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Friday, September 07, 2012

Well two weeks ago I had to reset my binge free streak, but Iím back on it. I have to look at what I accomplished this past year 394 days of being binge free an awesome streak. What took me down well about 3 weeks ago while shopping I had a major flashback with something as simple of being in line at Wal-Mart the customer in front of me husbands came back in line rubbed up behind me, he stung of alcohol and cologne the same I had smelled before triggered a flashback I had to leave Ė my husband tells me I was white as ghost and well I waited for him in the car. This flashback then started a series of nightmares which is what lead me to my binge. When I was a child I would be physically, mentally and sexually abused. I would be locked up in the basement crawlspace for days no food Ė darkness. I woke up on the floor and eating. So day one began 15 days ago. I am back to heavier therapy since we are really covering more of what triggered and the actual times and events. I am journaling everything in greater detail which is helping me see how my eating disorder really took place. I am doing my best right now to stay focused on me. I at times feel selfish but I figure I need to take care of myself.

I have several different emotions I have been experiencing the past few days, anger, sadness, hurt, guilt and shame. I am allowing it to be. I continue to write and am learning how to meditate. It was something I was given as homework. I was to find a quiet spaceÖ I donít do quiet but I can do light music and space. ;) Iím trying to imagine myself at various ages where I need to comfort my young self and giving her a voice and compassion. Things she didnít have. So that is pretty much it. I am trying to make me # 1 write now to stay on this current streak. I know I can do it heck I got to 394 days right so I will push again. I am hanging on to those beads daily.

I will never give in to negative thoughts I will remind myself daily that i am worthy of all good things!!

So for those of you following my journey and assisting along the way with encouragement I say thank you!!

emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Emmy -- You are a precious person. Don't beat yourself up. I am proud of you that are back starting a new streak - and I know this one will be longer than the last! Sending hugs and cheering you on. Glad you have lost your quit!

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REXTINE1 9/8/2012 5:37PM

    You have been down a deeper hole than most of us can imaging, but the important thing is that you're back on track, and haven't given up. The most important thing is to just start over again and forget the failures - remember the successes. Good luck.

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WATREKKIE 9/8/2012 3:23PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AAAACK 9/8/2012 12:01PM

    You've come so far with your psychological journey that you have hit a point where you're able to deal with things you couldn't deal with before. While it completely sucks to have to deal with it, I'm proud of you that you are there. You'll make it. You're one of the strongest people ever. And the binge free streak is an impressive number, no doubt (shoot, I can't even make it past day 5 lately), but it's not the whole story, is it? Rather, that binge free streak represents how many days you've worked on your psychological pain, healing your soul. You will keep healing your soul, and just have another binge free streak when the time is right. You are what's important, not a number. I wish you peace in learning to deal with the pain that you're working through now.

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BLESSEDBEING 9/8/2012 12:00PM

    You are so strong, Emmy! I am so proud of how much you have accomplished already! I believe those memories are surfacing now because you are strong enough to meet them and deal with them and grow beyond them and past their ability to hold you back.

I'm a strong proponent of Progress, Not Perfection. You may be on a new streak now, and that's all part of the process of healing. Learning that lesson that you are beautiful, capable and lovable, and worthy of all good things, is more important than any number.

You are doing great, and I am cheering you on! emoticon
Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon

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NBARNES 9/7/2012 7:37PM

    Emmy, I'm so sorry to hear about the traumatic situation - and I'm glad you're not seeing this as a real set-back, but a point from which to move forward. You're doing a great job seeing what you're doing right and you're a great model for the rest of us.

One of the hardest things for me (and I'm sure many others) to learn and really accept, is that set-backs happen. It's simply a fact of life. And we can either beat ourselves up over them and give up - or just accept, learn and move forward.

Good for you for moving forward and proving that you're stronger than the bad memories. It's about winning the war not every single battle.

emoticon emoticon

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BL Loser Final Week Summer Challenge

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Taking inventory as to where i am and how i did with my goals.

I did reach my ulitmate goal of being binge free for a year and still continue my streak!

I didn't get under 270 but i will next challenge i'm pretty close.

I am learning how to deal with water retaintion swings which can knock me down mentally. Working with my body which is imperative!!!

