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PERFECTION

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


YESTERDAY'S POST STARTED ME THINKING ABOUT PERFECTION. AMY ADDED STEAM TO THAT FIRE BY GIVING ME MORE TO THINK ABOUT. FIRST OFF, I DON'T EXPECT PERFECTION IN ANYONE ELSE, JUST IN MYSELF. WHEN MY HUSBAND DOES THE DISHES, HOWEVER THEY COME OUT, I HAVE LEARNED TO LET IT GO, NOT SAY ANYTHING AND NOT DO THEM OVER. ONLY IF THEY ARE REAL, REAL BAD DO I NICELY MENTION IT AND THEN WHATEVER HE DOES, I ACCEPT. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW HARD THIS WAS FOR ME TO DO. WHEN HE HELPS ME FOLD THE CLOTHES, I DO NOT REFOLD THEM TO FIT IN THE CABINET OR SHAKE OUT THE WRINKLES, I JUST JAM THEM IN AND LET IT GO. I HAD TO LEARN ALL THIS IN THE LAST 5 YEARS SINCE HE RETIRED. BEFORE I DIDN'T HAVE THE HELP SO IT WAS EITHER DO IT MYSELF OR ACCEPT THE HELP AND HOW IT IS, IT IS. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE MY WAY OF DOING IT, HONED OVER THE LAST 40 YEARS, DOESN'T MEAN IT IS RIGHT OR THE ONLY WAY OF DOING THINGS.

SO THIS LEADS TO THE PERFECTION I REQUIRE OF MYSELF. WHY, A LOT OF WHAT AMY'S LETTER SAID IS TRUE. I AM ALWAYS LOOKING FOR APPROVAL BUT, AND THIS IS A BIG BUT, I AM BOMBARDED BY SIGNALS THAT REQUIRE THIS. MY DOCTOR IS THE NUMBER ONE PERSON IN MY LIFE THAT IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR MORE FROM ME. I HAVE TO FIT IN THAT COOKIE CUTTER MOLD SO MY NUMBERS ARE WHAT THEY SHOULD BE. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME UNLESS I AM PERFECT, THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SHOULD BE. EVEN WHEN WATCHING TV, THE COMMERCIALS, THE NEWS, EVEN DIFFERENT SHOWS, ALL SHOWER ME WITH WARNINGS THAT I BETTER WATCH OUT, BE CAREFUL, DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO OR SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. THEN THERE IS THE CONSTANT PRESSURE FROM OTHER PEOPLE, EXTENDED FAMILY AND EVEN STRANGERS. WHICH GETS ME THINKING THAT THEY ALL CAN'T BE WRONG AND IT IS I INSTEAD WHO ARE AT FAULT FOR MY SITUATION OF BEING OVERWEIGHT. THE ONLY WAY I CAN CORRECT THIS IS TO BE PERFECT. IF I AM NOT, I GAIN WEIGHT IN A HEARTBEAT. AND SO IT'S A VICIOUS CIRCLE. AND THE 'PARASITE' INSIDE ME CAN'T BE GIVEN UP OR LET LOOSE BECAUSE THEN WHERE WILL I BE? THERE IS A LOT MORE TO THIS AND I HAVE NO ANSWERS. TOO MUCH THINKING IS MAKING MY BRAIN OVERWORK. WILL THAT BURN MORE CALORIES?

  


TUESDAY

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


OK, SO ONE DAY UNDER MY BELT THAT WAS A PERFECT DAY. STARTING DAY 2 NOW. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO BE PERFECT? AM I LOOKING FOR APPROVAL OR TRYING TO PROVE TO MYSELF I CAN DO IT? STILL FIGURING OUT SOME OF THIS STUFF BUT IN THE MEAN TIME, JUST LIVING.....

