E11TEENA   17,335
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E11TEENA's Recent Blog Entries

Postpartum body blues- feel free to ignore while I throw myself a pity party

Sunday, August 04, 2013

I'm seriously trying NOT to be down on myself. But sometimes I just can't help it.

I am part of a group on Facebook, that is all women who were due to give birth around the same time as me. All of our babies were born April, May, June... Our due dates were all in May. Some of these women are really making me feel bad about myself. They keep posting pictures of themselves in bikinis complaining about how "fat" they look, or how jiggly their bellies are when they have a six pack. It's very frustrating for me. I felt AWESOME about my pregnancy. I gained under ten pounds total, and after my baby was born, I dropped THIRTY in the first three weeks. I ate the healthiest I have ever eaten in my life, and technically lost weight while I was pregnant. I ended my pregnancy lighter than when I started. I haven't been able to get much off since. I do as much as I can, but it's been hard with eating a normal balanced diet. I have to eat a higher carb diet than I want to, because most freggies make baby gassy through my breast milk. AND, not to mention, I am breast feeding/pumping and am burning calories like crazy. It SHOULD be coming off. Just 15 minutes of pumping, burns about 200 calories for me. Because I cannot eat the way that I would normally, I am not dropping the weight like I should. It is extremely frustrating. I have been bouncing up and down between the same five pounds and on the cusp of breaking into "ONEderland"... I am so close I can taste it. I am just not getting there and I am afraid that I am going to get frustrated and revert back to my old ways and put it all back on. That's the last thing I want. I want to be healthy for my son, and set a good example for him. It is SO important to me to be able to run around and play and enjoy my baby without feeling disgusting and hating myself. And I hate my body. I don't want to feel this way and I am scared if I don't get these pounds off, and soon, I am going to give up. I am fully aware that it takes time and patience, and I 100% get that. It just stinks putting in so much effort to not get anything in return.

I just started slowly adding more freggies into my diet. I *think* he is coming out of the gassy phase and his body is starting to handle these things easier. I have been able to incorporate nectarines, grapes, cucumbers and avocados with no issues yet. I had only been able to eat potatoes, bananas, apples and lettuce basically. I am hoping I will be able to continue to add more of these things without causing him any discomfort. It will help me a lot. I ate some watermelon today. Let's see how he does with that..

Anyway, I am just so sick of the women who want to complain how fat they are when they really aren't. And I am sick of feeling bad about myself. I felt good about myself, being down so much after baby and it's just been shot down after seeing these other women looking fantastic. For me, I DO look better than I did before I got pregnant. I joke about the "pregnancy diet" and how pregnancy agreed with my body... But, it still hurts deep down that I am as big as I am and have been fighting this for years. YEARS of dancing around 200 pounds, give or take 10. I've had enough. And I truly AM trying. It's just not working and I am getting frustrated.

I really hate this.

Ok, rant over... And I will keep on fighting... This amazing little boy gives me reason to continue on this journey.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LALMEIDA 8/13/2013 8:54PM

  emoticon

He is so adorable!

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JANTWO 8/6/2013 12:41AM

    What a beautiful baby!!!!

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ZELLAZM 8/5/2013 2:28PM

    Nothing to add, but to agree that he is adorable!

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SARIANEC 8/5/2013 10:28AM

    #1 Leave the Facebook group! (like BeccaB09) said. That is the only thing I don't like about being on FB, sometimes I am envious of others things or trips or what ever. And like you, I know my life is good and am very thankful for what I have.

#2 Wow - good for you on the healthy pregnancy. I gained a ton. I had big healthy babies, but I did not take care of mysefl.

#3 - When Connor settles and you can get some sleep, it will change for you. My oldest DS ate every two hours for months. And it wasn't just a wake up snack. When I first started pumping I was amazed at how much milk I had and what he was eating. son #2 was colicy for lack of a better word. I have several songs I made up I use to sing to him. It seems like sleep will never come again, but it will.

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TACONES 8/5/2013 8:24AM

    He is such a happy baby. You are doing great Tina. emoticon you will get there. You will have moments like this. Connor is a great motivation and workout buddy. Set a plan and execute. emoticon

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 8/5/2013 8:02AM

    Oh my gosh!!! What a beautiful happy baby!!! emoticon Put a big smile on my face:)

Don't even compare to those ladies, everyone is different. I think your change in diet will help you. More so when you finish breast feeding or the baby gets used to the "gassier" foods.

