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Healing those forgotten wounds!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Looking in and healing those forgotten wounds or should I say resurfacing so that i can start healing. My childhood was very memorible from up and til i was 12 1/2 years then i started visiting my dad it was court order. Two different states being 12 and not having seen my dad since i was 5 years old I was nervous, excited and scared. I didn't know him, i remembered him a little but what i remembered of the last seen was my step mother hitting my mom so i was still scared of what could be.

So when i got there it felt cold in their house, i was shown to my room and then given the run down of how things worked. I was to get up at such hours, my time for showers/baths was x time, bed time was strictly at 8:30. So I knew and felt unwanted, there was no hugging or anything my two younger brothers and i hit it off we had allies.

My second nite there was when i really found out of the rules and how my step mother would make my life hell and add the abuse my dad would dish out. There was much violence and abuse and was told I would not live to see my mom or that he could get rid of her and i would have to live there permenantly,I kept quiet no one would ever know. Always a gun or knife shown to remind me not to speak, that was the summer my life changed forever. My father took my innocense and that is when i learned of no locked doors unless he padlocked you in. Food was deprieved for a point to be made or to get what he wanted.

I kept everything hidden as time went by we found out of his secret affair and that we had two other siblings they were closer to my age a sister whow was 3 years younger and a brother who was about 1.4 years younger then me but their mom quote "quit on life" so they came to live with us. At this point my mom had moved back to the state we were originally from and i still lived with her but my dad had me every weekend, every school holiday, every vacation, except for every other x-mas and 3 weeks in August before school started. Life was never the same. I only had one summer '79 when i spend it with my sister and then my mom because he had a job to go to out of state. All of our lives came together and we loved each other like we had always known each other my siblings.

So i have opened the closet door and let them come out so that we can start addressing the issues that i have with food. My binge eating started when the food deprevation happened i would eat and eat because we didn't know when we would again, sometimes ate to the point that you felt sick but what where you to do if you could be locked up, my dad was a deadbeat in the fact that he provided all of $25.00 a week for child support so my mom had to work 3 jobs i was home alone. Food turned to a comforter, a comforter to quill my lonliness or anxiety of never feeling like i was safe from him or that my siblings was still in that hell and i was away.

These last 3 weeks in therapy where hard very hard as things would come up. Filling out a questionaire of 25 pages full and medical history etc. On Thursday, i had major anxiety that night i wanted to eat but chose not to i ended up reading my book, I really felt like cancelling my session for Friday afternoon, thinking of the hard work that we would be discussing would be hard but i pushed through and told myself i was going that i was WORTH IT! That i couldn't get better without going to it. This post is very personal but at the same time very empowering, it feels good to let it out to feel free. I'm working those FIREWORKS!! Sparking the spark inside to reality to what is inside I welcome this hard or not my light will never go out. He can not put out my spark, in reality he never could i'm still here!!! I'm still fighing for me!! I am soooo worth it!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALWAYSOWNIT 10/11/2011 5:39PM

    Seriously , I don't even now if I should be saying this but I really feel ashamed of myself. People suffer from ED after suffering so much n life.I, on the other hand had a pretty secure life ,yeah i had ups and down but I guess that happens with everyone.I feel for you and am so glad that you are finally taking back your life. You deserve it and more. emoticon

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SEWINGMAMACDS 7/19/2011 5:47PM

    Oh Emmy, you are very brave in sharing. I pray that it will bring about emotional healing.

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FLUTTERBY4JC 7/18/2011 11:03PM

    Thank you for being open with this as I know it is hard but yet empowering to say these things that happened out loud! You are an amazing person and it takes a lot of courage to work through these things. I am enjoying being able to see this journey you are on! Keep up going towards the healing you deserve as you reach for your goals!
emoticon

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EBPOOKIE 7/18/2011 4:00PM

    Facing my fears and past is the only way I can move forward. RX in between all of the poop i still have some good that came out of it, i am very close to my younger siblings we are survivors and we all have had pretty good lives i just want to be healthy both mentally and physically. I am doing everything to have my mind heart and soul be healthy! Steps baby steps to get there but i will!!! As my therapist said i'm not a victim but a SURVIVOR! Thank you for stopping by both of you!

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REXTINE1 7/18/2011 3:47PM

    Compared to you, I had a great childhood. I didn't know what bad was.

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EBPOOKIE 7/17/2011 9:19PM

    Thank you!

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KJMAZ2011 7/17/2011 9:09PM

    You are so courageous. Those are hard things to admit, nevermind online. I am so glad you are doing everything you can to keep your spark alive. You are worth it, and you can do it!

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Slow progress!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I feel like i've made better choices lately now i just need to get back into my regular routines again. One thing at a time!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RD03875 7/12/2011 4:43PM

    i know just how you feel!

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EBPOOKIE 7/12/2011 9:07AM

    Stef thank you! I know it's been a learning process since i started therapy for my Binge Eating Disorder so i'm really working at it. Journaling and tracking is what has helped. I know it will all come together and i just have to make me the priority and get passed my walls i've dropped 40# so i know I can do it i just have to push through this and it will start going down againl Again thank you for the great comment and i really appreciate it!

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ECHAVEZ2 7/12/2011 12:27AM

    Sometimes taking one day at a time, one step at a time, or one strategy at a time is best. We are all different. Remember...you can't change what you don't acknowledge therefore you will make progress because you acknowledge what it is you need to do! Rock it Girl!!!

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Planning!

