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How Can You NOT Forgive??

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I've always thought that a flaw in my character was that I couldn't "forgive", but after reading Jonathan Lockwood Huie's Daily Inspiration today, I realize that I never really understood what "to forgive" means.

Everyone suffers hurts and wrongs, some horrendous. One of J. Huie's affirmations is, "I forgive everyone, especially myself, for all actions and all inactions throughout my entire life." Now this sounds all well and good and it provoked a number of responses especially from those who had suffered various forms of abuse who just couldn't bring themselves to forgive those that had caused them harm. His explanation of "forgiveness" has made such an impact on me that I thought I would share it.

"My article "Regrets, Resentments and the Path to Forgiveness" has generated several comments and questions that I would like to address. First, a brief summary of the original article...

I forgive everyone for every "wrong" that I believe they have ever inflicted upon me. I forgive them for my own sake, that I may release the venom - the anger and resentment within myself - and regain my joy and serenity. I have compassion for everyone who has ever been a player upon the stage of my life.

Forgiveness is not a reprieve that you give to someone else. Forgiveness for another's act or omission is a gift that you give yourself. You are the one who suffers the upset and the anger when you feel that you have been wronged. It is your own blood pressure that rises when you hold on to resentment.

Forgiving others is a gift to yourself, given not because the other deserves pardon, but because you deserve the serenity and joy that comes from releasing resentment and anger, and from embracing universal forgiveness.

------

Three anonymous comments/questions I received...

Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I have been wronged by the ones I loved all my life and I am not sure how to let go of the anger and to forgive them. I want to let go of the burden I have been carrying for so long.

I have been abused sexually and beaten by my father almost everyday, I stood there while he beat my mother and my sister and brother. He even tried to molest my sister. Well, he committed suicide a few years back and it's very hard to forgive him for what he has done, but after reading this, I guess that I can try. It just hurts. I think about it almost everyday. Then I get very upset.

I was sexually violated by my stepfather many years ago and it continued through my whole childhood. The only reason it stopped is because I ran away at age fourteen. How can I forgive someone who said I was a liar? He did it to my 4 sisters and I have no family because they all turned on me for speaking up. I find myself very alone at times and I wonder "Did I do the right thing?"

------

Thank you for your questions. Life has been very hard on you. I wish it could have been otherwise.

I will attempt to answer your question, "How can I forgive?" The short answer is that your act of forgiveness is for yourself, to enable you to stop suffering.

To expand upon the nature and benefits of forgiveness, let's look first at what it means to forgive. The dictionary tells us that "to forgive" means "to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for something they did or failed to do." It does not mean that you believe what the person did was acceptable then, or is now acceptable, or ever could be acceptable.

Forgiveness is about ending your anger. Anger is a destructive human emotion that rots our insides. It causes much of the physical illness in the world as well as untold emotional suffering. Freeing yourself from as much anger as you are holding is like taking a three hundred pound weight off your chest and six daggers out of your ribs.

The better question might be, "How can you NOT forgive?" Forgiveness - forgiveness of all people and all acts - is a sure path to happiness.

So what can you do today to end the resentment and anger, and create forgiveness and happiness? Carrying around three hundred pounds of anger is a little like carrying around three hundred pounds of excess weight. It took years to grow that much anger, and it will take time to shed the anger. Today, hold the intention to be one percent less angry than yesterday. Do the same thing tomorrow. If you can stick to that emotional diet, you will have lost all your anger and resentment, as well as any regrets about anything you yourself did or did not do, in three or four months. I'm rooting for you."

I know this is a little long, but I learned a lot from it today. I'm definitely going to work on "letting go" of past hurts and stored up anger - it's what's best for me and my health. I'm not accepting them - just letting them go. Perhaps though my problem hasn't been one so much of "forgiveness" as "forgetting" - isn't "not forgetting" a kind of self-protection?? Anyhoo, I'm going to work on "letting it go", "letting it go" a little bit more each day - taking it one day at a time - for me!!!

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~ Paul Boese

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. ~ Harriet Nelson

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILDFLOWER- 10/13/2009 9:06AM

    Thank you for sharing these thoughts. Life is way to short to let those who have done us wrong continue to control our lives long after the deed they did is done.

