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Emotional Eater am I

Friday, April 24, 2009

What a journey this isÖ this morning I found myself thinking about what went down last night. I had a horrible emotional eating night yesterday. I got frustrated and angry at a situation which at this time I have no control over and I let it get to me like no other. I am feeling fat, ugly, sad and just tired of the whole weight loss thingÖ anyway I find myself going to the local quickie mart and picked up beef sticks and soda pop and of course a bag of chips. I drink up my 20 oz Crush Grape Soda ate my beef stick and half of the Grab size bag of Chips. I feel worst now because of course I know I just screwed myself over but who cares I know go for a few slices of ham and finally talk myself out of doing anymore damage. So I am facing up to the fact that I have no self control when I am emotional. I binge eat, that will not let me lose weight no matter how hard I try. It is a rollercoaster ride I canít get off of. I seem to be there more then ever the past few months actually since November. It is like I quit working on myself for some reason. I canít pinpoint what happened for me to start on my downward time of self hate. So I decided today to research what I can do to get a grasp on my situation and in my searching I found this article and it hit home. Link: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Shuman1
.html Lots of cool other articles related to weight loss.
I understood everything it said and that is me in a nutshell, so now what. I start no obsessing over food. There is no bad food or good food it is the portions I eat more isnít always good. Biggie Size is not an option on a plate. I am going back to just sticking with eating better not removing things I likeóto make my brain feel deprived.
In my need to find out why I am so obsessed with losing weight, I realized why I eat emotionally; it has always been my safety net. Whenever I was lonely food was there for me, when I was scared, angry or frustrated I turned to food. My communications skills on emotions was not to talk about my feelings for the longest time I was told that When I was growing up my dad was obsolete as far as being there for me (parents divorced) my mom worked two jobs sometimes 3 so I was home alone a lot. I hate being alone, if I look back to October my mom left to go stay with my sis during the winter months and Byron was working swing shift so I was home alone. I just figured out what trigger this latest fall but now what she is back and Iím still there. Now I have the financial stresses and I feel like there is no control over it. We are getting by and it feels as though at times we have a noose wrapped around our necks. ARGH!!
So, I am going to focus on me not on food. I am going to do my best to eat the things I like but in moderation, cut back slowly on my huge portions until they are in check. More is not always better! I continue to drink my water and then work in doing fun stuff like walking and going and swimming at the gym in the pool, that I know I must do but I will start slow, I canít jump into 7 days a week when I have only walked once this week. Duh forming good habits are harder then returning to the old which means Iím doing nothing to care for myself, so little by little I will add to me. Happiness is something one achieves for themselves because no one can make you feel happy you have to find that on your own. As Eleanor Roosevelt said ďNo one can make you feel inferior without your consentĒ Oh how true this is. This applies to yourself as well, if you negative self talk and make your self feel inferior then you allowed it if you can do it and walk away and not feel the need them you have succeeded. So it is up to me to get over this hump and think in a new heart. No longer will I use food to make myself feel good I will use food to fuel my body as needed. Baby steps!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EBPOOKIE 4/26/2009 6:00PM

    Thank you Lisa your post really meant a lot to me. I have had a hard time the past few months of loving myself and not being negative, I've never have experienced this and i guess that is why it's it's been so hard on me. I'm trying and doing what i can to get there. Thank you for being there and Cyndi thank you for posting on my blog as well.

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CUATROMOMMY 4/24/2009 8:47PM

    Em-I know you can do this. I have nothing but faith and hope for you.

It's so hard to relax about food when you feel like you can't relax in general. So, just take it in a manner which may be easier...perhaps one hour at a time. If you don't stay on plan one hour, then get back on the next.

Remember, we have to learn to crawl before we can walk.

Also...give more attention to your positive accomplishments. First of all, doing the research you did is an accomplishment. Blogging is another. You are still here (on SP)...that's another.

This will perhaps be the hardest thing for me to tell you. Change the way you feel about yourself. Believe in yourself. I'm sure you feel good about others & believe in them even when they are doing things you don't agree with. Give yourself that same love. You are worth every good feeling and every shred of faith & hope that you offer to anyone else.

You have pulled me out of some dark days & I am very grateful for you. Your being here is so impoartant & I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels that way. So, sit up straight & hold your head up high.

YOU ROCK!!!

Believe...Do whatever it takes to believe your goals.

Trust...trust that you will give yourself the chances you need to accomplish your goals. You are growing...allow yourself the room to make mistakes and learn from them.

