Monday, April 11, 2011
Been to the dr's. Everything seams to be healing pretty well. They took some more stitches out and I feel a lot better already. The pulling and discomfort last week must have been from the stitches, then...
I am likely to have my first shower in less then two weeks!!!!! Maybe next week. LOL I am getting opsessed!
I was done very fast and then had a few hours to kill before the boat left for home. So I looked at shoes (so woman like) and bras (same thing).
I didn't have the money, and that's cool. Because, other then some very expensive spring shoes, I also saw a few running shoes that I drooled over! OMG to be rich and able to afford those!
I am going to wear this medical bra for a month longer and then will be able to try on real ones (and know my new size)...
I bought strawberries. mmmmm
And I start working - tomorrow! OUCH! Trying not to freak! I pray this job be a good one and something I am able to handle.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I have snapped and everything fell apart.
I have eaten bagfuls of food that was exclusively junk. One week.
I have not tracked it all. I keep telling myself I'll get over this and just bounce back.
And I will. Of course I will.
But it was all so unnecessary.
I took the easy way out the stressful situation. How's that for a Spark People motivator?
I did it. I felt sorry for myself for having to tell my boss I'll have to be taking days off for my check ups, (he was cool with that) for having to skip workout all together, for not being able to take showers, for sweating the "how are my boobs gonna heal" thing....
I felt sorry for myself and I went to a safe place, old place, bad place.
Today is day 8. My stomach is the evidence. It's huge! (I have noticed one more thing. As the boobs came off, the belly looks bigger. Even before this week.
I am placing a lot of hope in tomorrow's check-up. I am fearful something would go wrong, there would be an infection, or the healing isn't going well...and at the same time, I'm hoping they'll tell me some encouraging thing like that everything looks fine and I'll be free in no time.
I know one person here who'd probably want to slap me silly right about now. She has been wanting this, preparing for this for so long and here I am, whining and crying about the recovery time and lack of shower.
I FEEL SO DIRTY! I took a peek under the gauze and heaven help me, I SAW dirt! It has been exactly a month since my last, real shower!!!!!!!
So, where's the positive?
I can wash my own hair.
I put aside my first cool, small bra yesterday. I tried it over this one and it looks about the right size. Even if it turns out to be big, it was soooooo cheap, like a bag of apples cheep!!! And pretty! On tuesday I'll go pick it up. It's on sale and ....made me feel a little better.
Last week I wore my running shoes because it made me feel much better. But then I started thinking, I'll ruin them and then have no shoes when I actually do get to run again. So I stopped wearing them.
I took Ela for a walk on the beach. It's so hot, I would be swimming now if not for the boob situation!
I just couldn't take it all any more!
So I crumbled.
Yesterday I felt like I could pick myself up but then ...no.
My old boss called because people are talking behind my back and she found out I will not be working for them any more. It's not a big deal, and they certainly don't deserve me feeling bad about leaving...They are the ones I had to have a conversation with last year, about me not looking acceptable, fat as I was...In short, I felt awful and humiliated, and angry. They ended up hiring me after all, after I had said this ultimatum was unacceptable to me and that, if that's the way they feel, I'll look for a job elsewhere...
All this is behind me. So much behind me. So much to look forward to...So why am I having so much trouble being strong for this recovery period?????
Also, I'm freaking out, because my TOM is due next wek and I'm scared the boobs will swell up and something would go wrong...
Monday, April 04, 2011
Been to the dr's today. They removed some of the stitches. Everything looks pretty good up there. I asked the nurse to please wash my back a little, where the gauze usually is. It felt so good! Pathetic, huh?
I asked the dr about going to work. She asked me "Do you WANT to go to work?" I said "Of course I do!" and so I got the green light for that! HAH! I feel funny about it. I have stitches all over and she said OK for a physical type of work... Again, I am in doubts and I guess the best I can do is come clean to the boss to be and see how he feels about me having to take it easy at first and taking a day off here and there to go to the mainland for check ups. ...sigh...
I knew I forgot to ask something, and I remembered much later on... I wanted to ask if I may try and sleep on my side. I miss that comfy feeling ... So far, I feel like a vampire, flat on my back LOL
So, doing fine, feeling much stronger then last week, but having doubts about the job (supposed to start in less then two weeks)......
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I arrived at the hospital on monday morning. I shared a room with two more women. One just came out of the breast reduction surgery herself, so I watched her carefully, as you can imagine. Our stories were not exactly the same, but close enough.
My boobs were more a mass of loose skin so it was more complicated.
