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ARGH!! What a tug of war I feel!

Monday, August 01, 2011

Wow, having a really hard time writing a letter of compassion to myself Iím actually dreading it which sounds stupid, why would I feel bad about telling myself it was okay and not my fault of what happened could it be that I still have a hard time feeling as if though I could have done this instead of not. I guess what has really gotten me was the day I actually sat down to write this a week ago my mom asked what are you doing so I told her what I was doing her comment was ďWell if you would have told me you wouldnít have had to go through all that nightmare; I would have stopped it all and he would have been in jail soonerĒ Really mom, I said to her, really when you have someone holding a knife to you or showing you a gun on what he will do if you tell or telling you he will hurt your siblings that live there reallyĒ I was so upset, it just made me think more of the could have should have would haves which is what this whole process is trying to undo. Yet somehow I still feel responsible and now I have some anger toward her comment. As it was brought up to me by a good friend, she just feels like she was inadequate and not noticing the signs that she should have known so I guess we both suffer from the should have could haves. Yet here I am still scared of writing this letter to myself. Or am I scared of admitting I had no control. I guess I need to ponder it. This letter sounds easier then it is or maybe Iím making it more complicated than it really is! ARGH!!!

All i know is that i'm not being good to myself binging has been there most of last week and i just feel drained.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REXTINE1 8/7/2011 4:02PM

    It is hard to be a little kid, and hard to decide to feel any particular way. When you're older you get to look back on a lit of things that you which you had a chance to change or avoid, but the past never changes. I hope you do recover, if not soon, at least eventually.

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EAGLES_WINGS 8/7/2011 8:29AM

    It is tough having that kind of stuff in your childhood. I am glad you allowed yourself to write the letter. I think I should try the same thing. I have been through PTSD counseling but I never wrote a letter like that. I think it would be a good thing to do. Keep fighting the good fight! Hang in there! With love, Karen emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EBPOOKIE 8/2/2011 7:04PM

    Thank you everyone for your encouragement and inspirational post. I'm doing good i actually started it last night and found it to be a release if that makes any sense. It also showed me why i do some of the things i do with food. Made a lot more sense thankyou for supporting me.

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    Emmy - praying for you as deal with the pain of the past. emoticon

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RD03875 8/2/2011 11:38AM

    Good Luck!

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ITSAWRAP_DIMI 8/2/2011 8:53AM

    You are having very valid feelings and I am glad that you have a therapist to help you through this. Your mom's intention is good but she just does not understand. I am rooting for you girl!!!! There will be many blessed by your healing. xoxo

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EBPOOKIE 8/1/2011 7:01PM


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AAAACK 8/1/2011 6:59PM

    I've been a victim, too. I've learned a lot since then. I'll share a little of what I took forward and leave out what I left behind.

You can't change yesterday. You are a human being with passions, fears, and reactions. You can't do something twice to see if it turns out better one way or other. You deserve to be your own best friend, care for yourself as if you were worth a lot of anything you value highly.

Writing that letter - try it one way first, then do it the way assigned. First write it to someone ELSE who has gone through the same thing you did. Make her up, picture her in a movie, whatever, but write to her what you'd say if she were sitting on your sofa. Then put the letter away and try to realize that you have as much, or more, value than that girl on your sofa--that imaginary girl. You are REAL. And then write your letter to yourself realizing how much value you have and how much you deserve to hear the things that you were willing to tell the imaginary girl.

You are powerful, you will get more powerful each day that you distance yourself from the person/people in your life who have abused you. But you were always valuable, and always will be.


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EBPOOKIE 8/1/2011 2:08PM

    THank you just so that you know i am working throught this with my therapist that i chose to go through because of my binge eating, she specializes in this kind of stuff. So i have gotten the help this is part of it and i just have to get through this hump.

Comment edited on: 8/1/2011 2:11:48 PM

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LADYBUGOH 8/1/2011 2:03PM

    I don't know where you live or if you have already been given this advise but locally we have free help for victims of violent crime and domestic abuse. There is a national Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. Not that I have my PhD. but sounds like some PTSD going on. 1st of all a person makes a choice to act and that act is solely the responsibility of the person not ever the victim. A bad person did bad things to me and threatened to kill my mom if I didn't do what he wanted so I played along. I have regretted it ever since. Ok well not as much as I did at first. I am starting to forgive myself and most importantly ditching the blame and guilt. Get help from supportive understanding people who have been there. Maybe you don't have to write the letter now. Maybe you can write some thing neutral about yourself and work your way up to a 2 page essay on how great you are! Yay you! There is a great difference between being the witness to some thing bad and actually being the bad thing. Best wishes to you! emoticon

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Homework for BED therapy

Friday, July 22, 2011

Write and be compassionate to my younger self. Hmmm not sure how that will go but willing to do try doing. I have to have it done by the 6th appt. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEWINGMAMACDS 7/24/2011 3:14PM


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EBPOOKIE 7/23/2011 7:19PM

    THANK YOU ROBYN!! i'm gonna do it just scary :) emoticon

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ROBYN168 7/23/2011 6:53PM

    That is a toughie for sure! I know you can do it!