Love...love yourself and all the wonderful things around you.

Attract...start attracting your goals to yourself. Focus on the positive. Focus on that light at the end of the tunnel. Don't let anyone or anything take your focus away from the light. It is there and you can reach it if you slow down and concentrate and drown out all the negative energy.

Love ya Em!

-Lisa

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WOODLANDMYST 4/24/2009 3:57PM

  As someone who spent decades stuffing her feelings down with food, I can relate! But we only hurt ourselves, don't we... I've had a relapse myself, but I won't let it stop me. I WILL lose this weight! I know I can do it - and I know you can too. You've got the right attitude - it's all about baby steps and dusting yourself off when you fall. Thanks for the link - I needed that! Blessings, Cyndy

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Did It!!!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I have started drinking six cups of water regularly, some days I get up to ten cups. I am proud of myself I will continue this mini goal next will be my portion controls and eating late. I will start this today. I have learned about my trigger foods!!! Pop is one of them as is hot dogs I love them and I have to come to a happy medium with them.

I managed to lose 1 pound so far this week i'm excited, will keep at it. one meal at a time.

  
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GRIZZLYBEAR3 4/22/2009 7:32PM

    good work emmy


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Can't means Won't

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

After weeks of feeling like crap, feeling sorry for myself and wondering if I can really do this I got an email about how people find excuses on losing weight and they canít do this or that. It made me think again of myself. Last week we had TOPS couple came in who made their goal and lost over 250 pounds together and they looked great. They shared their stories and it made me remember watching a movie called Table of 5 in this movie there is a scene where the little boy tells his dad he canít read and they are trying to but he gets frustrated and yells ďI CANíTĒ his dadís response was ďCANíT MEANS WONíTĒ
So every time I say I canít go to the gym because of this or that it means I wonít, it means I am using as an excuse to fail, not to succeed so I am my worst enemy. My next thought is how I would treat someone else who wants to lose this weight well I would be encouraging and not condescending. I have been there. I know that no Nutrisystems, Jenny Craig, weightwatchers or any other weight loss pill or group will not get the weight off if I donít change my attitude to I CAN! I have to have more confidence in me to do. I have to respect myself and love myself to say I CAN!! So here we go again trying to get over the hump of not losing and using food as my crutch. I am tired of food dictating my life. I have noticed that when I am mad instead of saying it I eat it, instead of doing something when I am bored Ė you know like taking a walk and exercising I eat. I eat for all the wrong reason, eating is a form of living, you eat to live not live to eat. Food is what sustains us but it can also kill us when abused, never thought of it that way. I need to push myself harder!!! In order succeed I need to shop, plan and plan. Planning is success and one day at a time is less overwhelming, if I lose weekly no matter how much even if it is ounces I have had success. So I start with one change this week and that will be water for the next week that is my main focus. Drinking water!!! I hate water and at 305 pounds that means that I must drink half of my weigh in ounces in water which equates to 19 cups. YIKES!!!!
I have been drinking at least 32 oz of pop a day some days more. Therefore I need to replace 20 oz of that with water. That is my goal. My blood sugars are out of control again and I have done this to myself in 4 weeks. So here I go again but I am willing to make the sacrifices and stick with it. I am committing to myself to blog, to keep up with my team and share my daily struggles and successes. Today, no matter what I am going to my tops meeting I know there maybe a gain but if I donít hold myself accountable and get that needed support I wonít make it. I want to do this and have to do this for my health. I found myself turning to bariatric surgery-lap band consideration. I have done this before on my own, and will make this attempt to save myself. I know if others can I can. I watched a 60 some odd year old do it she lost 217# the problem is she stop attending our TOPS meeting and has started to gain, she is embarrassed to come back after receiving so many awards internationally and regionally. My last conversation with her last week was you canít fool a con; you are going back to old habits and fibbing about it. I really want to be honest with myself and succeed. I am tired of starting something and not finishing. I remember watching something on the biggest loser when one of the contestants said the same thing and how proud she was for once I would like to finish. I can do other things and I know if I start losing I will have more energy to do more. So baby steps. Water challenge will be first; 19 cups well that is my ultimate goal if I actually drank 8 cups of water yesterday and so far this morning I have had 32 oz and it is 9:30. I will drink my water and stay positive! One goal at a time, I KNOW I CAN!!! CANíT is not in my vocabulary because it means I WONíT but I WILL!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAINMUSIC 4/27/2009 2:18PM

    If you really hate tanking down that water, remember that many delicious foods contain lots of water and can substitute for some of that. Fresh fruits and veggies, yogurt, soup, and cooked cereal all count. So does green tea, my favorite non-calorie beverage. I especially like it iced, and iced tea season will be here as soon as the sun comes out. Add a few sprigs of mint or lemon balm and set it out in the sun to brew. Yum.

