Monday, February 24, 2014
Things are happening and my life is super stressful right now! Firstly there's school. I started back in full swing the beginning of this month. I'm roughly completing 1 class a month and I'm literally spending at least 20 hours a week on school work.
Sigh. It'll be worth it in the end right?
Secondly the head of our AP department quit last week. So my job just doubled at work. And the SP time I used to get on my 30 for lunch is now being divided between school work and regular work. I'm not taking lunches anymore.
Thirdly I went from working out around 8 hours a week to 3. That's all I have time to do in CrossFit. So I'm currently seeking some kind of at home workouts as well. I know there's always running, but I'm not happy with just running. I feel utterly lost when it comes to my exercise routine. I used to have a schedule and then Lisa's closed. I found CrossFit which is awesome, but I don't have time to go everyday. Someone told me about something called T25, but I haven't had a chance to really look into it. If anyone has used it please let me know if it's something worth getting. I think it's DVDs or something.
So here's my plan. Every week I make a schedule to go by to make sure that I cover everything I need to between school, life, and work. I'm going to attempt to work out 5 days a week. 3 I'll go to CrossFit and the 2 will have to be at home and most likely the weekend. I feel like I need a list. Let's make a list.
Current Plan for not Being Super Stressed Out and Keep Being Healthy and Strong and Not Gain a Bazillion Pounds and Keep Exercising Cause It Makes Me Happy FEATURING KITTIES:
I will attempt to keep track of foods I eat on my SP App. I'm not so much looking at the calories more as I'm getting enough Carbs, Protein, Fats, Etc. My Tracker is Viewable if anyone is ever curious.
I will continue 3 days of CrossFit a week tracking on my SP App
I will add 2 days of cardio
I will weigh MONTHLY and take measurements
I will continue a pretty clean somewhat Paleo Diet with treats and dairy here and there
I will be checking in from time to time, probably on Sunday, so I'm not leaving forever!
Also I do IG a little and I also have FB which I have cut back extensively. But just FYI!
I think that list pretty well covers what my plans are. I'll be around and watching like a creepy Santa. Wish me luck peeps! What for? Just in general. It's always nice to have some good luck!
Friday, January 31, 2014
I sobbed this morning. I didn't just shed a tear, or have a short huffy cry, or even a 5 minute weep. I sobbed uncontrollably this morning. Like a child. It's not something I am proud of, I actually contemplated not even sharing the true results of my Whole30 and just lying and saying that I had this tremendous weight loss and I was the happiest girl in the world. But I couldn't make myself lie. Not when I know that several people read my blogs to know how my many attempts to loss weight turn out.
So I'll make my results short and sweet. I completed a Whole30 with one cheat. The cheat was a sip of an alcoholic beverage at my sister's birthday extravaganza. I followed all the rules that were spelled out in the book. I'm SO very proud of myself. I truly am. I found a new love for foods I never thought I would like. Cauliflower, Turnips, Sweet Potato, Brussel Sprouts, and Butternut Squash just to name a few. I consumed more vegetables at breakfast, made homemade sauces like mayo and almond butter, gave up weekly wine, and started drinking black coffee. I rocked this Whole30.
So I started this Challenge at 176 , 33in waist and 43in hips. Firstly I was not happy with my weight to begin with. I had gained 4 pounds over Christmas and you know me, a one pound gain is the equivalent to somebody calling me ugly so 4 pounds is like I asked someone to dance with me at a pretend homecoming they said no, called me ugly, spit in my face, and went and made out with that B*tch ass preppy cheerleader that weighs 95 pounds (50 of them being boobs and ass). So my results this morning I weighed and I was 177 pounds and a 32in waist, 42in hips. That's right! I gained a whole pound! That statement in drenched in complete satire in my head now, but this morning I was truly devastated.
This is not what started the uncontrollable sobbing. Not at all. I actually stood there, took a deep breath, and told myself that I felt fantastic, looked slimmer, lost inches, and that I was building a ton of muscle doing Crossfit now. Not to worry about what that Sh*itty scale said that I was beautiful and I had accomplished one of the hardest challenges yet. So then I make a Paleo breakfast, eat, chat with Cory about my plans to Axe the Scale, and go to get ready for work. I decide on a very cute dress. One that I love dearly. Just a cute little Polka Dotted number that has always been kinda snug on my upper half, mainly because I like to wear padded bras. Not ashamed to admit it! Every girl likes a bit of cleavage every now and again. I put the dress on and got that god forsaken stinky zipper zipped and stood in front of the mirror thinking happy thoughts. Cory is hugging me from behind. He tends to do that in the morning knowing I hate it because I'm in the middle of rushing to get out the door for work and he's just trying to get in my way. I decided that this is the outfit and then I kind of pull at the bodice part a bit to straighten the cups of the dress out over my bra and what happens? The zipper rips right out of the seems. I crumbled.
