Tuesday, August 23, 2011
What is the difference about me well I found out several things about me and Iím loving me! Sounds conceded maybe but this is what I can tell you for many years I tormented myself over things that happened in my preteen-teen years and I thought I was this horrible person but what I found out when I faced the past instead of burying it in the closet like I always do when confronted with problems. I hate confrontation, hated things that were hard, hated anything that required more effort, call it lazy or what but I had this negative feeling about things that made me feel uneasy or that I was afraid of.
So what now, well I found out what a brave and intelligent kid I was when I had to do homework for my BED therapy. I found out so much more about myself and I actually liked it, so I sound like a broken record but Iím loving how I feel because it shows for the past 4 weeks I have maintained or had a loss. Now when emotions happened I deal with them head on even if they feel uncomfortable.
When I feel alone I do the things that help me instead of turning to food. I love to scrapbook, hike, camp, walk, volunteer work, cook Ė yes cook, sing- music has always been what I turned to it makes me happy, exercise used to be a chore but I found what I like and you know what Iím doing it. I never in my life thought I could walk 9 miles during the relay for life I got a lanyard for 2.00 and the beads where free every lap you did you got a bead I ended up doing 9 miles, my goal was 6 miles.
I showed myself that when I confront my fears I see I can do it and even if I canít finish or get it done that minute I can go back to it. This weekend I hiked 9.5 miles in total, mind you that was 3 days worth of hiking but I did it. Once again I challenged and completed.
I wonít go back to therapy until next Friday because of vacation scheduling and conflicts but my goal was to get through those 3 weeks without a binge so by the time I go back Iíll be close to six weeks.
When I started my BED therapy I knew it was something that I needed to do I jumped in head on because I had already put things in place this was the final piece to really help my journey. I go to TOPS and have a great support system there my friends at TOPS and I get together and practice eating out, we have our set time each week for just get through the weekend time, dinners out are planned we get out quarterly now and do mini retreats at the beach or mountain or the annual TOPS trips. I use Sparksís tools and have support groups here that relate to my BINGE disorder and then I have an awesome support at home.
So this shows me that all along I was creating an environment for success and while I struggled I never gave up on myself. My counselor tells me I committed myself into it and that is why I was ready for the bed therapy and it is succeeding. I know that I will have hard times but it is how I react to them and practice makes perfect.
I love myself to make those choices to care about how I treat myself. My last homework was to write the compassionate letter to self and it had major breakthroughs for me now that kid has written back and I have to tell you she is my cheerleader my little self is really routing for me each day I get through without binging. She reminds me I am worth all of the good in me she reminds me how brave, loving, intelligent and beautiful I am and I believe her. That is the key is I believe in me and love me. So my journey moves on and each time I get through things I know it will be easier for once I am really taking care of myself. I know I made the right choices for myself and am proud! I canít wait to see how much more will come! Nothing is impossible because I make it all possible!!