DYINGTOLOSE1's Recent Blog Entries

OMG!!! or..what the heck is wrong here?

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Okay, I have been away from here, like............FOREVER.
I have managed to somewhat maintain the bit of weight I'd lost.
I have joined Weight Watchers.
I haven't QUIT Weight Watchers though I have REALLY wanted to QUIT.
I am going to see a shrink tomorrow to see if he can help me with this. We are going to work on EMDR (a therapy that was very effective in helping me with PTSD when my son died) It was suggested to me by Coach Dean sometime back in helping me to deal with ISSUES I have with my food addiction.
I wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I HATE being this fat. Went to Cato's today with my daughter, tried on one cute blouse, 18/20. it zipped up, but I look 11 months pregnant. I hate how I look. I HATE how I feel... so what is holding me back? What is it in my sick little brain that keeps me running to binge, night after night???
I used to be a drug addict. I beat addiction. I started getting high when I was 14 (My BABIES have been 14..they are BABIES,,,,sometimes I think, my gosh, I was a BABY ADDICT!) ...life sucked back then. Life was hell. I was stuck at home from the time I was 11 with my mentally, physically and most of all EMOTIONALLY abusive Dad cause Mom ran away by working 2nd shift. Nice for her, hell for the little girl she left behind. By the time I was 13 I was full time care giver 5 nights a week for my 90 year Alzheimer's inflicted Great grandmother. WHY? Because my parents were such fine people that they'd NEVER put her in a home, THEY cared for her. Yeah right. I was stuck there with her in this hellatious prison they call Alzheimer's all week long. From the time I got off the school bus until 1 am when my Dad would finally return home, before Mom got in.
Eleven....that is around the time I began BINGE eating. By the time I was 13 I'd learned this nifty little trick of ramming my finger down my throat to get rid of the excess so I could eat more. Then I found drugs... wonderful drugs. I didn't need food anymore. I could get high to escape........and escape I did. I spent the next 12 years of my life escaping. I LOVED getting high. I LOVED escaping. I LOVED not feeling the day to day pain and fear that I'd known my entire life.
When I was 4 I would practice walking on the old plank floor when my Father wasn't home so I could learn to go through the entire house without making a single plank creak. I practiced for hours because of FEAR of him, all encompassing, immobilizing FEAR. I got it down. I learned to make it though the house without making a sound, like a little mouse, but even better...I WAS INVISIBLE AT LAST.
No one hurts me now because no one sees me.............is that what it's come to?
Am I so afraid of living that I survive in this shell I have made for myself of blubber?
When I stopped doing drugs, I gained over 100 pounds and have never been under 200 since.
My daughter is beautiful. I walk 2 steps behind her to see if THEY look at her and then I shoot THEM the evil looks that say, "I will kill you if you hurt HER. I can't let them hurt her the way I was hurt. We talk about my obsession. She smiles at me and says, "I understand Mom."
I never had a protector so I have gone so far to the other extreme that it's crazy. My kids and I talked about this a while back. They tell me I was way too overprotective. I agree. I work on letting go. I have always allowed them to make their own minds up, allowed them to HAVE a mind to make up. But if anyone messes with my kids, I go clinically insane, then I stop, take a breath, pray and lock myself up until sanity returns, yet they just smile and give me a hug & say, "I know Mom, I understand." What a lunatic they've had to live with, yet they are absolutely THE MOST WONDERFUL PEOPLE I'VE EVER KNOWN. My kids are great.
My Mother is getting older. She is starting to show signs of Alzheimer's now. She is pitiful and I love her...but sometimes I feel such anger inside because she NEVER protected me. She was so busy running from reality that she left a little girl behind to pay the price.
Now that little girl is still hiding from the world. She wants to step out into the sun and be the woman she knows she is somewhere inside, but she doesn't know how to escape Mount Obesity. Food has been my protector for so long that when I try to find my way to reason, time and time again I find myself running back to my place of familiarity, my island of refuge... an island I long to be rescued from.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PUTTITAT 4/9/2009 10:31AM

    Welcome back to SP--We are here for you when you need us--give us a hollar when you need us--blogging is a great way to hollar for help...

WOW! I hope you find peace amidst the "mess" that has been your life. Allow the words of the therapist to absorb into your soul and touch your heart. I pray that you will find the peace in the middle of the strom, through Christ. I don't want to sound preachy, but that is where I find strength, when things look bad. My life is a rainbow compared to some of the things you have gone thru--this helps me put things into perspective as I go through the bumps of life--you have gone through an earthquake. I'm glad you have found some solace in your husband...