  


Monday

Monday, June 13, 2011

TODAY IS MONDAY AND TIME FOR A NEW BEGINNING. THANK GOD FOR NEW CHANCES AND NEW BEGINNINGS. I HAD A WEEKEND FULL OF GOOD DAYS AND THEN NOT SO GOOD NIGHTS. THINKING BACK, I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO BED EARLY INSTEAD BUT I DIDN'T. AM ALMOST AT THE TOP OF MY RANGE SO IT'S TIME TO GET IT BACK DOWN BEFORE FATHER'S DAY COMES UP AS MY DAUGHTER IS COOKING A BREAKFAST FOR HER DAD AND THEN OVER TO MY MOM'S FOR A PICNIC. I JUST KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A NOT TOO GOOD DAY SO I HAVE TO PREPARE FOR IT NOW. WHY DO I KEEP TAKING THIS ROLLAR COASTER RIDE? WHERE IS ALL MY RESOLVE, WHY AM I SO WEAK LATELY? IT'S THE FOOD ADDICT IN ME COMING OUT AGAIN. THE STRESS IS BUILDING, SURGERY IS NEXT WEEK AND I'M SCARED. WELL THAT SENTANCE SAYS IT ALL. I KNOW THEY HAVE TO TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG AND THAT I SHOULDN'T WORRY AS THESE VERY RARELY HAPPEN BUT AT NIGHT, ALL MY REASON GOES OUT THE WINDOW. I HOPE THE DAYS FLY BY AND I CAN HURRY UP AND GET THIS OVER WITH.

  


Light bulb moment

Sunday, June 12, 2011


SO I HAD A LIGHT BULB MOMENT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT IT TOOK SO LONG TO SEE THIS. THERE IS A PATTERN GOING ON HERE THAT I JUST NOTICED. I DO VERY WELL FOR JUST SO LONG. LOSING OZS EVERY DAY WHILE BEING VERY CAREFUL. THEN WHEN I GET TO THE BOTTOM OF MY RANGE, I GET THESE CRAVINGS AND THINGS THAT GO OFF IN MY HEAD WHERE I WANT CERTAIN FOODS AND CAN'T PUT THEM OUT OF MY HEAD. I FIGHT FOR AWHILE BUT USUALLY END UP GIVING IN. THAT PUTS ME BACK AT THE TOP OF MY RANGE AND I START ALL OVER AGAIN. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE I CAME HOME. THIS WHOLE DEAL HAS KEPT ME IN A CERTAIN RANGE NOT REALLY GAINING ANYMORE BUT NOT LOSING ANYMORE EITHER. THIS IS THE KIND OF LIVING THAT IS OK FOR MAINTAINCE BUT DO I WANT IT NOW?

RIGHT NOW THIS IS ALL I CAN HANDLE AND IF I GO THE SUMMER LIKE THIS, I'M OK WITH IT. HOWEVER I DO NOT FEEL LIKE I'M DONE AND WHEN I GO SOUTH AGAIN WHERE I HAVE POOL ACCESS AND LOTS MORE EXERCISE OPPORTUNITIES PLUS NO STRESS, I THINK LOSING WILL BE ON THE TABLE AGAIN. I JUST HAVE TO BE CAREFUL TO STAY WITHIN THIS RANGE. I CAN DO THIS.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MICHAELEWELLS 6/12/2011 3:47PM

    Hey at least you know now what you are doing. That is a major step. You can do it!

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MADYANKEE 6/12/2011 3:10PM

    Yes you can do it, sometimes we just have to take a sort of break, not a real walk away, but not quite there either. When it helps you, go for it. Besides, you are still on track, not gaining, eating healthy etc. good for you!

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RONNIE0404 6/12/2011 1:46PM

    You're right. You can do this! Just keep working on it and NEVER, EVER give up!

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GRADUATION DAY

Thursday, June 09, 2011



IT IS COMING UP ON ONE YEAR AND 5 MONTHS THAT I HAVE STARTED THIS JOURNEY. IT'S BEEN MORE THAN I EXPECTED, MORE WORK, MORE LEARNING, AND MORE DETERMINATION THAN I EVER GAVE TO ANYTHING IN MY WHOLE LIFE. I REMEMBER THE DAY I WOKE UP AND SAID "NO MORE". WE WERE DOWN SOUTH IN WHAT I CALL A 'NO PARENTS ALLOWED' SITUATION. NO ONE TO WATCH WHAT WE DID AND WE ATE. WE ATE EVERYTHING AND IN MASS QUANITIES. WE WENT FROM ONE THING TO ANOTHER. WE MADE OURSELVES SICK. QUITE SICK. I WAS IN A REBELLIOUS STAGE. NO ONE WAS GOING TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO. NO ONE WAS GOING TO SAY YOU SHOULDN'T EAT THAT. NO ONE WAS WATCHING ME HERE.

