Sunday, March 09, 2014
It's March 9th. And I've gained. I've ignored my body. I've been oblivious some days. I've been abusive other days. Cramming food into my mouth isn't going to solve any problem, it's only going to create more...
I'm pretty sad today. More disappointed, I guess. I am the largest I've ever been. I couldn't find any dress slacks today on my shopping trip... I take that back. I found 1 pair. I can't even divulge the size because I am so disappointed in myself.
30 was supposed to be the year of getting it together. I've been squandering the opportunity. It makes me sad; disappointed...
I quit my job. Yeah, the one I've been blaming for everything and all my stress. My last day was the 7th... I start my new job tomorrow morning. I'm numb tonight. Not stressed, not excited, not scared, not anything... just numb.
Now that I've purged all the negative, let's discuss the positive:
Did you hear what I said up there?!! I QUIT my job. The one that was creating migraine headaches, insomnia, weight gain, self-loathing, vicarious trauma, etc, etc, etc... It was definitely a loss, as I am incredibly passionate about foster care, but I am so very excited to begin this new chapter in my life. Time to take care of *ME* and challenge myself.
I packed healthy snacks tonight, for my big first day tomorrow. I have my oatmeal ready to go for breakfast and I may even make myself an almond milk smoothie for the drive... I am prepared. (Water bottle, too!)
I bought a lot of clothes today. It was bittersweet as lots of things were too snug or not flattering. XL items were even too snug. I've never experienced this before. It's devastating and leaves me defeated. But the positive is, I did find some beautiful items to add in to my "just for right now" wardrobe AND... I bought myself new workout clothes to jumpstart this change. It's time to take care of myself. And my new cute workout capris will be helpful, even if they are an XL... but let's be for real-- they'll only be an XL so long as I'm willing to accept it...
I am worthy of taking care of my body. My body deserves to be cared for. I am going to get with the program... anyone that wants to remind me or scold me, I'd appreciate it. I can always use the extra dose of reality or some motivational words.
I may have fallen, but I'm certainly not staying down.
Here's to getting it all together and caring for myself.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Well first, Happy 2014... I know it's the 25th, where have I been?!
Let's see, I ended up with bronchitis on 12/23 and was sick for the longest time... nothing helped; it was terrible and I'm still coughing and feeling cruddy some days. Doctor didn't offer any suggestion. Hoping the weather balances out and I get over it.
The job update? Still at the crazy, chaotic one. The other job? Well they wanted to hire two positions off of one posting, however, they weren't allowed. My second interview is 1/28... What a long process. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if I should leave what I'm doing-- (craziness, right? after all the chaos I've experienced with it and how much it controls my life) I am going into the interview with an open-mind. Maybe I'm just nervous to fail and not get offered the position. I want a new opportunity. I want a new venture.
My weight hasn't changed much. I've lost about 7 pounds. (2 this week!) And I haven't gotten back in my exercise routine. I must get on top of this. I know that adding in exercise is going to make a huge difference in my mood, energy, everything!
We went to a bridal expo recently. My fiance wanted to go and my brother proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve so they joined us too. We met lots of vendors and gathered information. We set our date for September! (Yeah, freaking out a bit about all of the details and my weight!) During the show, they give away prizes. I won the grand prize! A free wedding dress. I was absolutely speechless and shocked. (Another reason to get in shape and NOW!) I get to schedule my appointment and shop the entire boutique! I am so thankful for the prize and really, really want to be healthy.
I know I have the knowledge to fuel my body with real food, food that is going to benefit me and make me feel good. I have to find the motivation to get back to exercising regularly. I don't have to kill myself each day with 5 miles, I just need to get back in a routine of making it a priority. I went to the doctor for a full physical and gathered all kinds of tips about better sleep. I had already cut out caffeine after 2, but she suggested after noon! That's a tough one but I've done it and it's helped already! I've cooked healthy dinners all week and packed my lunch at work-- and it's showed on the scale, down 2 pounds!! I know I can do this-- it's not just a goal, but a lifestyle change-- I want to take care of myself so I can be the best version of myself.
What are your goals for the new year? Any good news/fun stuff going on?
