EBPOOKIE   93,943
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New & Old Me

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Old me @ 318.5 - the old me used eat when she was down and when she would not put this little saying in place.

The new me is below @ 277.2 and binge free days of 258 days & me with a new hair do!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHELMS73 4/18/2012 4:52AM

    that smile says it all!your doing great!

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SEWINGMAMACDS 4/10/2012 6:21PM

    You look great Emmy! emoticonon your accomplishment!!

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AAAACK 4/9/2012 3:14PM

    Look at that awesome smile! And the new 'do is great--I gotta admit to being biased here, b/c I often have that cut as well, it's so full of energy!

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SQUEAKYTRISH 4/9/2012 7:35AM

    u look amazing....positivly glowing!! emoticon

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EBPOOKIE 4/8/2012 11:04PM

    Thank you all i appreciate but i want you to all know that you all have also had a part in my journey and the encouragement is awesome always!!!! here is for another 40# & a to make it to a full year of binge free living that is how we are doing this slow and easy! emoticon

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JITZUROE 4/8/2012 8:45PM


Great haircut to frame that beautiful smile!

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BLESSEDBEING 4/8/2012 8:21PM

    You look great, Emmy! emoticon emoticon So full of joy! Your progress is emoticon inside and out! Your strength and perseverance is inspiring!
emoticon and Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon

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OOLALA53 4/8/2012 8:18PM

    Soooo cute! Please don't ever let yourself be put down by anyone's reaction to you. So many people have blinders on their eyes and hearts, although to be fair, for most of them, this is not their fault. For the most part, they are the ones losing out, and are in greater pain than they know. Only ignorance can drive mean behavior, and all ignorance down deep is painful and the result of having been hurt.

Keep shining! emoticon

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 4/8/2012 6:58PM

    emoticon emoticon

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BLOOMETTA 4/8/2012 6:08PM

    WooHoo!!! Keep it up! You must be so proud of yourself since you have been consistent enough to bring yourself to this point. We don't have to be perfect to succeed. We just have to keep going.

Nice job!!! emoticon

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REXTINE1 4/8/2012 6:05PM

    You look happy as "The New Me" and you have done an incredible feat in going about a year without even one binge. Congratulations.


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Somedays are harder than others!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

I was feeling pretty defeated today but was thankful for my good weight loss buddy that listen to me. All she did was listen and send hugs. Sometimes it helps when you get to get it off your chest. I had a good cry and am ready to move on and deal again. Anxiety and frustration are feelings that i have to watch because they can lead to binges and or will just shake my core. I am journaling and blogging because i have to. My husband has been sick (i love him with all my heart) with a bad back and he is a vet and has to go through the VA for everything. I was feeling overwhelmed he has filed for disability and is in the waiting game, in the meantime he has been down and in pain for more than 8 weeks, the VA is slow to say the least.. he had to wait to see his primary for 3 weeks just to get a referral for an mri which he was told he'd get a call in 48-72 hours a week and half went by, he head to go to patient advocate to complain he got a call with 24 hours (a miracle huh) so the mri was schedule he had to wait 2.5 weeks for that after the call so then his primary got switched so he hadto go meet the new doc shortly after mri which by VA time was quick 5 days so they scheduled the mri reading and nerve testing about two weeks later which just happened on Thursday, the doctor told him that he would most likely need surgery okay i said how long? Well he has to be seen by the neurosugeon first really okay. Went to patient advocate to make sure he wouldn't get lost in the systems because this doctor had not clue who put the orders in for him hmmmm... So he got a call yesterday he is schedule to see the Neauro Surgeon on May 10 (yes May 10) that is what another 7 weeks give or take. Then i can imagine once he says okay to surgery it will be July at this pace. My life seems like it is at a stand still everything is falling on me. I work 8-10 hour days, try to work out but lately that has been falling on the way side which bugs me because i need it to keep me happy i go but not as much, i come home and have to take on the chores he normally will be doing which means i am up til 11 pm then i have to get up at 5am i'm exhusted by the time the weekend comes. Normally we get to do things together but the meds they have on for pain means they make him tired or drowsey so i basically feel alone - i live for less pain days so that i can have a piece of my husband other then that i have a Zombie due to meds.