THEN I WOKE UP THAT MORNING AND SAID 'NO MORE'. IT WAS TIME TO TAKE CONTROL. I WAS SICK. ALL KINDS OF SICK, INSIDE AND OUT. AND I PRAYED FOR GOD'S HELP TO GET ME OUT OF THIS. THEN I PRAYED FOR GOD'S HELP TO HELP ME GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS. THAT WAS THE DAY EVERYTHING CHANGED. I HAD A CHALLENGE IN FRONT OF ME AND I HAD A NEW DETERMINATION THAT I NEVER HAD BEFORE. OH SURE, I HAD BEEN ON DIETS BUT THEY WERE ALWAYS THE ANSWER TO PRESSURE FROM OTHER PEOPLE. I NEVER WANTED TO DO IT FOR ME. I LOVED FOOD, IT COMFORTED ME, IT WAS ALWAYS THERE AND NO ONE APPRECIATED IT LIKE I DID. ALL OF A SUDDEN, I DIDN'T NEED IT ANYMORE LIKE I DID. WHY AND WHY NOW? FOR ONE THING, I WAS READY NOW. I WENT THE FIRST WEEK AND A HALF ALONE WITH NO SUPPORT AND THEN I FOUND ICHANGE. MY FRIENDS ON ICHANGE HELPED ME GET THRU ALL THE ROUGH SPOTS. SURE I KNEW HOW TO COUNT CALORIES AND EXERCISE BUT IT WAS THE SUPPORT THAT I NEVER HAD BEFORE. MY HUSBAND PUT UP WITH COUNTLESS DIETS AND JUST LET ME GO. COMPLEMENTING WHEN I DID GOOD AND BINGEING WHEN I WANTED TO GO OFF. IT DIDN'T MATTER TO HIM, HE ALWAYS LOVED ME HOWEVER I WAS.

AS THE MONTHS WENT ON, I NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO ANYONE INCLUDING HIM. I DID WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO AND ADAPTED TO MY NEW PLAN. I DIDN'T THROW ANYTHING OUT, HE WAS ENTITLED TO HIS FOOD. I BOUGHT NEW FOODS THAT FIT IN WITH MY PLAN AND I ATE MY WAY, HE ATE THE OLD WAY. I RELIED ON MY FRIENDS TO GET ME THRU, TO LISTEN TO ME COMPLAIN, TO PERK ME UP WHEN I WAS DOWN. SLOWLY AS THE WEIGHT CAME OFF, THERE WAS A BIG DIFFERENCE. MY HUSBAND SAW A CHANGE AND CAME ALONG ON THIS RIDE. LAST SUMMER WAS AN AWFUL TIME. SEEING EXTENDED FAMILY FOR DIFFERENT SOCIAL OCCASIONS WAS AWFUL BUT A BIG LEARNING EXPERIENCE. GOING THAT WINTER DOWN SOUTH HELPED TO REINFORCE MY RESOLVE. I HIT LOTS OF PLATEAUS AND DIDN'T LOSE LIKE I DID IN THE BEGINNING BUT IT TOO WAS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. I CREATED NEW HABITS THAT I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT NOW. PLUS IT MAKES IT EASIER TO LIVE AND I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO BACK.

I AM WHERE I AM. I WISH I COULD LOSE MORE BUT I KNOW THAT I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN. IF IT COMES, SO BE IT BUT IF IT DOESN'T, WELL HERE I AM. EVERYTHING SITUATION IS A NEW CHALLENGE AND I HAVE IT IN ME TO FACE THEM ALL NOW. I HAVE CONQUORED GOING OUT TO EAT TOO. I WENT OUT, SAID I GAINED 3 LBS, BUT THOUGHT IT WAS WATER AND IT SURE MUST HAVE BEEN AS I AM BACK WHERE I WAS BEFORE. SO I CAN GO OUT, ENJOY MYSELF, LIVE MY LIFE AND IT'S OK. I'VE SETTLED INTO THIS NEW LIFESTYLE AND I LOVE IT. I FEEL GOOD, I LOOK DECENT, MY HEALTH IS GREAT AND I AM HAPPY. I HOPED WHEN I STARTED THAT I WOULD FINISH THIS JOURNEY IN A YEAR. THEN I SAID IT MIGHT TAKE ME 2 YEARS. WELL, THIS IS NOT A JOURNEY ANYMORE. THIS IS MY LIFESTYLE NOW. IT'S GRADUATION DAY AND I MADE IT SUMA CUM LAUDE!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOLPHINFAN1334 6/9/2011 11:51AM

    CONGRATULATIONS AND HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!! emoticon

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