EM4488   45,275
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Personal Revelation!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

This is another non-SP related blog, but mental state influences weight, right?

I have always known I have a case of Obsessive Compusive Disorder. This has never been diagnosed, but I count everything and *must* do things in multiples of four....There are many things I can tell you, but you'd never know if you met me b/c I've mastered hiding it.

Next - my mom and boyfriend always tease me and say that I am a 'food hoarder'. Let me give you some background information: I keep my pantry filled. Yes, filled. Whenever I run out of something, I put it on the grocery list and restock. I often have doubles. My reasoning: I only go to the store once every other week or every third week and I don't want to be missing one ingredient per each recipe I look up! Also, I have two freezers (a chest and an upright). Why? The chest freezer is 100% meat because we purchased a half a pig and quarter cow (yep, we're redneck) and the other freezer is bread, pizza, and frozen entrees, and other things like that. My normal fridge-freezer is 100% vegetables. Okay, so I have a lot of food. I'm a "food hoarder".

Moving on, yesterdays blog (if you didnt' read it: I had a breakdown...anyway)... a new sparkfriend (Thank you CDGOLDILOCKS!) said it sounds like you want to have control at all times. And when she said that I went "OH, WOW. THATS ME"!

And to tie all three together I was just looking up food hoarding (because it came up....who knows) and guess what three things are super-commonly linked together: OCD, hoarding, and desire for control.

WHOA! I have a group disorder! Haha. I was pretty excited about it. I figure I've kept it in check for 22 years, whats another few til I can afford drugs or therapy, either way - very interesting!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CDGOLDILOCKS 3/22/2010 9:52AM

    I think it is so very wise for you to be delving into your "mental" issues while on your weight loss journey. I would be so bold as to say over 90% of people have a mental component to their weight. We ALL have access to a plethora of health and nutrition these days. I bet I could pick a random Sparkperson and ask them why they shouldn't eat saturated fat and they could give me 10 reasons. However, knowing and DOING are two separate issues. This is directed at me too, as I am a fatty who knows that brownies are bad for me, but they call my name when I am stressed!

Anyhow, I am glad I could help you. I hope you find the solution that is right for you.

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RWETHAIRYET 3/18/2010 11:42AM

    I"m a food hoarder myself...mostly because I've gone without a few too many times in my past. I go into an absolute panic if I don't have certain "essentials" on hand at all times. Even now that I'm kidless and not worried about feeding a hoard, I have to have certain things in certain quantities. But that definitely is an offshoot of all those times when I'd open a cupboard door and have nothing to feed the kids.
I don't have the other symptoms, but food is definitely a control issue.
Oh, and I used to compulsively rearrange furniture, another control issue. But somehow I lost that compulsion when I finally ditched the ex husband...which was the area of my life that I really needed to take control of, hahaha.

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MICHELLENRGZED 3/18/2010 12:02AM

    I can relate to this, too. Not the 3 freezers - I only have one - but I do a bit of hoarding (not food but other stuff. If I run out of something, I have to make sure it's replaced) & I have a very mild case of OCD - mine's also undiagnosed. I know I have it, though, because of patterns & having to make sure certain things are done in certain ways, & even numbers are big to me, especially if I'm fidgeting or over tired or stressed - then I start tapping. I check things like crazy - especially the lock on my door. There're other things, too, but it's not something that usually affects my life, &, like you, I've been very successful at hiding it.

It's good to write about these things. Yes, mental things affect weight & our overall beings. Everything written here could be SP related, although not always directly. Thanks for sharing bits of your story! :)

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NANCY-GIRL 3/17/2010 8:42PM

    Have you seen that new show on hoarders? Amazing! But you eat what you hoard, no? Or do you wind up having to throw a lot of rotten stuff out? At least you hoard it elsewhere than your body...

According to the internet, I have binge eating disorder. I think I even blogged about it a while back... The internet is full of all sorts of diagnoses.