Be Peaceful. Shine On. emoticon

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SLARTYB 10/13/2009 8:30AM

    You are absolutely right - our emotions (whether its bitter resentment or joy) belong to us, we are responsible for them. We choose whether to nurture them or move on. I can feel myself getting physically upset (raised heart-rate, etc.) when I think about things that have happened in the past and so I can either choose to keep bringing up those memories or, as soon as I remember, immediately try & think about something else. I am trying to make it a habit of NOT thinking about resentments I've had. This isn't exactly 'forgiveness', but its the next best thing......


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DRAGONFLY180 10/13/2009 7:40AM

    very nice blog and great message.

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JEN1239 6/16/2009 12:41PM

    I am not sure what to do about the people that I have forgiven. Forgiving and moving on seems to be the easy part. Running into them on a regular basis is the difficult part.

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LADYHYJINX 6/15/2009 10:54PM

    Excellent lesson. Ligltbulbs going off everywhere for me.

Thanks,
Carol

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HOLLYS_HERE 6/15/2009 10:32AM

    This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you so much!! You are always a wonderful source of inspiration.

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MJHUGHES12 6/15/2009 7:11AM

    Thanks for sharing!

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DENNIS48 6/14/2009 11:12PM

    This is exceptional.

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WILDCARD1 6/14/2009 10:57PM

    This is a different perspective. It is something that is going to be hard to do, but it really makes so much sense. great blog! Thanks!

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Do Small Bouts of Exercise Really Work??

Saturday, June 13, 2009



I'm finding it harder and harder to get in the exercise like I used to as the demands of my active 3 year old granddaughter (who I "nanny") increase. I know all younger mothers can relate to this and I all too well remember how hard it was to put in time for myself in those days - and here I am again in a similar situation. And with the arrival of my new grandson (another darling to eventually "nanny") in the Fall, well, I've had to rethink my exercise regime and plan ahead.

And that's why I was so encouraged when I read this SP Family Health & WellnessTip:

"Shorter Workouts Help Build Consistency

Most experts recommend that you exercise up to 90 minutes most days of the week, emphasizing that you gradually work your way up to that duration. However, a recent study conducted at Boston Sports Clubs found that participants who exercised for 20-30 minutes did so more consistently than those involved in 45-60 minute workout sessions. This study shows that you're more likely to stick to a shorter duration workout than a longer one.

Action Sparked: If you and your family members are having trouble staying consistent with exercise, try a shorter workout session. Tell yourself that you'll exercise for 10 or 15 minutes, and follow through with it. Of course 10 minutes of exercise is better than totally skipping a workout. But, once you've hit that small goal (whether it's 5, 10, or 20 minutes), ask yourself if you could keep going. You may find that planning on a short workout is enough to get everyone to the gym (or park, trail, etc.), and once you're there, you can do a lot more than you thought."

Great news, but what about health benefits? If I workout for shorter periods of time will I still get the same benefits in helping lower my blood pressure?? So I did some research and found this great WebMD article at www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/featu
res/how-much-exercise-do-you-really-need
"How Much Exercise Do You Really Need?"

Apparently "there's building evidence that short but frequent bouts of exercise can yield plenty of health benefits.

* A study published by the American Journal of Sports Medicine in 2006 showed that short walks after dinner were more effective than long exercise sessions in reducing the amount of fat and triglyceride levels in the bloodstream after a hearty meal. (Great!!!)

* Research published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health showed that short bouts of exercise helped lower blood pressure as well as shave inches off the hips and waistline. (BINGO - that's what I was looking for!)

* In a study published in Preventive Medicine in 2006, researchers found that multiple workout sessions as short as 6 minutes apiece could help sedentary adults reach fitness goals similar to those achieved by working out for 30 minutes at a time. (Now that's attainable for just about everyone, isn't it!!)

* In a finding published in the journal Psychopharmacology, doctors found that short bursts of exercise could help reduce the craving for cigarettes and help people quit smoking." (I should share this with all my smoker friends!)

"There is no question that short amounts of exercise can help you get fit, help you stay fit, and help you maintain your health," says personal fitness coach Susie Shina, author of Sixty Second Circuits. "You can stay fit in increments as short as 4 and 5 minutes at a time."

"The best part about that is that everyone can find 5 minutes a few times a day, says Shina, owner of a mobile personal training center called Fitness 180.

"Some of these exercises can fit into a 5-minute time period at work, at your desk, waiting on line in the grocery store, even driving in your car," says Shina. "It's not an overwhelming task, and the benefits can be enormous."

