EMBRACEINSPIRE   38,305
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I.FEEL. ...

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

I feel good. 9 days into July and I’m hopeful I can maintain this lifestyle change.
The exercise minutes are important to me again! I want to earn them—want to sweat—want to push myself to see just how much further I can go…
Nutrition has been a bit of a struggle—I am still working on it. I don’t think I’ve gone over too much on my goal from my tracking, but I have been under (which I know is counterproductive) but I’m either a. too busy b. not hungry but I know that this can lead to binging as it has in the past…

I’d like to lose 10 pounds this month (well, to be honest, I'd like to lose more than that in a month, but I'm trying to be pretty realistic!). While, I’m hopeful I can do it, I know that it may not happen, as my body will lose the weight as it wants—I have to focus on the important stuff—good nutrition and exercise!! Oh, and lots of water!

My job is so much less stressful. I can actually sleep at night! It feels so good to actually rest—for years, I’d try to sleep, but I don’t think I ever really rested. It’s taking some getting used to—I do miss the work but I do not miss the impact it was having on my mind, body and personal life.

How is everyone else’s month going? What are you doing this month for you and your future?!

  


I think screaming may be appropriate...

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Same ol', same ol'... I'm frustrated with myself, irritated with everything and just all around stuck. I will have a great few days and something will throw me off and I wallow in my bad mood or try to find the answer at the bottom of a binge. I am BEYOND TIRED OF IT. I am exhausted with this behavior and want to be D.O.N.E. with it for good.

Yesterday, I didn't get up for my workout, I was tired-- and I figured it was the 5 mile workout I did the day before, my body hurt, my back ached, I got up, took my vitamins, ate breakfast, took some aleve and headed out for work. Figured I'd get my exercise minutes in after work... We got done early with work and I got home around 1:30. I was very hungry-- so I ate lunch-- salad with a bocca patty and a tbsp of light dressing mixed with stoneground mustard. I was exhausted all of the sudden. I sat down to go through mail and ended up napping on the couch until my dentist appointment-- woke up with the beginnings of a fever blister/cold sore (I've gotten them since I was a child, both parents get them-- get them when I'm getting sick, am run down, too much sun and certain foods trigger them...) figured I'd eaten something to trigger it. After my appointment, I cleaned up in the kitchen and made dinner. Vegetable brown rice with shrimp. Drank plenty of water yesterday... but after dinner, I ended up binging... I can't even believe I did it. I just couldn't get satisfied and I ate this or that and ended up just feeling overly salty, bloated and icky.... got up this morning, and just cried. For what reason?! Why? I just feel so defeated. I've been going around in circles trying to get this weight off, trying to get control and I just don't do it. I let my emotions control me, I let other peoples' issues drive me, I cope with food. How unhealthy, how embarrassing, how weak. I am so angry with myself.

Had an argument with my mom on Sunday. I'm going to go ahead and guess this has a lot to do with my self-pity and disgust. During the argument, I told her I was tired of her judging me and comparing me and that that type of behavior has always made me feel like I'm not good enough-- of course, she is on the defensive and immediately gets offended:"I have never said you're not good enough, I am just telling you that you and I have let ourselves go to shi!". (yeah, she said those words) and then I get so angry-- first off, she's like a size 10, second off, who is she to say I've let myself go to Sh!t? Uggh. I went off-- I told her I felt that she had no right to say that, that neither of us are so overweight that we can't shop in regular stores, that she is smaller than the average woman and that while, I am very unhappy with my weight and health, it certainly doesn't impact the type of person I am. I am still so hurt by that comment. I can't get untangled from it. She kept going on about how slender people were or how we had to do this or eat this to get the weight off, to look good for my upcoming wedding. She then started talking about my sister in law (who is 5 ft tall & 90 lbs) and how she can wear whatever she wants and blah blah blah. Finally, I had to ask her what SIL had to do with the conversation. She got defensive. Then I lost it and told her I was tired of being judged and examined...

So after the argument, I got on the treadmill for over an hour. Angry, loud music and over five miles didn't cure it. Yesterday was not a good day. Got up this morning, cried, had a melt down, cried some more and went out for a walk/jog intervals. 5+ miles later and I feel a bit better. Just a bit. I don't know what to do.

I want the weight gone. I want my mom to stop shoving her issues on me. I want my two bridesmaids to stop being vindictive and horrible and mean. I want this wedding over and I want only good, nice people in my life. I am so tired of trying to be the better, bigger person and letting those who supposedly love me, treat me like I don't matter.