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EBPOOKIE 7/23/2011 6:51PM

    Thanks Rex!! Hey Rex you are looking good!! THanks for all of your support i realy appreciate it!!

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REXTINE1 7/23/2011 5:09PM

    Good luck.

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Binge free even when you get handed lemons

Thursday, July 21, 2011

So on Tuesday on my way home from my TOPS weight loss support group my husband calls me and letís me know the job he just started is switching him to part time status because they are slow. So my mind is like you have been there 4 weeks and already for real. So my head is spinning thinking of expenses and how we will deal. As soon as I got home I wrote it out and we will be okay as a matter of fact we can handle it we just have to adjust. I didnít turn to food Woohoo!!

I started thinking of things we do that are wasteful and how we can trim our food budget. I will still buy my items as they go on sale aka meatóinstead of packing ground meat in one pound packages Iím doing half # I think it will be less wasteful use what we need a lot of the times we donít need a full pound. Also, I love beans so that will be something I can do for proteins, my mom makes some really good chili and I love it because itís not sodium filled and I freeze and use it for campouts and bbq.

I am really looking at things that we can buy and I can make my own mini portions packages. I can get things in the bulk bins at my local grocery things like rice, cereal, flour, sugar, snack peanuts trail mix and beans etc. I know that will help in savings.

Then I will continue to get my fruit and veggies from local farm stands it gives me a chance to try new veggies too. Anyone who says you canít lose weight on budget is wrong. I have made a list of some great recipes that are reasonable and healthy. Portions, Portions, and Portions!! This past week I have eaten whatever I want and have not felt deprived. I have had buffalo burgers and chips and a salad. I made a huge salad with my own raspberry vinaigrette, added chicken and raspberries to it. Iíve made sandwiches with chicken, guac and cabbage on 9 grain. In the past Iíve made soups with simple base items like onion, garlic, chopped ham, chorizo (Mexican sausage), bologna, raviolis, pastas, rice, beans frozen hash browns and frozen veggies. These makes 6-8 servings of different types of soups each depends what combo I use but if you look at the ingredients they are reasonably priced and make great lunches with half a sandwich or just a roll and salad. When I batch cook and plan my meals it helps with my eating. I usually freeze the soups and just grab and go lunches.

So while I just pretty much told you what I wrote out it felt good because I didnít binge eat I actually found solutions to what I thought was a huge problem. I can take the $ budgeted for groceries and still make it work and maybe even find ways to save $. A major accomplishment!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EAGLES_WINGS 8/7/2011 8:25AM

    Those were great ideas. I am still stuck in emotional eating. Way to go! You are doing great!

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ROBYN168 7/23/2011 6:55PM

    Emmy - I'm a few days late on this one....Sparking time has been limited....

I'm sorry about the change of status for hubby...hopefully things will pick up again soon.

Yeah for your for planning and writing - you are making great strides.....especially when lemons are finding you!!! Way to go!

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SEWINGMAMACDS 7/22/2011 10:31AM

    Proud of you!

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KPACE7 7/21/2011 10:26PM

    Good job on not binging!

I like to make soups in the crock pot and freeze portions. Keeps me on track with portion sizes. Many times I have stood at the grocery store, not wanting to pay the higher prices for fresh produce. I finally decided that it would cost me more healthwise not to.........Keep to the plan!


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REXTINE1 7/21/2011 8:33PM

    You just showed us a perfect example of making lemons into lemonaide. Good show!

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JESSICA2140 7/21/2011 2:51PM

    if you are looking to save money on your grocery bill, couponing is a really fun way to do it! I just started doing it seriously in June, and in the last 6 weeks, I've spent about $500 LESS on groceries than I would have otherwise...and have already assembled a pretty impressive collection of nonperishable staples to last for about another 6 months! (Like, 6 months worth of Pantene, paper towels, laundry soap, bath soap, razors, toothpaste, etc.) And we are eating "the good stuff", name brands, for almost free prices. I learned how to "correctly" coupon using the website thekrazycouponlady.com. You should check it out...will help you to save some $$, and it's really fun to get the "good deals" every week!

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EBPOOKIE 7/21/2011 1:27PM

    AAAACK-I am really proud and thank you!!! I feel so good inside! I'm just trying to put the things into play that i'm learning in my counseling-therapy

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AAAACK 7/21/2011 1:15PM

    I LOVE that you went home and wrote a budget instead of bingeing! I know that would have been a trigger for me too, and I'm inspired by and excited for you that you just did the sensible thing!

Feel proud of yourself!


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Rocking the Program

Monday, July 18, 2011

Spark is back and running with it!! I am so worth it every minute i put into myself!!!

I am here because I will never quit rocking my program no matter how hard things get. I will remember I am a survivor and even when i have a bad day i will not punish myself because that would be turning my spark off. The light will shine bright because no one can put it out not even if i try. It may flicker and get dim but never go out!

