Monday, November 12, 2012
i needed to do some shopping for winter clothes. i've been having difficulty keeping my pants up, but i just blamed it on my "funnel" shape. i found out i needed a smaller size of jeans. i am beyond shocked--i don't think i've been in a size 10 since 1982 or 1983. i am shocked for a few reasons....first i never thought i'd fit into that size again. second because when i was a size 26, i thought a 14 would be grand, and lastly because even seeing myself in a size 10, i still am very unhappy with the reflection in the mirror. it's all further proof that this battle will likely rage in my head...probably for the rest of my life. but i will continue to learn and grow, get healthier, and find new ways to think about, and talk to, myself.
my weight hasn't really changed since june...i've been bouncing up and down in the 167-174 range, which puts me hanging out on the cusp of the overweight/obese dividing line. that number, and designation make me feel really fat. i know there are a few factors i have to keep in mind...i have always been structurally dense, i am very large-busted, and i am now pretty muscular. since my weight didn't change, i was surprised to learn my size had. as a teen/young adult, i was anorexic. all of my adult life, i've been overweight-obese. as i've been dropping weight, i have teetered on the edge of anorexia.
i've still got a ways to go! a number on a clothing tag or a scale isn't going to make anything magically different. i will always have to be careful about what i think, what i eat, and what i do.