Monday, September 23, 2013
This has been the worst summer of my life. Dramatic, but true statement.
I got a job, after many doubts and fears. And I liked it a lot!
I had a very ugly episode with a member of a family. Has me shaken ever since.
Then my father started getting sick and after a morning spent in the ER, for which I called to let the boss know I may not be able to show up - the trouble at work started. They let me know the position I liked was no longer mine and I had two weeks to prove myself at another position, or I get fired.
After many, many tears, I decided to accept my Dr's offer and so... I have been on a sick leave all summer.
My dad had many episodes and relapses, and it all got me to a point where I thought I was going insane.
Through all this, I have gained 15kg and lost all hope of getting better :(
I am now awaiting for my father's return from the hospital. I am working on final papers for the sick leave, and after that, back to being unemployed I go. I had to secure a hospital bed at home, have ordered and have to pay for the bed railing, because I live alone with my dad and at times I have to leave the house, I will have to have the rails up and dad secured, so he doesn't fall off the bed :(
I am not ready to commit to being a full time caregiver for my parent, yet again! I did it for 6 years with my mom and I know how hard it is.
I had started working out in June, but that was over real fast.
I have only a hope left, that somehow, someday, I will get a break from all the rotten luck and be able to care for myself...
I think of my old spark friends often and wish I could be part of the spark again...
For now, I just really am desperately trying to not cry and go insane
Thursday, April 05, 2012
I wish I were free!!!!
I live on this island, such a pretty island...My dog is so happy here. I love this island, and I hate it, too.
I live with my dad. I am 40yo. Unemployed. I can only get summer jobs, low paid, over tourist season. I never have any money. I always have to hear it from my dad who is old and disappointed in me.
last year was so hard for me. I had gotten to an inch from my ideal weight, and then had two surgeries, and one of them didn't help at all, the one on my leg. It's still swelling like mad. The other one, on my breast reduction, left me unhappy at the end. one is bigger, the nipples do not look very good...But still, I am ok with them being more up then down.
Then I started working 3 weeks after this surgery, and have worked for 5 and a half months without a day off. I got tired, mostly emotionally. The fact that I worked all day and until 1am in the mornings, did not help. I had no time to start working out again, and little by little, it all ended me. I got almost all the lost weight back. And more importantly, I have no spark left, no strength.
With the spark shining bright and strong, I was invincible. Now I am nowhere.
My family can't forgive me gaining weight, they keep telling me to just do it again, they do not hear me when I say I am too low to move anything. I have, once again, nothing to wear.
I am looking for another job this year. And I am tired of summer jobs. We are about to face financial ruin soon, even with two rooms rented out, mine included. (oh, yeah, I slept on a sofa that is really a love seat size, all summer long)
So, in my desperation, someone offered a help. It is an amazing thing. A blog pal of mine, an old one, offered me AND MY DOG a room in her house, free of rent, I'd be just paying part of the bills. And she got me a full time job.
But it's not here, at home, not on my island. I would have to leave my 80yo dad alone. I would have to move my dog and myself to a city on mainland.
I am scared. So very scared. I try to find a full time job here, have been trying for years, and it isn't happening.
I am scared and I should have an answer for the boss to be and this friend of mine ASAP. It's a big, huge decision. A big gamble. I huge adventure for tired old me. I am so scared. I don't know where to turn, what to do... With all the job hunting, and now this, my stomach hurts all day. from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, and late into the night, when it takes me hours to fall asleep.
The fear parralises me.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
It isn't easy at all.
I sit here, sit and aet so much I can barely move. Full blown regression. Has been like that for months. Spring came with happy news, summer killed me, fall - my dearest fall, I am spending hating my life.
If not for Ela, I wouldn't leave the house at all!
Day by day, I think I should get up. But I don't. And to top it all, the weather is so great, I just keep thinking - perfect weather for running. But I do not think I could run any more. Nor now. I could WALK. Like I did in the beginning. I have great new shoes, loads of new workout clothes. Most of it is too tight now. I am scared to step on the scale. That would be the last slap in the face.
I am really ashamed. Really not liking myself.
I should, really, forgive myself the bad choices and weaknesses. In order to move on. But I keep hating myself for taking that stinking job, for the leg surgery that didn't help, for everything!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I just spelled it out for myself. The reason I got fat again, the reason I have trouble picking the ball up again. So to say.
Because nothing changed.
Told myself just now, you got to do it for yourself, nobody will do it for you. And I started crying. For what!? I was not fat anymore and nothing changed. Not a thing. So much hope.
Get An Email Alert Each Time ELAOPET Posts