Sunday, July 27, 2014
I got back from Ohio on Wednesday night. Let me tell you...it was the worst vacation of my life.
Let's just say I've been planning this vacation for months. My husband and I were going with six of our friends. We paid for our tickets and hotel and it was going to be the perfect weather for a day at Cedar Point.
We left early Monday morning and prepared for the long drive to Sandusky, Ohio. It took seven hours. I was slightly peeved because I knew the toll road was going to be faster, but the group said it was tradition to take the scenic route (this was our first time going with the group). Anyways, we made it to the hotel and we spent the rest of the day at the indoor waterpark, which was fun for a bit. My husband and I decided to spend a part of the evening in the arcade which was really fun. We went to Walmart and Fazoli's and called it a night.
The next day was the big day. We had early access to Cedar Point so we headed to the island and waited for the gates to open. Our first ride was the Raptor. There was no line. I got ready to get on the ride. I sat down and I didn't fit. My butt was too big. The attendant tried to latch the belt, but my belly was too big. He apologized and I had to get off the ride. All of his friends saw. My husband asked if he should get off, but I told him to stay. I attempted to hold back tears while I waited on the exit ramp and watch our group enjoy their first ride of the day.
Once off, I asked my husband to walk with me around the park and try out the test seats which are located at the entrances of rides. Every ride we went to, I was too big. "This ride may not accommodate guests of larger size".
I had to stop several times to cry it out. What was the point of me being at the park if I couldn't fit on any of the rides? Why me? Is this really happening? These were questions I asked myself repeatedly. All I wanted to do was go back to the hotel and cry it out. Why stay at the park just to watch everyone get on the rides and me just sit waiting for them?
I made my decision. My husband called his friends letting them know he was going to drive me back to the hotel. I said I would try and keep myself occupied by going back to the arcade and water park when in reality, all I did was sleep, cry, and mope around.
I was miserable. Absolutely miserable.
I woke up from my nap and called my husband. He said that they were going to come get me for dinner. I was happy that they were going to include me since my day had been ruined.
7 pm rolled by. No call.
8 pm rolled by. No call.
9 pm rolled by. No call.
I called my husband and asked where they were. He said they didn't want to leave the park. It was too much of a big deal for them.
I cried and cried and cried.
I had spent the entire day by myself and they couldn't leave the park and hour early to include me in their day and festivities? My already batter self-esteem crumbled away...
All I thought to myself was "Why leave early to take the fat girl to eat?" "Why should we leave early? It's not our fault she's fat!"
I cried some more. My self-worth was non-existent. I felt so low...so unwanted...so worthless.
My husband tried his best to get someone to come back with him. There were too many people and not enough cars so he couldn't come back by himself. When he eventually made it back to the hotel, I cried myself to sleep in his arms. I wanted to go home.
So as you can see, THAT was a wake up call.
If I ever want to go back to Cedar Point, I will need to make some changes. Positive changes. Healthy changes. Emotional changes. Maybe even friend changes. Who knows?
It was traumatizing. That's all I can say. Please pray for me.
Monday, July 14, 2014
I'm really struggling. I have not done anything productive with my health. I work, sleep, eat, and go back to work again. I don't have energy to do anything, and when I do, I don't see any progress.
What can I do? Where can I get the proper support to keep me on track?
I know what to do...
I've done it before...
Why can't I do it again????
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
I'm facing a dilemma.
When I first started Sparkpeople nearly 3 years ago, the weight just fell off. This time around, after I gained back all of my weight lost and THEN some, I'm easily discouraged at not seeing the scale move. Yes, I know weight loss is more than a number, yada yada yada, but if I don't lose weight, my doctor is going to yell at me again.
I'm 296 lbs as of this morning. Two years ago, I weighed just over 200. I have NEVER been so overweight/obese. When I first started Sparkpeople, I weighed around 260 lbs. Yuck.
Now, I'll admit, my eating habits are WAY out of line. I need to start eating healthy again, but right now I just don't have the motivation or the budget to purchase "good for me" food.
On the bright side, however, since we moved into town, I've been going on almost daily walks which I've been keeping track of on my Digifit app. I'm starting to ease myself back into DVD workouts such as Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I just started yesterday, and I'm really just trying to pace myself. After all, circuit training is totally different when you weigh 200 lbs and now 296 lbs.
I'm really just looking for the right diet and routine for me again, and I need constant motivation or I'm quickly going to get off track. My health needs to improve. If it doesn't, I'm just holding myself from endless possibilities.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Well, another Valentine's Day has come and gone. I was gone for work most of the day but came home to some lovely flowers, chocolates, and a homemade dinner. He worked so hard. I definitely married a keeper. Too bad I was so incredibly drained to fully appreciate it all at the time, but we made the best of our short amount of time we had together that night.
In other news...my cholesterol is a tad bit elevated so the doctor is recommending a low fat diet. This is going to be difficult, but I'm doing some research and trying to find recipes that I would actually enjoy. I'm incredibly picky so the more recipes and foods I can find, the better!
I'm also trying to keep track of my blood sugar. The blood test results showed that my levels were a little low--69. Normal range is like 70-99. I bought a little pocket tester and some test strips and I'm going to keep track of it at least once a day. When I was younger, I was keeping track of it a little bit so I'm pretty used to poking my finger or arm with a needle.
I'm still gaining weight for some reason so hopefully a new diet will help. Now that my health is getting serious, I better start listening to my doctor.
Other than that, everything else is fine. Just working a lot and what not. Boring stuff...
Friday, January 03, 2014
Goal Weight: 222 Goal Weight: 200
Weight Loss: -60 Weight Loss: -28.8
Body Fat % 46.20% Body Fat % 19.80%
BMI 46.9 BMI 31.1
Weight 282.2 Weight 228.8
Waist 49.5" Waist 42"
Hips 56.5" Hips 41.5"
Thigh 33.5" Thigh 23"
Upper Arm 19" Upper Arm 13"
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