Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Ok...so I'm getting smarter by the day. Being anemic...I know when my count is low, that I get lethargic, tired, sleepy.
For the past week or so, I've actually been taking my iron pills on a regular basis. Imagine my surprise when I realize today that I actually have energy...that I could actually see myself going to the gym and not giving out after 5 minutes.
Then I realize 'Ding Ding Ding'...how about if you take your supplements the way you're SUPPOSE to...you won't sabotage yourself so much.
Here is a tiny portion of the journey that doesn't take a lot of effort or time to do...so that removes my excuses. Why not do it??
I will...why...because I'm getting smarter every day. The obvious stuff...that wasn't so obvious...is becoming obvious and bottom line, I'm going to incorporate it.
The thing is, this is pretty big to me. I absolutely hate taking pills...and I praise God for good health and I say all the time...I refuse to ever get to a place where I will need to take them every day. I've testified over and over about how much God had kept me, even with my weight being what it is. As much as I thank Him for it, I also know HE put the urgency in my spirit to lose weight to maintain this good health.
So I say over and over and over...I won't ever get to a place where I will need to take medicine every day. But guess what...did you read the part where I said I was anemic? Yep, I'm anemic...I don't exhibit any of the classic symptoms...except that sometimes, I get to the lethargic place. But it occurred to me today. I'm ALREADY THERE. I have to take medicine every day...and its for my good. When my iron count is what its supposed to be...I'm energetic..so why wouldn't I take my iron pills everyday? Because I wasn't as smart yesterday as I am today.
I'm looking forward to the ramifications of actually taking this medicine everyday...what will life be like when my energy level is constant...and increases... What will life with an increased energy level look like when I'm able to exercise more, easier...
I'm smarter today than I was yesterday...
Thank you God for wisdom!
Monday, February 20, 2012
You know what??? I couldn't help it. I've dealt with it long enough and I'm finally tired of not having the energy to stop and speak/blog my mind!! YOU people!! Yes, YOU people!! You people are pretty darn awesome!! I love SparkPeople...and I'm beginning to see that I NEED SparkPeople!!
Two days ago I was sitting and reading some of your blogs...and as always, it gave me needed encouragement. I went back and I read some of my old blogs knowing it really was just to torture myself because I knew I hadn't moved far. To my surprise...I was wrong...I am not the same person that wrote the first blog but even more so...it was the comments I read on the blogs that helped me the most. I had just forgotten why it was so important to be INVOLVED on SparkPeople, not just a bystander. When I reach out...there are always others there willing to reach back. For me..its always been hard to say I NEED. But YOU people make that so easy. You love and encourage without reservation, even if its the 15000th time that someone says they're getting back on track. You guys make ok and even have the nerve to expect me to be human, and accept me, flaws and all. Yes I admit....even I have flaws(gasp ). I know its a shocking discovery but I'm coming out of the closet...I'm actually not perfect...and you guys love on me in spite of that. How wonderful are you?!
There are not enough words in the English vocabulary to explain it...but I'll give it a shot.
You're so wonderful that when I've been away from SparkPeople for a while...I'll get an email of someone liking a status update from eons ago...which in turns forces me to come to SparkPeople...or better yet...sparks me into returning to SparkPeople where I just see all of this wonderful love being poured out, where I see the success stories, where i see the not so successful stories but I see the courage and the determination that it took to share even those.
You're so wonderful that when I'm tired and losing motivation, what do YOU do?! You send me a random sparkgoodie when I haven't done anything particularly special...Which creates a new Spark in me.
You're soooo wonderful that when I feel so alone in this journey you send me emails or leave comments on my page telling me, showing me, that I'm not!
And to top it all off...you people are so wonderful that you allow me to come into your lives...and you allow me to encourage you, which brings me all kinds of strength.
UGH!! YOU people!!! I love and appreciate you so much! I thank God that SparkPeople exists...and even more that Spark PEOPLE exist! Because you guys are great!
You all are absolutely awesome!! Know that every single thing you do helps someone! Keep Sparking!!
