ELISAJANE57   77,475
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ELISAJANE57's Recent Blog Entries

Decisions... I wish I could make up my mind!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I have had a lot of struggles lately. I have even felt some depression creeping in. I'm struggling to find some hope and just hold onto it. I'm lucky my DH puts up with me when I'm such a crazy hormonal mess. The biggest thing really dragging me down is that I have secondary infertility. I never imagined how devastating and heart breaking it would be to find out I can't have anymore kids unless I can afford medical intervention. I starting seeing a doctor in July, after a year of trying on my own. I tried Clomid and injections and ended up with one failed cycle and one cycle that was beyond failure and more like a total disaster. It left me with no hope and a new problem, ovarian cysts. I have never given up on exercise and food tracking but I can not keep my weight under control. I have slowly been gaining weight since the end of Dec 2012. I'm discouraged with my healthy lifestyle and kind of angry with my body.

I need to turn things around with my life again. I was going to start infertility treatments again, but I don't know if I can handle them anymore. It just takes a toll on everything in my life. Maybe the best thing for me in my life right now would be to let this dream go.

I exercise a lot, but maybe too much. I feel like my addiction is getting out of control. The problem is that I haven't been able to get my weight gain under control so I have this paranoia that if I let myself have a rest day that I will gain 10 pounds. So basically, I never take a day off from my workouts.

I need to get back to eating better. I do well in the morning and then kind of lose control every night. I also keep having that stupid mentality that if i wreck my day with one bad high calorie thing that I give up, when I should be doing the opposite. I have a lot of bad eating habits that are creeping back in. I know I have been treating all my rollercoaster emotions with food.

With eating I need to start making bad habits go away, one thing at a time. I thought about making it a rule to cut myself off from food around 9pm (unless it's a day that I hardly ate and am starving). I need to replace my candy with fruits and veggies.

If I can't take a day off from exercise, I need to make a compromise with a couple easier days each week.

I'm considering getting some counseling to help me deal with my emotions. I know there is no shame in getting help.

Here's some goals for now. I know putting them in writing can only help.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MPETERSON2311 2/20/2014 1:39PM

    I would definitely get some counseling. It's helped me before. I'm here for you too. Hugs.

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FITFOODIE806 2/20/2014 1:31PM

    I am so sorry that you are going through so much.

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LOSEITFORLIFE83 2/20/2014 9:27AM

    I hope you can get some peace within your thoughts, because you are great. I have bad eating habits also and that is why I lose and gain so much. I am working on mine right along with you. You may be being a bit hard on yourself and you may want to just back up and take a breather. You're awesome, you will get through this!!

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KERRISEYMOUR 2/19/2014 7:22PM

    I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time!! I completely understand how you've been feeling, I feel fear if I take a day off of exercise, my eating habits have become atrocious again(despite IBS), and I feel that most of it stems from a recent bout of depression.
I'm telling you all this, so that you realize you are not alone! Don't give up! We can do this! We can gain our healthy habits back!! Just don't give up!!

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What a frustrating year it has been for me!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I haven't posted a blog on here in a while. I think it's because I have been down a lot and didn't want to drag anyone down with me. I know there have been lots of positive things to reflect on this year. I know I am very blessed for my life and my health. I'm very blessed to be in a good marriage and to have two healthy and happy children. I did accomplish running my first half marathon this year and I do want to run in another one. I will run another half marathon someday and I will put back on my racing shoes when I am ready.

The part that has been really been hard for me this year and has been breaking my heart is that I want to have another baby. I always knew I wanted more than two children. My DH and I started trying in July 2012. It took almost 6 months to get pregnant with my last child, so I was patient at first. Now I am coming up on almost 18 months since we made this decision to add to our family and my body refuses to work. The problem is that I don't have a monthly cycle anymore. I used to back before I got married, but I haven't had once since I started taking birth control when I was first married.

At the end of July I started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. They started me on all kind of crazy and expensive medications that I am still paying off right now. It affected my mood and it made me feel like garbage. I felt depressed and I have put on about 10 pounds this year. I'm still at a healthy weight, but I need to get back on track. I would love to be that woman I see in some of the pictures on my Sparkpage. I feel like a ghost of that person. I remember being so positive and optimistic and energetic. I want to get that back. I still want another child but I don't know if it will be possible for me. I definitely consider the two babies I had to be true miracles. Motherhood is the most challenging rollercoaster ride, but I'm grateful I was able to experience it at least twice.

I need to start seeing my doctor again and give this another try but I have been taking a break from it for a couple months. It really drained me emotionally and I don't know how I'm going to handle it again. However, it might be my only option if I ever want a chance at another baby.