(Obviously, I have a ton of issues going on and really, really need to work through them)

If you took the time to read my meltdown, thank you. I really do appreciate your time. Any advice, words of encouragement or kick in the butt is welcome...

I guess I need to find a vacant area and just SCREAM.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EDENFELL 7/1/2014 11:32AM

    Hi! It sounds like you need a break from the stress..can you take a couple days off from dieting and working out and just focus on having a couple of stress-free days when you do stuff you enjoy and eat normal meals without any guilt. Sometimes too much pressure makes for that binging cycle! emoticon

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MEADSBAY 7/1/2014 8:20AM

    Oh my dear spark bud!
I am so sorry you are feeling so stressed out and overwhelmed right now.
It seems like you have a very clear understanding of your mother projecting her crap onto you and you are so right to push back.
Just try not to then turn in and pummel yourself.
May I offer a tiny suggestion?
Something that has helped me through some tough times in my internal life the last 5-6 years is short and sweet meditations with affirmations.
I Lovelovelove mythoughtcoach.com.
You find 10 minutes or so to lay or sit in a quiet room, pick a topic and start breathing.
Many of them are free or you can subscribe for $7 a month, download a bunch of them to your iPod and then drop the subscription.
Lots of great topics for dealing with difficult situations and people in your life and there's some nice interval training ones, too.
Otherwise, are you in therapy?
I would not be alive today, never mind happy, without the help of an amazing counselor who has helped me, my marriage and my family through many an unhappy time.
My best to you.
emoticon

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CAROLCRC 7/1/2014 8:17AM

    Well you did ask for advice... I don't know you at all, but a couple things jumped out at me...

You need to decide what to do about your weight for you for the long-term - not just to look good at the wedding. Once you decide you deserve to be healthy long-term it will fall into place.

Why did you pick bridesmaids who are horrible and mean to support you? I'm assuming there are family reasons that made it seem like a good idea/necessary. You can't change them - accept that you made the decision to include them and don't expect much.

Weddings cause a lot of stress. In your life together though, the wedding is just one day. Try to focus on the marriage/relationship and the wedding will receed in importance.

My daughter just called me out for placing too much emphasis on how I look instead of how healthy I am being, and for whining about it. It was salutary. Not sure it would help to do the same with your mom, but it was a kick in the butt for me and I will not vent to her about my weight/injury etc. to her so often.

But most of all - HUGS!!! You had a rough day and it sounds like you needed a hug. emoticon

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EVIE4NOW 7/1/2014 8:14AM

  Thoughts for after the melt down is complete. Next time you talk to your mom and feel like she is going into territory you don't care to go, change the subject or give her the I gotta go. I am not sure what's happening to your bridesmaids to be acting like that. Jealousy, or just plain nasty. If nasty, this obviously has just come up or you wouldn't have chosen them to be bridesmaids. Talk to them and find out what their issues are. Above all, STOP being other people's whipping girl.

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Wake Up Call

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Woke up this morning... weighed myself. Thought I was going to cry. Most I've ever weighed in my life.

But instead of wallowing in my weight. I did something about it. I took all my measurements. I tracked them on here. I started a cleanse with a friend of mine, who is on beyonddiet.com She shared all the information with me. I'm not going to lie. I was skeptical, I was scared, I was nervous but I said, forget it. I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

Besides the headache I've had all day-- which could be allergies or the lack of coffee, I feel pretty good. The food on day 1 has been pretty good, I was surprised-- I was also surprised by the lack of calories in the cleanse-- but I get it, apparently there is a science to it or something. I just know that I want to stick with it for the 9 days to restart and begin back on my healthy eating. I'm not aiming for perfect though-- If I keep this headache, I'm adding in more calories/nutrition. Tomorrow's breakfast is two eggs scrambled with veggies though, so I figure that will be a very filling, nutrient rich way to begin my day.

So, instead of beating myself up for letting my weight get out of control, I'm being solution focused-- I am going to get healthy. This weight is going to hit the road (as am I with my walking!!) I can do this. I have a wedding dress to wear in 6 months. Past time to get serious, but not too late!

What do you think about cleanses? I've always been skeptical. Do you think they can be helpful tools to get you back on track or do you think they're too restrictive?

