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Sunday was soso & Today was a total bust!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Well today was enough of the punishment I put on myself by allowing my emotions to get the best of me and eating them. Yesterday i had better gripe on it.

So today is my 7th year anniversary with my wonderful husband. He is my soulmate and the one person I can trust with my past. No judgement; just love and understanding and compassion. We went out on date tonight and that was fun. He mustard up enough strength.

Group tomorrow and not really wanting to go but i will push myself there!!
Little self and I need some quiet time. Off i go to write!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEWINGMAMACDS 6/18/2013 9:55PM

    emoticon Congratulations!

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SUNPANTHER 6/18/2013 1:00AM

    Congrats on your anniversary, and I'm glad you both took time out to celebrate in a special way.

Enough of the punishment. Breathe, accept, and go to your group - who will hold you in love and understanding.


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JO88BAKO 6/18/2013 12:52AM

    Hope you have a geat anniversary day! Our 35th is in a couple weeks. Hang in there, make good food choices one at a time. You can do it!!

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Today it was more than enough!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Today I did my best come in within my calorie range and busted chops in my exercising woggled (walk/jogged) 4 miles Mentally feeling much better!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEWINGMAMACDS 6/18/2013 9:54PM


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NBARNES 6/16/2013 2:08PM

    Hey - in MY book that is A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT! Good for you, maybe I should hang around this blog for awhile and see if any of that good karma rubs off on me!


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SUNPANTHER 6/16/2013 1:57AM

    Well done!

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KESTRYLL 6/16/2013 12:18AM


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ANDYGIRL1219 6/16/2013 12:16AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Vulnerability - Brene Brown

Friday, June 14, 2013

¡°Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy¡ªthe experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.¡±
¨D Bren¨¦ Brown

¡°The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.¡±
¨D Bren¨¦ Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

¡°We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.¡±
¨D Bren¨¦ Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

I love her TED Talks two great YouTube links:

This one is on Shame:

This was on Vulnerability:

So my group therapy leader sent the links and quotes to us to read and listen to before our meetings and I loved it. Just what I needed as I have had many of these feelings since my episode on Sunday. I always felt I should have done more, felt guilty because I got to go home, felt shame over what had happened, I always wondered why me and or what did I do to get this. My big self says you didn't deserve it; you didn't do anything and you did ENOUGH to help all of your siblings; you kept yourself and them alive. So this week as I was feeling down I felt like not doing anything, I ate whatever part of me cared the other didn't so then I go into beat up mode and last night I realized something WTF am I punishing myself because when I take away the things I normally love to do aka walking/jogging; cooking; taking care of myself etc. Punishment was a feeling I knew all too well I figured it out as I was being compassionate and filling my young self with kindness and telling her we would do the things that brought us joy because it is okay to feel good that we are not bad that nothing that happened then deserve the punishments we got and to take away that brings us joy gives us the same feeling is just not feasible anymore and told my young self who needed an attitude adjustment that the bottom line is she fears the change we have been working on she hasn't embraced it quite yet that it will work and not be the same of what we experience before but goodness and it is up to me to prove her wrong by persevering or as someone told me earlier this week being the warrior we are.

It may sound strange as I refer to my inner critic as my young self but it is. I find that when I take the time to be compassionate and kind to her because I understand that this stuff is hard and needs it and when the negative comes out I have to let her know it's not cool and we need to keep trying and not be scared. FEAR can debilitate everything we are attempting to do and that is basically what I know is going on right now I know it does work I know things that I have changed have worked so going backwards is unproductive and can't let a little fear keep me from continuing on my journey. I've babbled enough just wanted to get out the fact that I figured out and the light bulb popped up!!

So I am going to a little bit of a reward systems:
279# Smart phone
275# Sign up for 5k
269# Fitbit
259# Drifit outfit
249# new jeans
239# I am enough charm necklace
229# Pedi/mani (halfway to goal)
219# Workclothes
209#: Pretty shoes
199#: Date Night
189#: makeover
179#: Date nite
175#: Trip for reaching goal weight!!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEWINGMAMACDS 6/18/2013 9:54PM

    Great rewards! emoticon

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SUNPANTHER 6/14/2013 6:28PM

    I love it. And what great rewards. I adore those TED talks. Saw them last year, and had me in tears. I am constantly amazed by the common threads running through our journey (not the backstory) including how we relate to our 'younger selves' AND how we relate to them.
Well done on your light bulb moment and I can relate!