Oh, & a total side-note, I had a boyfriend once whose mother had a little hobby farm/ranch thing. She had a few head of beef (like, under 10). It was really weird for me to be eating the cow I was petting the week before... When that bf & I broke up, his mother gave me a whole lot of Oscar, or whatever that poor, deceased beef cow's name was...
emoticon moo.

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EARTHANGLB 3/17/2010 8:13PM

    haha that sounds just like me! except for the extra freezer for the cow :)

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Confessions of an emotional basketcase

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

This blog is going to be long. This blog is going to be completely non-SparkPeople related and at times may be TMI or too personal or too deep. With that being said: if you do not feel you are close enough to me I don’t expect you to read it all, but I’m very open to anyone reading it and giving me your feelings/thoughts/opinions….and if you have a psychiatrist, just forward this to them and hope they can help me! :)

In order to get to the real question of this blog, you need a lot of background material, a whole life worth to be exact.

Death. I don’t know what this is. Why? In my entire 22 years I have lost a great-great aunt and two cats (one of which I don’t remember at all). The only thing I remember about my aunt’s death is I was around 7 or 8 and thought it would be cool to touch her. It wasn’t. Well, it was “cool” because she was stone-cold and it freaked me out beyond belief.

My family consists of my gram and papa, their five kids (and 3 spouses) and a total of five grandkids. We are *ridiculously* close. Ridiculously. We love each other more than any other family I have ever met. We spend minimum of two Sundays a month ALL together (minus one grandkid that lives in TX). We call each other everynight – all of us – for random things. We call just because it’s 9 pm and we hadn’t talked that day. My grandmas siblings are also close – there are five of them, and all of their descendants that we’re very close with. We have a family reunion every five years in which 80+ people get together…and…are you ready? Not just for a day picnic, we have a reunion for a week. A week long. We borrow campers and tents and tables and chairs and we have themed reunions. Again, I reiterate: We Are Close! And no one – none of these people, no great aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins, no one has ever died. I have absolutely no clue what death is.

An interesting point to make is I have a *FEAR* of death, but at the same time a complacency about it. My fear: I have extreme paranoia. I check behind doors and curtains for “murders”, if I speed I only thing about dying in a wreck, whenever anyone has to fly I think of it crashing, whenever someone is sick I think about how they’ll die, if someone is old: death. I mean, I think about it all the time, everyday. But, my complacency with it, is I’m not afraid of death in itself, I’m afraid of when/how it will come. Oh, additionally, because I think of death so much, I CONSTANTLY think about when I die what will be my last _____(insert anything here), like my last word, my last phone call, my last song on my ipod. My main thing is my last word. I will not, CAN NOT, hang up the phone without telling my family members that I love them. If I hang up without telling them I love them I get near panic attacks b/c “what if I/they die before I say it again”.

Alright, now that you get my background glimpse…. Let us travel into Emily’s other crazy world. I was raised an only child. My momma raised me well and I loved every minute of my life! (My step dad has been in my life since I was 8 years old. He is my dad, I just call him Chet. :)) My ‘dad’, Bill, left when my mom got pregnant. At a young age I learned about my three older siblings (of Bills, I’m my moms only). I met two of them and kept in vague contact throughout the years. At the ripe age of 13 my oldest bro was getting married, and I was invited to the wedding. At this time I found out, holy crap, I have three younger siblings (Bill went on to have three more! 7 of us total). Okay…..oh, I suppose the most important thing to write here is this: I have never met him. I never met Bill. I have never spoke to him. I did however see him at the wedding. That’s it.

How do I feel about this? This question has come up more times that I can account for. How do I feel? Am I mad that he ‘left’? Naw. I’m over that. As my mom says “that’s like beating a dead horse.” He wasn’t the greatest father to the oldest kids anyway, I knew I never missed out. My half-siblings have always kept me up-to-date on how they’re doing, marriages, babies, and other life things, but we never ever talked about Bill. Well, in 2006 my sister called to tell me Bill was diagnosed with colon cancer. The boys (his youngest) noticed a change in his bathroom habits and confronted him about it. He started chemo, did well…it came back. Started chemo, did well…it came back. Repeat this several times. As of Saturday my sister texted me and said the chemo is no longer working and the cancer has spread throughout his midsection – entire colon, and now liver and lungs (his 40 years of smoking didn’t help this, I’m sure). He’s 52 now.

