Eating sensibly by eating the right carbs, and clean eating this week plus my marathon i lost 4.2#. Ever since the half marathon i started thinking here i am doing this half i knew i had to start feeding my body better foods!! I realized my body is me and i love me so there i must eat cleaner!!! I have made things from scratch this week and reved up the water!! I am worth it!!!
The half started @ 8:10 am and was to finish at 1:05 PM. I had to have it done by 1pm in order to get my medal and complete it. I asked my good friend Brian to do this with me because I knew he would motivate and keep me going. Boy did he - I felt like I had a personal trainer on my back constantly telling me the pace time - we are behind, on or ahead of pace is what I would hear. I was feeling strong at mile marker 8 I took a pedestrian bridge pretty fast and it was hilly. I hit the 10.5 mile marker and that is when I hit the wall, I ran out of water and my left shin started to cramp up then at around mile marker 11 my right calve cramped up – at that point I was ready to cry I hear my best friend yell “WALK IT OFF – KEEP MOVING; WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS MOVE IT!! YOU WONT FINISH IF YOU DON’T WALK” I kept moving and walking after attempting to rub it down which didn’t help. I hit the 11.5 mile marker aid station, got two cups of water, 2cups of Gatorade and drank them plus they poured water over me and gave me a to go bottle. When I hit mile marker 12 I asked my friend Brian am I going to finish this on time. He turns around and says YES we have an hour but that doesn’t mean you can slow down FINISH STRONG KEEP MOVING!! I did I fought through major cramps to see the finish line at the ¼ mark yet it still feel sooo far really sucks. I made it through the finish line and it was the greatest feeling of accomplishment in my life. I got my medal – dogtag and gave my buddy a hug and said thank you. Love ya but hate ya! Lol. I thought we were last because we had passed up a team mom and daughter and the daughter was having a hard time come to find out afterwards she rolled her ankle on mile one. I didn’t think they were going to make it on time. Then we heard that they had 4 more walkers coming in I just got up from my stands and cheered her on. I knew how important it was to hear you did it we high fived and hugged!! It was a great experience something I will do again this time I want to better my pace. Considering my training got cut short because of my gallbladder surgery right in the middle was my proudest moment. As we drove back to camp, I realized as I could see the trail from the freeway I just walked this. I felt strong!! I continue to feel that way! After years of being told no or that you can't and believing it - believing you couldn't. Then have this and you see i could it is an amazing feeling inside me to carry forth on. Tell me I can't now and i know i will say - let me show how i did and will!
I promised everyone i would post some pictures here they are:
this is me at about a 1/4 mile left to go!
My good friend and motivator - at times I really wanted to hurt him but at the same time he challenged me to do my best time and finished it!
I'm feeling so very stuck right now, really not knowing which way I'll travel. I get anxious and overwhelmed with all the roadblocks and detour signs being handed out. Why can't the directions on this map be smooth and easy?
Life is a journey and has a habit of putting pot holes on your road and sometimes just downright breaks you down to where you need a major service haul. That is where i am right now! I'm in the garage patiently waiting for myself to get repaired.
Just when I thought I was there; a big pot hole appeared a few weeks ago and i went crashing into it. I was flooded by memories and flashbacks - a setback but while at times I have felt numb I know those small adjustments that I am making in the garage will help turn on the headlights. I know i have had some major repairs in the past year and this one had more damage but I am determined to look for the solutions need to get back on the road.
For you see every road has bumps, detours and major potholes in life but each time I've hit one of them I continue to learn and get back out on the road. Each time I learn a little more about myself. I look inside and answer the questions within myself and generate a great eternal force from my power within to gas up and move on the road again! I am just about there but not quite just there I need a push maybe even just a little jumpstart to get it going.
While in the garage I'm told to stay off the scale and be gentle and kind to myself. To follow my heart for it will heal. This weekend is important to me; I walk my first half marathon while I am scared I am also very excited. I know it will take alot of of spark to finish it but I know I will because I have alot of power inside. I hope to find that power deep within and turn the highbeams on so that I won't be missed while on the road and make it within the time alotted to complete the half. I don't want to stay in the garage so therefore I must get that push out.
Well two weeks ago I had to reset my binge free streak, but I’m back on it. I have to look at what I accomplished this past year 394 days of being binge free an awesome streak. What took me down well about 3 weeks ago while shopping I had a major flashback with something as simple of being in line at Wal-Mart the customer in front of me husbands came back in line rubbed up behind me, he stung of alcohol and cologne the same I had smelled before triggered a flashback I had to leave – my husband tells me I was white as ghost and well I waited for him in the car. This flashback then started a series of nightmares which is what lead me to my binge. When I was a child I would be physically, mentally and sexually abused. I would be locked up in the basement crawlspace for days no food – darkness. I woke up on the floor and eating. So day one began 15 days ago. I am back to heavier therapy since we are really covering more of what triggered and the actual times and events. I am journaling everything in greater detail which is helping me see how my eating disorder really took place. I am doing my best right now to stay focused on me. I at times feel selfish but I figure I need to take care of myself.
I have several different emotions I have been experiencing the past few days, anger, sadness, hurt, guilt and shame. I am allowing it to be. I continue to write and am learning how to meditate. It was something I was given as homework. I was to find a quiet space… I don’t do quiet but I can do light music and space. ;) I’m trying to imagine myself at various ages where I need to comfort my young self and giving her a voice and compassion. Things she didn’t have. So that is pretty much it. I am trying to make me # 1 write now to stay on this current streak. I know I can do it heck I got to 394 days right so I will push again. I am hanging on to those beads daily.
I will never give in to negative thoughts I will remind myself daily that i am worthy of all good things!!
So for those of you following my journey and assisting along the way with encouragement I say thank you!!
Taking inventory as to where i am and how i did with my goals.
I did reach my ulitmate goal of being binge free for a year and still continue my streak!
I didn't get under 270 but i will next challenge i'm pretty close.
I am learning how to deal with water retaintion swings which can knock me down mentally. Working with my body which is imperative!!!
The most important thing i believe i continue to work on is my therapy - i have to remember that i sought out help to help me with my Binge eating and while i'm working on that - working out hard issues from my youth that lead to it-i continue to fight and stay binge free, that may seem like a walk in the park for those who don't understand the cycle of emotional binge eating but it is a struggle i face everyday!! Portion control has been one of the hardest things for me to work on the past 8 mos having my gallbladder out helped because i have had to eat less and chosey on making sure nothing is fried low fat & cleaner eating not as easy as it sound.
So over all i have beads in my purse at all times that remind me how far i have come in one year. I am down 18 pounds since the beginning of this year which last year i maintained all year but i worked on my binge eating disorder so that was a score.
Okay overall i'm pleased with my accomplishments so far this year and challenge.