Wednesday, July 09, 2014
I feel good. 9 days into July and I’m hopeful I can maintain this lifestyle change.
The exercise minutes are important to me again! I want to earn them—want to sweat—want to push myself to see just how much further I can go…
Nutrition has been a bit of a struggle—I am still working on it. I don’t think I’ve gone over too much on my goal from my tracking, but I have been under (which I know is counterproductive) but I’m either a. too busy b. not hungry but I know that this can lead to binging as it has in the past…
I’d like to lose 10 pounds this month (well, to be honest, I'd like to lose more than that in a month, but I'm trying to be pretty realistic!). While, I’m hopeful I can do it, I know that it may not happen, as my body will lose the weight as it wants—I have to focus on the important stuff—good nutrition and exercise!! Oh, and lots of water!
My job is so much less stressful. I can actually sleep at night! It feels so good to actually rest—for years, I’d try to sleep, but I don’t think I ever really rested. It’s taking some getting used to—I do miss the work but I do not miss the impact it was having on my mind, body and personal life.
How is everyone else’s month going? What are you doing this month for you and your future?!
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Same ol', same ol'... I'm frustrated with myself, irritated with everything and just all around stuck. I will have a great few days and something will throw me off and I wallow in my bad mood or try to find the answer at the bottom of a binge. I am BEYOND TIRED OF IT. I am exhausted with this behavior and want to be D.O.N.E. with it for good.
Yesterday, I didn't get up for my workout, I was tired-- and I figured it was the 5 mile workout I did the day before, my body hurt, my back ached, I got up, took my vitamins, ate breakfast, took some aleve and headed out for work. Figured I'd get my exercise minutes in after work... We got done early with work and I got home around 1:30. I was very hungry-- so I ate lunch-- salad with a bocca patty and a tbsp of light dressing mixed with stoneground mustard. I was exhausted all of the sudden. I sat down to go through mail and ended up napping on the couch until my dentist appointment-- woke up with the beginnings of a fever blister/cold sore (I've gotten them since I was a child, both parents get them-- get them when I'm getting sick, am run down, too much sun and certain foods trigger them...) figured I'd eaten something to trigger it. After my appointment, I cleaned up in the kitchen and made dinner. Vegetable brown rice with shrimp. Drank plenty of water yesterday... but after dinner, I ended up binging... I can't even believe I did it. I just couldn't get satisfied and I ate this or that and ended up just feeling overly salty, bloated and icky.... got up this morning, and just cried. For what reason?! Why? I just feel so defeated. I've been going around in circles trying to get this weight off, trying to get control and I just don't do it. I let my emotions control me, I let other peoples' issues drive me, I cope with food. How unhealthy, how embarrassing, how weak. I am so angry with myself.
Had an argument with my mom on Sunday. I'm going to go ahead and guess this has a lot to do with my self-pity and disgust. During the argument, I told her I was tired of her judging me and comparing me and that that type of behavior has always made me feel like I'm not good enough-- of course, she is on the defensive and immediately gets offended:"I have never said you're not good enough, I am just telling you that you and I have let ourselves go to shi!". (yeah, she said those words) and then I get so angry-- first off, she's like a size 10, second off, who is she to say I've let myself go to Sh!t? Uggh. I went off-- I told her I felt that she had no right to say that, that neither of us are so overweight that we can't shop in regular stores, that she is smaller than the average woman and that while, I am very unhappy with my weight and health, it certainly doesn't impact the type of person I am. I am still so hurt by that comment. I can't get untangled from it. She kept going on about how slender people were or how we had to do this or eat this to get the weight off, to look good for my upcoming wedding. She then started talking about my sister in law (who is 5 ft tall & 90 lbs) and how she can wear whatever she wants and blah blah blah. Finally, I had to ask her what SIL had to do with the conversation. She got defensive. Then I lost it and told her I was tired of being judged and examined...
So after the argument, I got on the treadmill for over an hour. Angry, loud music and over five miles didn't cure it. Yesterday was not a good day. Got up this morning, cried, had a melt down, cried some more and went out for a walk/jog intervals. 5+ miles later and I feel a bit better. Just a bit. I don't know what to do.
I want the weight gone. I want my mom to stop shoving her issues on me. I want my two bridesmaids to stop being vindictive and horrible and mean. I want this wedding over and I want only good, nice people in my life. I am so tired of trying to be the better, bigger person and letting those who supposedly love me, treat me like I don't matter.
(Obviously, I have a ton of issues going on and really, really need to work through them)
If you took the time to read my meltdown, thank you. I really do appreciate your time. Any advice, words of encouragement or kick in the butt is welcome...
I guess I need to find a vacant area and just SCREAM.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Woke up this morning... weighed myself. Thought I was going to cry. Most I've ever weighed in my life.
But instead of wallowing in my weight. I did something about it. I took all my measurements. I tracked them on here. I started a cleanse with a friend of mine, who is on beyonddiet.com She shared all the information with me. I'm not going to lie. I was skeptical, I was scared, I was nervous but I said, forget it. I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!