And now, to tie it all together: Bill is going to die. I don’t know how to feel about it or deal with it. The ultimate question is ‘do I want to meet him’?? If I do: Why? Helll, if I don’t: Why? Do I want to meet him b/c I want to know him? Do I want to meet him so I don’t regret not meeting him later in life? Do I not want to meet him b/c I’m angry at him? Do I not want to meet him in fear that I’ll like him and he’ll just die? What the F*** am I feeling?! What the F do I do?! My dad is going to die and I don’t know how to handle it.

Oh, not to mention I'm finishing my masters degree in 7 weeks. I'm having other family issues. And I still have *life* to deal with!

H.E.L.P. M.E.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRISHM1061 3/17/2010 8:17AM

  I would take time for myself to pray with an open heart and mind. Listen to the inspiration you feel and receive. There is no right or wrong answer. Only you and God can help you.
I can understand your fear.
Remember F E A R means Face Everything And Recover or F____ Everything And Run!
You are in my prayers and thoughts as you overcome this struggle.
Best Wishes emoticon

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PUDLECRAZY 3/17/2010 5:36AM

    I am so sorry not to have long to respond this morning and that my response will be short. I honestly believe that the answer is in your heart - trust it. Give yourself a little quiet reflection time; you will know what you need to do. There is no 'right' answer that you can get from others on this one.

I know this is very hard stuff,

((((Big Hugs)))))


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CDGOLDILOCKS 3/17/2010 1:08AM

    You have already been given some great advice.

I asked this question about a bio child meeting a bio parent to a psychologist I know. He said that the child should ask themself this question: What do you hope to accomplish by opening up communications to your bio parent? That is a question you really need to think about. However, I do have to wonder why your bio father never approached you at this wedding.

I am a mother. I have two children. My oldest child's bio father and I split up when she was 18 months old. He has not seen her since. As a mother, I fear for you. I fear that you will open yourself up to be vulnerable to a bio dad who has not acted like a father. I truly believe actions, or lack thereof, mean a lot.

I am also a nurse. I don't have a crystal ball, but someone with cancer like he has doesn't live long. 6 weeks to 6 months tops. He may lose his ability to even recognize people he has known all his life. He may become delusional, saying things he doesn't mean. I have heard 70 year old grandmothers curse their grandchildren. It is the illness. You may not get the answers you seek or have any kind of relationship even if you both wanted one.

With regard to your fear of death, illness, axe murderers....I want to ask you this: Have you considered perhaps that it may be the lack of control you fear? Maybe you could think about a time in your life where you felt as if you had no control. Just something to think about.

I am normally not this blunt to an entire stranger, unless they ask for advice. I believe in honesty and compassion, and I call it as I see it. Whatever decision you make, do it quickly. Your bio dad is going to die soon.

I am sorry for your stress and your pain.

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GEEMAWEST 3/17/2010 12:07AM

    Oh My, I really feel for you. My husband went through something very similar. Except he is the oldest of "Larry's" 4 kids and when Larry got really sick and they expected him to die, the hospital somehow tracked down my husband who hadn't seen his "bio father" since he was 4 yrs old. So it was put upon my husband to make all these decisions for this person he didn't even know. It ended up being quite comical because Larry owned a truck that my husband signed over to a mechanic that Larry owed money too. My husband also got rid of Larry's apartment and most of his other possessions. Lo and behold, Larry had a miraculous recovery and got pissed off that my husband did the things he did. Larry went back to his heavy drinking and has never bothered to contact my husband again. We don't know to this day if he is dead or alive.

If you decide to meet this person, just don't expect anything in return. Then you should be OK. If you expect any kind of relationship or closure, don't go, because there is no guarantee. This may sound harsh, but you said "my dad is going to die...." He is not your dad, your stepfather is your dad. He is your biological father, a sperm donor. Anyone can do it.

