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Discovering myself oh what a process and it will never end I’m sure!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

So 19 and half months ago on July 1, 2011 I went to my first therapy session for my binge eating disorder I opened the closet that held my dark secrets from my childhood that I knew had led me to my disorder and my unhealthy eating plan being obese and wanting so badly to get to my goal but stalling after 40# lost I really struggled I knew I had to do this. So I opened that closet door and man did the skeletons come out. I wanted change I knew I needed to heal my wounds from at that point 34.5 years of self hate, guilt, blame and shame. In these 19.5 months I have learned so much about my strength, self-worth, love, endurance, courage, joy, intelligence, bravery and so much more. I found out that shame, blame and guilt I carried was not for me to own but was my father’s to own. I wasn’t responsible for the pain he caused me as I was a child and I wasn’t at fault that my younger siblings who lived with their mother and my father; in my head I thought they resented me for getting to go home. I carried so much of that all those years and no matter what they could have said back then I never believed it inside. It took someone to make me do homework each time I met with her to make me see I wasn’t the monster I had portrayed myself to be and slowly my walk started to come down and I COULD SEE!! I COULD FEEL!!! Some was painful some are tears of happiness but to me learning the simple act of letting go was crucial call it the aha moment in so many ways for me.

The simple act of watching one person taking a rock and holding it in their hand showing me that if I opened it up and stop trying to control it and simply let it go when I had no control or smothered it was not the act of quitting but of letting it fall into place WOW what a concept… turning your palm to the ground and letting the rock drop now that was QUITTING… it was a visual that I use daily since January when I saw that – that was the biggest change up for me I was already taking it in but I lacked patience with myself and a little extra compassion. I wanted it all to fall into place now soon not wait little did I know that it was building up. It slapped me in the face faster then I knew.

I found myself fighting with my body gaining water weight going from 273 back up to 290 how can that be I basically maintained and lost what I had lost by December but I forgot what November & December brought on to me and I still had to work out kinks and realize it would still bother me and it would be less painful but would be a time I would have to learn to be patient and kind and gentle with my child within. I got threw it reminded myself of all my accomplishments during this year. My family friends and therapist kept me grounded and reminded me of the same. I wrote it out: Completed a half marathon even when after a surgery on both my feet was told that it would never happen I did it – completed it in 4hrs 20 mins pace: 19:55 a mile. I am actually now walk jogging and am up to 2 miles and will do my first 5k jog in April. Exercise hatred is a thing of the past I know by doing I am being good to my body; binging I went 397 days yes I had a break but I recovered and am now at 107 days again…. I learned I had a voice and started to share my journey with others. I learned to the simple act of loving myself I know I sound like a broken record but it is true when you learn to love yourself there is so much more that comes with it confidence courage and the fear leaves you are willing to do so much more for yourself. Standing up for one self! No longer must I keep quiet I can speak – that was big learning I had the voice and to use it to empower others as well as myself. No longer do I think why would they want to hear my journey it is now why not… no longer to I question someone when they say I inspire them – I say thanks and in my head again why not???

Well earlier this month I went to my new doctor they ran test and things came back my blood pressure was high; my blood sugars were a little above normal but nothing that could be resolved and since I had gallbladder issues I was already on the low fat diet. Now I had to put all 3 together low fat, low carb and low sodium… Scary thought for someone who was afraid of feeling food deprived since that was part of my childhood history (food being deprived). Funny I have been at this for four weeks and not once have I felt it. I choose my foods wisely, plan things out.

So for the past 4 weeks I have been losing and it’s a total of 5.5 I’m excited and have had no feelings of deprivation. So my journey has been long but I have always have the attitude of never giving up but I finally feel like it’s all come together and I can continue on and keep up on it. Here I come ready and out of the box roaring! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HYRULIANPEACH 4/9/2013 1:36PM

    Congratulations, that's amazing. I too struggle with emtional eating and have considered treatment for it. It sounds like you've been through a lot, but you come out with shining colors. I'm inspired by you doing the marathon after foot surgery. Wowza.

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SPLD1RTTN2 4/3/2013 8:56PM

    I too have been on a journey of self discovery. I always rolled my eyes when everyone said "you have to love yourself first to be successful at weight loss" yeah right I thought as I walked away; Little did I know they were right. Once I really began to accept and love myself (all 350 plus pounds) I was able to unlock the magic inside me. I have since lost 56 pounds and have 114 more to go, but they will be gone I am sure.

I am sorry you had to experience such trauma as child it is so unfair you were robbed of your innocence. You must come to the realization you are beautiful and valuable no matter what your weight. I'm so glad you shared your story and I hope it helps you begin to heal. You deserve to have a wonderful future and its yours for the taking. You've already taken your first step Congratulations on your success emoticon

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MRSBEDWELL 4/3/2013 3:56PM

    Great job! I'm so happy for you! Letting go can sometimes be the hardest thing to do! Good for you for starting the process! You've got it in the bag now!!

