Saturday, August 20, 2011
It's been a long summer. I've been working hard a few times a week and eating well most of the time, but it hasn't been as consistent as it was. I just got back from vacation where I made sure to be really active, but I also did not track my food. I think I did okay. I was up 2lbs. Not terrible.
Now I'm ready to do something different. I had been thinking about increasing my ST. I've been lifting once a week with my trainer, and I love it. I also love the definition I had in my shoulders. I've also been having a rough time with my food. I've been slipping up a lot more often. I've been considering eating clean, but couldn't make my self stick to it.
Then I saw FITWHIT's post about a new challenge. ST and clean eating! It's as if the program was made for my new goals.
I did Day one today, and it was great. I also did an easy jog on the treadmill. I started to feel more like myself. Everything was coming together.
This is after a major binge. It sucks to admit it, but when I got back from vacation I had a major slip-up. It was so bad that I started sweating and shaking and felt horrible. It was awful and a little scary since I couldn't stop shaking. That was the turning point. I was more than ready to start over. I set a goal to complete this challenge, meaning more ST, clean eating, and hopefully I will break my plateau. I've been in the 160s too long. If I complete this challenge I'm buying new workout clothes. Great motivation.
It's nice to feel focused and on track again. I missed it. Day one is going well. I feel great! Wish me luck with this challenge. I'm finally feeling motivated again!
Friday, July 29, 2011
I haven't written a blog in a while because I haven't had much to say. I've been feeling kind of stuck in a rut lately, and though I kept exercising, I didn't work very hard, and I ate close to (or sometimes over) my limit most days.
Today I saw CHRISTINA791's blog "Notes for me" and thought it was an excellent idea. I needed to write my own notes to get me focused and keep me on track.
1. Enjoy the yummy and colorful fruits and vegetables you bought at the farm stand. They are delicious and so very good for you.
2. Go for it on the elliptical today! Get some good cardio, but don't you dare run until your feet are better. It's better for you in the long run ;)
3. You're facing two stressful weeks, but you are a smart, capable woman. You will make it through, and then you get to go on vacation! Use these two weeks to get back into healthy, planned eating, and don't stress. You're good at what you do!
4. You get to have an awesome vacation and get new workout clothes! And new sneakers!! A great end to the summer then back into life refreshed, relaxed, and ready.
5. You are ready to try something new. Step out of the box and challenge yourself. What will be next?
6. You can do anything you put your mind to. You seem to have forgotten this lately, but don't ever give up! Remember when you first believed it, and everything was moving along so well? You want that back. Remember it. Believe it. Live it.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The last couple days have made me feel like a different person. I was feeling really down (see previous feeling sorry for myself post) and hadn't exercised in several days. Coincidence - no. These things are definitely related. On Tuesday I did a great session with my trainer. I sprinted and pushed myself even though it was in the upper 80s and humid. I felt strong and accomplished when I finished, and I felt like myself again.
Yesterday made me feel really proud and like I have become someone else. It was a scorcher yesterday, 90+ degrees and unbelievably humid. There were warnings to avoid strenuous outdoor activity. I wasn't sure what would happen. I usually lift weights and run 3 miles with my trainer on Wednesdays, but I wasn't sure what she would do in this kind of weather. I should have known nothing would change. My trainer is an awesome and crazy woman and there is no stopping her. Yesterday that was me as well.
The run was hard. It might have been the hardest physical thing I have ever done. Still, I refused to quit. We saw friends as we ran that said we were nuts for running, and it made me feel strong and proud. I could feel my body wanting to quit, but I pushed on. It's not my body that wants to quit. It's my mind. I discovered I can control my mind and push past limits. It was a really empowering feeling.
When it was over I felt great. Exhausted, sore, and covered in more sweat than I've ever been before, but great. I felt like a totally different person. Who is this crazy woman who runs despite of weather and her own mind? Who is this woman who sticks to her workouts and doesn't limit herself? She's the new me, and I like her. A lot.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
No matter how much weight I lose, I will not fit in. When I was fat, I felt alienated and alone. I blamed my weight. I knew people looked at me with disgust and judged me by the large, fleshy rolls around my middle and my ham sized upper arms. My triple chin and massive neck choked back the words I wanted to say to the staring faces.
Now, I'm finding the same type of judgement. I didn't expect it. I thought that when I lost the weight everything would be fine. Instead I'm discovering new types of judgement. I live in a place where a lot of people are overweight, and I am often confronted with people who sneer or laugh when I go out for a run instead of staying to eat pizza with them. I'm also beginning to meet people who have never known the fat Em. They only see the fit Em, and they avoid me. They group together by size and seem to think I am judging them or somehow don't understand what it's like.
I'm also remembering the one benefit of being fat. No inappropriate comments from creepy, leering men. I've had two encounters in the last week with men who seem to think they are entitled to comment on my body and looks. It really pisses me off. Who do they think they are? Why do they think they can invade my space and make me regret losing weight? I developed very early and spent most of my tween and teen years listening to unwanted comments about my body. Fat was my protection from the words. Sure, there were other words about my fat, but they were much more infrequent, and I was deluded enough to not believe them for a long, long time.
I've been pretty down for the last couple weeks. I'm trying to keep making good food choices, but I'm not doing well and exercise has diminished. For a while I was doing 2 hours a day. Now, I'm down to four hours a week. I feel like crap, and it's putting me in a bad head space.
I know what I need to do to pull myself out of this, but the effort seems too huge. I really need a day to myself to get my head straight. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening for quite a while. Something has to change.
As for fitting in, I know I don't really want to fit in here. I am different, and that is what makes me special. I am a creative person, and as long as I embrace that I will be happy. I have several good friends, and I should just feel lucky to have them.
Okay, I'm done feeling bad for myself. Upping the exercise and hopefully decreasing the stress. Sleep and creativity wil be more of a priority. I have two weeks with few commitments. Time to get myself back on track for real.
I'll let you know how it goes...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Today is not a good day. I'm seriously sleep deprived. Last week I got maybe 5 hours a night (if I was lucky), and this week isn't starting any better. I agreed to run sound for the community theater's show, and rehearsal went until 11 last night. I had to get up early to go to my newest job this summer. I work with kids and usually love it, but today I just didn't have the energy.
I'm just exhausted, and looking forward to when I can finally sleep again, and realizing it's a long way off, is making me totally bummed out.
I know it's just a rough day and tomorrow will be better. Still, it's nice to vent.
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