Saturday, March 17, 2012
I was feeling pretty defeated today but was thankful for my good weight loss buddy that listen to me. All she did was listen and send hugs. Sometimes it helps when you get to get it off your chest. I had a good cry and am ready to move on and deal again. Anxiety and frustration are feelings that i have to watch because they can lead to binges and or will just shake my core. I am journaling and blogging because i have to. My husband has been sick (i love him with all my heart) with a bad back and he is a vet and has to go through the VA for everything. I was feeling overwhelmed he has filed for disability and is in the waiting game, in the meantime he has been down and in pain for more than 8 weeks, the VA is slow to say the least.. he had to wait to see his primary for 3 weeks just to get a referral for an mri which he was told he'd get a call in 48-72 hours a week and half went by, he head to go to patient advocate to complain he got a call with 24 hours (a miracle huh) so the mri was schedule he had to wait 2.5 weeks for that after the call so then his primary got switched so he hadto go meet the new doc shortly after mri which by VA time was quick 5 days so they scheduled the mri reading and nerve testing about two weeks later which just happened on Thursday, the doctor told him that he would most likely need surgery okay i said how long? Well he has to be seen by the neurosugeon first really okay. Went to patient advocate to make sure he wouldn't get lost in the systems because this doctor had not clue who put the orders in for him hmmmm... So he got a call yesterday he is schedule to see the Neauro Surgeon on May 10 (yes May 10) that is what another 7 weeks give or take. Then i can imagine once he says okay to surgery it will be July at this pace. My life seems like it is at a stand still everything is falling on me. I work 8-10 hour days, try to work out but lately that has been falling on the way side which bugs me because i need it to keep me happy i go but not as much, i come home and have to take on the chores he normally will be doing which means i am up til 11 pm then i have to get up at 5am i'm exhusted by the time the weekend comes. Normally we get to do things together but the meds they have on for pain means they make him tired or drowsey so i basically feel alone - i live for less pain days so that i can have a piece of my husband other then that i have a Zombie due to meds.
Maybe i'm sounding petty and need to girl up boob up; but i am human i'm frustrated, exhusted and wonder why my migraines are more now then they were before. Today i just feel apart and just allowed myself to cry and basically have time to let it out. Part of me is sad and missing the things we used to do together and yes i know this will pass and in a few months things maybe better once surgery and recovery happens but for now i just need to let my feelings be. I am grateful for friends that can hear me out without judgement.
Listening to music has always helped me to get me out of a funk or get in a better headspace so while i blogged and journaled it clearly has helped.
I will move on and just get things done now, believe me lots to do! Life doesn't stop and moves on and i must as well.
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Since July 1, 2011 I started my binge eating disorder therapy, I have learned so much about myself while in therapy and have been given tools to help me. In January I decided that after concentrating on my binge free days to try and add the weight loss piece of it. I have to admit I was scared, I knew it would and could add stress to myself and destroy all of the hard work of being binge free because of my need to obsess over the scale. January was great I lost 8.4 # I was on cloud nine then the following week I gained 5.6 pounds just like that in water-TOM had begun while I knew I had done nothing wrong with my diet or exercise that I really had been rocking my program it still crushed my world. That day I was just one move from losing my streak of 197 days binge free I was looming 200 but my old feelings of wanting to soothe myself with food was there, I had keys in hand and ready to drive to go get my Pepsi at the local mini mart. Just as I was getting ready to log off my computer for lunch one of my weight loss buddies instant messaged me and asked me “how’s your day going” I put my keys away and sat down and started typing how I felt at that moment. Never got that Pepsi diverted breaking my streak and today I am at 225 days. What did that remind me, that I needed to journal my thoughts or reach out to talk out my feelings.