The most important thing i believe i continue to work on is my therapy - i have to remember that i sought out help to help me with my Binge eating and while i'm working on that - working out hard issues from my youth that lead to it-i continue to fight and stay binge free, that may seem like a walk in the park for those who don't understand the cycle of emotional binge eating but it is a struggle i face everyday!! Portion control has been one of the hardest things for me to work on the past 8 mos having my gallbladder out helped because i have had to eat less and chosey on making sure nothing is fried low fat & cleaner eating not as easy as it sound.

So over all i have beads in my purse at all times that remind me how far i have come in one year. I am down 18 pounds since the beginning of this year which last year i maintained all year but i worked on my binge eating disorder so that was a score.

Okay overall i'm pleased with my accomplishments so far this year and challenge.

Fall challenge i will get under 270!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EBPOOKIE 8/22/2012 6:12PM

    @ Deb - thank you and heck you can do it - i'll support you that is rough to do but think of how much better you will feel. HUGS and know i'll support you every step of the way!! Deb you have been awesome this challenge and i know you will do great as co lead i really see that in you!!!

@ Aaaack -awe thank you--blushing...

@ Trish i am just as honored to walk this journey with you as well!! You get me you understand, you have comforted and u have read and listened. Thank you more than i can tell you!! I can't wait to see what more you do this fall challenge!

@Carrie-You have been an inspiration to me as well and i know you too will have a good fall!!

@Rex thank you for the encouragement and support you continue to provide during my journey.

All of you i can't begin to say thank you enough!!

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DEBSGETTINFIT 8/22/2012 5:28PM

    Emmy it is no easy feat that you stayed binge free for a year. That is just so emoticon. Yes it is so sad that things from our childhood can cause bad health and emotions later in life. The main thing is that you ARE working it out. So so proud of you.

When I finally throw my ciggs aways 9/9- every time I want one I am going to think of you not binge eating and what it must have took daily to not do this. Have so enjoyed this challenge with you and look forward to the next one. emoticon

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AAAACK 8/21/2012 11:35PM

    The amount of emo work you've done this year has been phenomenal. It is something to be really proud of. And you've been so open about your journey and I'm certain you've helped many people. You ARE amazing and will reach all your goals. You're just that kind of person!

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FLUTTERBY4JC 8/21/2012 7:53PM

    You are doing an amazing job and I know you will continue to do awesome! I am very honored to be able to walk this journey with you and getting the opportunity to see you grow by leaps and bounds! I am one of your biggest cheerleaders!!!!!

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SEWINGMAMACDS 8/21/2012 4:21PM

    Emmy - emoticon at staying binge free for a year+!! I know you will get to/ and exceed your goal in the next challenge! Cheering for you! emoticon

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REXTINE1 8/21/2012 4:11PM

    If you're close now, and control your eating you should make it, but fall is coming fast. Good luck.


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Day 377 Binge Free

Monday, August 06, 2012

I made it a full year and continue to do it.

On July 24, 2012 i actually hit a year, it was one of my proudest day although i think each day has been that was just icing to know i could do it, that i can find other ways of dealing with my emotions without binging. I made a necklace which hold 365 beads see below:

I have changed so much in this past year, I now love to exercise at leasst 5 days a week whether i walk, dance or do something i need to do and love it. When things feel low i find other ways to deal. I talk write or walk. I tell myself i am strong i am a survivor I am beautiful I am brave I am intelligent I am determined! I will continue everyday!

My eating has changed more veggies, fruits and lean meats - heart healthy! Fast food - there is ways to eat healthy there if you want to .. jack in the crack aka box has chicken tenders that are grilled a side salad fruit and water; McD grilled chicken sandwich, apple slices and diet pop or water; you can find ways. Subway is an awesome place for breakfast lunch and dinner Jared knew best!!! You just have to find a way to make things work, the one place i can tell you has no diet items is KFC - no salads just rotisarie chicken and it is just too tempting so not worth going there. I cook a lot more at home and find i can balance things out more. I can have 1 egg, 1 turkey sausage made from scratch and 1 cup oatmeal hits the spot. lunches soups, salads and half sandiwches.