Wishing all my Sparkfriends their best year yet!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
So, this week wasn't my finest. Got some fitness minutes in, but I didn't do so hot in the kitchen department. I would start out well and then lose momentum at dinner time. I've been trying to pick apart what happened this week.
Self Reflection of this week
My day off! I got on the treadmill for over an hour. I ate within my calorie range. My brother and his girlfriend came over and did all their soon to arrive son's clothes and their laundry. They looked for cribs and pack and plays online while they were here... they argued. they brought their dog. It was a LONG day.
Day 2-- My nutrition was not so great-- I didn't eat enough during the day, I skimped on breakfast, not even eating half of my food, I pushed lunch until way later in the day, only stopping long enough to heat up my homemade turkey burger, throw it on a napkin and get back to work... Then add in the emotions from the work day-- of being irritated and treated poorly by others... WELL... it didn't go to well. I reflected at the end of this day, thought I had it under control but...
Day 3-- woke up with a terrible headache, told my boss I wasn't coming in until later in the day, then got the headache under control and got some exercise in... when I got to work, I received an email from the night before that said on Thursday, I was going to be making a 2 1/2 hour drive for my supervisor, because he didn't want to go to some state meeting. I had to rearrange my entire Thursday. I had to undo my plans for the day. I was not a happy camper...
4th day: had to get up super early to be at the meeting on time. Breakfast & lunch provided, I tried to do well, then by lunch, just said, forget it and I ate the cheesecake-- I didn't eat the entire piece, and it was a small portion, but... did I really need it? I had to present to the entire ballroom, by microphone (my first microphone experience, mind you) about a project that I was not included in-- I had a page and half of notes with about 2 sentences about each topic. Talk about winging it... got home after dark, exhausted. Fiance ordered pizza at my suggestion (yup, I'm admitting I was the ring leader of the pizza idea) but I made salads to go along with it. I topped off my dreadful day with half a pint of Haagen Dazs...
Friday: I was grumpy and tired. Didn't get up on time. When I did get up, I fed the cats, scrambled to get ready, threw the rest of the pint of Haagen Dazs away and threw some yogurt, a turkey burger and a banana into my lunch bag and headed to work. Since I worked 3.5 hours over on Thursday, I stopped at Starbucks for a nonfat latte, since I was starving by the time I got there, I decided to get a breakfast sandwich. I came so close to ordering the bacon egg cheese bistro sandwich, but I ordered the spinach egg-white wrap instead. Got to work 20 minutes late. I didn't eat lunch until 3 p.m. and I only ate the turkey burger. By dinner time, well, let's just say it consisted of the drive thru. After dinner, the binging commenced. I couldn't get "satisfied"
And there in lies the issue, I started using food as my emotional buffer again. Trying to push down emotions with food. Searching the cabinets, the fridge for something to make it better. There is nothing in the fridge or the cabinet or the drive thru that is going to make the stress go away. One thing that certainly helps?! The treadmill or the pavement. Work off the emotion.
I am a diligent person. I have maxed out on my vacation leave several times, losing my leave. I have over 250 hours of sick leave, that I hardly use... I don't like to be late or go in late, but I did twice this week (note that we have flexible schedules, due to our work hours/emergencies/travel time, there is no issue with me coming in late/or calling in to say I'll be a few hours late, so long as someone is notified) It's obvious. The job is taking a huge toll on me. I have gained 30 pounds since I've been at this job. The job that was supposed to provide me a better opportunity, better conditions, a better life. But it didn't. I stress and stress about what will happen each week. Who I have to play defense against this week or that week. It's not the actual work-- it's the co-workers, my direct supervisor. It is time to move on. I thought I had a good thing lined up. I interviewed, got called back for a second interview and heard things from the hiring manager like, you can park the agency car xyz, you won't start until the 1oth or 15th of the month, I won't ever call you at 4 p.m. on a Friday and tell you we're removing 4 kids and you need to find somewhere for them to go... I thought I was certainly a top candidate. But a month later, I get a call that the office is incredibly busy, that they just wanted to give me an update that no decision has been made. I viewed this as positive as well; then that Friday I received a call, we wanted to hire two from the last selection process but the state said we couldn't, we have to repost for the other position, we'd like you to apply if you're still interested, but no decision has been made on the first posting either. Our office has been chaotic and we have so much going on, but we hope to make decisions soon. The new posting will only be open one week, please apply if you're interested. I did. The job closed a week ago. No word. I am one stressed out lady. I really want this job.