Maybe i'm sounding petty and need to girl up boob up; but i am human i'm frustrated, exhusted and wonder why my migraines are more now then they were before. Today i just feel apart and just allowed myself to cry and basically have time to let it out. Part of me is sad and missing the things we used to do together and yes i know this will pass and in a few months things maybe better once surgery and recovery happens but for now i just need to let my feelings be. I am grateful for friends that can hear me out without judgement.

Listening to music has always helped me to get me out of a funk or get in a better headspace so while i blogged and journaled it clearly has helped.

I will move on and just get things done now, believe me lots to do! Life doesn't stop and moves on and i must as well.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JITZUROE 3/21/2012 4:24PM

    Ohhhhhhh my goodness. Sorry I didn't receive a notice you had posted this. I am late in sending you my hugs.
Your blog really spoke to me. First of all because I cannot believe how much stress you are under right now, and did exactly what you should do, come to spark, share your pain and seek a shoulder to cry on, NOT BINGE. Wow.
Secondly, I could hear my husband in your email, since he does everything nowadays, and those things keep him up late, and rob his sleep. We used to do things togetherm but I am a zombie a lot from nerve pain meds or my tummy is too messed up for me to be far from a bathroom = can't really go anywhere. I want to to get better for my husband, just as I KNOW that your husband wants to get better for you too.
Really hope tha the VA doesn't drag their heels anymore. Pain steals your joy away too fast.


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REXTINE1 3/19/2012 3:37PM

    I'm sorry that he has a bad back - I have had similar problems, and I hope he does get reasonable care. Since I'm not a doctor I can't give advice, but I do feel for you both.

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CATEECHER 3/19/2012 12:13AM

    So sorry to hear you are so down and dealing with so much. Sending hugs and prayers your way. Hang in there and take control of what you can. Leave the rest up to God.

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EBPOOKIE 3/18/2012 9:17PM

    Thank you Everyone!! I just needed to vent and have my good cry! Better then binging myself crazy and ruining my streak of over 230 days./

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WATREKKIE 3/18/2012 8:18PM

    Blessings to both you and your husband. Bless him for his service and then putting up with this horrible treatment. Bless you for taking care of him and holding down the fort.

Please take care of yourself - there are some excellent suggestions already. As the airlines tell us, "put on your oxygen mask first, before helping anyone near you."

My prayers are with you both emoticon

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SEWINGMAMACDS 3/18/2012 7:21PM

    Sending a great big Hug! I am sure your husband is feeling frustrated too.
Praying for you both! emoticon emoticon

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AAAACK 3/18/2012 2:50AM

    Screaming in the car on the way to work can feel awesome. Also singing as loud as you can. I'm sorry you have so much to deal with. I hope it sucks less really soon! You can only do what you can. Can some chores wait? Like clean stuff half as often so you can workout? I don't know what his chores were but maybe you can spread both your loads out and just have a longer stretch between doing them? It's what I had to do when I started homeschooling. And I still have days I'm totally overwhelmed. Good luck with yours!

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BLESSEDBEING 3/17/2012 10:10PM

    Yes, this is always a safe place to share our struggles and frustrations. emoticon emoticon
One thing that might help with the workouts is chair exercises. I just read a blog by a Spark Friend who was so happy to have found them, because now she can always fit in 10 minutes of exercise a day, whether she feels well enough to walk or not. And they can be done at home or at work! Just something to consider.
Sending healing energy to you and your husband! emoticon emoticon
Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon

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MASALINAS13 3/17/2012 8:37PM

    Just hang in there emoticon but talking is good and let it out I believe is very good emoticon

