Thursday, January 17, 2013
I forgot how much working out HARD wears me out. This is kind of a problem because for me personally, I only maintain motivation to lose weight if I have a combination of strict diet and tough exercise. If I don't incorporate intense exercise into my routine, I'm less likely to make healthy eating choices and more likely to fall off the wagon. I like exercising, especially the feeling of accomplishment I get when I'm done. I would really like it if exercise gave me energy like it is supposed to, but often times that is not the case! The past two days I have felt like a zombie at work and have had trouble focusing, partly due to the fact that I have been so sore and it's hard to move, but mainly due to my feeling like I want to go lie down in a corner and take a nap!
I've tried to figure out what else may be affecting this - I make sure to get plenty of sleep, I eat a clean diet, drink plenty of water... I even went to my doctor to have a physical and bloodwork performed to determine if there is an underlying biological cause to my tiredness. The doctor couldn't find anything and suggested my working out may be the only culprit, which sucks for me because I can't convince myself to ease up or cut back on working out at all.
I know I didn't sleep well last night so I'm going to try to get to bed early tonight and make sure I get a good 8 hours of rest. I just hope I fall asleep swiftly, I tend to lie in bed for quite some time before sleep eventually claims me. There's a lot on my plate right now and I admit I'm pretty stressed. I'm hating my job and having absolutely no luck finding a new one. I decided to take this semester off from grad school to focus on finding a job, and completing my weight loss goals - I haven't told my parents that I'm taking a break though, and I'm stressed about their reaction. I'm living at home with them again, which is stressful in itself! I have an opportunity to move in with a really awesome girl, but she is waiting on the OK from her landlord to get a roommate and it's been almost a week so I'm getting nervous that those plans will fall through. Even if I do get to move in with this girl, which would be so nice, it would be pretty pricey and I'm already anticipating financial strain. All these thoughts keep running together over and over in my mind and they are dragging me down, and I wish I could just let go and trust in myself and God's plan/destiny to lead me to the right place.
I'll admit that I am also really struggling with eating well right now. I've been doing great so far but the cravings and temptations I keep coming across are almost unbearable! I used to be able to look past sweets and junk food and automatically go for healthier options, but over the past several days it has been a battle and I have had to constantly remind myself to keep the eye on the prize. This mental struggle is also exhausting and I am optimistic that after I stick to these good habits for a couple more weeks I'll start to feel better.
Time to finish some laundry and then wind down before bed. Goodnight all!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
This is my third night of being back on track and so far I'm feeling pretty good! I started Insanity yesterday, did the fit test which was hard in itself and added on a quick 20-minute upper body strength training workout when I was finished. I woke up this morning feeling SORE and wondering how on earth I was going to complete the first legit Insanity workout, which is twice as long as the fit test.
Luckily I was off work today so I woke up, took my time in eating breakfast and getting ready, took some ibuprofen to help with my soreness and settled into a nice routine before I worked out. The actual workout was so tough, way tougher than anything I am used to. I have been a pretty big Jillian Michaels devotee, and while I do still like her workouts and credit those for helping me lose over 80 lbs., Insanity definitely kicks it up a notch. The problem with Jillian's workouts is that the majority of them are quick so my endurance is not where it should be. I'm hoping Insanity will take care of that.
I was hoping to get in a run today but when I was done my legs were spent and my body was really hurting so I decided to hold off until tomorrow. I'm going to do my best to wake up and get a run in before work tomorrow morning. I am feeling so motivated right now, I've recently discovered Pinterest and have spent the last two days pinning new workout ideas, healthy recipes, and motivational quotes/pictures! It has been a huge help in keeping me focused!
My boyfriend is sick and is having a tough time at work so I decided to bake him some muffins that I'll probably take over to his place sometime tomorrow. One reason we click so well is that we've both lost a lot of weight and are pretty health conscious, so I found a semi-healthy pumpkin spice muffin recipe and subbed the spice cake mix for carrot cake (his favorite - which also happens to be mine!). I also added some walnuts and raisins to the mix, which I'm hoping made it better and not worse. I had ONE muffin, just to test the batch out, and they're okay... not quite as moist or sweet as the pumpkin spice muffins I made in the past but that's probably because this time I used pure pumpkin and last time I used pumpkin pie filling. I made a second batch and slightly changed it up by adding applesauce and pumpkin spice, which made them more moist but for whatever reason the first batch just tasted better. I had just a bite of a muffin from the second batch and was going to give the remainder to my mom but she didn't want it. I went to the kitchen with my muffin and was telling myself to throw it out and not eat it when I dropped it on the floor - problem solved with that temptation! :)
I actually wasn't really tempted by anything bad all day. I ate well, even logged my calories and was just under my daily goal by the end. I had a couple of really yummy english muffin pizzas for dinner! Those + a hearty serving of green beans came out to just under 350 cals and they were really delicious. Had a Quest protein bar after dinner because I was craving chocolate and I figure my body needs some extra protein to recover. I need to be careful with eating too many of those, while they are pretty good for you they are also pretty pricey and I can't necessarily afford to keep buying them.