You are doing great, putting in all of this effort, be patient emoticon

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MARINEMAMA 8/5/2013 7:22AM

    What a cutie !!! You are doing great!! Leave that FB group!! No need to be around something that brings you down!! Surround yourself with positivity!! Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I have a couple of toxic people in my life...just zapping me of simple joy...why??? Life is too short...wish them all well...and move past it!! Best wishes!!!

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GSPEIRS 8/5/2013 3:22AM

    Hi There, I think you're doing awesome! Don't let the other ladies get you down. Sometimes when people say they are fat, it's for attention, and they are looking for everyone to tell them how skinny they are, etc. You're honestly doing the right thing and eating what you can. Don't give up, you will be where you want to be. By the way, your little guy is so handsome! I'm so excited for you that you have him. I bet he's a barrel of fun! It's been a long time since we chatted on the Sapphires in BLC18-19-20. Are you a Sapphire Soldier now? I really liked that team when I was on it. All the ladies were so friendly and nice. I always liked the your weekly newsletters, you did such a fantastic job on them! Thanks Again for all your hard work you put into the team.


Much success in All Your Weight Loss Endeavors!
You're doing Fantastic! Keep Up the Great Work!
Hugs,
Sharla

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SUSANELAINE1956 8/4/2013 11:35PM

    What a great baby picture! He looks so happy and healthy.

Those ladies aren't complaining, they are boasting. I wish I could send you a picture of what I looked like after pregnancy. You'd feel ecstatic about your progress. The important thing is you are here and taking care of yourself. It takes a long time to figure out what works for you, or at least it did for me. Good luck.

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E11TEENA 8/4/2013 10:37PM

    Thanks, everyone.. I actually do enjoy that group of women. It is mostly laughs and it is great to be able to have them to relate to what we are going through with our babies, since they are the same ages. I wouldn't leave them, it's not their fault I am completely jealous of their bodies! ha! Ugh.... It's not like they have made me feel bad on purpose. It really is my own mental issues I need to work on. I guess my statements about being sick of the women who think they're fat and clearly are not, were more general statements. These girls really are great... It's me that has the issue :(

I am going to look to find a group on Spark in the meantime. Thank you for the suggestion!! And thank you again for the support! You guys are awesome :)

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KICK-SS 8/4/2013 9:48PM

    I agree with the others about leaving the group on FB... That little guy is worth any jiggles and/or wiggles you might have. Embrace it and enjoy your baby.. You're doing wonderfully with your weight - and I think you're being too hard on yourself..


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LALA112 8/4/2013 9:44PM

    I second Becca's comments - feel free to leave that Facebook group that is bumming you out! You don't need that in your life. Also give yourself permission to be patient with yourself. It sounds like you are doing all the things that you need to do - your body will eventually follow suit when it is ready to.

For now, snuggle with that cute little monster and enjoy him!!

~Lauren

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PENNYPEARLS 8/4/2013 9:04PM

    Great picture of your baby. Perhaps it is time to move on from that Facebook group. There may be a spark team for new moms that would instead be encouraging and supportive. emoticon

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BECCAB09 8/4/2013 8:59PM

    Please give yourself permission to immediately LEAVE the FaceBook group that is stressing you out. It is NOT worth it. Wish them well and let them go. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job and as your baby changes your diet can change and you'll be able to eat the foods that work for you. The most important thing to remember about babies is that they change, all the time, and rapidly. Whatever crazy stage he's in is surely just temporary. Good luck and hang in there!

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ANGELFMABV 8/4/2013 8:59PM

    Yea! Good for you for getting it off your chest. You have one handsome young man there. You are doing great, don't let anyone else tell you any different!

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BLC-20 Plan

Monday, September 17, 2012

For the next 12 weeks, well...really ELEVEN at this point, I will continue to take part in the Biggest Loser Challenge, the 20th round. I am a Sparkling Sapphire and love this challenge. Part of our weekly "weekend challenge" for week one, is to blog about our plan for success over the course of the challenge.

Over the course of BLC-20, I really need to focus on my fitness. Participating in each challenge to the best of my ability is my main focus. I am currently on the Atkins program, per doctor's orders. I seem to be doing well with the nutrition, but I am still trying to adjust to my new energy levels. It is a challenge in itself to get myself motivated to exercise. I have been participating in the challenges so far, but I feel as though I am just going through the motions.