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NBARNES 6/14/2013 5:49PM

Whew what a journey you're on girlfriend. I admire your strength in working through such tough issues. Can't wait to hear about each and every goal...although I also love to hear about the successes you're making that aren't marked by changes on the scale!


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I am enough!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I am enough
I am brave
I am courageous
I am beautiful
I am worthy
I am loved
I am intelligent
I am alive
I am safe
I am free

I have had a break in my step basically had a pretty big set back this weekend; pretty bad flashbacks set by something as silly as a bottleneck beer bottle. Took me back to very painful memories that my father did to my siblings and myself and blamed me. Alot of negative thoughts and things came out of my mouth on how i was feeling as i opened up and shared my memory with my therapist somewhere in there i said i was not worthy but i also felt alot of anger and anxiety and sadness. Therapist reminded me that i was worth and reminded me that i was safe and that what i was feeling was normal but under no circumstances was i to take on blame, shame or guilt over what had happened. I understood what she was saying and reminded me of the now and how i feel about me. IT IS SO HARD!!

I have been going to a group therapy for my eating disorder and we are always hitting tough topics its 14 weeks and wow the last three session i have had to force myself to go because it IS HARD!! Sometimes i leave confused or with alot of emotions...

My therapist says it is through the hard work I am doing that will lead to the change i hope to have. Without the hard work i would be where i was 2 years ago. Binging and purging and not caring about myself much. I am to be gentle and kind and not beat up on myself... I am really trying to stay positive but it is a struggle.

Anyway I will continue pushing my way through! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NBARNES 6/13/2013 6:47PM

    Oh Emm...be gentle with yourself. Take care and know that for all the people who've hurt you there are dozens and dozens who want to help and support you.

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SEWINGMAMACDS 6/13/2013 3:42PM

    emoticon emoticon I am right behind you emoticon for you!

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SUNPANTHER 6/13/2013 1:42AM

    A wise therapist once said to me that "when our emotions are disproportionate to the situation, our past has joined us"

I can't imagine how hard it was to face the memories, and particularly the thoughts, feelings and sensations that have arisen because of them, making your present so challenging. I can only encourage you to engage yourself with the present - check the time, stamp your feet, count down from 20 by 1.5 - anything that forces you out of overwhelm and back where you are now, so you can continue to make choices based not on those feelings and thoughts, but on where you are now, and where you want to be going.

Good luck. I also am recovering from an eating disorder and understand how hard it is to trust ourselves and our bodies, to survive, without these behaviours.

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NOMADATORES 6/13/2013 1:39AM

    Reading your blog has truly been an inspiration to me. Your journey shows you have a heart of a warrior and it shines through in your perseverance. You are all of those things ;listed and more. emoticon emoticon

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30 day Crunch Challenge done

Sunday, June 02, 2013

Tracked Food emoticon
Walk/Jogged=Woggled - 0 emoticon
Freggies 5+ emoticon
Points emoticon
Water emoticon
Journaled/Compassionate mediatation time emoticon
Music-upbeat listened! emoticon
Portions emoticon
crunch challenge emoticon 30 crunches day 1

working towards my exercise goal 1800 mins for month & Woggle 8 miles per week also have June - 30 day crunch challenge with my best friends can't wait to start.

Woke up with migraine so took care of me since i had this since thursday finally felt relief not as strong later in the day. Got my shopping done and other chores done. Tomorrow battle the carpet cleaning! Watching cat from hell and since i have 6 cats i have a few with issues and realised we need to de-clutter more and offer more areas for them to roam. Looking at building some shelves steps and getting kitty condo and placing it by the window so they can sunbath as well!!!!

Overall considering a good day!!! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEBSZOO74 6/12/2013 5:34PM

    Great goals! How many minutes do you usually exercise in a month? 1800 sounds like a lot! emoticon

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EBPOOKIE 6/2/2013 10:16PM

    Thanks Di

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DIFROMWYOMING 6/2/2013 10:04PM

    Looks like a lot of GOALS MET up there! Awesome! emoticon

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