Besides the headache I've had all day-- which could be allergies or the lack of coffee, I feel pretty good. The food on day 1 has been pretty good, I was surprised-- I was also surprised by the lack of calories in the cleanse-- but I get it, apparently there is a science to it or something. I just know that I want to stick with it for the 9 days to restart and begin back on my healthy eating. I'm not aiming for perfect though-- If I keep this headache, I'm adding in more calories/nutrition. Tomorrow's breakfast is two eggs scrambled with veggies though, so I figure that will be a very filling, nutrient rich way to begin my day.
So, instead of beating myself up for letting my weight get out of control, I'm being solution focused-- I am going to get healthy. This weight is going to hit the road (as am I with my walking!!) I can do this. I have a wedding dress to wear in 6 months. Past time to get serious, but not too late!
What do you think about cleanses? I've always been skeptical. Do you think they can be helpful tools to get you back on track or do you think they're too restrictive?
(The new job is great, I will update soon-- just been a lot of reading & office time & getting invited to eat out for lunch! I get to make my own schedule beginning next week, I will PACK my lunch!! Healthy choices!)
Sunday, March 09, 2014
It's March 9th. And I've gained. I've ignored my body. I've been oblivious some days. I've been abusive other days. Cramming food into my mouth isn't going to solve any problem, it's only going to create more...
I'm pretty sad today. More disappointed, I guess. I am the largest I've ever been. I couldn't find any dress slacks today on my shopping trip... I take that back. I found 1 pair. I can't even divulge the size because I am so disappointed in myself.
30 was supposed to be the year of getting it together. I've been squandering the opportunity. It makes me sad; disappointed...
I quit my job. Yeah, the one I've been blaming for everything and all my stress. My last day was the 7th... I start my new job tomorrow morning. I'm numb tonight. Not stressed, not excited, not scared, not anything... just numb.
Now that I've purged all the negative, let's discuss the positive:
Did you hear what I said up there?!! I QUIT my job. The one that was creating migraine headaches, insomnia, weight gain, self-loathing, vicarious trauma, etc, etc, etc... It was definitely a loss, as I am incredibly passionate about foster care, but I am so very excited to begin this new chapter in my life. Time to take care of *ME* and challenge myself.
I packed healthy snacks tonight, for my big first day tomorrow. I have my oatmeal ready to go for breakfast and I may even make myself an almond milk smoothie for the drive... I am prepared. (Water bottle, too!)
I bought a lot of clothes today. It was bittersweet as lots of things were too snug or not flattering. XL items were even too snug. I've never experienced this before. It's devastating and leaves me defeated. But the positive is, I did find some beautiful items to add in to my "just for right now" wardrobe AND... I bought myself new workout clothes to jumpstart this change. It's time to take care of myself. And my new cute workout capris will be helpful, even if they are an XL... but let's be for real-- they'll only be an XL so long as I'm willing to accept it...
I am worthy of taking care of my body. My body deserves to be cared for. I am going to get with the program... anyone that wants to remind me or scold me, I'd appreciate it. I can always use the extra dose of reality or some motivational words.
I may have fallen, but I'm certainly not staying down.
Here's to getting it all together and caring for myself.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Well first, Happy 2014... I know it's the 25th, where have I been?!
Let's see, I ended up with bronchitis on 12/23 and was sick for the longest time... nothing helped; it was terrible and I'm still coughing and feeling cruddy some days. Doctor didn't offer any suggestion. Hoping the weather balances out and I get over it.
The job update? Still at the crazy, chaotic one. The other job? Well they wanted to hire two positions off of one posting, however, they weren't allowed. My second interview is 1/28... What a long process. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if I should leave what I'm doing-- (craziness, right? after all the chaos I've experienced with it and how much it controls my life) I am going into the interview with an open-mind. Maybe I'm just nervous to fail and not get offered the position. I want a new opportunity. I want a new venture.
My weight hasn't changed much. I've lost about 7 pounds. (2 this week!) And I haven't gotten back in my exercise routine. I must get on top of this. I know that adding in exercise is going to make a huge difference in my mood, energy, everything!
We went to a bridal expo recently. My fiance wanted to go and my brother proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve so they joined us too. We met lots of vendors and gathered information. We set our date for September! (Yeah, freaking out a bit about all of the details and my weight!) During the show, they give away prizes. I won the grand prize! A free wedding dress. I was absolutely speechless and shocked. (Another reason to get in shape and NOW!) I get to schedule my appointment and shop the entire boutique! I am so thankful for the prize and really, really want to be healthy.
I know I have the knowledge to fuel my body with real food, food that is going to benefit me and make me feel good. I have to find the motivation to get back to exercising regularly. I don't have to kill myself each day with 5 miles, I just need to get back in a routine of making it a priority. I went to the doctor for a full physical and gathered all kinds of tips about better sleep. I had already cut out caffeine after 2, but she suggested after noon! That's a tough one but I've done it and it's helped already! I've cooked healthy dinners all week and packed my lunch at work-- and it's showed on the scale, down 2 pounds!! I know I can do this-- it's not just a goal, but a lifestyle change-- I want to take care of myself so I can be the best version of myself.
What are your goals for the new year? Any good news/fun stuff going on?
Wishing all my Sparkfriends their best year yet!
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