Your masters if very important. Don't let this screw it up!

Hugs, Cheryl

Good Luck to you in whatever you decide.

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CARTOONB 3/16/2010 11:44PM

    Try asking yourself. what is the worst that can happen if I meet him? What is the best thing that can happen if I meet him? Then ask the same thing if you don't meet him. Which scenario is most palatable to you?

Or, another trick I do, flip a coin. Heads you meet him, tails you don't. No matter how it lands, your immediate reaction to that "decision" will tell you more than all the soul searching in the world.

Good luck. If you want to vent or rant and rave, I'm hear to listen. Sorry, don't have a psychiatrist on hand!

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NANCY-GIRL 3/16/2010 9:40PM

    I would ask myself 3 things: 1) What would be different about life than it is now if you met him? 2) Is the only reason you want to see him b/c he's dying? Did you want to see him when he was living? 3) Has he made any attempt to meet you? (OK, that's technically 4 questions, I think)

But then again, I'm a completely different person. I avoid stuff; you confront it head-on. And that's a good thing ... most of the time. There are people I don't want in my life, but they think they belong here, smack dab in the middle of my business, just b/c we share a father, but not a life. But that's another story for another blog.

You gotta do what's right for you, sweet one. And don't let anybody tell you that you made the wrong one!

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SHERRA134 3/16/2010 8:53PM

  I know I don't know you, nor have we ever talked. I am new to this site and just happened on your blog. My husband is kind of in this same situation however his dad is not dying...yet. It's like I told him He is your biological father. Your stepfather will always be your "dad" for he is the one that was always there for you. With that being said I think that it is perfectly normal for you to have all the questions you have. Some of which are curiosity and some that are anger. Unfortunately you have been put in a tough situation in that you have to make a decision quickly on which direction you are going to go--meet him or not. If you decide to meet him you will have the opportunity to ask him all the questions you've wondered for the past 22 years. If you decide not to meet him you will have to live with the wonder of what those answers might have been had you taken the opportunity that you are being given to ask. Only you know your situation and only you can make the decision. Whatever it will be you need to make a decision for colon cancer is a fast growing cancer and you are running out of time. Whenever I can't make a decision I look to god for the answer and go with my gut instinct. Listen to your gut, For it will not be written on the wall. Good Luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

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Healthy Lifestyle Survey

Sunday, March 14, 2010

1. What did you eat for breakfast?
**Pizza hut pizza (yeah, lets not talk about this)

2. How much water do you drink a day?
**Normally 6 cups, lately I've forced out the 8 and even 10! whoot!

3. What is your favorite workout?
**Duh, none. Playing with my dog and racquetball are the only things that make me happy.

4. What is your favorite fruit?
**Ohh, love them all! Maybe....um.....papa's blueberrys straight off the bush!

5. What is your favorite vegetable?

6. How many calories do you burn a week?
**No clue. Not at all.

7. How many calories do you eat a day?
**My range is 1200 - 1550. I get average of 1548, haha!

8. What are your favorite healthy snacks?
**I don't know any healthy snacks. Fresh fruit? I eat bananas and apples a lot.

9. What do you usually eat for lunch?
**Left overs from dinner.

10. What is usually for dinner?
** Anything: chicken pot pie, stirfry, salad, pork chops, spaghetti, roast, anything. I love all food!

11. What is your favorite body part to strength train?
**Um, none (?)

12. What is your least favorite body part to strength train?
**Any (?)

13. What is your least favorite exercise?
**Anything on a treadmill - BORING

14. What is your favorite exercise?
**Playing w/ Jack or racquetball

15. What are your "bad" food cravings?
**Chocolate. I'm addicted. I accept it. Chocolate. Chocolate.

16. What is your go to workout song?
**I have a lot. How about Michael Jackson's beat it?! ;)

17. Do you take vitamins or supplements?
**I've forgot them for about......4 weeks

18. How often do you eat out?
** Very rarely (more this weekend b/c I was on a mini-vaca). But subway probably once a week, but a restraunt....twice a month, maybe.

