Monday, May 19, 2014
Hi Guys! I'm still here. Just touching base! I know I know this blog is as long as an episode of The Golden Girls!
Monday, February 24, 2014
Things are happening and my life is super stressful right now! Firstly there's school. I started back in full swing the beginning of this month. I'm roughly completing 1 class a month and I'm literally spending at least 20 hours a week on school work.
Sigh. It'll be worth it in the end right?
Secondly the head of our AP department quit last week. So my job just doubled at work. And the SP time I used to get on my 30 for lunch is now being divided between school work and regular work. I'm not taking lunches anymore.
Thirdly I went from working out around 8 hours a week to 3. That's all I have time to do in CrossFit. So I'm currently seeking some kind of at home workouts as well. I know there's always running, but I'm not happy with just running. I feel utterly lost when it comes to my exercise routine. I used to have a schedule and then Lisa's closed. I found CrossFit which is awesome, but I don't have time to go everyday. Someone told me about something called T25, but I haven't had a chance to really look into it. If anyone has used it please let me know if it's something worth getting. I think it's DVDs or something.
So here's my plan. Every week I make a schedule to go by to make sure that I cover everything I need to between school, life, and work. I'm going to attempt to work out 5 days a week. 3 I'll go to CrossFit and the 2 will have to be at home and most likely the weekend. I feel like I need a list. Let's make a list.
Current Plan for not Being Super Stressed Out and Keep Being Healthy and Strong and Not Gain a Bazillion Pounds and Keep Exercising Cause It Makes Me Happy FEATURING KITTIES:
I will attempt to keep track of foods I eat on my SP App. I'm not so much looking at the calories more as I'm getting enough Carbs, Protein, Fats, Etc. My Tracker is Viewable if anyone is ever curious.
I will continue 3 days of CrossFit a week tracking on my SP App
I will add 2 days of cardio
I will weigh MONTHLY and take measurements
I will continue a pretty clean somewhat Paleo Diet with treats and dairy here and there
I will be checking in from time to time, probably on Sunday, so I'm not leaving forever!
Also I do IG a little and I also have FB which I have cut back extensively. But just FYI!
I think that list pretty well covers what my plans are. I'll be around and watching like a creepy Santa. Wish me luck peeps! What for? Just in general. It's always nice to have some good luck!
Friday, January 31, 2014
I sobbed this morning. I didn't just shed a tear, or have a short huffy cry, or even a 5 minute weep. I sobbed uncontrollably this morning. Like a child. It's not something I am proud of, I actually contemplated not even sharing the true results of my Whole30 and just lying and saying that I had this tremendous weight loss and I was the happiest girl in the world. But I couldn't make myself lie. Not when I know that several people read my blogs to know how my many attempts to loss weight turn out.
So I'll make my results short and sweet. I completed a Whole30 with one cheat. The cheat was a sip of an alcoholic beverage at my sister's birthday extravaganza. I followed all the rules that were spelled out in the book. I'm SO very proud of myself. I truly am. I found a new love for foods I never thought I would like. Cauliflower, Turnips, Sweet Potato, Brussel Sprouts, and Butternut Squash just to name a few. I consumed more vegetables at breakfast, made homemade sauces like mayo and almond butter, gave up weekly wine, and started drinking black coffee. I rocked this Whole30.
So I started this Challenge at 176 , 33in waist and 43in hips. Firstly I was not happy with my weight to begin with. I had gained 4 pounds over Christmas and you know me, a one pound gain is the equivalent to somebody calling me ugly so 4 pounds is like I asked someone to dance with me at a pretend homecoming they said no, called me ugly, spit in my face, and went and made out with that B*tch ass preppy cheerleader that weighs 95 pounds (50 of them being boobs and ass). So my results this morning I weighed and I was 177 pounds and a 32in waist, 42in hips. That's right! I gained a whole pound! That statement in drenched in complete satire in my head now, but this morning I was truly devastated.