Friday, December 09, 2011
I took his breath away…
It was really quite a simple experience but it was so impactful. I went to get my car washed and as I pulled up to the detail shop, the owner and another gentleman were deep in conversation…so deep that he didn’t really glance my way…He just said ‘be right with you sir’. It was then that he did a double take and said, ‘oh, maam’, his voice trailing off as he said ‘maam’. He just stared at me and didn’t say a word and it looked like he was struggling to figure out what to say, like he’d lost his grasp of the English language. The gentleman that he’d been engaged in conversation with, looked at him with such a questioning look, waiting for him to resume their conversation but he kept looking at me with his jaw literally dropped. I was so flattered but of course, the insecurities spoke up really quickly and they told me that I imagined it and that there was no way anyone could have had SUCH a strong reaction to me. Especially not a stranger that didn’t know what a good and sweet person I was…that I hadn’t ‘grown’ on. So the part of me that has grown to love myself so much more told the insecurities to hush, that it really was an authentic reaction and that it was ok that it was directed at me. So the insecurities doubled their attack…they told me that even if it was authentic, I hadn’t gotten out of the car. They told me that your hair is really pretty and you have a pretty enough face but you haven’t gotten out of the car so he hasn’t seen all of THAT. And what did it matter because you made it up anyway, there’s no way a man could react to you like that.
I was so proud of me…the old me would have believed that nonsense…but the new me was just so happy to have experienced it I chose to believe it was authentic because I thought…what could it hurt to believe it! Mind you…this was all of a 30 second encounter. So I get out of the car and I grab my purse and I turn to ask the owner if he needed my keys…and guess what…he’s STILL staring at me.
In the past, I was always uncomfortable when men would stare at me. Either they’re not looking at my face because they’re focused a little bit south…or they’re not looking at my face and looking even further south at the tire around my waist. Either way…I was uncomfortable. But somewhere along the line, as God has loved on me, He’s taught me to love me more. Without my consent or my knowledge, some of the insecurities went away. And this moment reaped the benefit of that..
As Mr owner is staring at me…I ask him if he needs my keys and he finally gathers himself enough to say no. But the guy that He’s talking to mumbles something and he says, oh wait, I do need your keys. He’s still that flustered. So at this point…I tell the insecurities to suck it. I smile and make a very innocent by playful remark about my leaving with the keys. He just shakes his head, never taking his eyes off of me, and instead of joining in my banter about the keys, which is what I expected…he says ‘maam, where is your husband?’. I’ve been asked that before and typically it comes off sounding like a line, a very weak line, delivered by a corner thug with no potential…but when he asked it, there was such a sincerity in his question that for a second I thought he really wanted to talk to my husband and not that he was making a pass. I was caught off guard but I responded with my usual response: “God has not sent him yet”. This normally scares them off. It’s a tactic I realized worked very effectively a long time ago. When I mention I’m trusting God to send Him, it normally bursts through the defenses of whomever is asking and they flee. I’m ok with that because my relationship with God is that important to me, it’s at the forefront of my life and so if a man is intimidated by that answer, it’s in both our best interests that he run.
But again, Mr. Owner surprises me…His answer to my statement….”he just did”. You could have bought me for a nickel. I didn’t show it at all but my knees went weak. It wasn’t just the answer that did it, it was the delivery. There was no scary lustfulness in his speech or his eyes and I liked that. A lot. I honestly have never experienced anything like it at all. Did I mention I liked it…A LOT! So I just smiled and made a comment about seeing how well he cleaned my car and it made him laugh. Which I also liked.
Side bar: I liked to laugh and I like to make people laugh and I like for others around me to like to laugh!
I went to the restaurant next door to the detail shop where I ate a SPARKPEOPLE friendly meal. I went back to the detail shop thinking the encounter was over and my car would be ready. I KNOW my car should have been ready…but oddly enough it wasn’t. I was suspicious but it gave him a chance to be really attentive to me (which I liked). He still had not asked me for my name or number so at this point, it wasn’t the insecurities…it was me, and I thought, oh well…maybe the effects of me wore off that quickly:-). But right when I was getting ready to go, I paid attention and it was as though he was building up the nerve to ask…This man does not seem shy, or self-conscious, or anything of the sort so when the realization happened, I was so flattered at the fact that he was searching for how to do so.