Comment edited on: 4/9/2009 10:44:23 AM

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SATURNSWONDER 4/9/2009 12:04AM

    I'm sorry that you were so afraid to be seen that you had to hide. I know how that feels. When I'm fat no one notices me except my wonderful husband. When I was thinner I used to worry that I'd be accosted by some jerk with only one thing on his mind. You see, I was sexually assaulted by a college beau and haven't been quite the same since. emoticonTherapy was minimally helpful. I personally reccomend caring friends, yoga, and a heck of a lot of meditation. I also do this silly mantra in front of the mirror of a morning (learned in therapy) in which I say, "You are beautiful, strong, independent, and worthy. Today go show the rest of them who you are." It sounds silly, I know. But somehow it works a little more each day and makes me feel less the tubby tabby and more the phat cat. emoticon LOL. Good luck and if you need anything, let me know. Oh, I'm a member of your EE team, by the way. emoticon

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RENA1965 4/8/2009 11:50PM

    Hi Dyingtolose1,
I tried therapy and it helps, hope it does some positive for you too.. Many times eating is a sign something else is wrong and you have alot of scars on your soul from lifes hurts.. Hang in there and keep a open mind what the shrink says.. Some things may hit sensitive points but sometimes stuff has to pour out before healing can happen.. hugs Rena

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Crazy or Lazy?

Monday, February 02, 2009

Last week I stuck to my plan perfectly. I didn't go over my calories at all. Sunday we were invited to a Superbowl party and it happened. I ate chicken wings (only 4), salad, then the potato salad came in (German Potato Salad) soooo good. I had to have some of that. Then the coconut rum. I had a couple drinks. THEN THE CHEESECAKE!!! ARGH!!! I got on the scales this morning. Down from 250 to 248.6. I probably gained back 4 pounds from the party, but at least I still lost a bit of weight this week.
I was kind of okay with it this time, considering Superbowl is only once a year,... or so I thought. I thought, I'll pump up the exercise this week. I went for a walk for 1.5 hrs. Then I start wolfing down sunflower seeds. I haven't drunk my water today and I haven't keep up with calories.
Am I crazy or just really lazy???
I'm glad I am at least checking in here but I am so stinking angry with myself right now. What is so hard about just doing this thing RIGHT in the first place? I really don't understand why it seems to be easier for some to just set their minds to this and do it and why some have such a struggle. I'd like it to be just a little easier.
I think I'll go have a BIG glass of water.... or 4.
Please, if anyone has some insight, I'd LOVE to hear it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSIEMT 2/3/2009 12:44AM

    Penny, I wish I could say it is easy for me but it is not. I live with my diet/exercise buddy. My sister Becky and I both are working on this together. If you saw us you would think we were twins. At least in the beginning I think. We pretty much plan what we are going to be eating for the week before I go do the grocery shopping. Believe me it is always something that we enjoy eating. It has to be delicious and filling at the same time. That is one of our priorities. When we first started SP the big thing for us was that we didn't want to be hungry. Before the only diets we were on were starvation diets. That is basically all we knew. So we were really jazzed that we were able to find some good nutritious recipes that we loved.

It is so funny that you said that about being easy for me because I say that about Becky all the time. She will tell me the same thing I told you. It is not easy! I can't tell you how many times I have eaten mindlessly but I seem to catch it before I go over my calorie limit. But there are days that go by and I am not bothered by anything.

For the Superbowl..we planned on trying out a new pizza recipe from the Biggest loser cookbook. It was Hula pizza. We had a big salad before and then I brought out Beck's Pizza and mine. It was on a whole wheat tortilla. But we didn't go to a party either. We were home with Beck's husband Tom who ate sloppy joes. He did look forward to them also.

I would like to suggest that you stop by my team. I know you are not as heavy as I was but these people are so supportive and encouraging. It is Team 300 lbs. Plus.

I think the key here is to have someone as your diet and exercise buddy. Someone that will hold you accountable. Someone that will kick you in the butt when you need it.

I hope this helps hon. Susie

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LSTRAIT2000 2/2/2009 8:16PM

  Must be the Monday for this. I believe that when we force ourselves so hard then have a "relapse" we have been trained that we are just lazy. Not so sure I agree with that. I lost only a 1/2 pound this week - I was so depressed this morning I could have cried. I then started giving myself my daily pep talk and realized, OK, so it wasn't what I was used to, BUT at least I lost something. Depending on where you come from in your life, depends a lot on how you handle these little set backs - in my previous life (married to an alcoholic), I would have just quit and said F it. Now, that I am away and realize I AM WORTH IT, I took it and decided this week I would try a little harder - but at least I'm still moving - and so are you. Just keep the faith and push ahead. You aren't lazy - your human!!! Have a great week!!