I definitely need to set some health goals so I can get back to a happier weight. I have never given up on exercise, but I know my eating needs improvement. I know during those darkest times this year that I did turn to food just a little bit. I need to go back to the habits that helped me lose over 40 pounds with SP. I just need to dig myself out of this hole and I'm trying. I'm not a quitter!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDHEART 12/30/2013 9:51AM

    As I read this I struggled to think of anything I could say that would help. Of course there are no words and your pain is yours so the journey away from the emotional disappointment and pain is yours as well. Now, that's not helpful, is it? But I do have a couple of thoughts about what you wrote. First, I sense that you almost feel guilt over being disappointed and hurt as you write about the children you do have and it sounds as though you almost feel like you should be grateful enough for them to be able to put the disappointment of another pregnancy not happening yet aside. Don't feel guilty, your feelings are yours, they are valid for you and yes, you love the family you have but you have more love to give and wish for more. That's not something to feel guilty about.

With many things, when we let go a bit what we most wish for comes to us. Not always in the way we first thought. In an effort to move on and release your emotions, perhaps concentrating on the little things. Making a goal this year to improve some of those healthy eating habits with the focus on making your body as receptive to pregnancy as possible. Not necessarily keeping pregnancy as the goal but the preparation of the vessel. By refocusing this way it may help to redirect your energies and emotions and it is certainly a good goal anyway to make yourself as healthy as a woman can be. For you and for your family, however large or small it is.

Well, I'm sorry I have no magic to offer, but I do feel for you and wish you the best.

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TARABEAR 12/18/2013 12:11PM

    I'm sure you know you are not alone in this but it feels so lonely when that's where you are. I have my own version of a somewhat similar but very different story. It's really painful to want a baby and have it not be possible for whatever the reason. I don't know when it will get better but I hope it does eventually. In the meantime, it sounds like you have a good plan for starting to feel better. Hang in there! I'll be thinking of you.

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MPETERSON2311 12/18/2013 8:06AM

    emoticon Honey, I know, I know, I know. That's all I can say. That and LOTS OF HUGS. I'm always here for you.

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After 13+ months...

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

My DH and I have been trying to have another baby since last July! I hit my all time low weight and was working hard to maintain it and keep up my healthy lifestyle. I was able to conceive my other babies without much intervention. I was 30 pounds overweight when I got pregnant with both of them. I though I would be pretty fertile being at a healthy weight finally. I was dead wrong. In fact I have been waiting for several months for my monthly curse to return but it never has. I finally sought out the help of a reproductive endocrinologist. I told him about my exercise and weight loss and he suggested cutting back. That was a really hard thing for me to accept. I love exercise, I love running! I just did my first half marathon last month and I want to do another one. I finally accepted that it might be good to scale it back just a little, so I have. I still exercise daily but have reduced my intensity and duration. I even cut back on running. When I'm done having babies I will be back to being a running fool and doing tons of races again. I just feel that my family is incomplete and would feel so blessed with another baby in my life.
My doctor put me on clomid first and my body didn't really respond. He only gave me a 10% chance of it working anyway. I moved on to injections. I had to learn to give myself shots (totally not fun!). The side effects of all these treatments has made me a total bloated hormonal mess. I'm praying so hard that I have a positive outcome. Next week I find out if my first cycle resulted in a pregnancy. If not, I will bang my head against a wall several times and then give it another try. My workouts have not been as enjoyable lately. This morning I was doing weight lifting and feeling totally nauseous the whole time. Yuck, I miss enjoying my exercise. Here's praying this all works out. I know I am already really blessed with the two sweet kids I have so I hope I don't sound ungrateful. This is just something I felt like I needed to do and was right for my family.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MPETERSON2311 10/4/2013 5:20PM

    Good luck!!!

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SOXYINMO 9/9/2013 6:57AM

    I'm so sorry I missed this earlier! I think it was the name change emoticon it threw me a little! First, congratulations on your half!!!! Isn't it a wonderful feeling!!!! And no need to apologize or worry about sounding ungrateful. You need to do what you think is best for your family! You lost the weight, you became a running machine, you can do anything!
My thoughts best wishes are with you emoticon