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JOYFUL78 3/26/2013 3:21PM

    I am soooooooooooooooo PROUD of your journey AND of the recent discoveries, you GO girl, yahooo!!!!!!!!!!!

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BLESSEDBEING 3/22/2013 11:06PM

    emoticon emoticon and emoticon , Emmy!

You are right, inner growth and healing is not a straight line sprint. The path may have detours and delays, and it is important to give ourselves the time to develop and blossom according to our needs, and nobody's timeline.
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Keep up the wonderful work, my friend, and continue to give and receive the glorious support and encouragement that makes Spark People truly magical.
emoticon emoticon
Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon

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SEWINGMAMACDS 3/21/2013 10:55AM

    Emmy - I am so excited for you! It has been great to see you blossom. You are doing great! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 3/20/2013 9:47PM

    emoticon

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NBARNES 3/20/2013 9:42PM

    Good for you - you're worth the effort! emoticon

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CNGMYBX 3/20/2013 7:57PM

  Congratulations on sticking with it when it was tough and on facing those demons of the past.

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92 days Binge free

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Things have fallen into place i am starting to listen more and more to my body. I eat when i'm hungry.... i am filling my plates with more veggies to give the appearance of a full plate which is big for my deprivation feeling it helps plus i fill up easier.

Today i went to my new doctor i really liked her. She was happy i am going to TOPS, BED therapy, and exercising regularly. She is running test and hoping to pinpoint the problem, my blood pressure was up so she added low sodium to my low carb and low fat -- basically i need to eat cleaner. So i am!! one day at a time. I will go in for m y test on Thursday am.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MUMMY22BOYS 3/20/2013 12:06PM

    So awesome!!! Keep it up!!!

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JITZUROE 3/20/2013 11:56AM

    I am so crazy proud of you!!!!
Bren
Day 2 for me...

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SEWINGMAMACDS 3/6/2013 11:01AM

    emoticon

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FITANDFIFTY2 3/6/2013 1:58AM

    emoticon Awesome eating!!

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I'm still challenging myself daily!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I am still meeting my goals and have stepped up the exercise as i train for the 5k. I am finding it to be a blast and challenging myself to things i didn't think i could do before.

Right now crab crawl did half the hallway my plan is to conquer the whole hallway. em>104.gif" alt="emoticon" width="42" height="42" border="0">

I had another sinus infection last week and am on the mend still battling the water retention but there is light at the end of the tunnel new doctor next wee on 3/7. emoticon Hoping they figure out what is going on.

Well back to work!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NBARNES 2/26/2013 9:35PM

    Good luck with the new doc, no fun feeling lousy! Glad you're keeping up both your spirits and your workouts!


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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 2/26/2013 7:10PM

    emoticon

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SEWINGMAMACDS 2/26/2013 6:34PM

    emoticon at meeting your goals!

sorry about your sinus infection. Hope you like your new doctor.

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FLUTTERBY4JC 2/26/2013 6:22PM

    You are doing awesome! Keep up the great work!
emoticon

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Day 67 - 74 Update

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Day 67 – 74 Weekly update

Thursday, Feb 7, 2013
Water 10 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon Water Aerobics emoticon
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time now
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

Had a good day overall enjoyed the water aerobics tonight!! Next Thursday river challenge you walk against the water current in the river area

Friday, Feb 8, 2013
Water 8 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon Bunco night!
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time now
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

Bunco Night with the girls was a blast. I learned that I need to make sure I eat or I will snacks galore. I had a protein bar and Milk which obviously didn’t satisfied me at all. So I am learning a lot I won most Buncos – my goodie bag was Carmel Kiss Coffee bag, 3 dove chocolates, two kitchen towels -red & white-said love, kitchen shears tugged in a cute little reusable tote bag. Simple things all that I could use, haven’t opened up the coffee yet but hoping to do so next week!

Saturday, Feb 9, 2013
Water 11 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon No excuses just didn’t feel like leaving the house once I got back from coffee with the girls.
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time now
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

This was a very quiet day for me I got up and did coffee with the girls and they were awesome. I really needed their encouragement considering that my water retention was awful I had already gained about 6# and it was driving me nuts. I know I am more than the number on the scale but know this isn’t normal and you can tell if you look at both my legs something is wrong. What really got to me is how my doctor when he called me back was very dismissive about it needless to say I fired his butt that day. I haven’t been happy the past 18 mos. With him yes had no problem starting getting names from my friends. I adjusted to just eating a lot more greens and leaner meats for the rest of the weekend and found ways to cook without any added sodium!! Crockpot tomorrow dinner – pot roast and added no sodium just used fresh herbs and tons of natural aromatic veggies like celery carrots bell peppers , onions, turnips, mushrooms potatoes sweet and reds I put it on at 9pm and oh getting up to the smells were awesome oh and used about a cup of red wine and Dijon garlic mustard. Very nice!