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MARILYN150 2/2/2009 5:15PM

    Penny, I would love to know how other people are able to stay with their diets. Just be thankful that Super Bowl Sunday is over. Start now getting ready for Valentine's Day so you will be strong for that!

I'm starting over (again) today and so far, so good. but in a few minutes, I'm going to be going home and it will be harder to finish the day well. Sometimes it's one day at a time, sometimes it's one minute at a time. Just keep your eye on the prize and remember how good you feel both physically and mentally when you stay on your diet.

We're never alone on this site! There is so much encouragement in the posts. Use that encouragement to make you stronger.


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25 quick things about me

Saturday, January 31, 2009

I saw this somewhere else & thought I'd try it. Here goes;

Things about me you might not have known:

1. Think being in "like" is much more important than being in love
2. Love to sing out at the top of my voice
3. Imagine that I sing quite well though others don't agree
4. Love the smell of vanilla flavor on my wrist
5. Am allergic to perfume
6. Like to hike in the woods
7. Tend to obsess over what I imagine others are thinking
8. Can speak fluent Pig Latin
9. Often have dreams that I can fly
10. Am privileged to be one of Jehovah's Witnesses
11. Love rocks and would like to study archeology
12. Thinks yard sales are the greatest things ever
13. Husband is my very best friend LOVE him so much!
14. Truly believe my children are the most wonderful people on the planet
15. Would give my life for a friend
16. Want to learn to crochet
17. Had a bad experience and will never fly again in a plane
18. Can pinch hard with my toes & pick up dimes
19. Owns 2 dogs, a cat, 2 birds and fish
20. Loves road trips
21. Thinks popcorn should be it's own food group
22. Has ADHD
23. Sometimes see things as patterns (like in Beautiful Mind)
24. Wants a candy apple red 67 mustang convertible w/white leather interior
25. Am a nail biter (nasty habit

This WAS harder than I thought it'd be!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STARPEACE 2/1/2009 9:55AM

    I loved this blog. emoticon

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MCHOPPER 1/31/2009 4:15PM

    Great list. I am doing this for my blog today too. Thanks. Lori

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Wisdom from Coach Dean 12/17/08

Saturday, January 31, 2009

I wrote to Coach Dean a while back & was reviewing his answer tonight. I thought it was so good I just wanted to share his input here.
Hi Coach Dean,
Okay, this is probably a weird question but here goes. I have seen on some people's pages that a goal is to be whistled at, looked at, etc. by the opposite sex. That is an okay goal, nothing wrong with that, it's NORMAL. My ? is, how do I stop living in fear of that happening. I used to weigh almost 300 lbs. I got serious b4 and lost down to 225. When I got there, men,... well, actually ONE man noticed me. I was at Walmart and he was giving me THE LOOK, you know? Like, he noticed me not as a cow, but as an attractive woman. I freaked. After leaving Wallyworld I stopped at McD's and got the biggest McFlurry they make. I gained back up to my current almost 260 (lost 3 pounds this week, yea!)
I know I can do this,... lose the weight. I am starting to really believe in myself but already I am starting to WORRY, WORRY, WORRY about what will happen 40 lbs from now. I already talked to my WONDERFUL husband and explained, asked him not to look at me differently.
How do people deal with this NUMBING FEAR of being viewed as a THING or possession rather than a person. The thought of that is seriously making me physically ill. And yes, I was abused as a child. I'd really appreciate your input.

I don't think that's a weird question at all. It's really common for people who've been abused to use weight as a "shield"--I've done that myself. I think there are lots of things that can happen when you have that kind of abusive experience when you're young. One is that you end up believing that the abuser is "normal" and that it's something about you that caused the abuse to happen. By the time you get older that may translate into believing that all men will use you the way the abuser did, because that's just how men are--they can't control themselves around women. Being more attractive means men will notice you more, and that means they'll try to use you to gratify their own need the way the abuser did, while being overweight protects you from that, to a certain extent.

Or maybe you somehow got the idea that you wanted or enjoyed that sexual attention, and that's why the abuse happened. Later, any sexual feelings or desires, or feelings associated with looking good, may bring up all the guilt and shame associated with the old abuse--and losing weight makes you feel more sexy, so you go back to being overweight when that starts happening.

Often, too, these old feelings and beliefs get triggered by things like certain smells, sounds, looks, or other sensory things that unconsciously remind you of the abuser. I still can't tolerate the smell of bourbon om someone's breath without having flashbacks. It sounds like you have a similar problem with getting a certain kind of look from men.