Here's my issue. I was already dealing with my inner failure demons telling me that I will never lose any weight no matter what I do and then one of my favorite dresses decides to be a d*ck and split making be feel like the biggest fatty in the world. I cried, Cory got impatient and left the room. He doesn't understand. He's never had body issues. He's lucky. I'm a dieting mess. I'm addicted, not to dieting but to trying to lose the most weight I can the quickest I can possibly do it. So I guess then yes to dieting. I feel like a failure constantly if I don't magically drop weight. I'm in a rut. An awful spiraling rut. This was a weak moment.
So after I ripped off my clothes and continue to get ready and change into some comfy pants and a Star Wars tee, because lets face it after that nothing I was going to put on was going to make me feel good about the way I looked, I decided enough was enough. I cannot take the mental and emotional stress of dieting and scales, and numbers anymore. It's not healthy. I'm healthy physically, but if I keep worrying so freaking much about how much I weigh I will never be happy. I'll end up alone and pathetic with a constant self hatred that will stew forever. That's not going to happen. I refuse to let that happen. I'm too awesome for a tragic ending such as that.
So on my way to work I thought about my Whole30. I enjoyed the food, was very happy not worrying about weighing, exercised regularly, and felt much better about myself as well as in general. I enjoyed eating real food. I adopted a fantastic diet. I decided I'm going to continue eating Whole30ish. Not to lose weight, but to gain health. Then it clicked. Gain Health. That's what I did the last month. I became such a happy, healthy person that Cory even commented on how n ice it was to see me not stress about food.
So that's my first reason why I'm breaking up with my scale. To Gain Health. Mental Health, Emotional Health, and Physical Health.
Do I want to lose weight. Yes. I honestly do. But I want to be strong more. I want to have a good immune system. I want to be able to work hard, exercise hard, and feel great. I don't understand why people, including myself, are so obsessed with losing weight and then on top of that losing it so quickly. I'm done with that. As long as I'm still fitting in my clothes comfortable that scale and number on it can suck it.
And that brings me to reason number two. I am more than that freaking number on that scale. I am a person, a human being, and I literally only live once. Why should that number have any affect on me? I've lost hours, even days worrying about what that damn thing was going to say to me at the end of the week and I'm done.
I'm done dieting, I'll eat what I want that makes my body feel fantastic. I'll eat cupcakes if I feel like I deserve it, I'll eat turnips because they're delicious in soup. I'll eat salads and steak and beet juice because I like those things. F*ck trying to lose weight from it. How about I enjoy these healthy foods and so does my body.
This blog has turned into such a rant.
The last reason I'm giving up dieting and my scale is to love myself. Truly love myself. Not stand in front of the bathroom mirror and poke the pudgy places on my thighs. Not tell Cory that I feel fat in everything I put on. Not skip some dessert because I feel like I don't deserve it because I weigh more than I would like. Not put myself down because I'm not a perfect size 6. Guess what Amber! There's a reason you can never find your size on the racks at freaking JCP! Because there are a ton of people that are your exact same size and you know what, they probably feel great being that size too and you need to check yourself and do the same!
I do apologize if this wasn't the blog you expected and if I may have worried you when you read it. I had a lot to get off my chest and I needed this.
I will end on this. Although I have seemed to have had a mental breakdown upon completion of my Whole30 I'm very glad I did it. I feel as though I'm slowly striding in the right direction in my never-ending quest to find happiness and love within myself. It's not a sprint it is a marathon and I've definitely come to realize this fact. Tonight Cory and I are going out to celebrate our completion of Whole30 and hopefully a beginning to a wonderful new challenge that I will succeed at in the somewhat near future. What an adventure this will be.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
I want to scream and throw my computer across my room! But I don't. I just sign and think of the grand I just dropped on it and googled YouTube videos to help me learn the ways of Windows 8. I hate change. Especially when it comes to technological advances. I mean who would ever need a touch screen computer? What's with all the bells and whistles? I don't care if my computer has apps! I just want something that will turn on, connect to the all important inter-webs, and work for school. And Vlogs. DAMN VLOGS!
Anyways. I made a fantastic Vlog, but it won't upload for some reason and I've given up! I guess you kids will have to miss out on my cute face and adorable southern accent this week. I know you're all torn up about this on the inside, but lets try to keep it together.
So as of today I'm halfway done with Whole 30. I'm truly excited to say that! I really am! I'm struggling with the ice cream and wine though. I feel like I still need that in my life, in my stomach, right now. But I'm chugging along. Maybe my outlook will be slightly different after the final 15 days are up.
Meals are still as delicious as ever. I have found a new love for coconut, which is strange to me because I hated it as a child. It's a texture thing. But now I'm all about Coconut in all it's delicious forms. Oil, Butter, Milk, Aminos, Flakes, I like them all! Also I don't think I've ever ate so much meat in my entire life! SO MUCH MEAT and EGGS! It's not a bad thing, just funny cause it's completely opposite of how I dieted when I was losing weight. I went without meat for well over a year and now I'm consuming it at every meal. Who would have thought?