This is not what started the uncontrollable sobbing. Not at all. I actually stood there, took a deep breath, and told myself that I felt fantastic, looked slimmer, lost inches, and that I was building a ton of muscle doing Crossfit now. Not to worry about what that Sh*itty scale said that I was beautiful and I had accomplished one of the hardest challenges yet. So then I make a Paleo breakfast, eat, chat with Cory about my plans to Axe the Scale, and go to get ready for work. I decide on a very cute dress. One that I love dearly. Just a cute little Polka Dotted number that has always been kinda snug on my upper half, mainly because I like to wear padded bras. Not ashamed to admit it! Every girl likes a bit of cleavage every now and again. I put the dress on and got that god forsaken stinky zipper zipped and stood in front of the mirror thinking happy thoughts. Cory is hugging me from behind. He tends to do that in the morning knowing I hate it because I'm in the middle of rushing to get out the door for work and he's just trying to get in my way. I decided that this is the outfit and then I kind of pull at the bodice part a bit to straighten the cups of the dress out over my bra and what happens? The zipper rips right out of the seems. I crumbled.
Here's my issue. I was already dealing with my inner failure demons telling me that I will never lose any weight no matter what I do and then one of my favorite dresses decides to be a d*ck and split making be feel like the biggest fatty in the world. I cried, Cory got impatient and left the room. He doesn't understand. He's never had body issues. He's lucky. I'm a dieting mess. I'm addicted, not to dieting but to trying to lose the most weight I can the quickest I can possibly do it. So I guess then yes to dieting. I feel like a failure constantly if I don't magically drop weight. I'm in a rut. An awful spiraling rut. This was a weak moment.
So after I ripped off my clothes and continue to get ready and change into some comfy pants and a Star Wars tee, because lets face it after that nothing I was going to put on was going to make me feel good about the way I looked, I decided enough was enough. I cannot take the mental and emotional stress of dieting and scales, and numbers anymore. It's not healthy. I'm healthy physically, but if I keep worrying so freaking much about how much I weigh I will never be happy. I'll end up alone and pathetic with a constant self hatred that will stew forever. That's not going to happen. I refuse to let that happen. I'm too awesome for a tragic ending such as that.
So on my way to work I thought about my Whole30. I enjoyed the food, was very happy not worrying about weighing, exercised regularly, and felt much better about myself as well as in general. I enjoyed eating real food. I adopted a fantastic diet. I decided I'm going to continue eating Whole30ish. Not to lose weight, but to gain health. Then it clicked. Gain Health. That's what I did the last month. I became such a happy, healthy person that Cory even commented on how n ice it was to see me not stress about food.
So that's my first reason why I'm breaking up with my scale. To Gain Health. Mental Health, Emotional Health, and Physical Health.
Do I want to lose weight. Yes. I honestly do. But I want to be strong more. I want to have a good immune system. I want to be able to work hard, exercise hard, and feel great. I don't understand why people, including myself, are so obsessed with losing weight and then on top of that losing it so quickly. I'm done with that. As long as I'm still fitting in my clothes comfortable that scale and number on it can suck it.
And that brings me to reason number two. I am more than that freaking number on that scale. I am a person, a human being, and I literally only live once. Why should that number have any affect on me? I've lost hours, even days worrying about what that damn thing was going to say to me at the end of the week and I'm done.
I'm done dieting, I'll eat what I want that makes my body feel fantastic. I'll eat cupcakes if I feel like I deserve it, I'll eat turnips because they're delicious in soup. I'll eat salads and steak and beet juice because I like those things. F*ck trying to lose weight from it. How about I enjoy these healthy foods and so does my body.
This blog has turned into such a rant.
The last reason I'm giving up dieting and my scale is to love myself. Truly love myself. Not stand in front of the bathroom mirror and poke the pudgy places on my thighs. Not tell Cory that I feel fat in everything I put on. Not skip some dessert because I feel like I don't deserve it because I weigh more than I would like. Not put myself down because I'm not a perfect size 6. Guess what Amber! There's a reason you can never find your size on the racks at freaking JCP! Because there are a ton of people that are your exact same size and you know what, they probably feel great being that size too and you need to check yourself and do the same!
I do apologize if this wasn't the blog you expected and if I may have worried you when you read it. I had a lot to get off my chest and I needed this.
I will end on this. Although I have seemed to have had a mental breakdown upon completion of my Whole30 I'm very glad I did it. I feel as though I'm slowly striding in the right direction in my never-ending quest to find happiness and love within myself. It's not a sprint it is a marathon and I've definitely come to realize this fact. Tonight Cory and I are going out to celebrate our completion of Whole30 and hopefully a beginning to a wonderful new challenge that I will succeed at in the somewhat near future. What an adventure this will be.
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