19. Do you eat fast food?
**I haven't had fast food since February, 2008!!! YAY!

20. How do you stay motivated?
**Don't yell at me for this, I tell myself I'm fat, and do I want to stay fat forever. The answer is no!!

21. Who is your biggest supporter?
**Josh (read last blog)

22. How much weight have you lost?
**50ish :)

23. How did you determine your goal weight?
**Top weight of my "healthy" range. And its an even, easy number. And I haven't been there for a decade - so why not!

24. Do you have a gym membership?
**I get free gym at my school, and both schools I graduated from :) (and I never, ever go)

25. How often do you work out?
**Absolutely never. I've played racquetball about, eh, 6 times this year. I've walked the dog about 10 times this year. And I"ve done some Strength training exercises about 5 days this year. Go 2010.

26. How did you find Spark?
** :( I can't remember. I think I was watching "the doctors" tv show one day.

27. How much sleep do you get a night?
** I loooove waking at 8:30 am. Whenever I go to bed depends on how much sleep I get. If I have school: 6-6.5 hours. If I don't have school that day: 9-9.5 hours. Love sleep

28. Are you a morning or night workout person?
**Neither. I'm a 8:30 am to 10:30 pm person!

29. Do you have a "cheat" day?
**No, because I never restrict myself ...that'll cause a binge.

30. Do you drink soda?
**I stopped drinking soda when I was 13 (I'm 22 now). I have it occasionally (ginger ale, orange soda or 7up) but very very rarely. I had a sip of pepsi today and my eyes popped out.

31. Do you drink alcohol? How much?
**Meh, once a year or so. Oh, a lot. I had 4 or 5 ameretto sours for my b-day last month and wasn't buzzed at all. I was stone sober. It's weird for how rarely I drink.

32. What is your favorite thing about Spark?
**My AMAZING support system (LOVE YOU ALL!)

33. What do you not like about your body? What do you love about your body?
**I don't like that I am fat. In general, it makes me sad. And I've always hated my body. I actually made a list (and can recite it to you now) about every single feature of my body - from my toe nails to my hair follicles - and what is wrong with them. The only things I can be "okay" with are my right bicep (I can kick your a$$ in arm wrestling) and my thighs (I max out the leg press at the gym).

34. Do you have a workout buddy?
**Josh walks Jack with me :)

35. What is the best thing that has changed about your life since committing to this Healthy Lifestyle?
**How close it has brought Josh and I, and how we work together to eat and be as healthy as we can, together.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRISHM1061 3/16/2010 5:31PM

  I plan to copy your self survey if you don't mind. I think it is a great idea. I will post when I get my completed to busy tonight. emoticon emoticon

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KRZYKAT3 3/16/2010 1:14PM

    great survey - May I borrow it?

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    I'm using this as my own entry today. Thanks for posting this!

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BUTTERFLYROSE1 3/15/2010 5:59PM

    How you stay motivated is similar to how I stay motivated. Tell myself I don't want to be fat and occasionally look at terrible pictures of myself to the point where I could cry. Weird I know.

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Now, if you walk Jake everyday, you will notice an improvement in both lives, your's and Jakes. Plus the fact that you enjoy walking and playing with him.

Hang in there, you're doing a great job! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PUDLECRAZY 3/15/2010 12:58AM

    Ah, pizza for breakfast! One of my personal favs!

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DUTCHIEKIWI 3/15/2010 12:40AM

    Ha! Thanks for sharing....
Pizza for breakfast.... naughty naughty!!!! ;0)

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CARTOONB 3/15/2010 12:00AM

    Mmmmm, Pizza Hut! Yummy! Interesting answers. I wonder how they would change a year from now.

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Ode to my boyfriend

Thursday, March 11, 2010

This blog is entirely designated to my boyfriend, Josh!

He is my support, my strength, my main reason for coming this far!

He supports me on days that I have binged on chocolate and can only have veggies for dinner.

He supports me when I struggle with cooking everyday, and he'll make a healthy dinner.

