Monday, September 09, 2013
So, I went to bed last night cuddling my Buggy. He pretty much always sleeps with me. I'm ok with it for now. I have no idea what woke me up. Could it have been the smells? Was it the person talking on her cell phone saying "Wow that tree is on fire!" and walking away? Was it that leaden feeling in my chest? Honestly, I don't know. I DO know that at 2:15 this morning I realized my apartment building was on fire. Yes, on fire. I could see ash and live cinders floating past my window. I grabbed the phone in my room, realized I couldn't do anything with a corded phone, ran to the kitchen, grabbed the portable and ran back to my room dialing 911 as I went. Not 5 seconds after I get an operator someone is banging *very loudly* on my door. I tell the operator my apartment is on fire and throw down the phone. I'm running with my pj pants in hand to answer my door. There are 3 sheriff telling me to get out. I stop to put my pants on and yell that my son is sleeping inside. I'm told to get him and get out. Long story short *I know at this point whats the use?* I end up tossing my cats on the patio, grab my phone, and holding my guy, run like heck. Now, it wasn't bad. No damage to the apartments just the awnings and some of the roof. No one was hurt. I was terrified. Bone deep, terrified. I'd left my animals. My home was in harms way *we live right beside the tree that caught fire, it stands against my outside wall.* and to top it off, I left my glasses inside. I'm blind, coughing from the smoke, and holding a frightened 4 yo who is seeing his home burn.
Do you ever wish that just for a little while, you could be the one who can fall apart? The one who sits back and just goes? I'll tell you, at this point, I'm ready to drink..... except all those empty calories!!!!
:) Happy week to you all
Saturday, September 07, 2013
So since my MRI, I've had a migraine and daily head aches. I'm not talking a little pain behind the eyes. I'm talking "Oh dear Lord, please turn down the sun." headaches complete with tears, nausea, and vomiting. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I aid in a class of 2-3 yo's. I want to cry at the thought of the noise levels. The vertigo and nausea are causeing their own set of problems, but those I'm used to. I can handle that. I got my first workout in today in almost 2 weeks. By the end all I can think of was the ocean in my head. My body was shaky but damn it I finished it. I'm frightened of what the doctor is going to find. Undoubtedly new lesions but how many? What am I going to lose next? It's REALLY hard to be positive when I know that what ever news I get is going to be negative. There just is no positive outcome.
I have realized lately that I have been a very negative person. I've looked at my posts and found them a bit scary. You can't tell from these posts that I'm a generally happy person. To the people who read these, thank you. I appreciate that you would slog through my personal drama. I am working on changing my outlook. It's hard though to find a place that I can vent without recrimination but it's something I'm working on. I've taken a step by getting Ronan into services for his hyperactivity. They are going to assess him for the next month or so to find the service that will benefit him the most. They are looking at a possible parent/child therepy, which I am totally ok with. Anything that will decrease the daily fights, power struggles, melt downs, and general stresses that he and I deal with. I am trying Ladies and Gents. If any of you pray, send a little one up for us please. We need all the help we can get.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
So, I went into for an eye exam on Thursday. It was finished a lot quicker than I thought so I bopped on down to where my neurologist is located. After finding out that he wasn't in, I explained some of the problems I've been having to her. The sheer WEIGHT of my fatigue is worrying. Add in the leaden feeling in my limbs and the head aches and I've got some concern. The nurse decided to page my doc and find out what he wants me to do. Well, first was a urinalysis and the second is the MRI I've been unable to get done. He said NOW.... well within the week. No excuses. I called a friend of mine and she'll be taking Ronan (Thank God) as there is no way he can hang out while I get the MRIs done. Adding to this stress is a few other factors. First, school starts again on Monday and I can look forward to 12-15 hour days. Secondly, the urinalysis came back high for white blood cells meaning I've got some kind of infection going on. The meds he prescribed have an odd schedule. 2 hours before a meal or 6 hours after. I'm feeling a bit bogged down. Classes haven't even started yet and I've got homework. I've got my guy who I'm having troubles with. He will be going to see a psychiatrist as he is not sleeping, acting out violently, trying to attach himself to any guy that happens to be in the vicinity, and has started wetting himself again.
I'm trying very hard to be positive. 10 things that are going well for us
1. We're in school!!! Yay!!!
2. Ronan has begun to read small words.
3. I haven't gained weight.
4. I have gained flexibility in my joints.
5. I have lost 5 lbs.
6. I have started to network with people.
7. I have been consistently been cooking good, high quality foods.
8. Ronan ate part of an egg plant.
9. I am confidant that this semester will be another success despite the final no for financial aid.
10. I have been working on a solid monthly budget that will help us get out of debt.
I can. We will.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Well, school starts next monday and I seem to be preemptively not eating as has been the pattern for years. The last few days have been busy and my calorie intake has plummeted. I'm averaging 300-500 under goal. I have to forage at night to get even that high. I'm relly worried that all of my work is going to be undone. I don't feel well so I'm not exercising like I should. I KNOW what is wrong but I can't seem to fix it. /feeling like a failure.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
So, there has been a lot going on in my life this last month or so.
First, my son has begun acting oddly. His behavior has changed rather dramatically. Enough so that I took him to his doctor for a behavioral work up. She spent almost 45 minutes with us, which is huge considering she was the only phsysician on duty at the time. By the time we left she had seen some of the concerning behaviors and we had an urgent request in for a child psychologist. I am afraid he has ADHD. She confirmed her opinion of the hyperactivity but hedged it with "It's not really my specialty." . I am truely at my wits end. As horrible as it is, I can't wait for school to start on the 26th because someone else will be dealing with him. His doctor also feels *and I agree* that some of his acting out is him trying to deal with his father leaving us. We're pushing 2 years now but he's seeing many of his friends fathers and asking, wondering. Hence, the shrink. No matter what, I don't want to medicate him. Before summer, he was just a very very active kid. I'm doing a lot of research on behavior modifications, working on things around the house to help him focus himself, we're working on associating words with feelings and expressing them, lastly I'm trying to work out a new diet for us. There has been lots of research on ADHD children and protein. Higher amounts of protien seem to help some children focus better and control impulsiveness. There are also a number of food dies that parents are shying from including red # something or other. I've been pushing him to be outside more as well. I suppose right now I'm just in the slightly panicked, highly emotional stage.
A direct result of my clashes with Ronan has been my MS flaring horribly. I hurt all the time. Im' nauseated all the time, vertigo, and imbalance have been my constant companions which definitely doesn't not help me with dealing constructively with Ronan. I'm barely hanging on. Here it is 10:30 and I'm rambling.
Take care all.
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