I'm feeling pretty great right now, am very focused and feeling excited about the weeks to come. I'm praying that this feeling sticks with me. I have decided that by March/April, when it will be pretty warm in this area, I want my body to be ready for a swimsuit! I expect there will be plenty of opportunities to go tubing and swimming with my boyfriend and his group of friends and I'm tired of feeling self conscious about going to places where I have to bare so much skin. I've spent so many years turning down fun times at the beach because I've felt bad about the way I look and I'm done with that, I'm ready to start living and enjoying my youth while I still have it. While I don't think I'll ever be comfortable wearing a bikini (stretch marks, ugh) I think I can tone the rest of my body and reach a healthy level of fitness and be able to wear a cute one-piece that does me justice! If Insanity doesn't get my body ripped, I really don't know WHAT will.
I'm off to bed, looking forward to a new day tomorrow. Loving this cold weather but hoping it will not be so cold I can't get out and run!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Alright, folks! I decided that enough is enough and I'm ready to lose the rest of this weight that just will not go away. I ordered Insanity online and am starting TOMORROW. The next two months are going to be so tough, but I'm hoping in the end all my hard work will pay off.
I don't know what my problem is lately. I was doing so well for months, and then ever since I got back from my vacation after Thanksgiving it's like I'd have a really good day, and then all of a sudden I would feel overwhelmed by this sudden urge to binge and I'd find myself eating way too much food that is just terrible for me. Binging feels physically comforting the first 5-10 minutes, but then all of a sudden you're way too full and your stomach hurts and your self esteem drops and you're just left feeling awful. Every time I finish I take a mental snapshot of how crappy I'm feeling and say to myself "you see why doing this is bad? Remember how this feels the next time you run to the grocery store to grab junk food!" Still, I've been falling back into the same bad habits with binging and I'm tired of hurting myself and letting myself down.
With that being said, I'm hoping that by changing up my workout routine and tweaking my calorie consumption I'll be able to find success once again. I'm doing the Insanity fit test tomorrow, which I watched through today and MAN it looks exhausting! And to think, it's just a test! The program came with a nutrition guide that is actually pretty helpful, much better than the one that came with Jillian Michaels Body Revolution. It helped me calculate how many calories I should eat to lose weight while on the program and has tons of meal options that are actually realistic for me to make and eat. Nothing too fancy or too expensive, just my style! For a while I had been skipping my midmorning snack, but since I'm upping my calories again I'm going to add that back into the mix. Overall I'll probably eat close to 1600 calories a day, spread out between three meals, two snacks and MAYBE something extra after dinner if I have the calories left to "spend."
Insanity is a lot of cardio and my boyfriend recommended I incorporate a few days of heavy lifting into my routine as well. He also suggested I keep up with running a few days a week, although I'm a little doubtful that I'll be able to find the time + energy to do Insanity on a daily basis + running/lifting! I figure it's worth a shot though, I may also try to wake up and get part of it out of the way in the morning and come home after work and finish up the other half.
I feel like my current plan is really ambitious, but I really don't know any other way. I find that whenever I work out hard I am much more likely to eat clean and avoid binging. I really want to do this, SO badly. I figure I'll have my boyfriend help keep me accountable, other than doing this for myself I have to admit he is a big motivator for me as well. I'm still very happy with him and feel so fortunate to have found such a great guy, and I want to be the very best person I can be for him too.
Time for me to head off to bed so I can rest up for my fresh start tomorrow! I am so motivated right now, I just hope this motivation carries through and stays with me for longer than a day. I've been struggling so much and I'm done struggling, I want to start thriving again. Until tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
It's New Year's Eve and what am I doing? Hanging out on the couch at my parents' house, watching old episodes of Friends and drinking some champagne solo. A lot of people my age are out having fun and ringing in the new year, but at the same time I know there are plenty of my other peers who are doing something similar to what I'm doing. In the past I might have felt bad about staying in on New Year's Eve, but honestly I'm exhausted, I want nothing more to be in my PJ's and be lazy, and I'm content with where I'm at.
