Friday, July 22, 2011
Write and be compassionate to my younger self. Hmmm not sure how that will go but willing to do try doing. I have to have it done by the 6th appt.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
So on Tuesday on my way home from my TOPS weight loss support group my husband calls me and letís me know the job he just started is switching him to part time status because they are slow. So my mind is like you have been there 4 weeks and already for real. So my head is spinning thinking of expenses and how we will deal. As soon as I got home I wrote it out and we will be okay as a matter of fact we can handle it we just have to adjust. I didnít turn to food Woohoo!!
I started thinking of things we do that are wasteful and how we can trim our food budget. I will still buy my items as they go on sale aka meatóinstead of packing ground meat in one pound packages Iím doing half # I think it will be less wasteful use what we need a lot of the times we donít need a full pound. Also, I love beans so that will be something I can do for proteins, my mom makes some really good chili and I love it because itís not sodium filled and I freeze and use it for campouts and bbq.
I am really looking at things that we can buy and I can make my own mini portions packages. I can get things in the bulk bins at my local grocery things like rice, cereal, flour, sugar, snack peanuts trail mix and beans etc. I know that will help in savings.
Then I will continue to get my fruit and veggies from local farm stands it gives me a chance to try new veggies too. Anyone who says you canít lose weight on budget is wrong. I have made a list of some great recipes that are reasonable and healthy. Portions, Portions, and Portions!! This past week I have eaten whatever I want and have not felt deprived. I have had buffalo burgers and chips and a salad. I made a huge salad with my own raspberry vinaigrette, added chicken and raspberries to it. Iíve made sandwiches with chicken, guac and cabbage on 9 grain. In the past Iíve made soups with simple base items like onion, garlic, chopped ham, chorizo (Mexican sausage), bologna, raviolis, pastas, rice, beans frozen hash browns and frozen veggies. These makes 6-8 servings of different types of soups each depends what combo I use but if you look at the ingredients they are reasonably priced and make great lunches with half a sandwich or just a roll and salad. When I batch cook and plan my meals it helps with my eating. I usually freeze the soups and just grab and go lunches.
So while I just pretty much told you what I wrote out it felt good because I didnít binge eat I actually found solutions to what I thought was a huge problem. I can take the $ budgeted for groceries and still make it work and maybe even find ways to save $. A major accomplishment!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Spark is back and running with it!! I am so worth it every minute i put into myself!!!
I am here because I will never quit rocking my program no matter how hard things get. I will remember I am a survivor and even when i have a bad day i will not punish myself because that would be turning my spark off. The light will shine bright because no one can put it out not even if i try. It may flicker and get dim but never go out!
Rocked the exercise today, was awsome class, it felt so good to be there!!!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Looking in and healing those forgotten wounds or should I say resurfacing so that i can start healing. My childhood was very memorible from up and til i was 12 1/2 years then i started visiting my dad it was court order. Two different states being 12 and not having seen my dad since i was 5 years old I was nervous, excited and scared. I didn't know him, i remembered him a little but what i remembered of the last seen was my step mother hitting my mom so i was still scared of what could be.
So when i got there it felt cold in their house, i was shown to my room and then given the run down of how things worked. I was to get up at such hours, my time for showers/baths was x time, bed time was strictly at 8:30. So I knew and felt unwanted, there was no hugging or anything my two younger brothers and i hit it off we had allies.
My second nite there was when i really found out of the rules and how my step mother would make my life hell and add the abuse my dad would dish out. There was much violence and abuse and was told I would not live to see my mom or that he could get rid of her and i would have to live there permenantly,I kept quiet no one would ever know. Always a gun or knife shown to remind me not to speak, that was the summer my life changed forever. My father took my innocense and that is when i learned of no locked doors unless he padlocked you in. Food was deprieved for a point to be made or to get what he wanted.
I kept everything hidden as time went by we found out of his secret affair and that we had two other siblings they were closer to my age a sister whow was 3 years younger and a brother who was about 1.4 years younger then me but their mom quote "quit on life" so they came to live with us. At this point my mom had moved back to the state we were originally from and i still lived with her but my dad had me every weekend, every school holiday, every vacation, except for every other x-mas and 3 weeks in August before school started. Life was never the same. I only had one summer '79 when i spend it with my sister and then my mom because he had a job to go to out of state. All of our lives came together and we loved each other like we had always known each other my siblings.
So i have opened the closet door and let them come out so that we can start addressing the issues that i have with food. My binge eating started when the food deprevation happened i would eat and eat because we didn't know when we would again, sometimes ate to the point that you felt sick but what where you to do if you could be locked up, my dad was a deadbeat in the fact that he provided all of $25.00 a week for child support so my mom had to work 3 jobs i was home alone. Food turned to a comforter, a comforter to quill my lonliness or anxiety of never feeling like i was safe from him or that my siblings was still in that hell and i was away.
These last 3 weeks in therapy where hard very hard as things would come up. Filling out a questionaire of 25 pages full and medical history etc. On Thursday, i had major anxiety that night i wanted to eat but chose not to i ended up reading my book, I really felt like cancelling my session for Friday afternoon, thinking of the hard work that we would be discussing would be hard but i pushed through and told myself i was going that i was WORTH IT! That i couldn't get better without going to it. This post is very personal but at the same time very empowering, it feels good to let it out to feel free. I'm working those FIREWORKS!! Sparking the spark inside to reality to what is inside I welcome this hard or not my light will never go out. He can not put out my spark, in reality he never could i'm still here!!! I'm still fighing for me!! I am soooo worth it!!!
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