Monday, November 18, 2013
19 minutes on the bike.....slowly recovering and my heel is holding up. the time of rest was good for me.
i'm continuing to work on re-wiring my thought processes. i really appreciated this article: www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-estee
m/MH00129 i skimmed over it, and was like, "yeah, i get that, move on." then i slowed down, bookmarked it, and keep looking at it. repetition is a good thing.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
i'm finding my way back from the brink....riding my bike and doing gentle dancing. the heel is holding up so far.....i will keep pedaling along and working my way back.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
i have realized that unless i change how i think about myself, and how i talk to myself, i will never find peace, nor will i win this battle.
it feels as if life is sort of like "groundhog day," in that i keep coming around to the same things over and over and over, until i get them right. for as far back as i can remember, i have felt fat. unlovely. unacceptable. a size 7, or 10, or even 14 isn't "fat." fluffy, maybe, but not the horror i see it as. i live on a dishonest level, where i say, it's ok if i don't get back down to my smallest size, or lowest weight. deep down, though, that IS my goal. i just don't let it see the light of day....where it can be scrutinized, and ultimately corrected.
when i was about 12, my mom bought a skirt for me, and she had me try it on. it was a size 3. i couldn't zip it up all the way. her comment: "god! you're a horse." logically, i know being a size 5 doesn't make you a horse, but that is etched in the depth of my self-image. we won't even talk about what being a size 28 meant! i think i've been trying to get down to that size ever since....like if i were a size 3, then i finally wouldn't be a horse. honestly, i'm not sure my SKELETON could even be a size three!!! so, it's time to get real.
i breezed past a size three, and i will never get there. anorexia couldn't accomplish it. that failure was the beginning of a decades-long battle i'm still fighting. i think the most destructive enemy is my desire to be a size 3. i need to put that to death.
so, i will diligently work my way back down to a size 10/12, and i will be re-training my thoughts along the way. i think the retraining will be much harder than the eating/exercise thing, but it will be so
Friday, November 15, 2013
today is day three of a fresh start. fall down seven times, get back up. so i'm getting up again. working my way back to where i was. i wish i didn't have to, but i would rather work hard to get there than stay where i am.
i was diagnosed with a bone spur under my achilles tendon, so the doc said no more running. that was a huge blow, and i've spent most of time since that diagnosis throwing my form of a tantrum. it's time to get over it, put my big girl panties on, and work on figuring out what i CAN do.
the good: i've been drinking my water, eating my fruits and veggies, and avoiding sugar. the bad, i've been eating too much, and mostly not exercising.
i've learned a lot in the past 2 years and 3 months. i'm trusting that all that will help me in moving forward. i know tracking doesn't work for me, because i get insane. i know what a healthy day should look like, so i will work hard to eat that way.
the exercise thing will be more challenging...dancing, jumping jacks, walking, running, all put a lot of stress on my feet, so i'm not sure how all that will work. perhaps as i move closer to my goal weight, i can pick some of those things up. at this point, i need to be careful so i don't injure myself more. bike riding, gentle dancing...we'll see what else i can find.
hope you're all making progress.
Thursday, August 01, 2013
it's challenging to be honest about re-gaining part of what i've lost. the pounds were creeping on, but the last few months, they've just piled on. 4-1/2 years ago, my husband lost his job. he opted for re-training, since the newspaper business was tanking. he's in the medical field now, with a new job. if you've never experienced long-term unemployment, there's no way i can adequately explain the toll it extracts. it's been an emotional roller coaster. he applied at about 150 places. and got very few responses. between applying for his job and to starting work, 15 days elapsed, and we traveled 1600 miles. today marks 3 months. i've traveled that same distance 3 more times, and it's just been insane. moving is soooo challenging. i'm finally here to stay. i won't have to be worrying about packing, cleaning, selling, packing, driving....etc, etc, etc.
tuesday was day one. i cut out sugar treats. it's time to start my exercise program again, but i'm not sure what that will look like. it will take a while for me to adjust to the elevation change, so i'll take it slow.
onward and upward......
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