Thursday, April 22, 2010
This past week for my TOPS group I had to do some homework. I had to look at myself in the mirror each day and tell myself I LOVE YOU. Well at first I thought this was cheesy and well I really couldnít stand to look at myself in the mirror. I could see the reality of where my life had brought me with my food choices and lack of exercise. I realized that I have a choice to make daily; I can make them be healthy or unhealthy. If I chose unhealthy then I must live with my consequences at the scale, my health and relationships (yes it effects that too). I realized that my weight loss problem ties into so many other aspects of my life such as finances and household.
I find that when I am in not in control other things get lost as well. I canít get lost and stay lost. I canít fear failure or success. I have to stop sabotaging myself when things get good. I have to allow myself that feeling of goodness and that I deserve that feeling, that I donít have to cause myself grief to punish myself for the good I have done when I lose weight. I am worth this effort, sometimes I feel like a professional dieter. I know what do to I have all the tools and then some and I have the friends and family that support me. I really need to carry the motivation I feel when I go to my TOPS meeting or see at the scale to continue to do for myself. I know this can be done Iíve done it before I got as low as 240# 16 years ago and let it all go to crap because of two event in my life. I have to find a way to let it go because those events are what make me fear the success I felt for that time. One was a promotion that was given to me was taken away when a new owner came into play, I lacked a degree and he felt that he didnít have time for me to learn the ropes to manage so I was asked to step down. The other was same thing I lost and got back to 240 because I prepared to go Europe with my best friend. He then got a promotion and cancelled the trip. I was really hurt both times and since then have struggled to put the effort into myself. I have built this major wall around me, which only hurts me. So in both circumstances they where things that I lost control in what the outcome was at that moment in time, writing this right now it sounds lame. I got off my butt and went back to school and am now in a job I love. As for the trip, Europe will always be there and I can go with my hubby now. Okay so how do I get passed this feeling, are they excuses? Do I need to get honest with the feelings I battle with? I have to do something so that I can stay in control and not stall my weight loss journey. I have to stop feeding my emotions and instead of feeding it food finding another outlet like exercise or scrapbooking. I have to remember everything day that I am worth it. The other part of my home was to come up with 5 things that I love about myself, so if looking at the mirror was hard; coming up with 5 positives was even harder but I did and here they are:
I realized that my fear is hindering me from succeeding in many aspects of my life so I have to kick it in the ass and move on. There is actually a name for my fear of failure - Atychiphobia. This phobia keeps us from trying an activity we want to try. Causes of these phobia stems from links from early in life experiences which make sense and the solution or treatment is to write them down and face them as you go do not procrastinate. Do one at a time and battle the fear!!! Start with Excuses :)
Hmmm so this made me think, so one thing I know is that I am mad at my dad for not being in my life, I always thought it was something I had done. I know now that he had a problem and that was drinking I never knew how bad it was until he died almost two years ago, he was found dead in his van in a parking lot. My step mom told me he battled with it daily and she also told me he loved me, which was hard to believe. Part of me gets it the other is pissed off that he chose a bottle over spending time with me. I never got to tell him that. So maybe that will be something I will have to journal about; write him a letter and just get those feelings out. I have no other way of getting it off my chest.
Boy this is making me open my eyes and mind. Maybe this little homework made me think more than I thought. So looking in the mirror is a good thing when I see myself deep inside vs. the outside. Maybe this exercise was indented for me to look inside and help pull out what is ailing and keeping me from succeeding. I have to face the fears I need to tackle them in order to succeed. I really donít want to stay where I am at anymore. I have to stop being a professional dieter because this isnít a diet but a life time commitment to me. I have to be my own lover and believer of me. So tonight the heart I drew on the mirror will be bigger in that heart I will write down the 5 things that are great about me and then will write I love you where I can see it everyone morning as I get ready. I will SAY IT!! I will not just say it I will follow it with actions. I will plan to succeed and not to fail. I know I can!