Thursday, October 06, 2011
So, I've been working on getting my writing out to more people, and I put up one of my short stories. If you like science fiction or dystopia, give it a read!
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
You know the one. The one who has to comment on every move you make, every idea you express, every dream you have. That person.
I'm a pretty mellow person. I have no problem with people having their own opinions, interests, ideas, etc. I believe in being kind and supportive as much as possible. I've definitely got my faults and have my moments of selfishness and insensitivity, but overall, I try to be a nice person.
I also worry a lot about people's opinions of me. I know I shouldn't, but it's hard not to. This person was the first person to become my friend when I finally started caring about myself again, and no mater what she does to me, I feel like I need her approval. Crazy, right?
I've taken a break from her before. I made the mistake of getting her a job where I work because she needed a paycheck. She not only went absolutely crazy on one of the students, but she tried to get me fired because I made a poster for "her" fun run (a fundraiser we were working on together). Stil, we live in a small community, and it's hard to avoid someone. I thought it would be easier to be occasional friends, so I started talking to her again.
BIG mistake. She's right back to her usual b.s. I've been trying lately to put myself out there as a health blogger and a zumba instructor. Every time I post a blog, she makes nasty, belittling comments on it. She flipped when I started my zumba challenge because I mentioned that I am planning on becoming a trainer (she is one and apparently is the only person in the world allowed to train others). It's hard to feel confident about putting yourself out there when you know it's going to bring confidence-crushing comments every time.
Today, I posted an event on facebook for the upcoming fun run. I've tweaked her plan a little and added a costume contest because we're having it right before Halloween. Fun, right?
Of course, it immediately brought comments about how she was the one to come up with the fun run idea and just more negativity. (note: she no longer works with me, and I run the fundraisers myself) It's absurd. I mean, she stole the idea from another local school that did a race just like it. It's not a new idea. Anyway, I can't take it any more. I blocked her on facebook for now. I need a break. I'll speak to her when I see her at school functions or around town, but I can't stay in this kind of toxic friendship. I have a lot of good friends who support me.
I still feel terrible, and I know she'll start talking about me to other moms again, but I just can't do it any more. I'm trying to do new things and be a better person. I can't let anyone hold me back.
Monday, October 03, 2011
I've been kind of a mess the last few days. I'm facing some changes in my life that may seem minuscule, but they could potentially change the course of my life. Needless to say, that freaks me out. I'm also dealing with my own poor self esteem which is being increased by a (maybe not so great) friend who always has to put me down and gets all weird and competitive when I express an interest in something that she does (she's a trainer.) I haven't been sleeping and my emotions are out of control. Instead of dealing with my crazy emotions, I ate...and ate...and ate. Even with the great support of my fellow Sparklers, I couldn't get out of the funk I was in.
Then I got a phone call from an old friend. We haven't spoken much in the last 5 years, but it was as if time hadn't passed at all. During our conversation she said something that floored me. She was talking about how she's not a fighter. She gives up if things get too hard. I started to say, "yeah me too", but she cut me off. "No, Em, " she said. "You are a fighter. You pick and choose your battles, but you have a lot of fight in you."
That got me thinking. Yes, I am a fighter. I want what I want, and I work hard to get it. When did I forget this? When did I decide to let fear win?
So, I'm back. Thanks to that one phone call, my head is clear, I am determined, and I worked out the entire routine for my Zumba challenge and lifted weights. I am a fighter, and I will succeed.
If you'd like to read more of my thoughts on the fear of change, I just posted a piece about it (with an awesome pic) at my other blog.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Lately, I've been letting myself slide. I've become too comfortable. I've started thinking about seeing how fit I can become. I've also been considering training. Starting the Zumba Challenge has made me rethink my future. I love heath and fitness, and I could definitely see myself as a trainer.
So, I need to get myself in better shape. I need to refocus on eating well and losing weight. I know what I need to do to get it going again. I just need to have the willpower to do it.
1. Stick with my crazy exercise schedule.
2. Eat in the low end of my calorie range.
3. Eat veggies with every meal.
4. Eat every few hours.
5. Weigh myself every morning.
6. Don't change the plan on the weekend.
7. Get 7-8 hours of sleep every night.
8. 10 minutes of yoga/stretching every day.
9. 12 cups of water a day.
10. Believe in myself and my abilities.
This is what I have been trying to do, except for the weighing myself every morning part. I usually weigh myself once a week, but when I was losing weight, I was monitoring my weight every day. I know what makes it fluctuate, and I only record it once a week. I'm not scale obsessed, but I've found it's a useful tool. It also takes the pressure off of Friday night. I've found that is my worst time to binge because I'm exhausted, it's the weekend, and I weigh myself Saturday mornings, so I feel pressured to eat light. I don't like that feeling. I'll still record my weight on Saturday, but I'll have a better idea of what my weight will be. It's important to be aware.
So, that's my plan for October. I think I'll feel a lot better once I'm back on track. And, I'll feel more prepared for the new changes coming in my life. I'm ready for the next level.
Saturday, October 01, 2011
5 Things I like about my body. Hmm. Interesting.
This challenge seemed simple enough. I've gotten over my hatred of my body and definitely appreciate everything it can do. I push it hard, and it gives me everything. Still, my list seems redundant. I love my body. It's strong. I think that covers it.
1. My legs are super strong and have muscle definition for the first time ever.
2. My arms are stronger than they've ever been, have definition, and have almost no more bat wings!
3. My shoulders have become my favorite part of my body. I ignored them for so long, but they are strong and sexy now!
4. My chin - a singular chin. I've had 2-3 chins since high school, so this one still amazes me.
5. My core is crazy strong. I can hold a V sit for 60 seconds without a problem. I can hold a plank for 3 minutes.
6. "The girls" are a manageable size. I can actually buy bras in a store instead of ordering them online and paying 3x as much. Love that.
7. My hips are smaller and my butt is rocking. I've done about a million squats, and I've had to buy a different style of pants, but I love my lower body.
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