The week after that was even more stressful because my 82 yr old mom (who splits her time between me and my older sister) was taken to the hospital. She was diagnosed with Pneumonia and heart irregularities emotions ran high the thought of losing her was there, add the fact that she was in TX while I’m in OR. She is fine and will be home in Oregon on 3/24/12. My great friends stepped in and made sure each morning to email or check in with me but I reached out to them letting them know I would need the support. They were there more than words can describe they are like family. I started to realize that I had set up a wonderful support system. When I went back to therapy and told her about my almost mishap she said “get rid of the scale, why don’t you find success in other way, throw away the scale” I gasped like I can’t do that not my scale. She indicated that the kids that are in the rehab centers with the food disorders they work on measuring success without the scale. They get weighed in and get told “on target or let’s review what you are doing so that you can be successful” I wasn’t sure when I left her office. So the next day was weigh in again and I realized how stressed I was feeling. I called my husband and told him to remove the scale hide it – he was shocked but gladly removed it. So then I let my best weight-loss bud that I needed her to hold onto my weight record book and come in with me to hold me accountable I wasn’t going to look at the number on the scale on weigh in days at my TOPS meetings. So far so good, can I say I have no anxiety, I am keeping track of my food, exercising, watching my portions and just going with the flow I’ve done well 2 weeks in a row. I am told “You’re on target”.
I started measuring success beyond the scale and this is what I found. I measured myself and realized I had lost many inches-necks, waist, arms and thighs, I now exercise 4-6 days a week and have more stamina, I eat healthy, and I drink 10-14 cups of water. I also have been binge free for over seven months at this point. I have learned healthy habits of how to write my feelings
vs. biting them. Plus I have done a lot of hard work on putting my past in check vs. stuffing it in a closet like it didn’t exist when it did. I have learned self love! No longer do I feel broken but feel empowered.
I continue on this journey, pushing myself and if the weight comes off slow I am accepting it but not obsessing over it. I am just practicing a healthy lifestyle. The best part is I got a box of clothes that are 2X when I started my journey at 318.5 # I was a 4X now I can say with all those inches gone I am wearing a 2X which is cool because I have a whole new wardrobe!
So remember always that there are many ways to measure success without the scale.
Friday, February 10, 2012
A party in my head is going on! I have battled a lot in the past few months and am grateful to myself that I didn’t choose food to comfort me. My trusty journal, my Binge Free & Survivor Buddies, Tops friends, and family have really helped on my journey.
This has been a year of change and challenges. I have faced my challenges daily not running from them or stuffing them in closet which was where I had hidden a lot of my wounds from the past. I opened up that closet and have been cleaning it out slowly. My changes have also come slow, I journal my thoughts and emotions. I write it before I bite it good bad or anything, if not I cheat myself. I don’t hold things that bother me in anymore. I give myself time to take it in and process it then react by standing up for myself if needed or address the issues. Therapy has been key, I have learned a lot of techniques to help me heal my wounds from the past, I allow my young self time to cry, be mad or enjoy a memory that was positive. I learned a lot of myself by doing this because inside me was a very intelligent, strong and brave person which I have discovered and love dearly. A year ago I could not have told you that full heartedly. I had started to but couldn’t completely grasp loving or like me as much. I never thought – that what I had to say mattered. I would fight with myself. Now I fight but listen to myself and try to resolve that conflict.
I started my journey in April that is when I admitted to myself I couldn’t do it on my own, that I knew I had a Binge Eating Disorder. I started my search for the right therapy centers I wanted someone that understood it and could give me the tools I needed to control it. I found the place that specialized in eating disorder, figured out how to afford it; that was what I could do for myself. I know binge eating will never go away but it is something I can control with my behaviors towards food. I stumbled a few times at first but then started realizing I didn’t like how I felt when I did binge the emotional side of not caring about myself when deep down I did the punishing myself after a binge was something I hated so not wanting to feel bad constantly is my drive I like feeling good – I like the party each day I make it through especially when I jump life hurdles finances, small squabbles, work stressors, etc… we all have them. I am not blind I know that I can fall one day, but I know that I will forgive myself and get back on and not let one slip keep me down. 200 days is worth the party in my head!
So for you that follow my blog and encourage me thank you; and for those of you with struggles it can be done just love yourself to make it through a day of sane eating.
Today’s quotes where most appropriate for my day!
We can reverse years of damage to our bodies by deciding to raise our standards for ourselves, then living differently. Old wounds heal, injuries repair, and the whole system improves with just a few changes in what we put into our bodies and how we move them.
"Anything is possible; it’s your choice whether or not you choose to make IT happen."
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