I know when I look back on this chapter of my journey, this week will just be a blip on the map, but right now, I'm so frustrated with myself. I do not want my emotions to rule me. I want to be in control. I want to be able to deal with the stressful job and conquer my emotions.
Time to conquer my emotions... without the sabotage of food.
What do you do as a remedy for stress? Working out is a big one for me; if I just use my healthy coping skills and not revert to bad habits.
Happy Sparkin' Saturday, All.
Monday, November 11, 2013
I started last Monday. The time change helped me out, I suppose. I was able to get up early and get a work out in. I was able to stick to waking up earlier all week. I told myself you can skip 1 day if you're sore or tired or overwhelmed, but you absolutely cannot skip 2 days in a row.
I worked out 3 times last week.
Not where I want to be, but so much better than where I was.
I didn't meet my mileage goal, BUT I did so many more miles than last month.
Today, since I took Sunday off, I MADE myself get on the treadmill. I told myself, just 30 minutes, then while on the treadmill, since I was off work today, I said, may as well get 45 in, then 45 minutes hit and I decided 60 minutes it was... then I pushed on to complete 4 miles in 62 minutes... Now, mind you, my plantar facitis is killing me now-- I did my exercises to try to work it out. My fiance told me that I can't go from barely anything and expect to be right back where I used to be-- I know this, but it felt so good to get an hour in, to get 4 miles done in one workout. I was disappointed in my time-- it usually doesn't take an hour to get in 4 miles-- but I quickly told myself to knock it off, I finished an hour workout and 4 miles and that is great! I will get back to where I want to be, I just can't snap my fingers and expect it to happen over night...
My food has been really good. I've been doing really well with cooking and making sure to pack lunch and snack for work. Even when I was exhausted on Friday, I made him some quick burgers and made myself a huge spinach salad (for just over 300 calories!) instead of ordering out (which was his suggestion). I feel so much better when I eat real food. Saturday we celebrated my God Daughter's 7th birthday, and you probably guessed it, food was not the best-- she wanted pizza for dinner-- which led all the kids to Cici's pizza-- I went over my calories, but I didn't let it unhinge me and I didn't beat myself up for it (HUGE for me), I just drank plenty of water at dinner (instead of diet coke!) and then drank a big bottle when I got home, got up in the morning, had a healthy breakfast and stuck to good eating and lots of water all day. The scale didn't even notice.
What did this week back tell me?
I CAN DO THIS.
It isn't going to be easy, it isn't always going to be happiness and excitement, but I can do it. It's worth it, because I'm worth it. I already feel 100 times better. Imagine how much better I'll feel when these extra 40 pounds are gone-- my body will move easier, my back and knees (and I'm going to guess the plantar facitis) may even not hurt so bad?!
What are you going to do for yourself this week?