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Success beyond the scale

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Since July 1, 2011 I started my binge eating disorder therapy, I have learned so much about myself while in therapy and have been given tools to help me. In January I decided that after concentrating on my binge free days to try and add the weight loss piece of it. I have to admit I was scared, I knew it would and could add stress to myself and destroy all of the hard work of being binge free because of my need to obsess over the scale. January was great I lost 8.4 # I was on cloud nine then the following week I gained 5.6 pounds just like that in water-TOM had begun while I knew I had done nothing wrong with my diet or exercise that I really had been rocking my program it still crushed my world. That day I was just one move from losing my streak of 197 days binge free I was looming 200 but my old feelings of wanting to soothe myself with food was there, I had keys in hand and ready to drive to go get my Pepsi at the local mini mart. Just as I was getting ready to log off my computer for lunch one of my weight loss buddies instant messaged me and asked me “how’s your day going” I put my keys away and sat down and started typing how I felt at that moment. Never got that Pepsi diverted breaking my streak and today I am at 225 days. What did that remind me, that I needed to journal my thoughts or reach out to talk out my feelings.

The week after that was even more stressful because my 82 yr old mom (who splits her time between me and my older sister) was taken to the hospital. She was diagnosed with Pneumonia and heart irregularities emotions ran high the thought of losing her was there, add the fact that she was in TX while I’m in OR. She is fine and will be home in Oregon on 3/24/12. My great friends stepped in and made sure each morning to email or check in with me but I reached out to them letting them know I would need the support. They were there more than words can describe they are like family. I started to realize that I had set up a wonderful support system. When I went back to therapy and told her about my almost mishap she said “get rid of the scale, why don’t you find success in other way, throw away the scale” I gasped like I can’t do that not my scale. She indicated that the kids that are in the rehab centers with the food disorders they work on measuring success without the scale. They get weighed in and get told “on target or let’s review what you are doing so that you can be successful” I wasn’t sure when I left her office. So the next day was weigh in again and I realized how stressed I was feeling. I called my husband and told him to remove the scale hide it – he was shocked but gladly removed it. So then I let my best weight-loss bud that I needed her to hold onto my weight record book and come in with me to hold me accountable I wasn’t going to look at the number on the scale on weigh in days at my TOPS meetings. So far so good, can I say I have no anxiety, I am keeping track of my food, exercising, watching my portions and just going with the flow I’ve done well 2 weeks in a row. I am told “You’re on target”.

I started measuring success beyond the scale and this is what I found. I measured myself and realized I had lost many inches-necks, waist, arms and thighs, I now exercise 4-6 days a week and have more stamina, I eat healthy, and I drink 10-14 cups of water. I also have been binge free for over seven months at this point. I have learned healthy habits of how to write my feelings
vs. biting them. Plus I have done a lot of hard work on putting my past in check vs. stuffing it in a closet like it didn’t exist when it did. I have learned self love! No longer do I feel broken but feel empowered.

I continue on this journey, pushing myself and if the weight comes off slow I am accepting it but not obsessing over it. I am just practicing a healthy lifestyle. The best part is I got a box of clothes that are 2X when I started my journey at 318.5 # I was a 4X now I can say with all those inches gone I am wearing a 2X which is cool because I have a whole new wardrobe!

So remember always that there are many ways to measure success without the scale.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    What a wonderful example of living beyond the scale! So proud of you!

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SEWINGMAMACDS 3/8/2012 10:52AM

    Emmy - I loved reading your blog! emoticon on staying focused and looking at Non-scale Victories!! That is so awesome to be in a smaller size.

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EBPOOKIE 3/7/2012 1:05AM

    OOlala thank you for stopping by and the encouraging words. I think you friend coming over and you guys removing your big clothes is an awesome deal!! Good idea and then does that mean you get to do a little reward shopping lol? I thank you for your encouragement and the sharing of your journey as well getting to know you too has helped me.