Rocked the exercise today, was awsome class, it felt so good to be there!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EBPOOKIE 7/21/2011 1:08PM

    Thanks Carrie!! Fire is back and i'm gonna break my plateau and contine on. I am worth being healthy! No more punishing myself!

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SEWINGMAMACDS 7/21/2011 1:01PM

    emoticon emoticon I am so glad to see the "fire" back! You rock!

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Healing those forgotten wounds!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Looking in and healing those forgotten wounds or should I say resurfacing so that i can start healing. My childhood was very memorible from up and til i was 12 1/2 years then i started visiting my dad it was court order. Two different states being 12 and not having seen my dad since i was 5 years old I was nervous, excited and scared. I didn't know him, i remembered him a little but what i remembered of the last seen was my step mother hitting my mom so i was still scared of what could be.

So when i got there it felt cold in their house, i was shown to my room and then given the run down of how things worked. I was to get up at such hours, my time for showers/baths was x time, bed time was strictly at 8:30. So I knew and felt unwanted, there was no hugging or anything my two younger brothers and i hit it off we had allies.

My second nite there was when i really found out of the rules and how my step mother would make my life hell and add the abuse my dad would dish out. There was much violence and abuse and was told I would not live to see my mom or that he could get rid of her and i would have to live there permenantly,I kept quiet no one would ever know. Always a gun or knife shown to remind me not to speak, that was the summer my life changed forever. My father took my innocense and that is when i learned of no locked doors unless he padlocked you in. Food was deprieved for a point to be made or to get what he wanted.

I kept everything hidden as time went by we found out of his secret affair and that we had two other siblings they were closer to my age a sister whow was 3 years younger and a brother who was about 1.4 years younger then me but their mom quote "quit on life" so they came to live with us. At this point my mom had moved back to the state we were originally from and i still lived with her but my dad had me every weekend, every school holiday, every vacation, except for every other x-mas and 3 weeks in August before school started. Life was never the same. I only had one summer '79 when i spend it with my sister and then my mom because he had a job to go to out of state. All of our lives came together and we loved each other like we had always known each other my siblings.

So i have opened the closet door and let them come out so that we can start addressing the issues that i have with food. My binge eating started when the food deprevation happened i would eat and eat because we didn't know when we would again, sometimes ate to the point that you felt sick but what where you to do if you could be locked up, my dad was a deadbeat in the fact that he provided all of $25.00 a week for child support so my mom had to work 3 jobs i was home alone. Food turned to a comforter, a comforter to quill my lonliness or anxiety of never feeling like i was safe from him or that my siblings was still in that hell and i was away.

These last 3 weeks in therapy where hard very hard as things would come up. Filling out a questionaire of 25 pages full and medical history etc. On Thursday, i had major anxiety that night i wanted to eat but chose not to i ended up reading my book, I really felt like cancelling my session for Friday afternoon, thinking of the hard work that we would be discussing would be hard but i pushed through and told myself i was going that i was WORTH IT! That i couldn't get better without going to it. This post is very personal but at the same time very empowering, it feels good to let it out to feel free. I'm working those FIREWORKS!! Sparking the spark inside to reality to what is inside I welcome this hard or not my light will never go out. He can not put out my spark, in reality he never could i'm still here!!! I'm still fighing for me!! I am soooo worth it!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALWAYSOWNIT 10/11/2011 5:39PM

    Seriously , I don't even now if I should be saying this but I really feel ashamed of myself. People suffer from ED after suffering so much n life.I, on the other hand had a pretty secure life ,yeah i had ups and down but I guess that happens with everyone.I feel for you and am so glad that you are finally taking back your life. You deserve it and more. emoticon

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SEWINGMAMACDS 7/19/2011 5:47PM

    Oh Emmy, you are very brave in sharing. I pray that it will bring about emotional healing.

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FLUTTERBY4JC 7/18/2011 11:03PM

    Thank you for being open with this as I know it is hard but yet empowering to say these things that happened out loud! You are an amazing person and it takes a lot of courage to work through these things. I am enjoying being able to see this journey you are on! Keep up going towards the healing you deserve as you reach for your goals!

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EBPOOKIE 7/18/2011 4:00PM

    Facing my fears and past is the only way I can move forward. RX in between all of the poop i still have some good that came out of it, i am very close to my younger siblings we are survivors and we all have had pretty good lives i just want to be healthy both mentally and physically. I am doing everything to have my mind heart and soul be healthy! Steps baby steps to get there but i will!!! As my therapist said i'm not a victim but a SURVIVOR! Thank you for stopping by both of you!

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REXTINE1 7/18/2011 3:47PM

    Compared to you, I had a great childhood. I didn't know what bad was.

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EBPOOKIE 7/17/2011 9:19PM

    Thank you!

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KJMAZ2011 7/17/2011 9:09PM

    You are so courageous. Those are hard things to admit, nevermind online. I am so glad you are doing everything you can to keep your spark alive. You are worth it, and you can do it!

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