Wednesday, March 17, 2010
This is another non-SP related blog, but mental state influences weight, right?
I have always known I have a case of Obsessive Compusive Disorder. This has never been diagnosed, but I count everything and *must* do things in multiples of four....There are many things I can tell you, but you'd never know if you met me b/c I've mastered hiding it.
Next - my mom and boyfriend always tease me and say that I am a 'food hoarder'. Let me give you some background information: I keep my pantry filled. Yes, filled. Whenever I run out of something, I put it on the grocery list and restock. I often have doubles. My reasoning: I only go to the store once every other week or every third week and I don't want to be missing one ingredient per each recipe I look up! Also, I have two freezers (a chest and an upright). Why? The chest freezer is 100% meat because we purchased a half a pig and quarter cow (yep, we're redneck) and the other freezer is bread, pizza, and frozen entrees, and other things like that. My normal fridge-freezer is 100% vegetables. Okay, so I have a lot of food. I'm a "food hoarder".
Moving on, yesterdays blog (if you didnt' read it: I had a breakdown...anyway)... a new sparkfriend (Thank you CDGOLDILOCKS!) said it sounds like you want to have control at all times. And when she said that I went "OH, WOW. THATS ME"!
And to tie all three together I was just looking up food hoarding (because it came up....who knows) and guess what three things are super-commonly linked together: OCD, hoarding, and desire for control.
WHOA! I have a group disorder! Haha. I was pretty excited about it. I figure I've kept it in check for 22 years, whats another few til I can afford drugs or therapy, either way - very interesting!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
This blog is going to be long. This blog is going to be completely non-SparkPeople related and at times may be TMI or too personal or too deep. With that being said: if you do not feel you are close enough to me I don’t expect you to read it all, but I’m very open to anyone reading it and giving me your feelings/thoughts/opinions….and if you have a psychiatrist, just forward this to them and hope they can help me! :)
In order to get to the real question of this blog, you need a lot of background material, a whole life worth to be exact.
Death. I don’t know what this is. Why? In my entire 22 years I have lost a great-great aunt and two cats (one of which I don’t remember at all). The only thing I remember about my aunt’s death is I was around 7 or 8 and thought it would be cool to touch her. It wasn’t. Well, it was “cool” because she was stone-cold and it freaked me out beyond belief.
My family consists of my gram and papa, their five kids (and 3 spouses) and a total of five grandkids. We are *ridiculously* close. Ridiculously. We love each other more than any other family I have ever met. We spend minimum of two Sundays a month ALL together (minus one grandkid that lives in TX). We call each other everynight – all of us – for random things. We call just because it’s 9 pm and we hadn’t talked that day. My grandmas siblings are also close – there are five of them, and all of their descendants that we’re very close with. We have a family reunion every five years in which 80+ people get together…and…are you ready? Not just for a day picnic, we have a reunion for a week. A week long. We borrow campers and tents and tables and chairs and we have themed reunions. Again, I reiterate: We Are Close! And no one – none of these people, no great aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins, no one has ever died. I have absolutely no clue what death is.
An interesting point to make is I have a *FEAR* of death, but at the same time a complacency about it. My fear: I have extreme paranoia. I check behind doors and curtains for “murders”, if I speed I only thing about dying in a wreck, whenever anyone has to fly I think of it crashing, whenever someone is sick I think about how they’ll die, if someone is old: death. I mean, I think about it all the time, everyday. But, my complacency with it, is I’m not afraid of death in itself, I’m afraid of when/how it will come. Oh, additionally, because I think of death so much, I CONSTANTLY think about when I die what will be my last _____(insert anything here), like my last word, my last phone call, my last song on my ipod. My main thing is my last word. I will not, CAN NOT, hang up the phone without telling my family members that I love them. If I hang up without telling them I love them I get near panic attacks b/c “what if I/they die before I say it again”.
Alright, now that you get my background glimpse…. Let us travel into Emily’s other crazy world. I was raised an only child. My momma raised me well and I loved every minute of my life! (My step dad has been in my life since I was 8 years old. He is my dad, I just call him Chet. :)) My ‘dad’, Bill, left when my mom got pregnant. At a young age I learned about my three older siblings (of Bills, I’m my moms only). I met two of them and kept in vague contact throughout the years. At the ripe age of 13 my oldest bro was getting married, and I was invited to the wedding. At this time I found out, holy crap, I have three younger siblings (Bill went on to have three more! 7 of us total). Okay…..oh, I suppose the most important thing to write here is this: I have never met him. I never met Bill. I have never spoke to him. I did however see him at the wedding. That’s it.
How do I feel about this? This question has come up more times that I can account for. How do I feel? Am I mad that he ‘left’? Naw. I’m over that. As my mom says “that’s like beating a dead horse.” He wasn’t the greatest father to the oldest kids anyway, I knew I never missed out. My half-siblings have always kept me up-to-date on how they’re doing, marriages, babies, and other life things, but we never ever talked about Bill. Well, in 2006 my sister called to tell me Bill was diagnosed with colon cancer. The boys (his youngest) noticed a change in his bathroom habits and confronted him about it. He started chemo, did well…it came back. Started chemo, did well…it came back. Repeat this several times. As of Saturday my sister texted me and said the chemo is no longer working and the cancer has spread throughout his midsection – entire colon, and now liver and lungs (his 40 years of smoking didn’t help this, I’m sure). He’s 52 now.