My biggest obsticle has been portion controls that stems from the abuse (food withheld by my dad) I have a tendancy of packing more then i need but it gives me security i end up living things in my lunch pail but it's knowing they are there. I have learned to do bigger salads or veggies soups mentally know it fills me then half a sandwich vs. full sandwiches. smaller containers or snack packs measuring has been key. Deprivation was my other nemisis so i always finds ways to make sure i don't feel that and so far so good, nothing is forbidden.

Well my next challenge besides making it to year two is my half marathon, my gallbladder issues put me down a few weeks of training i am up to six miles and have about 7 weeks left of training to get up to 13 miles will and must do it!! Okay this week will be about walking six miles at least 3 times this week then next week i will bump up to 8miles at relay for life. then continue with six miles next week during the week then do 10 before the end of the month. By second week in Sept. i will have to do 12 and then i should be ready. I will continue to train with my six miles 3 times a week my food dr. who does triatholons told me to just walk daily and do increased walks minimum 3 times a week so i know i can do this it's been working since my week after surgery which i started 5 days after surgery walked 1 mile then went to 1.5 for a few days then was up to 2-3 within two weeks. i have been doing this weekly bumping it up i should be good but worried.

My goal is just to keep focused and determined to do this!!

PS besides my beads as my reward i am in a size 2x and 3x on some workout clothes i brought a two shirts and one pair of bike shorts. New sneaks next week!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REXTINE1 8/13/2012 6:32PM

    Congratulations on a full year without a binge. I don't think I have ever done that, but I have lost 100 pounds in a year more than once. Staying the course (I have been within five pounds of goal for six year now) is a new experience - and I hope you make it to goal. The real trick is to never quit, and you seem to have that down pat.

Good show!

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LADYBUG_KOOL 8/9/2012 11:39PM

    What a great looking necklace. What a wonderful idea. I love what you wrote about your journey. You have done a wonderful accomplishment with your walking also. Keep it up Emmy. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LADYBUG_KOOL 8/9/2012 11:37PM

    What a great looking necklace. What a wonderful idea. I love what you wrote about your journey. You have done a wonderful accomplishment with your walking also. Keep it up Emmy. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EVERSTEPH 8/9/2012 10:21PM

    That is an incredible accomplishment. Love the necklace!

A half marathon is completely achievable. YOU ARE CAPABLE!!!!!

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JITZUROE 8/8/2012 5:56PM

    I LOVE that necklace!!!
I am so proud of you..... What an amazing journey this has been for you, and what a strong example you have been to so many others!


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BLESSEDBEING 8/7/2012 11:30PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
I am so happy for you and proud of all the growth--and the shrinking! emoticon--you have manifested in your life this last year! I think it's totally cool that you bought some new clothes, that you are training for a half marathon, and that you made that wonderful necklace for yourself!

Just keep treating yourself like the glorious being that you are! emoticon emoticon emoticon
Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon

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FLUTTERBY4JC 8/7/2012 12:52PM

    You are an amazing, loving, inspirational, beautiful, strong person!!!!! I love being a part of your journey! You have accomplished so much this last year and teaching others (myself included) along the way! Keep going towards your goals! You can do anything you set your mind to!
Love you!

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NBARNES 8/6/2012 3:27PM

    The beads are a phenomenal idea! I just might have to do something like that myself. I so love that you think long term and embrace the idea that this isn't a diet, it's a way of life. I'm working on embracing that myself.

Good luck with the walking, such a good goal. Keep up the good work.

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AAAACK 8/6/2012 2:05AM

    You are truly able to do anything. You are amazing! I love the idea of the necklace. What a neat way to celebrate such a great achievement. And I know you'll get to do your half marathon - you just will. You're one of those kind of people! You'll decide you're going to do it, and then you will no matter what it takes. I admire that about you!

