Monday, July 14, 2014
So, I've been having problems lately. I can't seem to get anything done. I'm losing my thoughts, I feel leaden, and I can't seem to stick to any plan. Today I;ve had 4 servings of Doritos, 5 servings of Oreos, and dinner (chicken with veggies, boxed rice). oh and 4 16 oz coffees. I feel like I'm losing it. I must find something that will help me stay on track. Any thoughts or prayers are gratefully accepted.
Friday, June 27, 2014
So, the past few weeks have been... difficult. My MS has been wonky, I've been trying to complete 4 or 5 projects at once, my son was diagnosed with ADHD, a neural processing disorder, and a moderately severe attachment disorder. Oh, and I have to go in for nerve testing to see if I have developed Carpal Tunnel. I've had to re-evaluate the goals I made for myself and found myself woefully lacking. While I may make two of the goals (getting my license and losing 15lbs) none of the others will be possible. I'm feeling very dejected. It feels like every time there is a positive there are 5 negatives that come with it. I'm trying to figure out where I need to be and what I need to be doing. I visited my doctor today and found out I am O- blood type. to lose my weight she is recommending I go on a Paleo diet as well as a dairy free diet. I just don;t know what to do so it's gonna wait a bit.
Ok, that's out now. I am re-evaluating my goals. Here it goes.
1. Get Permit and Lessons
2. Complete 50,75,100 scholarship apps
3. Lose 15lbs
4. Complete purging project
5. Make and stick to a monthly meal plan
6. Continue my Bible studies
7. Complete Custody paperwork
These goals are attainable. I KNOW #5 is gonna kick my butt but I'm gonna give it a shot. I rode more than 8 miles today on my bike. A secondary goal I have is to be able to ride to school in the Fall. It will be approximately 10 miles both ways (20 a day). I am going to start eating again and do research on the Paleo stuff.
5 positive things I have done
1. Rode 10 miles in a week
2. Got a gym membership started through my insurance
3. Got Ronan interested in word find puzzles
4. Have increased my water intake hugely and decreased my coffee intake
5. Have complete more than 20 scholarship apps
Have a great weekend. Do something fun with someone you love. I'll be sending happy thoughts out.
Thursday, June 05, 2014
So, school is out. I bused my buns to finish last semester with a decent GPA. It was very hard and I know that I let other areas fall way behind. My spark was smothered with Stats. So, I looked at myself at semesters end and about cried. All that hard work in my core conditioning class was wasted because I had stopped eating again. As soon as the temps started to go up, I started breaking down. My speech has been affected, my limbs feel feel like there are electrified ants running all over them, and the fatigue is killing me. Ok, I'm done complaining.
I started this summer with 4 goals.
1. Get my license
2. Get a car
3. Loose 15lbs before school starts
4. Make the trip to Washington to start scoping out the universities
5. Complete 100 scholarship applications before school starts
#1 looks doable, #2 isn't going to happen this summer (but maybe by next summer), #3 is looking doubtful (unless I can start eating again with some regularity), #4 depends on the stipend I'll get from school, and #5 feels like torture because I just can't THINK. It really feels like everything has been pulled from my control and I'm just drifting. I've been staying up through the night because its cool enough I can function. Worst of all, I've brought Ronan along for the ride. He has picked up my nocturnal habits and has shift his sleep cycle to match mine.
Ok, bright side (cause I really need it right now).
1. I actually have goals.
2. I didn't spend my entire food budget in one day.
3. I've gotten 6 scholarships completed.
4. I have been on SP consistently for the last two weeks.
5. I'm planning our future with (I hope) realistic goals and the steps to attain those goals.
I'm not good at the whole positive self talk thing. When I feel like I can't even play with my son because of X,Y, or Z, I feel like a failure. I am failing him and myself. I am trying to focus on one goals (eating) for right now because it's the one only I have control over. Ok, I feel like I was hit by a bus but I still need to be Mom and get of my keister. My disease isn't his fault and I'll be damned if I sit back and let him suffer for it.
Ok Thanks for reading my rant and I hope you all have a great week.
Prayers and happy thoughts.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
To understand what I'm going to write here, I need to lay down some back ground. When I was growing up we didn't have a lot of food. Mostly, we had soda. I remember even if we didn't have milk, or even the fixings for PB&Js, we had Pepsi. Being the oldest, I was the one who went without if there wasn't enough to go around the four kids. When I was moved into foster care, I would gorge myself on everything insight. I would make myself sick. I understand now that it was because I didn't know if I would be fed again in the near future. Fast forward to now. I recently was approved for a student Visa card with a 700 dollar limit. Within a week, the balance was down to less than 100$.
When I shook myself silly and looked at what I had bought, I cried. I had spent 100$ on a trip to the zoo, organizational stuff for the house, some odds and ends (like a new 10lb medicine ball Woohoo!), and nearly 400 on food. Yes, in one week I had spent nearly 300 on food from a grocery store and another nearly hundred on going out. That is on top of the 250 I had already spent this month. When I finally calmed down and stopped hating myself (well, tbh, I haven't gotten there yet) I looked back at my spending history for the last two years and saw that this was a very nasty habit. Every month I spend almost all of our extra money on food, most of which is fresh and goes to waste. It's not always about eating it, it's about HAVING it. I stayed up that night, after my son had gone to bed, and reorganized my pantry. Almost a 1/4 of the canned and boxed goods I had were expired or nearly so. My freezer was packed (I found foods in there from 2011!! Yikes). In a moment of desperation, I started earmarking foods that could go to a friend who has two young children and could use the boost.
It doesn't seem to matter that I have put myself in debt to "feed" this need to buy food. It also doesn't seem to matter that I can't afford the foods we actually need because our food money is gone in 2 days. When I go into a store that sells food, if I don't buy some food item, it feels wrong, uncomfortable, and makes me slightly nauseous. I'm trying to get myself to a better place and this just made everything come to a grinding halt. I've screwed myself with this. Worse? I've brought my son along for the trip. I am going to try some ideas, especially with summer coming up and no school, that might help like once a week shopping, shopping with cash and a calculator, a better list, etc. Wish me luck folks. I really need it.
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