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Matters of the heart!

Thursday, May 23, 2013



My good friends we met Jared @ the Portland Heart Assn. Walk on Saturday May 18, 2013.

Strained my right groin and well walking and swimming is all i can do for exercise nothing strenous.

My 14 week workshop is now at week 6 it is really hard stuff i'm working on but while it is hard work i know it is helping my eating disorder alot.

I have had my down times and have realized who my true friends are - who are the ones i can count through thick and thin. I feel that i put myself out for them as well.

I have realized those that have taken advantage of me and have removed myself from the situation to avoid being hurt anymore. That includes some family members that make a habit of taking more than they are will to give.

I really miss my kitty may she rest in peace!! i got her ashes back a few weeks ago so she is home! One of my Maine Coons is really missing her so giving him extra lovings he always thought of as his mama!!


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NBARNES 5/23/2013 2:06PM

    Well take care of your wounded soul - how lovely, though, for the kitty to have been so well loved. I too have family members I've had to separate from because they were just toxic. It's been more than 10 years since I've communicated with my little sister - and you know what, I really don't miss it all that much, and I always feel guilty when I realize that, but it is what it is.

In order to take care of others, we have to take care of ourselves. In order to make others happy, we need to be happy ourselves -- I truly believe this.

So, don't feel at all bad, guilty or embarrassed to take care of yourself!
emoticon
Nell

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SEWINGMAMACDS 5/23/2013 1:11PM

    How exciting to meet Jared emoticon

Hope your groin heals soon!

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Biggest Loser Walk Run Race Series Springfield OR 4-14-2013

Friday, April 19, 2013

Jesse Wornum-who talked it was about choices and he may have gained some of his weigh back but is on the road to take it off!!


The girls and I at the Biggest Loseer Walk Run Race Series workshops:


T.C. POOL Season 14


The Girls & I with Jackie & Dan Evans Season 5 awesome people!!


My Medal & this was my Personal Best!! TIME: 54:33 PACE: 17:36


I was really proud of myself i jogged walk this race and came in at my personal best i got very emotional as it was a great accomplishment!! Next time i want to get down 35-40 mins and jogging all of it if i can!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEWINGMAMACDS 4/20/2013 10:42PM

    emoticon emoticon

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NBARNES 4/20/2013 9:53AM

    Looks like a terrific day!


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CKSCARBERRY1 4/19/2013 11:55PM

  Awesome

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The Reflection in the Mirror Now & Then

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

The Reflection in the Mirror Now & Then

Looking at my reflection in the mirror was something I didn’t like to do
Because I did not like what was staring back at me.
I saw ugly
I saw a loser
I saw weakness
I saw shame
I saw fear
I saw pain
I saw a fatty
I saw hate
I saw darkness
I saw unworthy
I saw sadness

Something happened
I saw a distant light
It gave me courage to change what I saw in the broken mirror
I no longer saw a broken image
No longer did I see weakness
I saw and felt the strength inside me
There was pain, hurt, & shame in my darkness but as the light shined brighter
I became a fighter
I saw how brave I was and no longer do I fear the darkness
I value myself

Today I saw my reflection in the mirror
Today I saw love, beauty, intelligence, courage, fearless, a winner and someone worthy of all
Today I felt all I saw!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JITZUROE 4/19/2013 3:55PM

    Wonderful!!!!
Bren

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SEWINGMAMACDS 4/4/2013 11:26AM

    You are beautiful! emoticon

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NBARNES 4/3/2013 9:19PM

    emoticon

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DIFROMWYOMING 4/3/2013 5:23PM

    I am learning that the way I see myself, and the way I choose to be happy in and outside- reflect what I want when I look in the mirror nowadays. This really IS a lot more about our minds/emotions than food. Great post!

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STLADEE 4/3/2013 4:54PM

    Thanks for posting! We have to remember that courage it takes to battle the bulge and realize the courageous person looking back at your and NOT the impections we think we see!

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GK1963 4/3/2013 3:47PM

    I got goose bumps reading this. I hope everyone can have a mirror like your "new' one

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Discovering myself oh what a process and it will never end I’m sure!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

So 19 and half months ago on July 1, 2011 I went to my first therapy session for my binge eating disorder I opened the closet that held my dark secrets from my childhood that I knew had led me to my disorder and my unhealthy eating plan being obese and wanting so badly to get to my goal but stalling after 40# lost I really struggled I knew I had to do this. So I opened that closet door and man did the skeletons come out. I wanted change I knew I needed to heal my wounds from at that point 34.5 years of self hate, guilt, blame and shame. In these 19.5 months I have learned so much about my strength, self-worth, love, endurance, courage, joy, intelligence, bravery and so much more. I found out that shame, blame and guilt I carried was not for me to own but was my father’s to own. I wasn’t responsible for the pain he caused me as I was a child and I wasn’t at fault that my younger siblings who lived with their mother and my father; in my head I thought they resented me for getting to go home. I carried so much of that all those years and no matter what they could have said back then I never believed it inside. It took someone to make me do homework each time I met with her to make me see I wasn’t the monster I had portrayed myself to be and slowly my walk started to come down and I COULD SEE!! I COULD FEEL!!! Some was painful some are tears of happiness but to me learning the simple act of letting go was crucial call it the aha moment in so many ways for me.