He supports me by cooking when I'm busy and he tracks all the calories as best as possible.

He supports me when I want to walk the dog, but don't want to go alone :), so he comes.

He supports me by giving up brownies everynight (or cookies or cake) to having just a few pieces of dark chocolate for dessert.

He supports me by telling me how far I've come.

He supports me by telling me I'm beautiful! :)

He supports me by packing my lunch with healthy foods instead of peanutbutter fluffs.

He supports me when I am off the wagon by telling me to hop back on and get in gear!

He supports me 100% all of the time and I cannot thank him enough.

Love you, Joshy! Thank you for being the greatest non-husband ever! ;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SCHENPOSSIBLE 3/14/2010 10:25PM

    My boyfriend has been very supportive in my weight loss journey as well. It's always nice to have a support system, and to have people rooting for you who love you unconditionally. I'm glad you have Josh in your corner!

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Hang in there Josh, be sure to print a copy of this, cause if he's like the rest of us guys,

he'll goof up and wipe the slate clean! LOL

Good for BOTH of you!

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LADYNETTIE 3/12/2010 1:37PM

    I am happy for your wonderful relationship and the fact that he does support you in your healthy lifestyle. It's hard to find guys like that. Congratulations and be happy emoticon

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STLRZGRRL 3/12/2010 11:12AM

    Ode to MY boyfriend:

Where IS he? Huh?

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NEWYORKORCHIDS 3/12/2010 11:09AM

  You're such a brown noser - what do you want?


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SILVERWITCH59 3/12/2010 7:54AM


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DBELLE39 3/12/2010 5:34AM

    Josh rocks! You are so blessed to have such a caring & devoted BF who listens to what you need for your healthy journey. Better hang on to him!

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TRISH106 3/11/2010 10:54PM

    What an ode.
You are so lucky to have a man like Josh. What a friend and love. To stand by and support you in all areas of your life.

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NANCY-GIRL 3/11/2010 4:14PM

    Awww.... {sniffle}{sniffle}{slubber}
You guys are awesome!

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BUTTERFLYROSE1 3/11/2010 2:59PM

    Awww!! How sweet I hopw he reads this.

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MICHELLENRGZED 3/11/2010 12:35PM

    That's so cool that he's so very supportive of you! You're truly blessed because not everyone supports their loved ones. I'm glad that Josh is one of your biggest cheerleaders! :D

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I think one of the best things we can do for people who support us so unconditionally is to make sure they know just how much they are appreciated - and you've done a wonderful job of that!

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KO1215 3/11/2010 11:34AM


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RENEEWOOD1 3/11/2010 11:32AM

    sounds like a very sweet boyfriend. Very awesome that he is so supportive.

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BEACH_BUMM 3/11/2010 11:31AM

    Aww super sweet! emoticon

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ANNE7X7 3/11/2010 11:30AM

    Sounds like you have a great guy! It's always nice to have the support of people around you, and it's great that you realize that!

Keep up your great work!

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Recent Challenges

Thursday, March 11, 2010

This is a two part "challenge" blog.

1) The challenges I'm facing:
In school I lose all boundaries and stress out and eat. Thats it. No way to sugar coat it! This year (2010) I have lost 4 pounds. Ugh. 2.5 months and 4 pounds. Now, time to step it up...which leads to:

2) Challeges on my favorite sparkteam!
We just started a challenge and we get points for doing things right. It's like positive reinforcement for dogs. Sheesh. Anyway - we get 5 points a day for strength training. We get up to 4 points a day for staying in ranges for nutrition and we get 1 point for each cup of water we drink (Go ladies)! Anyway, I think this is going ot get my butt back on track! YAY!

I abso-bloomin-lutely HATE LOSING! No really, I have a problem. Any single game/challege/anything/ANYTHING that is a competition I strive to win. I hate losing.

So, I think challenge number 2 is going to aid me in challenge number 1.

Cheers to 2010 (remember my background photo!)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARTOONB 3/11/2010 11:44PM

    Losing sucks. Good luck!

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