your "DIET." (That's such an ugly sounding word)

Oh, you may indeed be surprised to find that you will not stray too far from your 'diet.' There really is something to this "Healthy Lifestyle" thing. We feel better both physically AND mentally, and after living like that for what is it...two years now, you may find that your tastes have changed, You may find that you no longer enjoy many of the foods that you USED to love before getting on the "Healthy Lifestyle" journey.

Take care, and keep in touch. Best Wishes in reaching all of your goals.

HUGS
Pam



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STEFIGURL 12/14/2013 12:10PM

    I think you are doing SPLENDIDLY, My Love!
We must be REALISTIC about what all of this is...and love OURSELVES FIRST the way we want others to love us. It sounds like you're doing just that! ;-)
PROGRESS...not perfection!!! :-)
I am right there with you, Friend!

lovelovelove,
ste
phi :-)

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JAE_HENNINGTON1 12/14/2013 10:43AM

  sometimes when surrendering is all we can do.. then it is best thing for you..I know, I am right there with you

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KITT52 12/14/2013 10:31AM

    emoticon ..do what is best for you....

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EVIE4NOW 12/14/2013 10:15AM

  Maybe you can try eating one Deb cake and freezing the rest. That way you can portion them out to yourself. I do this with other once a year stuff...and it will last me till summer. Think I would stay away from mom for awhile and if she asks why... be blunt and tell her why. She obviously doesn't care much for others feelings (yours) so stop caring about hers and tell her that she makes you upset. Don't feel guilty about "your" time. Accept it and when the time comes move on.

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THINFITFEMINIST 12/14/2013 9:54AM

    emoticon

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SLIMMERJESSE 12/14/2013 9:45AM

    Wonderful blog.

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SUEPERWOMAN 12/14/2013 9:35AM

 
This was absolutely beautiful. I think that you have hit on "the secret to success" in life, and it is surrender. I highly recommend it can can rarely do it myself, LOL.

I think that you can surrender to the feelings without it meaning that you will surrender to the food, but of course you need to do what you are ready and willing to do, my sweet friend.
I wonder if you are using the word "surrender" to mean, "I give up". I prefer to use the word "surrender" to say, "I submit every bit of my life to you, God. Every hurt, every goodie, every relationship. I put them in your confident and loving hands. I cannot do this in my own strength, but with YOU, it is possible.

January will be here before we know it, and I will support you, whatever you decide, Em.
I'm here if you need me.

Love, Ginger

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