ELLAREE57   4,293
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do you ever feel you just don't belong?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I always thought before it was just the weight...now the weight is gone and I still feel I don't belong. I have a hard time making friends. it is hard for me to let people in to see who I really am. I always feel I won't to good enough, smart enough keep my house well enough, cook good enough and the list goes on and on. I could always hide behind the weight. Anything I do I try to drag someone else into it. I don't care if its a painting class an exercise class or a financial class....but only the people in my family the ones who already know me and accept me. This week I signed up for a class and could not find any one to go with me........i hesitated and waited to the last minute to go. Why am I so afraid of people and there judging of me. This is nothing new, this has been going on my whole life. Well I survived I did go, I spoke very little words with anyone there and I'm sure that makes me look like I am a snob, but really I'm not I'm just intimidated by everyone over stupid stuff like I mentioned. Please how do I let go and let people really see me and accept they might not like me. I am a people pleaser and it bothers me. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I know this is not normal I think it has something to do with my upbringing, my sisters have the same problems of making friendships and it feels uncomfortable letting people from the outside in. I am from a large family. You would think it would be easy, I am the oldest. I really thought after losing all my weight I wouldn't have this problem. If you have any advice please share...thanks

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSBETH 1/18/2012 10:38AM

    Welll... apparently... I get this trait from you, this is something I have had a problem with forever. LOL... I think you're wonderful mom. You're so funny and I know a ton of people who think you're a wonderful person. I'm glad you went to the class. Want to join a Zumba class with me? lol

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TAMMMIEANN 1/16/2012 12:48AM

I've been there and still often feel those same things about myself.

Congratulations on going to the class! :-) I think the other posters gave great advice.

A couple of things that I'd add would be to pray beforehand and ask God to help you to relax and just be comfortable being there. The baby steps advice sounded great!

You could also try to look for someone else thats alone or looks uncomfortable and talk to them; I'm sure they'd be relieved to have someone approach them.

i just signed up for a few groups on Meetup.com and am asking God for the courage to go to them. Its a website where people look for people with common interests, hobbies, etc. and get together to do/see things. I joined a couple for those that like art and museums, and one for social events like dining out or sports events.

I;m glad you reached out through your blog. :-) Feel free to sparkmail me.

God bless you!
Praying for you!

Tammie emoticon

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KMIRANDA2000 1/15/2012 2:29PM

    No advice, but just know you're not alone.

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PATTYR81 1/14/2012 2:03PM

    Yes, I've felt this way off and on all my life~ How I fight this feeling: Think Baby Steps. My first goal was to just go (like you did- YAY!). Then goal was to look at one person, smile and say 'Hi'. Sometimes just saying 'Hi' breaks the ice and encourages the other person to respond. The next time, my goal was to do this with 2 people, then three, etc. Casual chit-chat stuff is non-threatening and a good opener like- 'Boy it's cold today!'

Keep practicing! My favorite aunt always told me 'Nobody is a stranger'. I keep reminding myself and it helps~

Thanks for posting! You have helped me today!! (I don't normally post- just 'lurk'.) :) emoticon

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VEGGIE_GIRL28 1/14/2012 1:54PM

    I know EXACTLY how you feel! I was brought up Fundamentalist Mormon and so I kinda stood out from the crown just a lil (sarcasm included). lol And not standing out in a good way, like I try to do now. I moved away from my "family" the day I turned 18 but I was absolutely terrified of going anywhere outside the room I shared with another girl in a two bedroom apartment. Every time I went out, even after I adjusted to look "normal" to society, people would stare. I hated it! I kept thinking what was wrong with me...always wondering if they were secretly thinking how dumb I looked, or awkward, or if there was some aspect to society that I just hadn't grasped yet and maybe they were seeing that and thinking how stupid I looked. After a few years of living in this absolute torment, I decided to see a counselor. Among the MANY things she and I discussed, was my fear of other people and what they were always thinking about me.
I'll never forget her answer.
She looked up from her notebook, set her pen down, and said "Well, you really are pretty self-centered, aren't you?"

I was shocked!!! I was the kind of person who was always trying to help! I did lots of service in the community, was getting good grades in school (despite my lack of education) and would literally give the shirt off my back if someone needed it. How was I self-centered???