I must admit the idea of getting in 10 min. bouts of exercise here and there whenever I can throughout the day seems less daunting to my present circumstances and now that I know I'll still get the same health benefits of longer periods on my blood pressure - well - it sounds like a good workable plan for me!!!

And I found a good SP article on how to help me do just that at www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness
_articles.asp?id=202
"Small Bits of Exercise Add Up"

So I now have no excuses not to "Keep Moving", I just have to "Eat Less" to stay on plan LOL!!!



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILDCARD1 6/13/2009 1:20PM

    Exercising at least 10 min a day is one of my goals that I track all the time. I can always find time to do 10 min!!!

thanks!

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Laugh ... Laugh ... Laugh!!!

Sunday, May 31, 2009



Good news!! It looks like the old adage "Laughter is the best medicine" may indeed have some truth to it according to the results of a two studies recently reported in SP's Health News.

Apparently, the two studies "found that laughter not only can reduce stress, which can damage the heart, it can lead to improved blood flow, which can help ward off high blood pressure."

The first group was comprised of healthy adults who were "asked to watch either a comedy or documentary film. They were then checked for activity of the carotid arteries -- the main arteries in the neck that bring blood to the brain and face -- during the films.

People who watched the comedy displayed improved "arterial compliance" -- the amount of blood that moves through the arteries at a given time. Decreased arterial compliance is often linked with high blood pressure and heart disease, according to an American College of Sports Medicine news release.

"Arterial compliance was improved for a full 24 hours after subjects watched a funny movie," said lead researcher Jun Sugawara. "Laughing is likely not the complete solution to a healthy heart, but it appears to contribute to positive effects."

The second study focused on vascular function and the dilation of blood vessels. When a second group of adults watched either a comedy or a serious documentary, there was more dilation of blood vessels during the comedy. Constricted blood vessels can be a cause of high blood pressure, the news release said.

"Not only did comedies improve vascular dilation, but watching a documentary about a depressing subject was actually harmful to the blood vessels," said Takashi Tarumi, lead researcher on the second study. "These documentaries constricted blood vessels by about 18 percent."

And interestingly, "In both studies, the beneficial effects of laughter lasted for 24 hours, the researchers said."

(To see the article, go to
www.sparkpeople.com/resource/health_
news_detail.asp?health_day=627577
)

Action Plan: Watch a comedy film - attend a comedy show - tell a good joke and laugh, laugh, laugh!!!

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. ~ Yiddish Proverb

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. ~ Irish Proverb

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. ~ Arnold Glasow

A good, real, unrestrained, hearty laugh is a sort of glorified internal massage, performed rapidly and automatically. It manipulates and revitalizes corners and unexplored crannies of the system that are unresponsive to most other exercise methods. ~ Author unknown, from an editorial in New York Tribune, quoted in Quotations for Special Occasions by Maud van Buren










  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILDCARD1 6/2/2009 9:36AM

    I love comedies!!! Now there is an even better reason to watch them!

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MOM1014 6/1/2009 8:32AM

    Glad you posted this. More people should laugh. Crying only makes your eyes puffy.

Hugs,
Lee

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ARLENE70 6/1/2009 8:00AM

  Yes laughter is good for the soul. Thanks for reminding us Val.

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LADYHYJINX 5/31/2009 7:09PM

    Geez, wonder if I could go on a laughter diet and lose weight!!

Thanks for sharing the article.

Carol

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PLAYFULLKITTY 5/31/2009 7:31AM

    And what they didn't tell ya was that laughter burns a calorie a minute...wohoo!!! so yep...laugh it up.

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Worry ... Worry ... Worry!!!

Friday, May 29, 2009



"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." ~ Leo Buscaglia

I'm a worry-wort! I worry about everything!! I've had to work hard over the years to suppress my worrying and learn to "accept what I can't change", but it's a constant struggle so I really appreciate reading reminders about the cost of worrying and today's Healthy Reflection has done just that.

"The destructive power of worry

Legend has it that 90% of what we worry about never comes to pass. Whether that is statistically precise or not, there's probably some truth to it in your life. How much of our lives do we miss because we're agonizing over what might happen down the road? How often do we fail to act--even if it's the right thing to do--because we fear any number of possible consequences? Fretting over the future doesn't solve any impending problems. It only paralyzes your actions of the present. It stresses you out, makes you mentally and physically tired, and saps all the fun out of what could have been another great day. Next time you start to worry about what might happen, think of this: You can prepare, but you cannot predict. So do what you can and forget what you cannot."

