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baby steps....

Monday, November 18, 2013

19 minutes on the bike.....slowly recovering and my heel is holding up. emoticon the time of rest was good for me.
i'm continuing to work on re-wiring my thought processes. i really appreciated this article: www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-estee
i skimmed over it, and was like, "yeah, i get that, move on." then i slowed down, bookmarked it, and keep looking at it. repetition is a good thing.

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LINTPICKER 11/19/2013 7:20AM

    looks like a really good article. Perhaps I should book mark it too!

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back in the saddle

Sunday, November 17, 2013

i'm finding my way back from the brink....riding my bike and doing gentle dancing. the heel is holding up so far.....i will keep pedaling along and working my way back. emoticon

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EBURGITE 11/18/2013 1:39AM

    thanks for the encouragement. you've been thru quite a lot, marilyn!

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MARILYNROBERT 11/17/2013 9:54PM

    Over the last two years I had knee surgery and two foot surgeries and I'm finally back! I won't be able to run again but I can walk and bike. Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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changing my mind

Saturday, November 16, 2013

i have realized that unless i change how i think about myself, and how i talk to myself, i will never find peace, nor will i win this battle.
it feels as if life is sort of like "groundhog day," in that i keep coming around to the same things over and over and over, until i get them right. for as far back as i can remember, i have felt fat. unlovely. unacceptable. a size 7, or 10, or even 14 isn't "fat." fluffy, maybe, emoticon but not the horror i see it as. i live on a dishonest level, where i say, it's ok if i don't get back down to my smallest size, or lowest weight. deep down, though, that IS my goal. i just don't let it see the light of day....where it can be scrutinized, and ultimately corrected.
when i was about 12, my mom bought a skirt for me, and she had me try it on. it was a size 3. i couldn't zip it up all the way. her comment: "god! you're a horse." logically, i know being a size 5 doesn't make you a horse, but that is etched in the depth of my self-image. we won't even talk about what being a size 28 meant! i think i've been trying to get down to that size ever since....like if i were a size 3, then i finally wouldn't be a horse. honestly, i'm not sure my SKELETON could even be a size three!!! so, it's time to get real.
i breezed past a size three, and i will never get there. anorexia couldn't accomplish it. that failure was the beginning of a decades-long battle i'm still fighting. i think the most destructive enemy is my desire to be a size 3. i need to put that emoticon to death.
so, i will diligently work my way back down to a size 10/12, and i will be re-training my thoughts along the way. i think the retraining will be much harder than the eating/exercise thing, but it will be so emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MJLUVSANIMALS 11/17/2013 5:25PM

    Parents and siblings and friends, even your mate, don't realize how hurtful words can affect us for the rest of our lives. Todays sizing is so different than when I was a child, so I don't hold it to the past sizing. I just feel comfortable in whatever size I become, as long as I am feeling healthier along with it.

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MARILYNROBERT 11/17/2013 4:10PM

    I know my problems start in my head. I need to stay aware of that fact so that I can work on them and move forward every day. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PEGGYO 11/16/2013 8:49PM

    Isn't it funny how we take some of the things that our Mothers told us as true but not others?

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EBURGITE 11/16/2013 6:34PM

    thanks for the encouragement. emoticon

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AUNTB63 11/16/2013 4:26PM

    I have a few horror stories when clothes shopping when I was a kid. What I do know that holding onto them would not make me a better person today. We need to learn to love the skin we are in no matter what size we are because changing sizes wouldn't make us love ourselves any more. I hope you succeed in getting rid of those unbearable thoughts of a size 3. I'm sure there are some people who as adults can wear a size 3 or 10, but most of us a destined to be 12 and 14's....and so what.
When I got into a 12 I was shocked, but felt good about my body and the way I looked. Make healthy choices this weekend and be kind to yourself.

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BEEJAY49 11/16/2013 4:04PM

    I hope to be a 10/12 someday too, that's a good size for most of us and you CAN do it! :) HUGS!

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moving on

Friday, November 15, 2013

today is day three of a fresh start. fall down seven times, get back up. so i'm getting up again. working my way back to where i was. i wish i didn't have to, but i would rather work hard to get there than stay where i am.
i was diagnosed with a bone spur under my achilles tendon, so the doc said no more running. that was a huge blow, and i've spent most of time since that diagnosis throwing my form of a tantrum. it's time to get over it, put my big girl panties on, and work on figuring out what i CAN do.
the good: i've been drinking my water, eating my fruits and veggies, and avoiding sugar. the bad, i've been eating too much, and mostly not exercising.
i've learned a lot in the past 2 years and 3 months. i'm trusting that all that will help me in moving forward. i know tracking doesn't work for me, because i get insane. i know what a healthy day should look like, so i will work hard to eat that way.
the exercise thing will be more challenging...dancing, jumping jacks, walking, running, all put a lot of stress on my feet, so i'm not sure how all that will work. perhaps as i move closer to my goal weight, i can pick some of those things up. at this point, i need to be careful so i don't injure myself more. bike riding, gentle dancing...we'll see what else i can find.
hope you're all making progress.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EBURGITE 11/16/2013 8:34AM

    biking is definitely a great way to go, dj. =)
thanks, beejay.

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DJ4HEALTH 11/16/2013 12:25AM

    How about riding a bike? that takes the weight off the feet!!

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BEEJAY49 11/15/2013 3:43PM

    Welcome back to a fresh day! I know you can find some exercises you can do! Keep moving forward! :) HUGS!

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it's a new day

Thursday, August 01, 2013

it's challenging to be honest about re-gaining part of what i've lost. emoticon the pounds were creeping on, but the last few months, they've just piled on. 4-1/2 years ago, my husband lost his job. he opted for re-training, since the newspaper business was tanking. he's in the medical field now, with a new job. if you've never experienced long-term unemployment, there's no way i can adequately explain the toll it extracts. it's been an emotional roller coaster. he applied at about 150 places. and got very few responses. between applying for his job and to starting work, 15 days elapsed, and we traveled 1600 miles. today marks 3 months. i've traveled that same distance 3 more times, and it's just been insane. moving is soooo challenging. i'm finally here to stay. i won't have to be worrying about packing, cleaning, selling, packing, driving....etc, etc, etc.
tuesday was day one. i cut out sugar treats. it's time to start my exercise program again, but i'm not sure what that will look like. it will take a while for me to adjust to the elevation change, so i'll take it slow.
onward and upward......

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COMPUCATHY 8/1/2013 8:59PM

    DH and I have experienced a lot of unemployment so I do know what you're talking about. He's in construction which fluctuates A LOT... When he's working, it's great. When he's not, ick. Glad you are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel! Welcome to August! Day one! Let's make it an Awesome August and finish off summer with a bang! Set your goals...find your focus...look at where you're starting...and set your eyes on where you want to go! We can do it! Keep up the good work! Thanks for the encouragement! Spark on! emoticon emoticon

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ELIZACG9 8/1/2013 12:32PM

    Good Luck to you and your husband.... emoticon

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KNYAGENYA 8/1/2013 11:27AM

    Wow! I hope things start to settle down for you. I have been unemployed for 9 months so I understand the amount of stress you had.

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A_BIT_AT_A_TIME 8/1/2013 10:01AM

    That's a *lot* of stress, all that traveling, moving, wow. You will feel so much better when you're settled and back into a routine of some sort! Be good to yourself - you'll get back into the groove!

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