Then she explained that most people worry about what others think of them but the extent to which I did was obsessive. For me to think that other people think of me so much, whether in a good or negative way, was really pretty self-centered. Most people are concerned with themselves and their lives and really couldn't care less why you are dressed the way you are or acting the way you are unless it interferes with or inhibits their own personal lives. And as for people always looking at me, my councilor brought up something that had never even occurred to me...most of them were probably looking at me because I was looking at them.

Duh! I don't know why I had never thought of that!

She was an amazing councilor and she helped me acclimate to an extent I do not believe I could have done without her.

I know this comment was pretty long, but I just feel for you. I'm sure our reasons for feeling this way stem from different circumstances and experiences, but the feeling is the same and its absolutely hell to live in.

If you ever need to talk, I've been there, and I'm here very nearly every day.


Spark ON!

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ALYSSA40 1/14/2012 1:44PM

    It's probably going to be the scariest thing in the world but just start off by using your new class as an experiment. Periodically, say something. Ask a question or give your idea on whatever the topic may be. Believe it or not, I grew up with a similar complex. I was always the new kid, being a military brat. I worried that I wasn't cute enough or smart enough to belong. Turns out, I've got friends all over the world because I just jumped- feet first!

They won't come to you, so you go to them and believe me when I say this...you will not regret it! Good luck and put your fear in your back pocket. You'll want to look at it and laugh every now and then.

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Life now and then

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

well life sure has changed its hard for me to believe that that was really me. I am scared to death wondering when it will be over. I hear so many horror stories about gaining it all back. I still have all the bad habits of eating junk food. the truth is i can't hardly eat meat but I sure can polish off a bag of candy or cookies. So I still fight the same demons I always have i, its just for now I feel I am cheating him. I guess that's why I am back here because I know everyone here fights with the same demons and I will always need help cuz I cant do it alone. I need encouragement to eat healthy stay active and not to forget where I came from . It has been 2 years since my surgery I have lost 200 lbs. I feel great about it., though sometimes I have my pitty party about all the stuff I am missing out on that I can't eat like sandwiches i cant tolerate bread and it was my favorite..........but each morning I get dressed and have so much fun getting ready for the day wearing the clothes I've dreamed of ,fixing my hair putting on my makeup , deciding what jewelry I will wear and think this feels so much better than any sandwich I've ever ate! SO GET OVER IT .....Enjoy this is what it is about feeling good and being healthy and I am BLESSED....LIFE IS GOOD

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAMMMIEANN 1/16/2012 12:55AM


I just commented on your other blog from Jan. 14 (you know how sparkpeople posts the names of blog entries in the runner along the page edge). I had gastric bypass on 10/5/11.

Congratulations on your weight loss and healthy lifestyle! Way to go! I'm trying to get myself to exercise more often, at the gym and also at home with my Wii. I want to buy a used wii fit board. my niece loaned me a just Dance 2 game also. Love it!

I'm getting ready to head to bed but would love to share victories, encouragement or struggles about living after weight loss surgery.

God bless you,

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the shower is almost here

Thursday, August 25, 2011

My daughter is getting married in October. The family will all be going to Jamaica for her destination wedding! We are all so excited, we have never been and all 4 of my kids will be going. This will be the first vacation we will all have together since they were all kids. I am really looking forward to it. 7 days of pure pleasure! Saturday is the shower and my other 2 daughters and I are doing it here at home. I have been so busy trying to get it all together that I haven't had much time for any thing else. I need things to settle down so I can get a routine for exercise and eating right. Does anyone have a punch recipe that is good for barriatric people....I'm kinda stuck and there will be a few here that would love that as an option instead of water. Hope everyone is enjoying the summer....its almost gone. xoxoxo to all

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KMIRANDA2000 8/26/2011 9:17PM

    You're gonna look fab on the beach in Jamaica!!!

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GARDENCHRIS 8/25/2011 7:17AM

    have fun!