At this point, I am putting my foot down... on ME. I am kicking myself out of my current "energy" funk, and am going to do my best to turn this around. Over the next 11 weeks, I plan to continue to follow the Atkins plan, and compete in all given challenges with maximum effort. I am committed to this challenge, and committed to continue to work towards a healthier me. I do believe, that when I AM exercising, I do tend to feel better about myself and have more energy. My options are to either get up early, or workout after work. I am usually starving by the time I get home from work, and don't like to workout if I have just eaten. So, it looks like my best bet for now, is to get up earlier every day to work on myself. I've got the nutrition under control, now it's time to work on the fitness.

GO SAPPHIRES!!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZELLAZM 10/18/2012 6:27AM

    Amazing how many of my SP buddies are doing the BLC challenge. I missed it this time around but am easing back into Sparking after an absence of a couple of months. Good to see you keeping at it!

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MARCIAC10 9/18/2012 3:24AM

    emoticon

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KSCRAP363 9/17/2012 7:48PM

    Good plan! emoticon

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35ANGELS 9/17/2012 6:34PM

    emoticon

GO SAPPHIRES!!!!

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TXTOAD9970 9/17/2012 6:18PM

    It sounds like you are on the right track with your weight loss plan. Keep the spark!

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PCOS

Thursday, August 23, 2012

So, I haven't had a period since last October. My husband and I would like to have a baby(only after I have lost some weight, I want to have the healthiest pregnancy I can), so I went to a fertility specialist to see what was going on with my missing cycle. Come to find out, I have PCOS. After being CONSTANTLY fatigued, depressed, irritable, anxious, and gaining weight at a pretty steady pace, I wanted answers. A diagnosis wasn't good enough for me, I wanted to know what was causing it. I went through a battery of tests and I found out what is causing the PCOS. I am insulin resistant, and the doctor said that I am Pre-Diabetic. WELL, isn't that scary to find out!? Ugh... So he has put me on a strict diet, and wants me to follow Atkins. He says, I have too many sugars in my system, and need to lay off the carbs. Which is somewhat alarming to me in a way, because I don't eat a lot of carbs. Plus, I only eat whole wheat pasta or bread IF I do eat it, although I know that a carb is a carb. I do eat a lot of fruit, so that could be an issue.

Anyway, I started the Induction phase of Atkins on Tuesday, and so far I am doing ok on it. I have told myself that this is not just about losing weight anymore, it is about my health. I don't want to develop diabetes, obviously. The good news is, that it's not my thyroid that is causing the PCOS, and it isn't a problem with my brain. It is simply too much insulin and it is 100% reversible. There are no other issues with my reproductive system, my tubes are perfectly normal and so are the other hormone levels that he could test. So, in a way, it is good news, and I caught it early. I do have some build up on my ovaries, but that is the eggs that aren't releasing, thus causing cysts. But, he also said that over time, they will shrink and I should be back to normal.

SO, here's to beating this diabetes and taking control of my health!!! I am ALL in on this one... and am excited to learn that THIS is the reason I cannot lose, THIS is the reason I am exhausted and depressed constantly and THIS is the reason for the weight gain seemingly out of nowhere. I am happy to finally have some answers, and happy that the doctors were able to give me a reason for my struggles with weight and with my missing cycle. I CAN fix this. And I WILL...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BUTTERFLY0912 8/24/2012 8:58AM

    you will fight this you have such a positive attitude.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALEXSGIRL1 8/23/2012 7:48PM

    you are positive you have a plan you will get a little better every day emoticon

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NIDASZMOM 8/23/2012 6:00PM

    Keep that positive attitude and you can do anything! You have co
Pete support from this Done sister anytime you need it! :) emoticon

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SYZYGY922 8/23/2012 5:34PM

    I was diagnosed with PCOS and Hashimoto's thyroiditis back in 2003. I've been taking Metformin since then and it has helped me a lot. My fasting insulin levels were 51! From what I understand, anything above 5 is not ideal, and anything above 10 indicates insulin resistance. I was gaining lots of weight for no reason, as well. Now my fasting insulin stays around five or six, but I still take a small dose of Metformin. I have a friend with the same conditions, and she was finally able to conceive after being on Metformin for a while.