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Okay so here i go, i just spend 2 hours completing a questionairre about my family history, family health, my health, my daily routine is being tracked hour by hour on what i do daily and then had to answer deep rooted family questions. Also, had to answer truthfully about my binge eating etc. if yesterday was draining this was harder becuase while they were about 7 questions they are like essay questions asking about my relationships with my father, mother, siblings etc, if there was abuse,etc the types of parents i had, divorces,etc. I've been to my childhood a few times within the past 24 hours. I have to tell ya it numbs you but then again my walls of food where how i hid from the fear, anxiety etc. I am ready to keep digging i do know i use food and the reason how it started. The key is that i have to reverse the reasons i do it because i am in safe place now and i am worth the work i'm doing for myself, i don't have to sabbotoge myself in order to protect myself so baby steps here we go.

I am planning my meals this week and will attempt to do more to stick with it. i've done it before i can do it again. I AM WORTH I AM A FIRECRACKER READY TO BURST! POP!

HERE GOES IGNITE IT!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EBPOOKIE 7/10/2011 7:15PM

    Thank you ladies!!

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SEWINGMAMACDS 7/10/2011 11:40AM

    emoticon

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ROBYN168 7/10/2011 8:42AM

    Emmy - "Let your colors burst!" You can do it. Sometimes seeing something in writing is even more encouraging and helpful than just talking or thinking! You will also have something to go back to and review when you feel you need to regroup!

You are right -you are worth it!

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Draining Therapy Session

Friday, July 08, 2011

Wow, today was draining, i had to go where i haven't been in along time i left my BED therapy drained and knowing more about what trigger those binges. The things i went through when i was a kid, the hiding, the hurt, the secrets kept from my mom about what was going on. Needless to say i found out how two of my trigger take me to food for comfort and why. Now to break that habit and know that I am worth succeeding and not sabbotoging myself anymore. emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROBYN168 7/11/2011 5:56PM

    Emmy - I am so happy for you - and the fact that your finding the hidden reasons....keep up the work! It's going to do you wonders!

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SUE1512 7/9/2011 12:48AM

    YES! You are worth it! The knowing will certainly help the planning ahead! Way to go on working through it!

emoticon

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CATHYJR73 7/8/2011 11:06PM

    emoticonEven though it is tough to get through you know it will be so worth it in the long run. emoticon

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.DUSTY. 7/8/2011 9:49PM

    emoticonI'm so happy for you that you are getting help and are working so hard!

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JONICACALDWELL 7/8/2011 9:10PM

    emoticon emoticon

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Sparking my lifestyle because i am worth it!

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Feeling a spark come over me the past few days which i'm just going with i haven't binged since last week and feeling more confidence. i had an awesome day one of my best eating days in awhile i feel good!!! No depreviation at all!!!

Funny the feelings that i have had in the past few weeks have been up and then down at times. Today when i logged into facebook the sparksong was Firework by Katy Perry. Wow has anyone really listed to the words, left me thinking and i have to tell you it moved me.

There is a part in the song which says:

"You don't have to feel like a waste of space
Your're original, cannot be replaced
if you only knew what the future holds
After a hurrican comes a rainbow
Maybe you're the reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you the perfect road"

Like a lightning bold your heart will blow and when it's time you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
just own the light like the 4th of july

Cuz baby ur a firework come on show what you're worth

Amazing i heard this song like a dozen times and this time I listened and heard it.

I loved it, really made me think of what is inside me. I mean i know but really analyze more of it. Funny how a song can really hit you deep this is really going into my postive songs i listen to.

I am very musical, and things come to me that way and it's how i have couped with lonliness when i was home along and it made me feel like someone when i would sign in glee club when in school and choir in high school. I had forgotten how important it was to me. I was doing church choir b4 I am thinking i may go back, it fullfills me spiritally. It is something private inside that moves me. My husband and family know how much i like it today this song sparked that flame again. I realize that it is what i feel good with, i love to dance, it expresses fun, joy, happiness as does music to me. So, it is something i'll roll with!

Thank you sparks for posting this song on facebook it really popped like the fireworks i saw last night. Much gratitude!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EBPOOKIE 7/7/2011 5:40PM

    THank you Borg!!! I appreciate that!! I try to be ;)

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BORGQUEEN 7/7/2011 3:54PM

    That is a great song, really inspiring. You are a firework, Emmy! emoticon

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EBPOOKIE 7/6/2011 2:39PM

    Ant1021 it is an awesome song it makes me want to live move sing dance the things that make me who i am i love that part of me the musical side of it. I forget that music is a big prt of whom i am.

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ANT1021 7/6/2011 2:16PM

    Thanks for the post...I love that song, but never really paid attention to it. I think I need to turn it on when I start feeling like I can't win this battle emoticon

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ROBYN168 7/6/2011 9:44AM

    I never liked that song until I listened to the words.....now I love it....

Glad you are finding your Spark Emmy!

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SRHALLIN 7/6/2011 12:52AM

    That is one of my daughter's favorite songs.

I'm similarly inspired by music. I heard a song on the voice called "Stitch by Stitch" by Javier Colon which truly reached me: (excerpt)
----------------------
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Blue and black, heart torn out,
You uncover what's beneath my skin
There and back, there's no doubt, your touch is my medicine

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch.

What you say, without words, resuscitates what was numb inside
So repair me, every thread of me, 'cause you're bringing me back to life

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...
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I heard this song, and I thought it is sung as if to another Human Being. But, to me, it was a reflection in the mirror. I'm the only one who can heal me. I have all of the pieces. I just need to settle in and start putting myself back together ... stitch by stitch.

Just thought I would share it, as your blog really reminded me of the power of music to sway the human spirit and rouse us to greater states of being and awareness.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Comment edited on: 7/6/2011 12:53:20 AM

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