Sunday, Feb 10, 2013
Water 8 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon Worked 6 hours-too tired but I’m okay my goal right now is 4-5 days so will go for it this week as well daily is my ultimate goal
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time now
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

Well topped in with a total of 8# up in water weight my legs hurt to be touched and couldn’t even get my ring on. This is not good but just kept doing. I made tuna wraps with lettuce for lunch and all was good!

Monday, Feb 11, 2013
Water 9 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon Treadmill & Zumba class
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time now
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

Rough day – boss getting ready to go on vacation so was extremely busy no time for anything in that 9.5 hour day. Went to therapy during lunch and that went really well. I finished the day with exercise and very light salad and soup for dinner while I watched biggest loser with hubby. I did make an appointment to see my new doctor on 3/7/2013 and try to figure out what the heck is wrong with my body, just choosing health now.

Tuesday, Feb 12, 2013
Water 8 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon Walked Jog at lunch time for 30 mins and I walked jog 3.3 mph 1.45 miles I was so happy with myself this was my last chance workout before weigh in at TOPS emoticon
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time now
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

Well all my hard work an perseverance prevailed I lost most of the water weight this week all but 1.2 to get back to where I was at 2 weeks ago so hoping I can shake the rest off and it will show next week. I am really busting my tail working out!!! Heck I went out a lunch time and gave it my all it was actually fun, just hate the sweaty feel afterwards at work… but that is what deody and powder can do for you to keep you feeling fresh after a lunch time workout lol.

Wednesday, Feb 13, 2013

Tuesday, Feb 12, 2013
Water 8 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon Zumba Class emoticon
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time now
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

Found out my insurance is not going to pay for my 14 week workshop for therapy, will be making phone calls to see if there is a workaround or why not. If not I will use my Flex spending account card I will make the best of it this way. I have to remind myself that this is an investment towards me!! Also, figuring which friends are takers and removing them from my life. I don't think it is fair when things get one sided. Funny I am realizing how much more my self worth is to not deal with this.

Thursday, Feb 14, 2013
Water 8 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time now
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

So far my day is on track and exercise will happen as I have a date with my husband to work out tonight-keeping a healthy heart we called it. emoticon
Had an awesome workout in the pool river channel walk i jogged against the current feels like good crosstraining for the half in September. I'm so excited registration has now opened as well.

PS i spoke with my insurance looks like if it's coded and described right it will go through. Now waiting to speak with provider.





  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 2/15/2013 1:00PM

    emoticon

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SEWINGMAMACDS 2/15/2013 12:37PM

    Glad you had the courage to "fire" your doctor. Hope your new one will be good for you.

Insurance stuff can be so tricky -- amazing that everything depends on what code is put down.

Love seeing all the emoticon

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NBARNES 2/15/2013 10:33AM

    Love, love, love the last photo on the post! We are more than that number, but gosh darn, it sure does feel good to control that number doesn't it! emoticon

Glad you're getting the medical stuff figured out. My doc of 15 years moved to Seattle (she IS fabulous so if you're in Seattle and need someone I'd HIGHLY recommend her!) and I saw the new one this week. She was 'okay', so my shopping around will continue I think - good luck on your search for someone new.

Hang in there Em - not only are you more important than that number, you're also WORTH more than that number!

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Day 64 - 66 Daily Challenge :) :)

Thursday, February 07, 2013

Monday, February 4, 2013
Water 10 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time 9pm
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

Another good day doing well with my portions & exercise routine feeling good!! Work is stressful but handling it with stride what i cannot control i must let go!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Water 9 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon Rest Day (TOPS)
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time 9pm
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

Woke up and weighed myself found myself with a water gain but i know i'm hormonal and took it with stride this is big normally i would sabbotage and just say F' it and do what ever eat what ever but i decided to let it go that it wasn't worth the bad energy. I went about my day and continue my plan and ate well when i went to my TOPS group i took it and reminded myself and peers that the scale doesn't define me and that I had other success this past week. 1. Got past my treadmill fear 2. walk/jogging now on the treadmill or street 3. my portions are doing well and i'm not feeling deprived i have been very satisfied at all meals. So with that said I felt good about me.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Water 10 cups emoticon
Meal Plan emoticon
Journaling emoticon
Me time emoticon
Exercise - emoticon
Sleep - emoticon emoticon Bed time now
No Binging emoticonstill streaking emoticon

Today is good feet are hurting a little but taking care of biz i know i need a new pair of shoes but at $160 a pair for these flat as Kansas feet I have to wait till the end of the month. Hubby giving me a good foot massage!! Okay well off to bed another stressful day at work but just plugging along!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NBARNES 2/7/2013 11:16AM

    Oh, how lovely to have a hubby who comes with a good foot massage! Doesn't get any better than that! I myself am battling that darn scale so I fully appreciate your approach! We're so much more than a number on a scale! emoticon

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SEWINGMAMACDS 2/7/2013 10:00AM

    You are on a roll! emoticon

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RD03875 2/7/2013 2:27AM

    emoticon

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