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I'm a half marathoner now!!!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I want to say a big emoticon to all my Spark friends who inspired me to sign up for this race. For a long time I thought this distance was impossible, but then finally I made it a dream to run one someday. I live in Utah and we celebrate the 24th of July as Pioneer day with fireworks, parades and races. I was browsing through races a couple months ago and saw the Deseret News Half marathon and for some reason it just jumped out at me. I kept thinking about how much I wanted to sign up for it and finally did a month ago. At that point my longest runs were only 6-8 miles.
I only had a month to train and I just gradually added a mile to my long run every Saturday. My last long run was 11 miles on 7/13. I then scaled back the running so I could rest up my body. I did a 5K race on the 20th and then gave my legs a rest. What surprised me about my training was that my injuries did not really bother me. It was probably because I was listening more to my body. I really paced myself on my long runs and actually ran slower than I am used to. I'm so amazed and I know I'm blessed to have a healthy body that can do these things. I'm doing my best to take care of it so I can keep this stuff up.
I slept like garbage the night before my race. I kept thinking about everything I needed to do when I woke up. I had to get up at 3am so I could make it to SLC to catch a bus at 4am to make it up Emigration canyon where our race was beginning. It was freezing and we actually had to wait 90 minutes before the race was going to start. I have no idea even right now why they had to bus us to the starting line so early. If I do this race again I will remember to bring a blanket while waiting for the race to start.
The race started at 6am and the majority of it was downhill. It felt awesome to just run downhill, at least for the first half. After I hit mile 6 I still had energy but my thigh muscles were starting to kill! I really focused on pacing myself during the whole race, even telling myself to cut back several times. I don't remember ever feeling too tired. The thing that really slowed me down was the pain in my legs! The last mile was pure agony. We actually ended up running the last 3 miles on the SLC parade route. There were lots of parade goers there to cheer the racers along. I kind of felt like a celebrity, even if I was dragging my legs with me. I think the last mile was literally the longest mile of my life, but I kept going. I ran the whole half marathon. I feel really good about this accomplishment. I'm sure there will be more half marathons in the future! Maybe I just need to train my legs more for downhill running. During training I practiced going up steep hills and down, but maybe it wasn't enough to prepare myself for a pure downhill race. I don't know my official time yet, but the clock did say 1:46:46 as I crossed the finish. My goal was just to beat 2 hours and I think I did a pretty good job!
My legs are totally killing me right now, but it was worth it! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHYLADY12 2/1/2014 11:03AM

    awesome girl!

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TARABEAR 7/25/2013 4:15PM

    Congratulations!!! Great time!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FITFOODIE806 7/24/2013 6:27PM

    Wow!!! So awesome and so incredibly speedy!!! I see another one in your future ;)

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I did it...

Monday, June 24, 2013

I literally just signed up for my very first half marathon. I'm so excited and scared! I only have a month to train. I have already researched some training plans though I and I think I can do this. I think I will tame the competitive beast inside me for this and just focus on finishing and enjoying the run. I'm doing the Deseret News Half Marathon on 7/24/13 in SLC. We will be running down a canyon road and most the run is downhill. I had such a beautiful outdoor long run yesterday that I was inspired to move forward with my dream of running a half marathon. Do I ever dream of running a full marathon...I don't know at this point. I will have to see if I can live through a half marathon first. I have to say that I probably wouldn't even be doing this if I wasn't inspired by my friends here on Sparkpeople. I looked up two training plans and I think I can do this. The hardest part for me is allowing myself to rest. I don't even know how to rest. I have a fitbit and I walk about 20,000 + steps daily. I just can't stop myself from moving.
So far I have built myself up to run 8 miles. Yesterday I did that ran and I could have kept going. Part of that run was even a steep hill! The idea I get from training plans is that I need to build myself up to at least a 10 mile run and I should be able to do 13.1 miles. I really hope that's true! If anyone has any great advice for getting trained in a month, let me know. I am already a regular runner. I run usually anywhere from 10-16 miles a week, sometimes more. I think my body is in shape for this. I think I can, I think I can. I feel kind of excited that I just signed up for this, but I think I will start freaking out closer to race day. Ahh!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NBLONDHEIM 6/24/2013 4:20PM

    WOW! You are amazing and an inspiration! You will do great!!!!

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FITFOODIE806 6/24/2013 9:07AM

    Your body is definitely in shape for this! If I were you, I'd do my next weekend's long runs like this:
9, 11, 9 or 8, 6 on the weekend before the race. On a Wednesday?
You are going to LOVE it!

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TARABEAR 6/24/2013 2:04AM

    If you can run 8, you can run 13! For real. Good luck with your training! ENJOY the ride!

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WATERDIAMONDS 6/24/2013 2:00AM

    I don't know how to help you set up a training program, but I DO know how to say

WOW!!! Great job!!!

Obviously, you can do this. So, please just accept my heartfelt admiration for your tenacity and hard work.

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ZRIE014 6/24/2013 12:33AM

  keep it up

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