(The new job is great, I will update soon-- just been a lot of reading & office time & getting invited to eat out for lunch! I get to make my own schedule beginning next week, I will PACK my lunch!! Healthy choices!)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DBELLE39 3/31/2014 7:16AM

    Have never done a cleanse, although I've thought about looking into it.

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TTLEELEE 3/30/2014 8:25PM

    I haven't done a cleanse for years, and when I did it was for allergy testing stuff. Lost a bunch of weight!! Mostly because I couldn't eat much of anything emoticon I hope it works for you as a way to kickstart your process!! And it is great to have a friend along for the ride.

It sounds like you have a good plan! Wishing you great success and a beautiful wedding!!

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TIME-4-TINA 3/30/2014 1:43PM

    I think cleanses are good, but I could never do it. When I get hungry, I too, get headaches. But I also get very bad pains in my stomach. Hunger pains I can handle. But these kind of pains I can't. So good luck. Hope you can do it. It's a good way to jump start your diet.

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BYEFATNANNY 3/30/2014 10:30AM

    I think this may give you a kick start and the fact you are doing it with a friend is helpful, you can compare notes. Yes you will get a headache without coffee (hint take an Excedrin w/caffeine) It will shrink your stomach so when its over that will be helpful. I say try to stick with it. If you can't handle it, just add a few veggies only. For motivation go try on that wedding gown. emoticon emoticon

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 3/30/2014 6:57AM

    I have mixed views regarding cleanses. I'll be anxious to read your "follow-up" blog!

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VANICIS 3/30/2014 3:56AM

    The scale is the devil. I swear its evil and ruins my day everytime I step on it.

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ELSCO55 3/29/2014 11:00PM

    Never done a cleanse. Hope you week goes well.

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GRAPHICS2 3/29/2014 10:08PM

  Glad you took positive steps rather than give up. Just go one day at a time changing the habits that took you where you are, and you will make it.

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BARBIE176 3/29/2014 10:07PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EMMACORY 3/29/2014 10:00PM

    Sounds like you have had an awakening. Hope the cleanse goes well for you. I have never done one. Since you have a wedding in 6 months I would suggest that you put a picture of a wedding dress on your refrigerator as a motivator to keep making good choices. emoticon

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EVENSTARR1 3/29/2014 9:55PM

  I don't know a lot about cleanses, but I want to say I appreciate your blog post. Keep up the great job! You can do this!!!! :)

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Ramblings...

Sunday, March 09, 2014

It's March 9th. And I've gained. I've ignored my body. I've been oblivious some days. I've been abusive other days. Cramming food into my mouth isn't going to solve any problem, it's only going to create more...

I'm pretty sad today. More disappointed, I guess. I am the largest I've ever been. I couldn't find any dress slacks today on my shopping trip... I take that back. I found 1 pair. I can't even divulge the size because I am so disappointed in myself.

30 was supposed to be the year of getting it together. I've been squandering the opportunity. It makes me sad; disappointed...

I quit my job. Yeah, the one I've been blaming for everything and all my stress. My last day was the 7th... I start my new job tomorrow morning. I'm numb tonight. Not stressed, not excited, not scared, not anything... just numb.

Now that I've purged all the negative, let's discuss the positive:

Did you hear what I said up there?!! I QUIT my job. The one that was creating migraine headaches, insomnia, weight gain, self-loathing, vicarious trauma, etc, etc, etc... It was definitely a loss, as I am incredibly passionate about foster care, but I am so very excited to begin this new chapter in my life. Time to take care of *ME* and challenge myself.

I packed healthy snacks tonight, for my big first day tomorrow. I have my oatmeal ready to go for breakfast and I may even make myself an almond milk smoothie for the drive... I am prepared. (Water bottle, too!)

I bought a lot of clothes today. It was bittersweet as lots of things were too snug or not flattering. XL items were even too snug. I've never experienced this before. It's devastating and leaves me defeated. But the positive is, I did find some beautiful items to add in to my "just for right now" wardrobe AND... I bought myself new workout clothes to jumpstart this change. It's time to take care of myself. And my new cute workout capris will be helpful, even if they are an XL... but let's be for real-- they'll only be an XL so long as I'm willing to accept it...

I am worthy of taking care of my body. My body deserves to be cared for. I am going to get with the program... anyone that wants to remind me or scold me, I'd appreciate it. I can always use the extra dose of reality or some motivational words.

