Sunday, August 04, 2013
I'm seriously trying NOT to be down on myself. But sometimes I just can't help it.
I am part of a group on Facebook, that is all women who were due to give birth around the same time as me. All of our babies were born April, May, June... Our due dates were all in May. Some of these women are really making me feel bad about myself. They keep posting pictures of themselves in bikinis complaining about how "fat" they look, or how jiggly their bellies are when they have a six pack. It's very frustrating for me. I felt AWESOME about my pregnancy. I gained under ten pounds total, and after my baby was born, I dropped THIRTY in the first three weeks. I ate the healthiest I have ever eaten in my life, and technically lost weight while I was pregnant. I ended my pregnancy lighter than when I started. I haven't been able to get much off since. I do as much as I can, but it's been hard with eating a normal balanced diet. I have to eat a higher carb diet than I want to, because most freggies make baby gassy through my breast milk. AND, not to mention, I am breast feeding/pumping and am burning calories like crazy. It SHOULD be coming off. Just 15 minutes of pumping, burns about 200 calories for me. Because I cannot eat the way that I would normally, I am not dropping the weight like I should. It is extremely frustrating. I have been bouncing up and down between the same five pounds and on the cusp of breaking into "ONEderland"... I am so close I can taste it. I am just not getting there and I am afraid that I am going to get frustrated and revert back to my old ways and put it all back on. That's the last thing I want. I want to be healthy for my son, and set a good example for him. It is SO important to me to be able to run around and play and enjoy my baby without feeling disgusting and hating myself. And I hate my body. I don't want to feel this way and I am scared if I don't get these pounds off, and soon, I am going to give up. I am fully aware that it takes time and patience, and I 100% get that. It just stinks putting in so much effort to not get anything in return.
I just started slowly adding more freggies into my diet. I *think* he is coming out of the gassy phase and his body is starting to handle these things easier. I have been able to incorporate nectarines, grapes, cucumbers and avocados with no issues yet. I had only been able to eat potatoes, bananas, apples and lettuce basically. I am hoping I will be able to continue to add more of these things without causing him any discomfort. It will help me a lot. I ate some watermelon today. Let's see how he does with that..
Anyway, I am just so sick of the women who want to complain how fat they are when they really aren't. And I am sick of feeling bad about myself. I felt good about myself, being down so much after baby and it's just been shot down after seeing these other women looking fantastic. For me, I DO look better than I did before I got pregnant. I joke about the "pregnancy diet" and how pregnancy agreed with my body... But, it still hurts deep down that I am as big as I am and have been fighting this for years. YEARS of dancing around 200 pounds, give or take 10. I've had enough. And I truly AM trying. It's just not working and I am getting frustrated.
I really hate this.
Ok, rant over... And I will keep on fighting... This amazing little boy gives me reason to continue on this journey.
Monday, September 17, 2012
For the next 12 weeks, well...really ELEVEN at this point, I will continue to take part in the Biggest Loser Challenge, the 20th round. I am a Sparkling Sapphire and love this challenge. Part of our weekly "weekend challenge" for week one, is to blog about our plan for success over the course of the challenge.
Over the course of BLC-20, I really need to focus on my fitness. Participating in each challenge to the best of my ability is my main focus. I am currently on the Atkins program, per doctor's orders. I seem to be doing well with the nutrition, but I am still trying to adjust to my new energy levels. It is a challenge in itself to get myself motivated to exercise. I have been participating in the challenges so far, but I feel as though I am just going through the motions.
At this point, I am putting my foot down... on ME. I am kicking myself out of my current "energy" funk, and am going to do my best to turn this around. Over the next 11 weeks, I plan to continue to follow the Atkins plan, and compete in all given challenges with maximum effort. I am committed to this challenge, and committed to continue to work towards a healthier me. I do believe, that when I AM exercising, I do tend to feel better about myself and have more energy. My options are to either get up early, or workout after work. I am usually starving by the time I get home from work, and don't like to workout if I have just eaten. So, it looks like my best bet for now, is to get up earlier every day to work on myself. I've got the nutrition under control, now it's time to work on the fitness.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
So, I haven't had a period since last October. My husband and I would like to have a baby(only after I have lost some weight, I want to have the healthiest pregnancy I can), so I went to a fertility specialist to see what was going on with my missing cycle. Come to find out, I have PCOS. After being CONSTANTLY fatigued, depressed, irritable, anxious, and gaining weight at a pretty steady pace, I wanted answers. A diagnosis wasn't good enough for me, I wanted to know what was causing it. I went through a battery of tests and I found out what is causing the PCOS. I am insulin resistant, and the doctor said that I am Pre-Diabetic. WELL, isn't that scary to find out!? Ugh... So he has put me on a strict diet, and wants me to follow Atkins. He says, I have too many sugars in my system, and need to lay off the carbs. Which is somewhat alarming to me in a way, because I don't eat a lot of carbs. Plus, I only eat whole wheat pasta or bread IF I do eat it, although I know that a carb is a carb. I do eat a lot of fruit, so that could be an issue.
