Friday, April 24, 2009
What a journey this isÖ this morning I found myself thinking about what went down last night. I had a horrible emotional eating night yesterday. I got frustrated and angry at a situation which at this time I have no control over and I let it get to me like no other. I am feeling fat, ugly, sad and just tired of the whole weight loss thingÖ anyway I find myself going to the local quickie mart and picked up beef sticks and soda pop and of course a bag of chips. I drink up my 20 oz Crush Grape Soda ate my beef stick and half of the Grab size bag of Chips. I feel worst now because of course I know I just screwed myself over but who cares I know go for a few slices of ham and finally talk myself out of doing anymore damage. So I am facing up to the fact that I have no self control when I am emotional. I binge eat, that will not let me lose weight no matter how hard I try. It is a rollercoaster ride I canít get off of. I seem to be there more then ever the past few months actually since November. It is like I quit working on myself for some reason. I canít pinpoint what happened for me to start on my downward time of self hate. So I decided today to research what I can do to get a grasp on my situation and in my searching I found this article and it hit home. Link: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Shuman1
.html Lots of cool other articles related to weight loss.
I understood everything it said and that is me in a nutshell, so now what. I start no obsessing over food. There is no bad food or good food it is the portions I eat more isnít always good. Biggie Size is not an option on a plate. I am going back to just sticking with eating better not removing things I likeóto make my brain feel deprived.
In my need to find out why I am so obsessed with losing weight, I realized why I eat emotionally; it has always been my safety net. Whenever I was lonely food was there for me, when I was scared, angry or frustrated I turned to food. My communications skills on emotions was not to talk about my feelings for the longest time I was told that When I was growing up my dad was obsolete as far as being there for me (parents divorced) my mom worked two jobs sometimes 3 so I was home alone a lot. I hate being alone, if I look back to October my mom left to go stay with my sis during the winter months and Byron was working swing shift so I was home alone. I just figured out what trigger this latest fall but now what she is back and Iím still there. Now I have the financial stresses and I feel like there is no control over it. We are getting by and it feels as though at times we have a noose wrapped around our necks. ARGH!!
So, I am going to focus on me not on food. I am going to do my best to eat the things I like but in moderation, cut back slowly on my huge portions until they are in check. More is not always better! I continue to drink my water and then work in doing fun stuff like walking and going and swimming at the gym in the pool, that I know I must do but I will start slow, I canít jump into 7 days a week when I have only walked once this week. Duh forming good habits are harder then returning to the old which means Iím doing nothing to care for myself, so little by little I will add to me. Happiness is something one achieves for themselves because no one can make you feel happy you have to find that on your own. As Eleanor Roosevelt said ďNo one can make you feel inferior without your consentĒ Oh how true this is. This applies to yourself as well, if you negative self talk and make your self feel inferior then you allowed it if you can do it and walk away and not feel the need them you have succeeded. So it is up to me to get over this hump and think in a new heart. No longer will I use food to make myself feel good I will use food to fuel my body as needed. Baby steps!!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I have started drinking six cups of water regularly, some days I get up to ten cups. I am proud of myself I will continue this mini goal next will be my portion controls and eating late. I will start this today. I have learned about my trigger foods!!! Pop is one of them as is hot dogs I love them and I have to come to a happy medium with them.
I managed to lose 1 pound so far this week i'm excited, will keep at it. one meal at a time.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
After weeks of feeling like crap, feeling sorry for myself and wondering if I can really do this I got an email about how people find excuses on losing weight and they canít do this or that. It made me think again of myself. Last week we had TOPS couple came in who made their goal and lost over 250 pounds together and they looked great. They shared their stories and it made me remember watching a movie called Table of 5 in this movie there is a scene where the little boy tells his dad he canít read and they are trying to but he gets frustrated and yells ďI CANíTĒ his dadís response was ďCANíT MEANS WONíTĒ
So every time I say I canít go to the gym because of this or that it means I wonít, it means I am using as an excuse to fail, not to succeed so I am my worst enemy. My next thought is how I would treat someone else who wants to lose this weight well I would be encouraging and not condescending. I have been there. I know that no Nutrisystems, Jenny Craig, weightwatchers or any other weight loss pill or group will not get the weight off if I donít change my attitude to I CAN! I have to have more confidence in me to do. I have to respect myself and love myself to say I CAN!! So here we go again trying to get over the hump of not losing and using food as my crutch. I am tired of food dictating my life. I have noticed that when I am mad instead of saying it I eat it, instead of doing something when I am bored Ė you know like taking a walk and exercising I eat. I eat for all the wrong reason, eating is a form of living, you eat to live not live to eat. Food is what sustains us but it can also kill us when abused, never thought of it that way. I need to push myself harder!!! In order succeed I need to shop, plan and plan. Planning is success and one day at a time is less overwhelming, if I lose weekly no matter how much even if it is ounces I have had success. So I start with one change this week and that will be water for the next week that is my main focus. Drinking water!!! I hate water and at 305 pounds that means that I must drink half of my weigh in ounces in water which equates to 19 cups. YIKES!!!!
I have been drinking at least 32 oz of pop a day some days more. Therefore I need to replace 20 oz of that with water. That is my goal. My blood sugars are out of control again and I have done this to myself in 4 weeks. So here I go again but I am willing to make the sacrifices and stick with it. I am committing to myself to blog, to keep up with my team and share my daily struggles and successes. Today, no matter what I am going to my tops meeting I know there maybe a gain but if I donít hold myself accountable and get that needed support I wonít make it. I want to do this and have to do this for my health. I found myself turning to bariatric surgery-lap band consideration. I have done this before on my own, and will make this attempt to save myself. I know if others can I can. I watched a 60 some odd year old do it she lost 217# the problem is she stop attending our TOPS meeting and has started to gain, she is embarrassed to come back after receiving so many awards internationally and regionally. My last conversation with her last week was you canít fool a con; you are going back to old habits and fibbing about it. I really want to be honest with myself and succeed. I am tired of starting something and not finishing. I remember watching something on the biggest loser when one of the contestants said the same thing and how proud she was for once I would like to finish. I can do other things and I know if I start losing I will have more energy to do more. So baby steps. Water challenge will be first; 19 cups well that is my ultimate goal if I actually drank 8 cups of water yesterday and so far this morning I have had 32 oz and it is 9:30. I will drink my water and stay positive! One goal at a time, I KNOW I CAN!!! CANíT is not in my vocabulary because it means I WONíT but I WILL!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Good Grief what is wrong with me. I am having a hard time with this change!! I just feel defeated!! I'm feeling depressed and not really having the energy to push myself. I basically want to sleep and eat!!! I don't want to really try much of anything. I'm really feeling down. I shouldn't feel this way, I have a great husband, wonderful furkids and a roof over my head, hungry we are not. I just am feeling really bad about myself. I can't even understand why. Inside I feel very alone, isolated. I know it is my head doing this. I feel like a hypocrite, here I am leading a team but yet I can't manage to lead myself. ARGH!!!! I feel like food has got an overwhelming power over me. DEFEAT!! I am trying to figure out how to get out this hole I feel I am in.
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