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Well I did it.....I'm FrankenELL

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I kept thinking should I or shouldn't I....well I did. On june 22 I went in and had plastic surgery on my body, tummy, butt, arms, already did the girls in april. Now I'm just healing. The first week was rough, I'm feeling pretty good now. The dr said maybe in a year we can do the inner thighs but who knows if I really will. Lets face it Im 53, I don't care how much they do I can only do so much my body is aging and thats ok. I don't expect perfection. I still can't believe I did it. I will be going back to work in a week, no one knows so lets see if anyone notices....they didnt when I did the girls. I had that done during our spring break and this procedure was done during our summer break. I guess I didn't let anyone know about the surgery cuz sometimes I feel ashamed to think I let myself get the way I was 300+ lbs and I did this to myself. I wanted to look as normal as possible. I have always been able to disguise my flaws by wearing longer sleeves and very covering clothes. The thing I love best is my arms. I love looking at them now and the idea of wearing some short sleeves. I cant wait til aug 4 when I can take off this girdle garment! It gets hot wearing it 24 hrs a day. Maybe I will post some pics later...... emoticon the new FrankenELL

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEKLUN 8/8/2011 3:33PM

    I have been thinking about surgery myself. My husband seems to think that it would be okay if I did one surgery but more would make me some sort of (his words)... Phyliss Diller or Joan Rivers. I thought my arms but when it comes right down to it, for some reason it is my belly flap that bothers me most. I am embarrassed by the flappy arms but for some reason can say, well, it is a result of losing 120 lbs. However when I sit and that excess skins swells over my pants I still feel FAT. I wish I could afford both! I can't wait to see how you look. Your last photos are already spectacular! emoticon

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APRILSHOWER555 7/15/2011 12:33PM

    Your paving the way Ell! I have been thinking of some surgeries to nip and tuck a few loose things! Let me know how the tummy tuck is going...that is probably my biggest concern and my inner thighs! Yikes!!! :)

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KMIRANDA2000 7/15/2011 6:23AM

    I am so happy for you, Ell. I want it soooo badly. I've worked hard to get where I am right now and I know under all this loose saggy skin, there's a toned body. Not afraid of surgery...just at more bills. Did insurance cover anything?

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PGNBRI 7/14/2011 11:26PM

    I would love to see pictures!

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ITGALLO 7/14/2011 6:40PM

    It is very easy to blame ourselves for getting to 300+. I was 331 lbs at the time of my surgery. Insulin really helped get me there. However, you took the initiative and got help. You walk around in that body, so do what you think is best. I feel so grateful for my surgery and new body, mostly that I can move better and feel more energetic. It has only been 6 months, so I will wait for plastic surgery. However, good for you. You took the initiative, lost the weight, and wanted to firm up. You deserve it no matter what your age. emoticon

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    WOW! I am so glad that you did this. Even at your age, we all like to be happy with our bodies. I also plan on doing arms, thighs, girls, and tummy. Yes, PLEASE post some pictures when you heal...before and after if you can. I am especially interested in how your arms look. Good for you!!!!!

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Garden for you...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I planted my vegetable garden today in memorie of my dad. I lost my dad last September. Every year he overseen me make my garden, even when he was sick the last few yrs he would watch and instruct me.(my gosh I'd think...Im 50 yrs old!) Dad grew up in the south and then he had all us city slicker girls(6)and 1 boy. I was always fasinated about his southern life stories he told about taking care of the land and animals. I even tried to live in the country to try it out so I could be like him. This is the 1st time that I don't have him to tell me what to plant and what to do.
As I tilled the ground tears flowed down my face, and I watered each seed I planted with my tear drops. Oh how I miss him. Making a garden this year means so much more because I realize just how much time we spent together and how thankful I am for it.
I Love You Dad and miss you....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEKLUN 7/11/2011 3:36PM

    I lost my dad a year ago in April and it is still so sad. It hits me by surprise whenever something reminds me of him. Somethings I knew would be full of memories others surprise you, but, they are good memories. I feel for you, a year later I still miss my Dad and know how I felt those first months.

HUGS! emoticon

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MSBETH 6/2/2011 10:52AM

    This made me cry!! I love you Mom! We all miss you gramps!!

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CVCASTLE 5/24/2011 11:05PM


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APRILSHOWER555 5/24/2011 7:58PM

    He lives in you..always!
And you make him proud!

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 5/24/2011 3:43PM

    What a beautiful tribute to your father. I hope you have a bountiful harvest from your garden planted with so much love.


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