Dr. Shad Helmstetter tells us that it's not natural to worry - that it's not an instinct or a trait - that it's a habit that's learned.

"Worry is different from "being concerned." It is natural to be concerned about things that threaten you or someone or something important to you. Concern is your mind's way of getting you to take notice and, if necessary take action.

But healthy concern often turns into unhealthy worry - a form of fear and doubt that all too often exaggerates a problem, makes you dwell on it and replay it over and over in your mind without creating a solution.

The truth is, we can't solve some of the things that bother us, while we can solve others. The solution for worry, as we have often been told, is to do something about those things we can change, and learn to accept those things which we cannot."

I find that focusing on positive self-talk messages helps me deal with my learned negative thinking - sometimes I verbally say them to myself and sometimes I repeatedly write them down. Ones I use to help combat worrying are:

"My mind focuses its attention only on those things that I can do something about. If I cannot affect it or direct it - I accept it."

"My mind is constantly in tune with the positive - it is bright, cheerful, enthusiastic - and full of good, positive thoughts and ideas."

"I am able to relax easily and comfortably in my body and in my mind. I am calm, confident, and self-assured."

and my favourite,

"I control the thoughts I choose. No thought, at any time, can dwell in my mind without my approval or permission."

Yup, I'm working on it!!!



"Rule number one is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it's all small stuff." ~ Robert Eliot








  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILDCARD1 5/30/2009 11:50AM

    With what is going on in the world today, it is hard not to worry! But you are right, we cannot change most of what is going on, so why should we let that get in the way of enjoying our life? I too worry about stuff that I probably should let go, and most of the time I can, but it does sneak in there once in a while, and then I fret about it.

Great blog! Thanks for sharing!

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GOING-STRONG 5/30/2009 10:35AM

    Thanks for sharing. Worry does rob you of the joy in life if you don't keep it in check. I have found GOLF to be a great activity because one thing you can't do on the course is think about anything other than the game or your next shot. Best to you,
Rhonda

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ARLENE70 5/30/2009 8:19AM

  Thanks for sharing...........I too am a worry wort as was my mother. You think I would have learned not to worry as worrying had a big part to do with her health. She did live to be eight-six but was on many meds. Worrying does havoc to your physical self as well as mental stress. I too work on this.

Great blog.....thanks again

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PLAYFULLKITTY 5/30/2009 7:32AM

    I...like you...are a worry wort...but with me...i turn also into a drama queen *blush* i just know i will never get through this (whatever the "this" is at the time) and oh my...i can work myself into quite a little tizzy...i also have worked hard on this aspect in my life...as i have found that no matter what amount of worry i put into it...no matter how much of tizzy i make of it...it only adds stress to me and those around me and does not change the fact that it's still there... so now, i work on solutions and move on...it's still hard some days...and yea... the drama queen still comes out now and then...but i am a work in progress :)

thank you for your wonderful and motivating blog :)

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ZENAMOORE 5/29/2009 10:51PM

    You are such an inspiration! My #1 Motivator!
Thank you so Much
~Zena~ emoticon emoticon

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BEESPARKLE 5/29/2009 7:16PM

    Thanks for sharing. Good.

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Letting Go Of The Familiar

Thursday, May 28, 2009



"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar." ~ Raymond Lindquist

Losing weight is fearsome for a lot of us even though we may not recognize it.

We may not like how our overweight physical selves feel or look, but it's what we know and are used to. And even as we start losing weight, knowing full well we are healthier for it in so many ways, it's still unknown territory so to speak.

Some unrecognized fears may be

- fear of failure especially if previous attempts have not been successful either short term or long term

- as loss of excess weight will likely bring about more energy & better health, will more be expected of us?

- will others not only "view" us differently, but "treat" us differently as well?

- when reaching goal, will it just be "one more obligation" for us to meet in order to maintain it?

- as we lose weight and start looking better, will our personalities change?

Yes, for many of us our excess weight has been a psychological cover/comforter for what we know - a protector from those unknowns. We need "courage" to realize that if any of these fears become reality with successful weight loss that we can deal with them. Because the bottom line is that regardless of what fears we may have we have to stay focused on our health and fitness goals - it's what's best for us and what we need to do each and every day!!

Today's affirmation: "I release the familiar that I may better discover my inspiring future." ~ Jonathan Lockwood Huie


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILDCARD1 5/29/2009 12:36PM

    Great blog Val! Thanks for the insight!

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