And now, to tie it all together: Bill is going to die. I don’t know how to feel about it or deal with it. The ultimate question is ‘do I want to meet him’?? If I do: Why? Helll, if I don’t: Why? Do I want to meet him b/c I want to know him? Do I want to meet him so I don’t regret not meeting him later in life? Do I not want to meet him b/c I’m angry at him? Do I not want to meet him in fear that I’ll like him and he’ll just die? What the F*** am I feeling?! What the F do I do?! My dad is going to die and I don’t know how to handle it.
Oh, not to mention I'm finishing my masters degree in 7 weeks. I'm having other family issues. And I still have *life* to deal with!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
1. What did you eat for breakfast?
**Pizza hut pizza (yeah, lets not talk about this)
2. How much water do you drink a day?
**Normally 6 cups, lately I've forced out the 8 and even 10! whoot!
3. What is your favorite workout?
**Duh, none. Playing with my dog and racquetball are the only things that make me happy.
4. What is your favorite fruit?
**Ohh, love them all! Maybe....um.....papa's blueberrys straight off the bush!
5. What is your favorite vegetable?
6. How many calories do you burn a week?
**No clue. Not at all.
7. How many calories do you eat a day?
**My range is 1200 - 1550. I get average of 1548, haha!
8. What are your favorite healthy snacks?
**I don't know any healthy snacks. Fresh fruit? I eat bananas and apples a lot.
9. What do you usually eat for lunch?
**Left overs from dinner.
10. What is usually for dinner?
** Anything: chicken pot pie, stirfry, salad, pork chops, spaghetti, roast, anything. I love all food!
11. What is your favorite body part to strength train?
**Um, none (?)
12. What is your least favorite body part to strength train?
13. What is your least favorite exercise?
**Anything on a treadmill - BORING
14. What is your favorite exercise?
**Playing w/ Jack or racquetball
15. What are your "bad" food cravings?
**Chocolate. I'm addicted. I accept it. Chocolate. Chocolate.
16. What is your go to workout song?
**I have a lot. How about Michael Jackson's beat it?! ;)
17. Do you take vitamins or supplements?
**I've forgot them for about......4 weeks
18. How often do you eat out?
** Very rarely (more this weekend b/c I was on a mini-vaca). But subway probably once a week, but a restraunt....twice a month, maybe.
19. Do you eat fast food?
**I haven't had fast food since February, 2008!!! YAY!
20. How do you stay motivated?
**Don't yell at me for this, I tell myself I'm fat, and do I want to stay fat forever. The answer is no!!
21. Who is your biggest supporter?
**Josh (read last blog)
22. How much weight have you lost?
23. How did you determine your goal weight?
**Top weight of my "healthy" range. And its an even, easy number. And I haven't been there for a decade - so why not!
24. Do you have a gym membership?
**I get free gym at my school, and both schools I graduated from :) (and I never, ever go)
25. How often do you work out?
**Absolutely never. I've played racquetball about, eh, 6 times this year. I've walked the dog about 10 times this year. And I"ve done some Strength training exercises about 5 days this year. Go 2010.
26. How did you find Spark?
** :( I can't remember. I think I was watching "the doctors" tv show one day.
27. How much sleep do you get a night?
** I loooove waking at 8:30 am. Whenever I go to bed depends on how much sleep I get. If I have school: 6-6.5 hours. If I don't have school that day: 9-9.5 hours. Love sleep
28. Are you a morning or night workout person?
**Neither. I'm a 8:30 am to 10:30 pm person!
29. Do you have a "cheat" day?
**No, because I never restrict myself ...that'll cause a binge.
30. Do you drink soda?
**I stopped drinking soda when I was 13 (I'm 22 now). I have it occasionally (ginger ale, orange soda or 7up) but very very rarely. I had a sip of pepsi today and my eyes popped out.
31. Do you drink alcohol? How much?
**Meh, once a year or so. Oh, a lot. I had 4 or 5 ameretto sours for my b-day last month and wasn't buzzed at all. I was stone sober. It's weird for how rarely I drink.
32. What is your favorite thing about Spark?
**My AMAZING support system (LOVE YOU ALL!)
33. What do you not like about your body? What do you love about your body?
**I don't like that I am fat. In general, it makes me sad. And I've always hated my body. I actually made a list (and can recite it to you now) about every single feature of my body - from my toe nails to my hair follicles - and what is wrong with them. The only things I can be "okay" with are my right bicep (I can kick your a$$ in arm wrestling) and my thighs (I max out the leg press at the gym).
34. Do you have a workout buddy?
**Josh walks Jack with me :)
35. What is the best thing that has changed about your life since committing to this Healthy Lifestyle?
**How close it has brought Josh and I, and how we work together to eat and be as healthy as we can, together.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
This is a two part "challenge" blog.
1) The challenges I'm facing:
In school I lose all boundaries and stress out and eat. Thats it. No way to sugar coat it! This year (2010) I have lost 4 pounds. Ugh. 2.5 months and 4 pounds. Now, time to step it up...which leads to:
2) Challeges on my favorite sparkteam!
We just started a challenge and we get points for doing things right. It's like positive reinforcement for dogs. Sheesh. Anyway - we get 5 points a day for strength training. We get up to 4 points a day for staying in ranges for nutrition and we get 1 point for each cup of water we drink (Go ladies)! Anyway, I think this is going ot get my butt back on track! YAY!
I abso-bloomin-lutely HATE LOSING! No really, I have a problem. Any single game/challege/anything/ANYTHING that is a competition I strive to win. I hate losing.
So, I think challenge number 2 is going to aid me in challenge number 1.
Cheers to 2010 (remember my background photo!)
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