Which reminds me, I have got to get out to my garden today while it isn't raining.

And yes, give up the pop! Wow, that stuff is bad for you. Take your pop money and put it into a jar for that snazzy new workout suit that you Absolutely Can't Wait to Wear the the Gym!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/27/2009 2:19:14 PM

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WITHSPIRIT 4/15/2009 10:14PM

    I am thinking of you Emmy and I know you can do this! Can't does mean won't - you are right. I may not be a pink anymore but you can't get rid of me so easy. Love, Lisa

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Days 4-7 Good Grief!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Good Grief what is wrong with me. I am having a hard time with this change!! I just feel defeated!! I'm feeling depressed and not really having the energy to push myself. I basically want to sleep and eat!!! I don't want to really try much of anything. I'm really feeling down. I shouldn't feel this way, I have a great husband, wonderful furkids and a roof over my head, hungry we are not. I just am feeling really bad about myself. I can't even understand why. Inside I feel very alone, isolated. I know it is my head doing this. I feel like a hypocrite, here I am leading a team but yet I can't manage to lead myself. ARGH!!!! I feel like food has got an overwhelming power over me. DEFEAT!! I am trying to figure out how to get out this hole I feel I am in.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOOMOOSCARYGIRL 4/2/2009 9:45AM

    Depression is a kicker...I've only suffered from mild bouts but I know others who have and still suffer from severe depression...sometimes I find that I have to tell myself it is the depression that is wanting me to eat and since I am a Christian...I also say other things that help get me out of my funk but I won't go any further on that unless you are interested...Think of the wonderful testamony you will have and be to the others on the team once you get through this and can help others with what you are going through...there is always light at the end of the tunnel...try to stay focused and fight those negative urges...even when you don't want to...My prayers are with you...

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DIVA26 4/1/2009 2:40PM

    Hang in there Em! My husband and I have both been in one of those funks this week! And I KNOW the solution is to get some exercise in and make sure I am eating healthy, but sometimes when you are in this funk, it makes it even harder! Keep trying!

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CUATROMOMMY 3/30/2009 1:25PM

    Em-please see my post on our group chat. I'm feeling the same way & it appears that many others are as well.

It's time for a group intervention. We all need to pitch in & figure out how to do a group intervention.

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EBPOOKIE 3/30/2009 10:32AM

    Thank Jan, it's not that bad, I get into funks everyone once and a while never for long periods of time, I've just have to sort through it I know I will. Thanks!!
Will try and get my eating under control! Exercise will help as well. It will give me something to focus on... You take care of yourself and yes I understand about the leading the team aspect of it. I have been doing it for 2 plus years and I am seriously thinking of moving on next challenge. I keep thinking by doing this I won't gain more then I have but I really haven't done for myself. Anyway, have to get going-- work today, really pushing myself to go in, I could use another day off but I will have a long weekend in two weeks.



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THINKGREEN 3/30/2009 10:24AM

    Emmy, you are not alone. I also suffer from depression and even with meds it sometimes gets the better of me. And like you, I feel a great amount of guilt leading a team and yet being one of the folks who is posting gains each week. I keep asking myself if maybe I should step down because if I can't motivate myself how can I motivate a whole team? But we will turn this around. If you've been suffering from depression symptoms for more than two weeks, I would urge you to seek professional help if you haven't already. You can start with having your primary physician recommend someone. Try and push yourself to eat healthy and get at least 30 min of aerobic exercise daily (easier said than done -- believe me I know!). And most of all know that you have friends here on SP who care.
Jan (aka Thinkgreen)

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Day 2 & 3

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Not so bad, had a migraine for almost 2 days but taking baby steps to doing things yesterday i walked the stairs at work twice and walked around the building twice, we are on a hill so walking around the building is no cake walk. so will continue to push myself as we move along.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAINMUSIC 3/26/2009 6:56PM

    Go! Go!! GO!!!

emoticon

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GRIZZLYBEAR3 3/25/2009 4:17PM

    Be not afraid of taking the small steps to prosperity, only worry if you were not walking at all. Grizz emoticon

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GIQCKDIET 3/25/2009 11:59AM

    Keep it going. Your really inspiring me!

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