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OOLALA53 3/6/2012 8:02PM

    You've been a fabulous influence on the 21-day streak and I'm so happy to hear more about your journey. I try to weigh only once every three months, though next week I am going to weigh every day and average it for my three-month record. My pants are looser; I had told a friend I wanted her to come over on the first day of spring and look at how some pants I've had up in the closet are fitting. She gets to decide if they are still too tight, and if they are, out they go. emoticon

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REXTINE1 3/6/2012 6:30PM

    You have done very well, and should be proud of yourself. The rest of us are proud of you.

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EBPOOKIE 3/6/2012 2:24PM

    Aaaack it gives you time to focus on you vs. obsessing on a number or what the scales says. I find i do better not knowing vs. knowing what the numbers is. I know you have it in you to do it, just remember one day one meal. Much love and know that i'm here for you and thank you for stopping by!

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AAAACK 3/6/2012 2:21PM

    I love hearing about how long you've been binge free! It gives me so much hope. And you should be INCREDIBLY proud of losing 2 sizes, and being a great role model for so many of us, and for converting your lifestyle into a healthy one. I also admire your decision to fix something that was causing you new pain (the scale). I have to admit giving that hunk of metal too much power in my life, too. I try to go by how my clothes fit, but sometimes I get sucked in. I have to balance reality checks with the not knowing. I wish I had a weigh in buddy. Maybe I'll make my trainer be mine (wow, I just cringed thinking about that, hmm maybe I should really consider it).

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Hiking in my backyard playground in Oregon

Sunday, February 12, 2012

That is me at the top of Multnomah Falls it had 11 switchback 1.75 miles with a 740 elevation gain. I conquered it-round trip 3.5 miles. I got myself a staff emblem for my wooden hiking stick from the falls woohoo plus a certificate that says i climbed it for my scrapbook although my husbands wants a picture of the falls and certificate for a photo in a frame not sure about that scrapbook yes?

Multnomah Falls, Oregon

Ginger my foster kid/neighbor having a great time!!

The very top half of the falls we were on top where the water starts to flow down :)

Great time with good friends! Lots of calories burned today!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TUBLADY 2/16/2012 8:03PM

    Great picture.
Being from Salem, Or. I love to see and read about other members enjoying Oregon.
Glad you had fun.
I have seen the falls many times. We usually take visitors to see it too.
Take care,
Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon

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REXTINE1 2/16/2012 4:53PM

    We have stopped at Multnomah Falls several times - even taken impressive photos - from the bottom. I didn't even know you could get to the top. That is a very impressive blog.

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SEWINGMAMACDS 2/14/2012 11:08AM

    What a beautiful hiking place! Congrats on making it!

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BLESSEDBEING 2/13/2012 11:10PM

    It is a beautiful place! I've only seen it from the bridge. Thanks for the pictures. My favorite is the first one of you--you are *SO* happy! emoticon And I'm pleased that you accomplished something you were not able to do before! emoticon
Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon

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200 Binge Free Days

Friday, February 10, 2012

A party in my head is going on! I have battled a lot in the past few months and am grateful to myself that I didn’t choose food to comfort me. My trusty journal, my Binge Free & Survivor Buddies, Tops friends, and family have really helped on my journey.
This has been a year of change and challenges. I have faced my challenges daily not running from them or stuffing them in closet which was where I had hidden a lot of my wounds from the past. I opened up that closet and have been cleaning it out slowly. My changes have also come slow, I journal my thoughts and emotions. I write it before I bite it good bad or anything, if not I cheat myself. I don’t hold things that bother me in anymore. I give myself time to take it in and process it then react by standing up for myself if needed or address the issues. Therapy has been key, I have learned a lot of techniques to help me heal my wounds from the past, I allow my young self time to cry, be mad or enjoy a memory that was positive. I learned a lot of myself by doing this because inside me was a very intelligent, strong and brave person which I have discovered and love dearly. A year ago I could not have told you that full heartedly. I had started to but couldn’t completely grasp loving or like me as much. I never thought – that what I had to say mattered. I would fight with myself. Now I fight but listen to myself and try to resolve that conflict.
I started my journey in April that is when I admitted to myself I couldn’t do it on my own, that I knew I had a Binge Eating Disorder. I started my search for the right therapy centers I wanted someone that understood it and could give me the tools I needed to control it. I found the place that specialized in eating disorder, figured out how to afford it; that was what I could do for myself. I know binge eating will never go away but it is something I can control with my behaviors towards food. I stumbled a few times at first but then started realizing I didn’t like how I felt when I did binge the emotional side of not caring about myself when deep down I did the punishing myself after a binge was something I hated so not wanting to feel bad constantly is my drive I like feeling good – I like the party each day I make it through especially when I jump life hurdles finances, small squabbles, work stressors, etc… we all have them. I am not blind I know that I can fall one day, but I know that I will forgive myself and get back on and not let one slip keep me down. 200 days is worth the party in my head!
So for you that follow my blog and encourage me thank you; and for those of you with struggles it can be done just love yourself to make it through a day of sane eating.

Today’s quotes where most appropriate for my day!
We can reverse years of damage to our bodies by deciding to raise our standards for ourselves, then living differently. Old wounds heal, injuries repair, and the whole system improves with just a few changes in what we put into our bodies and how we move them.
"Anything is possible; it’s your choice whether or not you choose to make IT happen."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEWINGMAMACDS 2/12/2012 8:55PM

    Emmy - I am so excited and proud of you! I knew you could do it!

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EBPOOKIE 2/12/2012 12:14PM

    If me sharing my journey can spark or touch someone to help them along a bad day of binging and get them on track even for a day it would make me smile and push me to keep doing that is why i blog it because i know it can be done and because it helps me put out how feel. Alot of this is being vurnable but conquering the fear inside us that keep us at time from shining some of us have been beaten down so much when we were kids that we kind of create our own drama because it is what we knew and how we functioned always the survivor yet victim mode---moving past that and knowing yourself worth is key. You may have been told you where bad nobody mistakes etc but my point is we are SOMEBODY, WE ARE NOT A MISTAKE & WE ARE WORTH the effort it takes because we are beautiful deep within and outside. If you miss the love you longed from that you didn't get, screw that give yourself your own love, the people in our lives that didn't it was their loss but ours to gain by surrounding ourselves with people who do love you and care how you do and will encourage you!!

I also know that i may and can fall as well but right now i'm pushing myeslf not to i have had some harder days then others, somedays i fight with my innerself and we go back and forth but soothing that part of me in different ways has been key, soothing her with praise and not food really is the way to go. You have to believe in yourself! I really hope i am making a difference in sharing my journey because i do know how it feels to be so low but you can feel the joy in you if you let yourself! LOVE YOURSELF!!

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AAAACK 2/12/2012 2:43AM

yes, you did that! You just plain rock. The honesty you approach your life with is inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your journey!

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REXTINE1 2/11/2012 3:56PM

    Congratulations! I'm sure I never have gone for that long without pigging out at least once. You're setting the standard for a lot of us.


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BLESSEDBEING 2/10/2012 11:13PM

    I'm partying with you, Emmy! (Check out your goodies, and the SAssy Success Report thread!) This is a very inspiring blog and I love the quotes at the end! emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon

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LIFEWALK 2/10/2012 4:27PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon*yay* u :)

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JITZUROE 2/10/2012 4:18PM

    You DO make each day the party you choose to make it. I LOVE THAT about you. You have only ever been supportive, caring, wonderfully funny and silly, and a CONSTANT innmy spark world since we have crossed paths.
I have seen you come so far on this journey and I literally barely know you when I think about it.
But you also motivate me to want to get beyond the barriers I have in my own life and with my own emotional eating. I know I put them there, no matter how much I tried to deny it in the past.
I am so happy for you EB!!!


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MPLANE37 2/10/2012 2:54PM

    Congrats. emoticon

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