Good luck to you. I had to have an ovary removed because it got so bad! I still have problems leftover from that. PCOS is awful!

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SALONKITTY 8/23/2012 5:01PM

    It is really good you found this out early on....I didn't find out what was going on with me until I ended up having a HUGE cyst send me to the ER for emergency surgery! I lost an ovary and part of one of my fallopian tubes as well. Like you, I was steadily gaining weight no matter what I did--exercising and diet seemed to make no difference. It was so depressing and I felt like my body was freakish or something. Like I had no metabolism. I just couldn't figure it out, and my doctor never looked into anything because I was continuing to have regular periods. He just suggested I try Weight Watchers. It was really discouraging, to say the least.

I'm eating low carb now (not Atkins, paleo) and really enjoying it. I feel great, weight is steadily coming off, I have energy, my moods are great...plus a whole lot of other little annoying issues have cleared up. Dry, cracked heels...a problem I had with a ligament in my hip/femur (TFL) is gone...arthritis has vanished, too. So great!

I think the induction phase of Atkins sounds tough, but after that things seem to improve greatly.

Best wishes to you...you can do this! emoticon

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E11TEENA 8/23/2012 5:00PM

    Thank you!!! I know that with my current health condition, if I were to become pregnant, I am at risk for gestational diabetes as well as preeclampsia which could be harmful to me and a baby. I won't put myself or an unborn child at risk. Good luck to you on your journey!

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U8ANGEL 8/23/2012 4:55PM

  I also want to have a baby in the next few years. But my boyfriend and I both have weight issues. I'm losing weight for my health of course but I also want to be able to have a safe pregnancy. This site is so helpful in my weight loss journey. Reading these blogs is really inspirational. I hope everything works out for you and you can be the person you want to be and the mom you want to be. emoticon

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Monsters

Sunday, August 19, 2012

I am so irritated, and it involves my step kids and their biological mother. I am so tired of being the "bigger" person... So, I need to vent my frustrations to avoid doing or saying something stupid. There really isn't another place to say anything, as my kids are on my Facebook and Twitter, and I refuse to wrap them up in drama. So, anyway..

My two (step) boys live with my husband and I full time. I have raised them as my own and have had them in my care for almost ten years. My husbands ex walked out on the boys when they were 3 and 5 years old, and have been basically non-existent in their lives for the most part. It truly baffles me that she could walk out on two such beautiful babies. She only sees them on holidays and birthdays and basically occasions that she "has" to see them. There is no set schedule as to when she sees them or not, she just takes them when she feels like it. It is pretty crappy for the kids, and going into this relationship, I never intended on being their mother. I went into this thinking, I will just be their friend, and I won't force any sort of parent-like relationship with them. They will turn to me if necessary. Well, about three years into my husband and I dating, they did just that. They latched onto me as their "mother" and I happily filled that role for them. I do it without regrets and with unconditional love. They are my boys. I don't even refer to them as my step children anymore, only as my sons.

My youngest turned 13 yesterday. We had a great day celebrating with him. I bought a small helium tank and filled about 40 balloons to place in his bedroom for him to wake up to. 13 is a special birthday! He loved waking up to a room full of balloons and thought it was a really cool surprise. We had a great afternoon playing outside, his favorite dinner of tacos, and then off to the local ice cream farm for some mini golf fun, driving range, batting cages, arcade and ice cream. What a great day!

Well, in the middle of the day, it came to my attention that their biological mother, has begun referring to me as "monster".. as in, "Step Monster"... Not that I care what she says about me, because I don't, I really hate the way that she constantly tries to turn my boys against me. I have been raising her kids, and taken them in as if they were my own, and yet she still tries to bad mouth me and teach them that I am the enemy. I have been arguing a lot with my oldest, who is 15 going on 45, (haha), and it is typical parent/teenager head butting. I am sure that she knows that we butt heads on things, and has now started referring to me as a monster. I hate how she puts my boys in this position. It is not fair to them. They are in between a rock and a hard place and I am sure that it is messing with their heads. To me, that is purely emotional abuse. They don't need this. My husband has told her to cut it out, but no matter what, she always ends up starting drama with me again. I never say a bad word about her to the boys, even though in the heat of the moment, I desperately want to. But, I am always trying to be the bigger person. No matter my feelings, shes hurting them. Causing them confusion and they don't need this stress. Her raging jealousy over their love and respect for me as their mother, has really turned HER into a monster. Not me.