Anyway, I started the Induction phase of Atkins on Tuesday, and so far I am doing ok on it. I have told myself that this is not just about losing weight anymore, it is about my health. I don't want to develop diabetes, obviously. The good news is, that it's not my thyroid that is causing the PCOS, and it isn't a problem with my brain. It is simply too much insulin and it is 100% reversible. There are no other issues with my reproductive system, my tubes are perfectly normal and so are the other hormone levels that he could test. So, in a way, it is good news, and I caught it early. I do have some build up on my ovaries, but that is the eggs that aren't releasing, thus causing cysts. But, he also said that over time, they will shrink and I should be back to normal.
SO, here's to beating this diabetes and taking control of my health!!! I am ALL in on this one... and am excited to learn that THIS is the reason I cannot lose, THIS is the reason I am exhausted and depressed constantly and THIS is the reason for the weight gain seemingly out of nowhere. I am happy to finally have some answers, and happy that the doctors were able to give me a reason for my struggles with weight and with my missing cycle. I CAN fix this. And I WILL...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
I am so irritated, and it involves my step kids and their biological mother. I am so tired of being the "bigger" person... So, I need to vent my frustrations to avoid doing or saying something stupid. There really isn't another place to say anything, as my kids are on my Facebook and Twitter, and I refuse to wrap them up in drama. So, anyway..
My two (step) boys live with my husband and I full time. I have raised them as my own and have had them in my care for almost ten years. My husbands ex walked out on the boys when they were 3 and 5 years old, and have been basically non-existent in their lives for the most part. It truly baffles me that she could walk out on two such beautiful babies. She only sees them on holidays and birthdays and basically occasions that she "has" to see them. There is no set schedule as to when she sees them or not, she just takes them when she feels like it. It is pretty crappy for the kids, and going into this relationship, I never intended on being their mother. I went into this thinking, I will just be their friend, and I won't force any sort of parent-like relationship with them. They will turn to me if necessary. Well, about three years into my husband and I dating, they did just that. They latched onto me as their "mother" and I happily filled that role for them. I do it without regrets and with unconditional love. They are my boys. I don't even refer to them as my step children anymore, only as my sons.
My youngest turned 13 yesterday. We had a great day celebrating with him. I bought a small helium tank and filled about 40 balloons to place in his bedroom for him to wake up to. 13 is a special birthday! He loved waking up to a room full of balloons and thought it was a really cool surprise. We had a great afternoon playing outside, his favorite dinner of tacos, and then off to the local ice cream farm for some mini golf fun, driving range, batting cages, arcade and ice cream. What a great day!
Well, in the middle of the day, it came to my attention that their biological mother, has begun referring to me as "monster".. as in, "Step Monster"... Not that I care what she says about me, because I don't, I really hate the way that she constantly tries to turn my boys against me. I have been raising her kids, and taken them in as if they were my own, and yet she still tries to bad mouth me and teach them that I am the enemy. I have been arguing a lot with my oldest, who is 15 going on 45, (haha), and it is typical parent/teenager head butting. I am sure that she knows that we butt heads on things, and has now started referring to me as a monster. I hate how she puts my boys in this position. It is not fair to them. They are in between a rock and a hard place and I am sure that it is messing with their heads. To me, that is purely emotional abuse. They don't need this. My husband has told her to cut it out, but no matter what, she always ends up starting drama with me again. I never say a bad word about her to the boys, even though in the heat of the moment, I desperately want to. But, I am always trying to be the bigger person. No matter my feelings, shes hurting them. Causing them confusion and they don't need this stress. Her raging jealousy over their love and respect for me as their mother, has really turned HER into a monster. Not me.
Part of me knows deep down that my boys Do love me. Do respect me. Do see how I have done everything I can to keep them happy and good kids. Their grades in school have turned from straight C's to mostly A's with an occasional B. Their maternal grandparents have both individually thanked me for turning the kids around and have both noticed a major change in their behavior, and overall attitude towards life. Which is certainly moving, seeing that their daughter is the kids biological mother. People around me praise me all the time for being a wonderful mother to them, and for raising them with such unconditional love. My parents have told me how proud they are of me, and my entire family has accepted the boys and embraced them as their own. It truly is wonderful.
The other part of me is living in fear of the day that they really do turn against me. That she will have succeeded in convincing the kids that I truly am just a "monster" and the enemy. I know that being their biological mother, that she does have some sort of influence on their thoughts and emotions. They will always listen to her on some level. And that hurts. It hurts that I have been a mother to these two wonderful children that she chose to walk out on all those years ago. I have taken them under my wing as my own, and yet she could, at any moment, rip that all away from me. I love them so very much and still feel as though she may succeed in her mission to make me out as the "monster".
Today, the day after my youngest's 13th birthday, their biological mother was supposed to take them for the afternoon to celebrate his birthday. She picked them up, unwrapped presents in the car, with her "new" boyfriend, took them to a restaurant down the street and returned an hour later. An HOUR. An hour with her son that she gave birth to 13 years ago.
And I'm the "monster"...
Monday, May 21, 2012
I tried this recipe tonight, and it was soo good!! I added Pine Nuts to it also. My kids loved them! I never thought I would get my kids to eat Brussel Sprouts!
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