Basically, to get past these kinds of problems, you have to "unlearn" what you learned as a child. You can do a little bit of that intellectually, by trying to uncover the specific assumptions you made when you were young and then looking at them from your adult perspective. You know now that many men don't lose control or try to use women as sexual objects--your husband, for example. And you know that you didn't really cause or want the abuse to happen, and have nothing to feel guilty about. Not every "look" from a man means the same thing it did from your abuser.

But that's usually not enough to completely undo the problem. You also need to "decondition" that trigger, so it doesn't continue to send you back to how you felt as a child. There are some pretty effective forms of brief therapy that might help you do that without having to spend months or years in therapy. One is called EMDR:


If you have trouble "talking" yourself out of this problem, I'd suggest trying to contact a therapist who's experienced with EMDR, and see if that helps.

Hope this helps.

Coach Dean

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

--KREN 12/4/2011 7:59AM

    HOW do I contact Coach Dean if I want to write to him? Thank you! Karen

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SUSIEMT 2/1/2009 11:51AM

    Thank you so much for sharing Coach Deans' reply. I received that "look" myself about 7 years ago and it did send me into therapy. It scared me so much I think I cried for 3 or 4 days about it and couldn't wait to get to a therapist fast enough to find out what the heck was wrong with me. It turned out to be a good experience b/c I learned more about me.

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No Quick Fixes

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I am the Queen of fad dieting. I have binged, I have purged, I have starved, I have exercised. I have taken phen-phen, I have fasted for weeks at the time, I have gone on no-carb and low-carb diets, I've done the cabbage soup diet, the all fruit diet, the dieter tea diet, on and on, I've done them all.
A doctor once asked me if I'd ever lost a significant amount of weight, to which I replied, "More than 1,000 pounds I'm sure." This was almost 20 years and many, many, MANY pounds ago. I dieted my way up to around 300 pounds. I'm not sure of my actual weight back then, but I was wearing a size 28 and had to hike my foot up on a chair to tie my shoes, with difficulty. I now weigh 250 pounds.
When I joined Spark People this most recent time, a couple of months ago, I was viewing it as another "Quick Fix" plan. I saw the before and after pictures of people on here and I just knew this time, this would be it. This time, this "plan" would change me.
I initially lost a bit of weight, trying to work the system MY way. Well, my way doesn't work. I am 47 years old and it hasn't worked yet and I finally realize that it isn't going to work, EVER. I am not going to wake up day after tomorrow and be a size 6. I might never be a size 6 again, but that is okay. I will be the best me I can be.
I am learning that we all have the ability to make choices. Some days I will make the wrong choice but that is okay. If I am patient with myself & look for the small successes, give myself the needed "atta girl," then eventually I will succeed in a big way. I must learn to truly love myself by practicing control and empowering myself with my new found freedom from food.
Food has been my friend for a lifetime. Food was my Mother, my lover, my Father, my tranquilizer, my confidant, and my worst enemy. As with any loss I have been grieving the loss of this constant companion of mine that I am choosing to leave behind.
This friend, like so many others in my life, was not a friend at all, but an opportunist that has enslaved me for long enough. Today it stops! Today I am a whole person who does not need this twisted relationship any longer. I am sick and tired of allowing my wonderful body to be abused by this false friend! I deserve so much more than I have allowed myself to have.
I am a capable artist who rarely paints. I don't sell my work for fear of rejection. I am a runner who can not run for the physical pain and weight I am carrying. I am a wife that lives in fear of when I will be abandoned, yet again. I have few close friends because of this same fear. I hold my heart captive behind walls of stone that have been formed from butter, sugar and layer upon layer of dough blended with every imaginable ingredient. I have hidden for so long that I rarely see myself clearly when I gaze in the mirror.
But for today, I know this; I am here. I have succeeded for 4 days. In these past 4 days I have stuck to a plan of controlled caloric intake along with increased water consumption and some exercise. I have not wilted away, I have not starved and I am still alive. I know it is within my grasp to succeed.
I am determined in a way I have never known before. I may forget again but I will come back. I know others now who will remind me if I get lost again.
Show me the path back to this place of light. I am so tired of living in this darkness that I've hidden in for so long. I am ready to be who I can be. I'm not sure yet if I will be all the things I have hoped, but I am so very, very ready to try.
The choice is mine. Today I choose to begin living.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSIEMT 1/31/2009 12:03AM

    Good Choice!

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DPHOENIX83 1/30/2009 11:27AM

    This was a fantastic blog. I really have no more to say, because you said it all so well!

Keep it up DONE GIRL!

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MCHOPPER 1/29/2009 9:32PM

    There are no quick fixes. This is a life style change. I have come to the same conclusions. I think we are on the right track. Lori

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