Part of me knows deep down that my boys Do love me. Do respect me. Do see how I have done everything I can to keep them happy and good kids. Their grades in school have turned from straight C's to mostly A's with an occasional B. Their maternal grandparents have both individually thanked me for turning the kids around and have both noticed a major change in their behavior, and overall attitude towards life. Which is certainly moving, seeing that their daughter is the kids biological mother. People around me praise me all the time for being a wonderful mother to them, and for raising them with such unconditional love. My parents have told me how proud they are of me, and my entire family has accepted the boys and embraced them as their own. It truly is wonderful.

The other part of me is living in fear of the day that they really do turn against me. That she will have succeeded in convincing the kids that I truly am just a "monster" and the enemy. I know that being their biological mother, that she does have some sort of influence on their thoughts and emotions. They will always listen to her on some level. And that hurts. It hurts that I have been a mother to these two wonderful children that she chose to walk out on all those years ago. I have taken them under my wing as my own, and yet she could, at any moment, rip that all away from me. I love them so very much and still feel as though she may succeed in her mission to make me out as the "monster".

Today, the day after my youngest's 13th birthday, their biological mother was supposed to take them for the afternoon to celebrate his birthday. She picked them up, unwrapped presents in the car, with her "new" boyfriend, took them to a restaurant down the street and returned an hour later. An HOUR. An hour with her son that she gave birth to 13 years ago.

And I'm the "monster"...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKLINGHOPE 8/20/2012 4:58PM

    The boys see the truth. emoticon

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GOPINTOS 8/19/2012 7:58PM

    Kids know what is what.... and who is who.... and who is what emoticon

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Smile and Enjoy the Rest of Your Day!
Melinda (gopintos)
Dr Oz Show Fans Team

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SHORTTOOTH1 8/19/2012 5:25PM

    I agree with all that's been said and grew up in a similar situation. Trust me, they will see who's there for them if not now then later. Although you may not be thinking this way, the absentee parent who sees them as an obligation will make certain choices once they are 18 an no longer an obligation. Although there may be some hard times before then when those kids start longing for a relationship with her. You can make it!

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DLDMIL 8/19/2012 4:55PM

    I know you are struggling right now and thank you for ranting here at Spark People, where the boys can't read the blog. Teenage years are very difficult even with biological children. My two sons and I had some very difficult years during that time, and Thank God that after being away from my house for several years, we have a much better relationship and they truly understand the hardships of being a single parent raising children and working 2 jobs to support them on my own with no support from their other parent. Don't underestimate what your boys understand, they do know exactly who has been their mother all these years. Stay strong and vent here when you need to. emoticon

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PICKIE98 8/19/2012 4:54PM

    You are the bigger person, BUt kids know that,, you also know that the best thing you can do is never bad mouth her,, you do not.. These kids are old enough to be told that sometimes people make choices for selfish reaosn, then later tehy still want it all, not thinking of how their actions are hurting others, how it touches a LOT of hearts and minds. Pointing out that thousands of people do this in different ways, she will not be bad-mouthed in their face!!
They also have the right to tell her how they feel, whether they want to be with her,and how it makes them feel whn she puts them last.

These kids are very smart,, they know EXACTLY what their "donor mother is really like.

Kee doing what you are doing, pray hard and love them as you already do..

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Roasted Brussel Sprouts recipe.. Yummy!!

Monday, May 21, 2012

I tried this recipe tonight, and it was soo good!! I added Pine Nuts to it also. My kids loved them! I never thought I would get my kids to eat Brussel Sprouts!

simplyrecipes.com/recipes/roasted_br
ussels_sprouts/

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZELLAZM 5/27/2012 12:23PM

    Thanks for the tip. Sounds simple! I love brussels sprouts already so adding garlic and salt can only make them better. I like to steam them myself, then marinate the leftovers in balsamic vinegar and a little olive oil and dust with parmesan for a next day salad.

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GOPINTOS 5/22/2012 9:32PM

    Thanks for sharing!! I don't think I have every tried them but I hear good things about them!

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Smile and Enjoy the Rest of Your Day!
Melinda (gopintos)
Dr Oz Show Fans Team

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