Monday, July 18, 2011
Spark is back and running with it!! I am so worth it every minute i put into myself!!!
I am here because I will never quit rocking my program no matter how hard things get. I will remember I am a survivor and even when i have a bad day i will not punish myself because that would be turning my spark off. The light will shine bright because no one can put it out not even if i try. It may flicker and get dim but never go out!
Rocked the exercise today, was awsome class, it felt so good to be there!!!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Looking in and healing those forgotten wounds or should I say resurfacing so that i can start healing. My childhood was very memorible from up and til i was 12 1/2 years then i started visiting my dad it was court order. Two different states being 12 and not having seen my dad since i was 5 years old I was nervous, excited and scared. I didn't know him, i remembered him a little but what i remembered of the last seen was my step mother hitting my mom so i was still scared of what could be.
So when i got there it felt cold in their house, i was shown to my room and then given the run down of how things worked. I was to get up at such hours, my time for showers/baths was x time, bed time was strictly at 8:30. So I knew and felt unwanted, there was no hugging or anything my two younger brothers and i hit it off we had allies.
My second nite there was when i really found out of the rules and how my step mother would make my life hell and add the abuse my dad would dish out. There was much violence and abuse and was told I would not live to see my mom or that he could get rid of her and i would have to live there permenantly,I kept quiet no one would ever know. Always a gun or knife shown to remind me not to speak, that was the summer my life changed forever. My father took my innocense and that is when i learned of no locked doors unless he padlocked you in. Food was deprieved for a point to be made or to get what he wanted.
I kept everything hidden as time went by we found out of his secret affair and that we had two other siblings they were closer to my age a sister whow was 3 years younger and a brother who was about 1.4 years younger then me but their mom quote "quit on life" so they came to live with us. At this point my mom had moved back to the state we were originally from and i still lived with her but my dad had me every weekend, every school holiday, every vacation, except for every other x-mas and 3 weeks in August before school started. Life was never the same. I only had one summer '79 when i spend it with my sister and then my mom because he had a job to go to out of state. All of our lives came together and we loved each other like we had always known each other my siblings.
So i have opened the closet door and let them come out so that we can start addressing the issues that i have with food. My binge eating started when the food deprevation happened i would eat and eat because we didn't know when we would again, sometimes ate to the point that you felt sick but what where you to do if you could be locked up, my dad was a deadbeat in the fact that he provided all of $25.00 a week for child support so my mom had to work 3 jobs i was home alone. Food turned to a comforter, a comforter to quill my lonliness or anxiety of never feeling like i was safe from him or that my siblings was still in that hell and i was away.
These last 3 weeks in therapy where hard very hard as things would come up. Filling out a questionaire of 25 pages full and medical history etc. On Thursday, i had major anxiety that night i wanted to eat but chose not to i ended up reading my book, I really felt like cancelling my session for Friday afternoon, thinking of the hard work that we would be discussing would be hard but i pushed through and told myself i was going that i was WORTH IT! That i couldn't get better without going to it. This post is very personal but at the same time very empowering, it feels good to let it out to feel free. I'm working those FIREWORKS!! Sparking the spark inside to reality to what is inside I welcome this hard or not my light will never go out. He can not put out my spark, in reality he never could i'm still here!!! I'm still fighing for me!! I am soooo worth it!!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I feel like i've made better choices lately now i just need to get back into my regular routines again. One thing at a time!
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Okay so here i go, i just spend 2 hours completing a questionairre about my family history, family health, my health, my daily routine is being tracked hour by hour on what i do daily and then had to answer deep rooted family questions. Also, had to answer truthfully about my binge eating etc. if yesterday was draining this was harder becuase while they were about 7 questions they are like essay questions asking about my relationships with my father, mother, siblings etc, if there was abuse,etc the types of parents i had, divorces,etc. I've been to my childhood a few times within the past 24 hours. I have to tell ya it numbs you but then again my walls of food where how i hid from the fear, anxiety etc. I am ready to keep digging i do know i use food and the reason how it started. The key is that i have to reverse the reasons i do it because i am in safe place now and i am worth the work i'm doing for myself, i don't have to sabbotoge myself in order to protect myself so baby steps here we go.
I am planning my meals this week and will attempt to do more to stick with it. i've done it before i can do it again. I AM WORTH I AM A FIRECRACKER READY TO BURST! POP!
HERE GOES IGNITE IT!
Friday, July 08, 2011
Wow, today was draining, i had to go where i haven't been in along time i left my BED therapy drained and knowing more about what trigger those binges. The things i went through when i was a kid, the hiding, the hurt, the secrets kept from my mom about what was going on. Needless to say i found out how two of my trigger take me to food for comfort and why. Now to break that habit and know that I am worth succeeding and not sabbotoging myself anymore.
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