Of course…that was when he messed up …We were still engaged in sparse small talk and he went back to the husband comment. That was ok. But then he asked if I would call HIM sometime…sorry buddy…I’m not THAT woman. I know I catch flack for it but I’m not a modern woman and don’t pretend to be. I don’t do the calling. So right then, I wrote him off my list but I wanted to let him down gently. I told him something about my busy schedule, and how I’m always on the go and I don’t have time to do a lot of calling. That’s true. His response was SUPPOSED to be the customary acknowledgment that I’d said no and gracefully bowing out. His response…’Well how about texting’. I literally could only laugh but again..the delivery broke down my defenses and the experience of this man REALLY wanting to be in contact with me… not based on me earning it..was refreshing. I don’t want it to sound like he’s the first man to ask for my number…but it was just different. I’m different. I did end up giving him my name and number but the experience itself was just…delightful.
I replayed it a couple of times and I started talking to God and just thanking Him for it. Because I needed that kind of confidence booster. See…I didn’t walk away with any kind of anxiety of if I’d said enough to make an impression…I didn’t walk away fretting over if I was attractive enough…I didn’t even walk away wondering if he was going to call. If he did, he did…if he didn’t , he didn’t. But either way, the experience itself was real and I LIKED IT. Now to be totally transparent …I did allow myself one quick 10 second divergence, into imagining telling my family how I met my husband:-) but I promise it was quick and I didn’t stay there. Just wanted to see what it might feel like to actually have THAT kind of testimony when God actually sends my husband. Something so little…has completely changed my expectations…now THAT’s the kind of reaction I want. I want to rest in the confidence that my husband thinks I’m breathtaking and not just when I’m trying to be or not just because he loves me. It felt good!
The experience itself was the blessing. Mr. Owner actually did text me a couple of days later. He had absolutely NO conversation, all of his replies were one word answers…it was plain boring. I tried to make the rationale that maybe he just wasn’t a texter and was tempted to excuse it because of our earlier encounter but then decided why? I wasn’t going to force anything. I’m not dating right now but I’m really not lonely. That’s not to say I wouldn’t appreciate companionship but I live a drama free life…so I accept the encounter for the blessing it was and thank God for allowing me to experience it and look forward to the NEXT one !
Signed _ A new confidence
Friday, October 21, 2011
I've done Weight Watchers before...and I know it works...but this time...I joined Weight Watchers after having already started limiting my calories...When I was just adhering to the SparkPeople calorie intake suggestion and logging my food in the tracker...I really and truly think I was eating less than I am with Weight Watchers. I have SOOO many points...and this new system where my fruits and vegetables are free...really makes me feel like I have more points than I need. I AM losing weight...this week I lost 4.6 lbs...but I really feel like I should be losing more...especially with me exercising too...I've only been doing it for 4 weeks and I know I'm still not adhering to it 100%...BUT...the week I didn't exercise...i gained a pound...whereas when I tried the system before...even if I didn't exercise...just following the program..I still lost weight...hmmm....
Monday, August 29, 2011
I'm pretty. I can dress. My hair is beautiful(most days:-))....but all in the confines of being a big girl...I've never been thin...Ever! I see some people that strive to get 'back to' a weight... I've never been thin. So I'll appreciate getting back to a certain weight...but it'll be a first time experience. When I was 10 sizes smaller...I was still fat. But I know now...WHEN I'm ten sizes smaller, I'll view it differently this time, I'll be able to enjoy it.
There's something sooo different about this time...I WANT this so much, its in every fiber of my bones...I don't even know if I emphasized WANT enough...its never been this way before...I'm so happy about it. Every day...I get closer...I WANT THIS!!! I know it won't happen overnight, but I'm seeing progress and I'm so siked at the thought of progress.
I appreciate you guys being so transparent. I see your posts that say 'I LOST 150 LBS' and I go to your pages and see when you started out 150 LBS ago...and I see me...and because I see me in you THEN, I know I'll see the me in you NOW! I want to stop being afraid to be truly transparent...I know that kind of freedom will help me on this journey. I know that my tendency to keep things bottled up contributed to this roll right here...and this roll right here...and maybe that second chin too . But because I can actually see it...I actually have it in the forefront of my mind all the time, its second nature...I can SEE it so much more clearly.
I will win! And Im doing it for me! For unselfish reasons, for selfish reasons, for vanity sake, for health sake....but I'm doing it for me!!!
I want this!!!!
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