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Updates on my Binge Eating Disorder Journey - Feels Great!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Well it's been a crazy two months. i got diagnosed on Memorial Day with a bad gallbladder and stones, so was told it had to come out. Through all this in order to keep the gallbladder painful attacks from happening i was to eat heart healthy low fat diet i mean low fat so that meant no more splurges on the bad stuff ones or twice a week no fast food or fried stuff etcs. So i have not had fast food in about six weeks and have been eating really healthy no attacks then had my surgery on June 29th, had to wait because my hubby had his back surgery on the June 18th so in order to keep our down time from interfeering at the same time I waited but while i did that i started to eat cleaner and after surgery it was even easier i get fuller quicker i really am starting to see the numbers drop i have fianlly left the 280's for good and am looking at leaving the 270's pretty soon I'm feeling extremely positive i'm also listening to my body. I am back to training for the half marathon 3 miles in 60 mins the last two days a week after surgery. I feel proud, i got out as soon as i felt i could started with mile and half last week on Wednesday for a few days then bumped it up yesterday i feel strong. The most proudest accomplishment has been that since getting into my binge eating disorder therapy last year i am almost at a year i am 16 days aways from it. so close and so determined to make my goal. I am back to losing! I have found out how strong and determine i am. I love myself i see myself diffrently i no long loath myself i actually see a beautiful intelligent strong courageous woman in front of that mirror working on her daily journey to good health. I find this gallbladder thing was the final push to really make me realize what and how i need to nurish my body with nothing but good things always! I have found ways to have treats without it being rich in fat or calories mostly eating fresh fruits and veggies. My goal is to reach 75% clean 25% well some process i figured if i can get to that right now i'm doing about 60/40 and really switching out my pantry but i'm on a budget so it's not so easy but doable so as i replace things with whole grains and oats etc and learn how to make more things from scratch i am doing i find sundays to be my cooking a head days. I make lentils stews, my own chicken stock from a store brought rotesrie chicken carcus and veggies stock it is realy showing as i limit my process foods.. I have a bread machine so working on making my own whole grained bread that will be my challenge this weekend. I can't wait. I extremely excited while i'm off work i'm working on setting things up for better health. I have more routines going on and know that even when i return i will continue to take careof me as i did before i left for surgery. I have alot of support from friends coworkers and family. I am truely seeing this full circle and am excited for me to continue my journey and pushing for 2 years and so on on my binge free living because honestly nothing is worth those awful feelings of self hate vs. self love. Food just doesn't get all of my control and energy to soath an emotion that really wont in the end but give me more guilt so i get more greatness out of not binging then to do so if that makes any senses. I feel awesome! I embrace my self worth!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRUISEPUPPY 7/13/2012 4:28PM

    Way to go, Emmy - you've really turned what could be viewed as a BAD situation with the surguries you and your hubby have been through at the same timeframe, yet, you've turned it around and into a growing experience! I have that Eat Clean Diet book by Tosca Reno - I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that book and read it over and over. I have recently purchased several other of her Eat Clean books and everyone of them is SO great! Keep up the good work - I just love your attitude about being a beautiful, strong and confident woman working your way to good health...that would be a great attitude for everyone (including me) to adopt!

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DEBSGETTINFIT 7/12/2012 8:55AM

    Emmy you are doing an awesome job. I am so proud of you for changing your eating habits. It does help a lot. I know if I goof and eat the wrong thing since having my gallbladder out my stomach lets me know. We all feel so much better when we eat clean anyway and I don't know why are stubborn minds don't listen all the time.

Keep up the good work and your doing an awesome job as a leader.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EBPOOKIE 7/11/2012 7:09PM

    Hey Rex - the fatty stuff isn't an issue anymore honestly the thing that send me do the hospital was a 97/3% hamburger patty go figure i didn't add anything extra special beside onions, tomatoes and lettuce that day and my breakfast had been oatmeal with fruit so we were having linner around 4 and that is what got me. I have been only splurging but once a week and that wasn't even a splurge, but i am eating no fats, i don't do high carbs anymore because i am insulint resistance and do all whole graines and fruits and veggies i am learning to eat cleaner by cooking more on my own but realistically gong 100% is not real to me i just know what to stay away from. I had 4 weeks of practice b4 surgery and the only think that set me off was creamer in the coffee i had - i ran out of fat free half and half and used the regular creamer combined with my coffee it set it off the week b4 surgery and at that point i reminded myself to ditch the caffine which i have. so I am really doing good overall. Thanks for the encouragement. I did get a book on clean eating called The Eat Clean Diet Cookbook by Tosco Reno emoticon emoticon emoticon & found that i'm doing alot already right now i'm at about 60/40 if i can make it 75/25 i'll be happy living. I'm already dropping and i'm really working on it.