I may have fallen, but I'm certainly not staying down.

Here's to getting it all together and caring for myself.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JULIAMOONCHILD 3/11/2014 2:26PM

    This was one terrific blog! It's like half way through things went from utterly dismal to fantastic - and what a trip you are on now that you have left that old job. Honestly, it may have been the one giant hand holding you back from your dreams (sure sounds like it!)-(cause stress affects everything in our life!) and now that you are free of it .... well, look at you go!

Now keep us posted and let us know how things are going. We are very much cheering you on!!! emoticon

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STEPBYSTEP1955 3/10/2014 12:08PM

    emoticonattitude ... I may have fallen, but I'm certainly not staying down. Here's to getting it all together and caring for myself.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BYEFATNANNY 3/10/2014 11:09AM

    I'm in the same boat, getting bigger not smaller. I don't dare go shopping and everything feels tight. Maybe Spring will give us a new beginning. Speaking of clothes you'll have a beautiful wedding dress to get in soon right?! I'm SO happy to hear you got a new job, that should be a huge help and maybe start a new routine too. Good luck today at the new job and new you. emoticon emoticon

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MEADSBAY 3/10/2014 10:38AM

    Thoughts become things.
SEE yourself already as you want to be.
Nip negative thoughts in the bud and flip them over to be positive thoughts.
I know- easier said than done but... emoticon

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New year update...

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Well first, Happy 2014... I know it's the 25th, where have I been?!

Let's see, I ended up with bronchitis on 12/23 and was sick for the longest time... nothing helped; it was terrible and I'm still coughing and feeling cruddy some days. Doctor didn't offer any suggestion. Hoping the weather balances out and I get over it.

The job update? Still at the crazy, chaotic one. The other job? Well they wanted to hire two positions off of one posting, however, they weren't allowed. My second interview is 1/28... What a long process. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if I should leave what I'm doing-- (craziness, right? after all the chaos I've experienced with it and how much it controls my life) I am going into the interview with an open-mind. Maybe I'm just nervous to fail and not get offered the position. I want a new opportunity. I want a new venture.

My weight hasn't changed much. I've lost about 7 pounds. (2 this week!) And I haven't gotten back in my exercise routine. I must get on top of this. I know that adding in exercise is going to make a huge difference in my mood, energy, everything!

We went to a bridal expo recently. My fiance wanted to go and my brother proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve so they joined us too. We met lots of vendors and gathered information. We set our date for September! (Yeah, freaking out a bit about all of the details and my weight!) During the show, they give away prizes. I won the grand prize! A free wedding dress. I was absolutely speechless and shocked. (Another reason to get in shape and NOW!) I get to schedule my appointment and shop the entire boutique! I am so thankful for the prize and really, really want to be healthy.

I know I have the knowledge to fuel my body with real food, food that is going to benefit me and make me feel good. I have to find the motivation to get back to exercising regularly. I don't have to kill myself each day with 5 miles, I just need to get back in a routine of making it a priority. I went to the doctor for a full physical and gathered all kinds of tips about better sleep. I had already cut out caffeine after 2, but she suggested after noon! That's a tough one but I've done it and it's helped already! I've cooked healthy dinners all week and packed my lunch at work-- and it's showed on the scale, down 2 pounds!! I know I can do this-- it's not just a goal, but a lifestyle change-- I want to take care of myself so I can be the best version of myself.

What are your goals for the new year? Any good news/fun stuff going on?

Wishing all my Sparkfriends their best year yet!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BYEFATNANNY 1/26/2014 11:15AM

    So glad to hear you have set a wedding date, and WOW the grand prize, that's fantastic. I do my very best when I have a weight loss goal, I know, I know, it should be about a lifestyle, but a wedding is a good goal! Remember exercise is a habit, maybe change to gym clothes at work and go straight to the gym, or for a walk, don't sit down when you get home, just do it. Anyway that helps me, if I just don't think and go. Sounds like this is your year for sure, starting with the date set and the big win and maybe a less stressful job. Lets go do this!!! emoticon

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ISLENAA 1/25/2014 10:26PM

  congrats on setting a wedding date, your weight loss and emoticon winning a free wedding dress! sept will be here before you know it and I wish you continued success and lots of stress free planning. stay the course....you will be glad you did! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MEADSBAY 1/25/2014 8:57PM

    I think winning the grand prize bodes well for a fabulous wedding and a long and happy marriage.
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