The simple act of watching one person taking a rock and holding it in their hand showing me that if I opened it up and stop trying to control it and simply let it go when I had no control or smothered it was not the act of quitting but of letting it fall into place WOW what a concept… turning your palm to the ground and letting the rock drop now that was QUITTING… it was a visual that I use daily since January when I saw that – that was the biggest change up for me I was already taking it in but I lacked patience with myself and a little extra compassion. I wanted it all to fall into place now soon not wait little did I know that it was building up. It slapped me in the face faster then I knew.

I found myself fighting with my body gaining water weight going from 273 back up to 290 how can that be I basically maintained and lost what I had lost by December but I forgot what November & December brought on to me and I still had to work out kinks and realize it would still bother me and it would be less painful but would be a time I would have to learn to be patient and kind and gentle with my child within. I got threw it reminded myself of all my accomplishments during this year. My family friends and therapist kept me grounded and reminded me of the same. I wrote it out: Completed a half marathon even when after a surgery on both my feet was told that it would never happen I did it – completed it in 4hrs 20 mins pace: 19:55 a mile. I am actually now walk jogging and am up to 2 miles and will do my first 5k jog in April. Exercise hatred is a thing of the past I know by doing I am being good to my body; binging I went 397 days yes I had a break but I recovered and am now at 107 days again…. I learned I had a voice and started to share my journey with others. I learned to the simple act of loving myself I know I sound like a broken record but it is true when you learn to love yourself there is so much more that comes with it confidence courage and the fear leaves you are willing to do so much more for yourself. Standing up for one self! No longer must I keep quiet I can speak – that was big learning I had the voice and to use it to empower others as well as myself. No longer do I think why would they want to hear my journey it is now why not… no longer to I question someone when they say I inspire them – I say thanks and in my head again why not???

Well earlier this month I went to my new doctor they ran test and things came back my blood pressure was high; my blood sugars were a little above normal but nothing that could be resolved and since I had gallbladder issues I was already on the low fat diet. Now I had to put all 3 together low fat, low carb and low sodium… Scary thought for someone who was afraid of feeling food deprived since that was part of my childhood history (food being deprived). Funny I have been at this for four weeks and not once have I felt it. I choose my foods wisely, plan things out.

So for the past 4 weeks I have been losing and it’s a total of 5.5 I’m excited and have had no feelings of deprivation. So my journey has been long but I have always have the attitude of never giving up but I finally feel like it’s all come together and I can continue on and keep up on it. Here I come ready and out of the box roaring! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HYRULIANPEACH 4/9/2013 1:36PM

    Congratulations, that's amazing. I too struggle with emtional eating and have considered treatment for it. It sounds like you've been through a lot, but you come out with shining colors. I'm inspired by you doing the marathon after foot surgery. Wowza.

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SPLD1RTTN2 4/3/2013 8:56PM

    I too have been on a journey of self discovery. I always rolled my eyes when everyone said "you have to love yourself first to be successful at weight loss" yeah right I thought as I walked away; Little did I know they were right. Once I really began to accept and love myself (all 350 plus pounds) I was able to unlock the magic inside me. I have since lost 56 pounds and have 114 more to go, but they will be gone I am sure.

I am sorry you had to experience such trauma as child it is so unfair you were robbed of your innocence. You must come to the realization you are beautiful and valuable no matter what your weight. I'm so glad you shared your story and I hope it helps you begin to heal. You deserve to have a wonderful future and its yours for the taking. You've already taken your first step Congratulations on your success emoticon

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MRSBEDWELL 4/3/2013 3:56PM

    Great job! I'm so happy for you! Letting go can sometimes be the hardest thing to do! Good for you for starting the process! You've got it in the bag now!!

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JOYFUL78 3/26/2013 3:21PM

    I am soooooooooooooooo PROUD of your journey AND of the recent discoveries, you GO girl, yahooo!!!!!!!!!!!

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BLESSEDBEING 3/22/2013 11:06PM

    emoticon emoticon and emoticon , Emmy!

You are right, inner growth and healing is not a straight line sprint. The path may have detours and delays, and it is important to give ourselves the time to develop and blossom according to our needs, and nobody's timeline.
emoticon emoticon
Keep up the wonderful work, my friend, and continue to give and receive the glorious support and encouragement that makes Spark People truly magical.
emoticon emoticon
Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon

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SEWINGMAMACDS 3/21/2013 10:55AM

    Emmy - I am so excited for you! It has been great to see you blossom. You are doing great! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 3/20/2013 9:47PM

    emoticon

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NBARNES 3/20/2013 9:42PM

    Good for you - you're worth the effort! emoticon

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CNGMYBX 3/20/2013 7:57PM

  Congratulations on sticking with it when it was tough and on facing those demons of the past.

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92 days Binge free

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Things have fallen into place i am starting to listen more and more to my body. I eat when i'm hungry.... i am filling my plates with more veggies to give the appearance of a full plate which is big for my deprivation feeling it helps plus i fill up easier.

Today i went to my new doctor i really liked her. She was happy i am going to TOPS, BED therapy, and exercising regularly. She is running test and hoping to pinpoint the problem, my blood pressure was up so she added low sodium to my low carb and low fat -- basically i need to eat cleaner. So i am!! one day at a time. I will go in for m y test on Thursday am.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MUMMY22BOYS 3/20/2013 12:06PM

    So awesome!!! Keep it up!!!

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JITZUROE 3/20/2013 11:56AM

    I am so crazy proud of you!!!!
Bren
Day 2 for me...

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SEWINGMAMACDS 3/6/2013 11:01AM

    emoticon

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FITANDFIFTY2 3/6/2013 1:58AM

    emoticon Awesome eating!!

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