My life has changed pretty drastically over the past few weeks. I met someone amazing and just started a brand new relationship. It's been about two years since I've had an actual, serious boyfriend, and I am so incredibly happy to have found this person. I'll admit I have been looking for someone special for probably the last six months, and I was getting frustrated about the guys I had been meeting, how nothing was working out and nothing felt right. I was just about to call it quits when I met this guy a few weeks ago and he totally blew me away. He is SUCH a catch and I have absolutely loved spending time with him! Part of me still feels like I'm dreaming and that at any moment I'll wake up and realize none of this is happening, but as time goes on I'm starting to see this is actually reality!
This relationship is so different from what I'm used to, in such a good, positive way. My new boyfriend has already introduced me to his friends and his parents, which is kind of crazy to me because I feel like a lot of guys put that off for as long as possible. He actually wants me around and it seems like the majority of his free time he has he asks me to be with him. If he wasn't working tonight I know I would be with him, and while it's a bummer he's working on New Year's I know his next day off we will most likely spend together. Whenever we are together, whether it be in the privacy of the home or outside in public, he's not afraid to touch me, hold onto me, hug me, kiss me, etc. To top it all off he is such a kind, down-to-earth person and he is SO good-looking! I can't STOP looking at it him when we're together, it's ridiculous! He's so humble too and has no clue how cute he is, which I suppose is a good thing. Like me, he's also lost a lot of weight (a GREAT thing for us to have in common!) so I am guessing he's just not used to the way he looks.
Speaking of weight loss... I have totally fallen off the wagon. :( While I have been really, deliriously happy about my new relationship, I've felt a lot of anxiety about it (up until recently) which I think has caused me to binge and make poor eating choices. It's weird because whenever I'm with my boyfriend I'm fine - we are both pretty health conscious so it's easy to make smart choices and keep myself in check when he's around. In fact, I very rarely have an appetite when I'm with him and often have to force myself to eat, which is kind of weird. However, the second I leave him I am driven to go eat awful food and I can't seem help myself. I am pretty sure that this is directly related to the fact that I have been so anxious about this guy, so unsure about what would happen and I know I am an emotional eater so a lot of these negative emotions and all the uncertainty has caused me to overeat. I feel so bad afterwards and the guilt is overwhelming, I know I need to stop. In fact, I absolutely WILL stop. Today was my last "bad" day, I'm enjoying some champagne tonight and then tomorrow I am officially back on the wagon. I'm going to wake up, get my work out on, and eat mindfully once again. I am so close to my goal and really only need to lose another 15-20 lbs., I KNOW I can do this. I just need to stay focused and let go of my anxiety, especially now that this guy and I are officially together and I don't need to worry about losing him. ;)
I decided I'm going to try Insanity and hopefully lose the majority of my last pounds over the course of two months on that program. I am not going to follow the eating plan at all, that's just crazy - but I know pretty much exactly what I need to eat to lose the weight. I am looking so much better and feeling pretty good about myself, and it helps that my boyfriend is on board with this and he's actually doing his own program to ditch his last 10 lbs. so we can work through this together. He actually suggested when we finish we celebrate by taking a weekend trip to New Orleans, which I think will be great motivation for both of us. I just need to STICK to this, no more emotional eating, no more cheat days - I am 80 lbs. down and so much closer to my goals, I deserve to reach them and feel happy about myself and reach a whole new level of health and personal fitness. I can do this!
I'm going to try and complete 60 full days of a a fitness and healthy eating streak to help keep me on track. That means 60 straight days of exercise (although one of those days will be pretty light to count for rest) and 60 straight days of healthy eating and no cheats. I'll allow an occasional beer/glass of wine, but I will be prepared with protein bars and healthy snacks in my purse should I be in a situation where it will be hard to stick to my diet. This starts TOMORROW - January 1, 2013. I'm excited for what the next couple of months will bring for me, both in regards to my health and fitness goals and also concerning my new relationship. Life is looking good right now, it's up to me to make it even better. :) I hope all my fellow Sparkers have a happy, safe new year!
Sunday, December 09, 2012
I had a really bad day calorie wise. ALL day I was good, up until the very end. I baked a bunch of cookies (recipe found on sparkrecipes.com!) and took them home and ate a lot... I'm not even going to guess how many. But it's ok! I'm done with that. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll do much better.
Despite the mess-up calorie-wise, I'm feeling really great. Had a great day - woke up earlyish, worked out, had a lunch date (no love connection, but it was alright), hung out at my parents' house, got a lot done! Tonight is where things got amazing.
