Thursday, April 17, 2014
I didn't realize how long ago my last blog was but way back in March, I was doing great. Here a month later, I am not winning this battle. It's not for lack of trying because I've been really working hard. The stress is mounting and I've got too much going on. I have a DR appt next Friday and my sugar has been wild, my blood pressure is going up and I know it's the vicious circle of stress. I hate people judging me, I hate getting yelled at even though I'm doing what I can to stop this cycle and I hate going to the DR in general. Every time it's the same thing. I stress out for months before going and other things just pile up.
I knew I had a fancy party that I have to go to this Sat. I planned to lose just 10 lbs when I found out. I lost the first 5 and then as the party grew closer, I regained them. I didn't want to go to this party but since it's for a family member, I have to show up. More stress on me. I wish I could just be left alone or crawl in a hole never to be found.
I wonder why I am like this? I like people , I like socializing in small situations but hate being put on the spot. I don't stick up for myself and say- hey, except me just the way I am! I wish it didn't bother me so much but it does.
One example that plagues me is an incident with my sister in law. Last summer, we were at a resort together and she was taking pictures. I spefically asked her not to take my picture in a bathing suit. She found sneaky ways to do this and before I knew it the whole family had seen them. I was so embarrassed. Why did she have to hurt me like that? She's tall and thin, I'm short and fat. I don't need other people to point this out!
What hurt too was the laughter and comments - so nice you don't let anything stop you from going in the pool! To this day I will never forget the shame I felt. Something I never spoke or wrote of before to anyone. So you think this would inspire me to finally lose the weight. It's not that easy, I try but I can't keep it off.
Thanks for listening to my pity party. Sometimes ya just gotta vent! Now it's time to move on. This is the mood for today.