Friday, August 23, 2013
This week I reprogrammed my "inner sabouteur". He was alive and well, but day by day I made him weak with my positive words, and now he has accepted his retirement from my life.
He told me I was a failure, but I told him I was successful in so many things, and even tried new things despite them being difficult.
He told me I was not beautiful, but I told him that I am who I am and that I am neat and clean and look after myself well.
He told me that I was too old to find love. I told him that I was wise, not old; that I was mellow, not urgent; that there are many people out there who are my age looking for a life partner, and that I would be patient and open and a special person will find me.
He told me that I am too picky. I told him that I have very strong and fair beliefs and values that I hold true. I told him that it is these values and beliefs that attract, not repel, people and that they are wise. I told him that I constantly challenge my beliefs and values to make sure they are up-to-date and healthy for me, for others and for the planet.
He told me that I don't have the social skills to mix with people after being alone for ten years. I told him that I am like the wise man living silently in the desert, learning about the universe and about life, and that, when the time comes, I will be not only wise and skilled, but also amazingly insightful and interesting to those around me.
He told me that I shouldn't try anything because I will fail. I told him that refusing to try is the absolute failure. I told him that trying, and not getting things quite right, gives us lessons that allow our next attempt to be more successful and that all of life is a learning process.
Then he reached out the big guns....
He told me that I was grotesque and unlovable after my botched breast cancer/reconstruction surgery. That one hurt. I told him that I am a survivor. That my scars are a poignant reminder of my unstoppable will to live and be the best mother to my four children that I can be. I told him that I see other people's scars as proof of their struggles and am so proud of them for succeeding. They make people MORE attractive, not LESS. I told my inner saboteur that anyone who did not accept my scars was in breach of my beliefs and values and was not the kind of person I want beside me. Exposing the scars of life makes you vulnerable and yet strong at the same time. It shows you have lived. And learned. And are more accepting of others. And are still on your journey.
So I thanked my inner saboteur for all of his challenges, told him that he had done an awesome job making me strong and resilient, and left him in a lovely retirement home overlooking the peaceful nature of a lake at sunset.
This was a most powerful week of discovery, and a most powerful beginning to the rest of my amazing life.