I've been doing the whole online dating thing lately, which has been interesting. On Thursday I went out with a new guy for the first time. Turns out he lives in my neighborhood which was kind of a crazy coincidence! We met at a nearby bar for happy hour, and when I first came across him I was kind of in disbelief. When you meet people online, you don't always have a good idea of what they look like. Guys in particular seem to be terrible about posting pictures that really look like them - I feel like a lot of them just post AWFUL pictures! This guy was no exception. His pics weren't terrible, but I didn't have a really good idea of what he looked like. Needless to say I was pretty surprised when I came up to this really good-looking guy and it turned out to be the one I was meeting! He was so cute! He was so cute I was nervous the entire time I was there, and I kept trying to keep myself in check and make sure I wasn't acting like a total fool.
I think things went pretty well because before I knew it, 4 hours had passed by. I pulled out my phone to check the time and it was well past midnight! I had to work early the next day and had not anticipated staying out quite so late. In all of my online dating experiences, this has never happened! First time meet-ups usually last a couple of hours at most. I really enjoyed talking to him, we seem to have a lot of similar interests, and it kind of sucked to leave because I felt like there was so much more I could talk to him about.
This whole meeting was awesome, but at the same time it kind of reinforced the fact that my self-esteem is still pretty low. I left feeling good, feeling happy about meeting a good guy - but at the same time, I immediately thought "eh, I'm probably not this guy's type." I'm happy with the progress I have made, but I couldn't shake the thought that he is just out of my league. I wasn't expecting to hear back from him, but the next day he texted me and we talked back and forth for quite a bit. He asked me when I would be free to hang out again and I almost did a double take. For whatever reason, I couldn't believe that he really wanted to see me again.
This is something that I need to work on. I think I have made a lot of progress in loving and accepting myself, but for some reason I still feel like others will not be accepting of me. Tonight proves that that is not the case. This guy had plans with his friends tonight - I was aware of that and was not expecting to see him. I was hanging out at my mom's house, baking cookies and watching TV when I heard from him and he invited me to go out with him and his friends! They were celebrating somebody's birthday and were going to go out to a popular area of town where all the bars are at. Normally I would not go by myself, I'm terrified of driving out there alone and the bars are so crowded and I really would have preferred to go with a friend. But I really DID feel something for this guy, whether it be just a physical attraction or something more - I'm not sure yet. So I told him "sure! I'll come out with y'all!" and I got in my car and headed that way.
This is a HUGE step for me. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this. The "old" me would have not gone because I didn't have a friend available to go with me. But I went by myself, fought for a parking spot, made my way to a bar I had never been to before, and met him and his friends. And I had an AWESOME time. This guy is great!!! He is so much fun, so genuine, so easy to talk to, plus to top it off his friends were so welcoming and nice! We actually went two-stepping, which I haven't done in years! I am an embarrassingly bad dancer and in normal circumstances where I am in a situation and know no one, I would NOT get on the dance floor, but he was so encouraging and kind I couldn't help but follow him out on the dance floor. This guy made me feel so comfortable with him, and I felt like I was someone he was actually proud or happy to be with. He would take my hand and hold onto it, put his arm around me, lead me out to the dance floor and sing the lyrics to EVERY song to me (adorable). I have not felt anything like this in such a long, long time, and it felt so great to be with him.
My last serious boyfriend was not good for me. I also felt like he was really attractive, very intelligent, really "out of my league." We dated for two years and he didn't once introduce me to his friends, which led me to feel that he was ashamed of me. The fact that this guy invited me out to hang out with his friends, after only meeting me once, makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. He walked me back to my car, followed me home and made sure I got there in one piece, told me he had so much fun and couldn't wait to do it again - this all just makes my heart feel so full and wonderful. It's so early, I don't know if anything will come from this, there's still a lot to learn about him and there is a lot he has to learn about me. Regardless, this is a GREAT start and this is doing wonders for my self-esteem. I have gone on quite a few dates with several different guys lately, and while some have gone well enough, this was definitely something special. I felt a real sense of belonging, and I am so full of optimisim right now and I very much hope that things keep going well with this guy.
Anyway, like I said - horrible day calorie wise. I will do better tomorrow though, so I'm not too concerned. The scale was very nice to me this week - 3 lbs. gone in 6 days! Not sure what spurred that but I'm not going to complain. Aside from the weight loss, everything else is just awesome. Life is good. I am blessed. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings for me.
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