Comment edited on: 7/11/2012 7:11:42 PM

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REXTINE1 7/11/2012 5:16PM

    You need to stay away from the fats forever. The Pritikin approach is a diet that is less than 10 per cent fat, and I lost my first 70 pounds without counting calories or limiting food - just "no fat, no cholesterol (really just a little), no salt, no sugar, and no caffeine." It really worked, but I had to start cooking for myself because the BW just couldn't go along with it. There are plenty of books out there to tell you what to do - it's just a problem to actually do It.

I'm glad you're avoiding the binges.

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AAAACK 7/10/2012 11:15PM

    You Rock!
I love hearing how long you've made it binge free. Be proud, be extremely proud!

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SEWINGMAMACDS 7/10/2012 8:03PM

    Emmy - It has been such a blessing watching you grow through this past year. I am so excited for you and looking forward to celebrating the 1 year mark!

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The Feeling

Monday, May 07, 2012

The Feeling

An emptiness that fills your core and eats away at the soul within it pours from the body and fills the room, it comes in waves that never cease to destroy the old sands on which they incessantly crash.

Throbbing, Stabbing, Ripping apart the inner child who searches for something to fill the void she feels inside and fills with food.

Existence a state of being in which life is a show you have been invited to watch from miles away.

Hope the light that flickers in the distance revealing glimpses
of life as it is becomming and will be.

Courageously driving to keep going when your world seems to have fallen to shambles and your left to pick up the pieces on your own. You wonder do I get up or stay down. You know in order to make the change you must get back up and brush yourself off and conquer those pieces.

Support the warm tingle in your heart that appears during your darkest moments and reminds you people care and makes life worth living. You begin to thrive on the love you are building and opening the doors to. Feels good but scary but you leave the door open.

Recovery - devoting everyday to create a fire out of a small amount of kindling and watching the fire flicker in the distance, and letting it burn eternally melting the ice and healing the child within!

I wrote this poem while i was at the beach with my friends a week ago. I had some quiet time to reflect. This past year has been a year of discovery for me I have learned so much about myself. Right now I have challenged myself to do a half marathon, this weekend i did a 5k for in memory of my sister Mari it was walk to stop child abuse. While walking i was toward the end of the pack i ended coming in last for the 5k but was walking with an injury (had med procedure done on Wednesday-got clearance to walk but was told to not overdo) I finished it and beat my previous 5k time. I had time to reflect and remember the fun times my sis and i had and it felt good - i knew she was there with me.

My half marathon is not until 9/23/2012 and i'm looking forward to this i want to challenge myself to rise above it and finish it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EBPOOKIE 5/7/2012 6:11PM

    Rex and Aaaack i'm on a good training schedule and will work up to it!! I am trying to get to 15 min. mile evenually i am walkin 1 -3 miles a few days a week right nowand then my regular aerobic clas. Right now my shins are killing me since the 5k was mostly up hill i started to fast learning.

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AAAACK 5/7/2012 4:37PM

    Nice job on improving your 5K time! My first 5K they were clearing up the safety cones in FRONT of me b/c I was so slow. My 2nd one I got beaten by a 70-year-old man with 2 knee braces on. But hey, at least I beat the traffic cone picker-uppers! I did keep improving, but never took on the huge challenge of a half marathon. As always, I'm impressed by your positivity!

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REXTINE1 5/7/2012 4:30PM

    I'm pretty ignorant on all these races - but I thought a marathon was something like 27 1/2 miles so a half marathon would be 13 3/4? If a 5K is about three miles then a half marathon is a big step forward. If you can walk it it might not be such a difficult thing. The BW and I used to go on the long rides with CIBA (Central Indiana Bicycle Association) every Sunday afternoon. We went from the short to the medium to the long fairly quickly because the big factor was how much pain you could accommodate. The longest afternoon ride we took was 70 miles, and the real problem was the pain in our feet from the pedal clips during the last 20 miles. If you work up to it I'm sure you can do a half marathon on schedule - just don't add a goal to set a new time record, unless it's just a personal best.

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KOSHKALET 5/7/2012 2:37AM

    Beautiful poem, thank you for sharing. It speaks to me so perfectly tonight and is such a great reminder that there *is* that spark, that drive to keep going despite what I have done and what was done years ago to me. To forgive, to move, to learn - all of these things are the life that comes shining through the experiences.

Congratulations on finishing the 5K and I'm sure you are right that your sister was there with you, proud of you for walking and walking to make life better for children.

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