Saturday, October 05, 2013
I've been cognizant of my weight since about middle school-- I think it was the summer of my Fifth grade year when this neighborhood boy followed me to the mailbox (it was around the corner and up the street/like a big community mailbox-- since we lived in a trailer park) with another boy (the boy I had a crush on) and chanted "Stephanie has thunder thighs", I remember being mortified and crying. I wasn't overweight. I was one of the tallest girls in my class, athletic and perfectly healthy. I remember being so sad though-- that I wasn't pretty enough. Enter Middle School-- All the girls are going through puberty but not me, my face gets chubbier-- and I look, well, like a kid-- but at the time, I never felt pretty enough, good enough-- add in that people started making fun of me for living in a trailer-- and middle school couldn't have ended quickly enough. Once my TOM arrived (at the end of 8th grade, yup, later bloomer), everything changed-- I thinned out, body changed, (DUH) and I was moving on to High School. We moved from the trailer into a large house! My best friend was never over 100 pounds, she was Olive Oil (Popeye) skinny-- no curves, just slim. I was opposite, I was thin-- size 3-5 but had curves-- at the time, I couldn't understand why I wasn't skinny (although, I was!!) I used to walk everyday-- I used to play basketball 5 days a week-- but I got pretty obsessed with not being Enough-- pretty enough, cool enough, skinny enough. My freshman year of high school-- I limited my calorie intake a lot. I didn't eat breakfast, I barely ate lunch-- if I did, it was an apple juice and maybe a "light" coffee cake snack, which I'd give the other 3 cakes to the hot guy that would come around and pander for money for his cigarettes-- he'd sit and flirt and eat the cakes... I'd try to skip dinner if I could, but my parents were pretty stickler about sitting around the table for a family meal, so I'd push my food around my plate, eat the vegetables-- a few months into my Freshman year, my dad caught on that I wasn't eating like normal, I'm guessing he noticed my weight too. He actually made me sit at the table one night and eat a steak with him. I thought I was going to die! He knew something was up. Mom started making me drink Carnation Instant Breakfast before school and they were both on-top of me about having family dinners-- looking back, I know they caught me before it got way too bad-- I was battling body image issues and beginning on the eating disorder journey. Throughout High School, I maintained a 5-7 pants size, no issue, very active, never any formal exercise other than gym at school or walking or basketball with friends-- the coach wanted me to go out for the team, but I was too busy worried with "hanging with friends".
College-- I put on the Freshman 15 like many others-- too much drinking-- I battled my weight gains throughout my college career-- never over a size 10, but back and forth between a 6-10 isn't healthy for any metabolism. I continued to struggle with the good enough complex, all my peers came from families with money, I came from lower middle class (at best). I remember my parents doing their taxes so I could do the FAFSA for freshman year of college-- My dad made $18,000 that year (2001)... anyway, everyone at school "had" and I have always felt like a "had not", never good enough. I made some good friends though and was able to find my footing by sophomore year-- though my first semester of sophomore year was the most difficult, I survived. By the summer of sophomore year, I had gotten myself together-- I was in really great shape when I started back for my junior year-- I wasn't, but the weigh crept back on, a very dysfunctional relationship with a guy-- who wanted to keep me at home and do nothing but feed me-- no joke-- my mom even said he was trying to make me fat, so he could 'keep me'-- it was a really bad situation. By senior year, I had crept up to a size 10, was not happy and was pretty miserable. It took me the entire year to kick the bad relationship to the curb, and during that time, I got into walking and swimming and better eating (thanks to slimfast, too) and I shed the weight.
I think junior/senior year is when the emotional eating really began-- so "stuck" and the only comfort there was, was food and alcohol. I drank a lot throughout my teen and college years. There was little to do in the little town we grew up in and though my friends and I were always honor roll students, we drank. A LOT. It was our weekend ritual really. My parents were quite strict, but we would go to one of our other friends who were less strict and drink. There were 5 of us in the group-- and 4 of them had lenient parents...
This ramble has a purpose-- trying to locate where and when it all started. I've never felt good enough, and some of that began with my mom's issues-- of being embarrassed of having to live in a trailer for a while, of feeling the ignorance of others, that automatically assume if you reside in a trailer, you're trailer trash-- my parents were good, nurturing parents-- they were strict and held us accountable. They produced 3 decent members for society-- but none of us are without our flaws. My mom never felt good enough-- and that was cast over to me, the eldest-- she always cheered me on, but her feeling that others judged her, made me weary of the same-- add in the bullying over my clothes not being "cool enough" (I'll never forget the day I came home from 6th grade crying because the kids were making fun of my new shoes-- walk america tennis shoes-- and my dad went out and bought me a pair of Reeboks, even though I know to this day, we didn't have any money)
I'm going to free myself from the emotional eating, one way or another-- I will beat it. I will stop associating my worth by the number on the scale and just get healthy. I will be ENOUGH.
We all have a story-- a tale that tells how we were shaped, how we developed, how we became who we are-- The story is up to us after a certain point, though-- It's time for me to shed my chains-- to let go of never feeling "enough" and to embrace my strengths and move on.
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