After the dr talked to me, she then drew a map on my body, of what needed to be done. She said it would be challenging, with them being mostly skin now... I was given instructions to skip dinner and stop drinking after midnight. (anyone thinking gremlins? LOL) I was also given meds to prevent blood clogging...
7:15am they came and got me. Gave me compressive stockings on both legs. I spent about an hour and a half in the prep room, they measured my blood pressure, plugged some IV on me, checked my temp, started me on some anesthesia meds and rolled me to the OR. Where they started readying me for the surgery. To calm me down (I suspect) they asked me a lot of questions about my weight loss....
Next thing I remember is waking up in my room. I was not allowed to move. I was so very weak. And they left me with a catheter to pee in, which made me super grateful because it would have been so hard to pee in the bed pan!!! And more humiliating and stressful... I slept most of the time until the next morning.
I was in no pain at all.
I kept getting that anti clogging meds and antibiotics all the while at the hospital.
The next morning the dr came in, they took the catheter out, which hurt! They took me off IV. Then they had me sit on the bed and took a look at the boobs. I was out of my mind with pain as they stripped the bandages and begun cleaning and washing and stripping the tapes off...I won't lie to you - it hurt like hell!!! Not the wound, but the tapes being stripped. I was in panic thinking the boobs will fall apart from all that pulling on fresh stitches... The dr grabbed my arms and wanted me to feel my breasts which sent me in a full blown tantrum, protesting I WASN'T READY FOR THAT YET! LOL
I may be a big baby, but there you have it. Told you I was super emotional. Scared the stuffing out of me, the whole deal! Night before the surgery I seriously considered getting out of there - and fast! But then that girl I mentioned before told me she took a picture of her breasts to remember them, and I thought it was a great idea and did it too. After seeing them like that, I braved up and stayed...
After They finished dressing my wounds, they wanted me to try and get up, sit on a chair. So I did. And all of the sudden, there was a meadow, green grass, spring flowers and bunnies! Yup! I was about to faint! Next thing everyone was shouting at me to come back and fanning me by the open windows. I came to and they wanted me to have some sugar water but I asked for my energy bars. I needed strength. (And that is how I GAINED a few pounds at the hospital, my people! Once I started eating and got stronger I made sure I had lots of fruits and milk and cottage cheese and everything.)
I got stronger soon and from then on it was a combination of boredom, long hours and then daily stress before the dressing of the wounds! THAT scared me so much! But it never was as bad as that first time. Except the last time, on monday morning, before they sent me home. That day they also removed the drainage tubes and that hurt like hell too!
I have sent my nephew to go get me a special bra the third day. I am to wear that for a month or so. Day and night. I just got one, because it was very expensive! When I wash it, I'll wear my other bras and blow dry it real fast and back on it goes!
Maybe I'll be able to put it in good use as a sports bra later on, if it isn't too large...when the bandages come off...
They let me go home monday, a week from the admission and 5 days after the surgery. I was there yesterday for the dressing of the wounds, but told them it is really taking a toll on me to travel so far for it so they said I can skip friday and come for the check up on monday, the 4th.
The good thing is - no pain!
The bad thing is - I am so weak! At this point, 8 days after the surgery, I am fighting off depression. I can only walk a while before I get a bit dizzy. I can't do much at all. This morning while walking Ela, I saw a boy run at the park and I wondered, for the millionth time, when will I be ready to start living the life again! Being on a time out is NO FUN! Sigh...
I don't know how long it would take, but this is my 4th week of sitting on my butt! I know I have the hard stuff behind me. I know...But it feels like I'll never see the day I get to swim and run and work out... And I miss it! I have to fight off this downer with all I have.
Also, I really did gain weight, tomorrow I'll check just how much. Time to put my nutrition know how to the test. Because, I do need good nutrition to heal better but also, with little to no activity, I need to find a way to not gain weight.
I realised I will not meet my goal weight in the time I thought I would, due to all this!
How's a girl to help but feel down?
I tell myself I will get through this. And that I am strong, this is just for now, until I recover from, not one, but two surgeries in one month! Everyone would feel weak.
If anyone is interested in this stuff, that's how it was for me.
They removed 500g of skin mostly, from each breast, lifted the nipples from the deep dark shadowy plains to a sunny place on top of the hill LOL And I can already tell I am going to love my new boobs! I don't feel like they're mine yet. It will remain so until the stitches are all out and I can take a shower and all that...
I plan to make a note of the more emotional side of all this next time. And emotional it was!
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