I survived a company lunch outing today and I'm pretty proud of myself for it. We went to a Mexican restaurant and I just invented my own meal. I had a piece of steak with fajita veggies, lettuce, tomato, and a fresh chunky guacamole on top and I drowned that bad boy with salsa. I survived without chips and a margarita. Score one for Ambular!
The real test will be the 24th. My sister's birthday! Not only do I usually make her a cake...not just any cake....a red velvet cake with a cheesecake layer covered in homemade cream cheese icing and topped with white chocolate shreds....We usually go out for dinner and drinks followed by dancing and drinks and ending in the Waffle House shoeless having a Grand Slam breakfast and drinking burnt coffee. There such good evenings! Well to avoid the alcohol I went ahead and offered to DD. Good thinking right? As far as the cake is concerned, I haven't decided if I'm going to attempt to make it for her during Whole 30, I mean who am I kidding I can't NOT like a bowl, or just surprise her with it on the first of February. I'm thinking the second one sounds good right?
Other exciting things that are happening at this very moment are as follows:
Cory started school! I'm so proud of my companion! He's so excited too, almost to the point where I want to stab him if he shows me his organizational Trapper Keeper skills one more time.... :)
I'm starting school. I would exclaim this but I'm just not as excited about it as Cory. The one thing I am excited about it my awesome job paying for it. That right there makes me so ex-freaking-static. Luckily I'm going all online considering my work schedule and it should only take about 2 1 /2 years to get what I need. So that's wonderful. Note this being the reason for the new laptop. So I guess yay me.
CrossFit is still going well. I'm getting stronger and I always leave feeling pretty proud of myself for what I did in class, even if I'm still in the beginner's classes. I love the challenge! Also once I'm out of the beginner's class I can get a Student Discount on my monthly membership, so that's a plus!
Going back with the Whole30 I don't feel like I've lost any weight. I feel better than I have in a whole, but I don't feel lighter. I'm just a little worried that I'm gaining weight, but I don't think that this is possible. I know it's my scale anxiety showing it's ugly face. Damn numbers!
I'm leaving you once again with a collection of pictures of foods I've been consuming on a daily basis!
Monday, January 06, 2014
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to complete a Whole30 in January. How original right? After huge binges ranging from October to December January is definitely my Knight in Shining Armor. And I was so ready to hit that reset button. I was tired of the gorging until I couldn't move, but hey if someone shoves a piece of Red Velvet cake in my face smothered in cream cheese icing and Pecans encrusting the sides I will NEVER say no. I can't. I think it's in my genetics, from my mother's sides. Every woman in our family loves Red Velvet Cake. As everyone should.
Anyways, I bought this book called It Starts With Food. I read it. I thought about whether a Whole30 was really worth it. I mean 30 days without ice cream didn't seem possible. Then it hit me. That thought really did cross my mind. I truly thought I could not go 30 days without ice cream. I have joked about this in the past. I have friends and we joke about it all the time. Our never ending love for ALL frosty, double churned, and delicious ice cream treats. But the fact that I literally thought to myself for an utter second that I physically could not got for 30 days without a bite of it made me mad! Mad at myself for automatically assuming I couldn't achieve something as simple as no ice cream and also mad at myself for allowing ice cream to have that power over me! HA. Well So Long Ice Cream. Whole30 is HERE. Challenge Accepted.
There have been some highs and lows the past 5 days. Granted I have been eating Whole30ish off and on for the past few weeks to get myself ready for this month, but considering I would do well during the week and then eat tons of sweets on the weekend it wasn't exactly legit preparation. The first few days were fine. I started on Thursday so I had New Years Day to kind of prep a few things and make sure all foods Cory and I were going to eat were compliant to the Whole30 rules.
My Meals have been pretty simple so far. A lot of what I like to call Trash Hash. Spread it around. It's a cool term kids! It's basically just a bunch of Veggies and some kind of meat cooked up in my cast iron pan with some fried eggs on top. It's delicious! No Worries. And it's fast.
I have to say that the weekends are definitely the toughest. Especially when Cory and I are on the couch playing Super Mario and NOT enjoying a bowl of ice cream together. This past Sunday i didn't know what to do! I had an fantastic breakfast and it was getting to be lunch time and I didn't want food I wanted sweets so I made a bowl of fruit for lunch. It's not the worst I could have down. Those Lara Bars were calling my name in the kitchen. Instead I cut up an apple and had it with some pineapple and strawberries. I have mixed feelings about this because technically I was just trying to substitute the fruit for our ice cream so that's no bueno. But I didn't eat anything that I wasn't supposed to so that's good. I'll take it as a win!
So needless to say so far so good. I try to post pictures of all my delish meals on Instagram, yes I'm that person, so everyone can see how not so appetizing they may look. :) My food Photography skills are not up to par with those crazy food blog ladies! Here's a few examples of what I've been chowing on.
Oh and just a side note. Cory has hidden the scale from me for these 30 days. I'm having number withdrawals!
And just for fun here's the last thing we had before Whole30. Homemade Pizza!
And my New Year's Selfie Just Because.
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