Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I just updated my main personal SparkPage blurb and publically stated for the first time that my husband and I are seriously talking about having a baby.
Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me, it is. This is a monumental admittance on my part. I have maintained for YEARS to my husband, my family and my friends that while I love kids, I never really wanted to have my own. A big part of that has been my body image issues and insecurity about my weight, looks and ability to come back to a healthy, personally satisfying weight after a pregnancy. I had never felt good enough about myself to feel that all the weight gain, stretching, muscle loss and other physical changes of pregnancy would allow me to come back to a body that I would feel comfortable in. I had thought that if I was already dissatisfied with my body, and I went through a process that would fundamentally change it (in my mind) for the worse, how could that be a good thing? Why would I do that to myself? And so, I have maintained that I didn't want to do it.
I feel like I am finally to the point in my journey of healthy eating, exercise, mindfulness and just general good health that I could have a very fit, healthy pregnancy that did not involve a huge weight gain and that I could come back from that process with a rocking, sexy body, a happier husband and a new person in my life to love. It is almost making me cry to admit this - I have been down on myself for so long and denying a part of my life that I know will bring so much joy.
Pride is another part of this - I am worried about telling my family about this change in my persepective. I can hear my mom saying, "I told you so - I knew you would change your mind and want a baby - I told you," and I am worried about hearing that from her. I don't want it about her being right, I want it to be about ME, with her realizing and supporting my healthy changes and my journey and acknowledging that I have worked really hard to get where I am now. That seems like a lot to expect from someone - which means I'm going to have to tell her all about those feelings and not just hope that she gets it. I'm actually going to have the opportunity to tell her about all this in person this weekend, as I'll be going home for my sister's wedding shower on Friday. While I don't want to steal any spotlight from my sister and her own hugely important life events, I also want to take advantage of this opportunity and talk to her about it face to face.
I feel really exposed by saying this "outloud" to the world, but in a way, it's also liberating. Yes, part of this journey IS to get myself as healthy as possible to give my future child the best start I can. And that's okay.
I have to get over that little voice in the back of my head saying, "But that's not what you've always said. People are going to make fun of you for changing your mind. You've built this image of the strong, powerful, independent woman and being a mother in a super-traditional female gender role does not really jive with that image. You're just turning in to an every-woman and you're not going to be special any more." I know that stuff isn't true and that I am entitled to change my mind and build my best life, which does include kids.
I hope that I'm not offending any of my SparkFriends that are already mothers - I totally respect what you do in your every day lives and I am looking forward to adding those responsibilities to my own life. Any tips you have for preparing for/ having/recovering from a healthy pregnancy would be most welcome. I bow to your experience and wisdom and would love to hear what you have to say.
*whewwwwwwwww - big sigh*
So, yes, I updated my page :) Background colors and all.
Oh, and yes, I want to have a baby - and soon.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Not because I'm doing things I don't like - quite the opposite! The past two Saturdays have been full of amazing activities. Two weeks ago it was Relay for Life. This past Saturday we spent whitewater rafting and camping with some of our friends.
The problem comes in that because I'm doing an activity that makes me feel like I'm being active (walking, rafting, etc), I slip in terms of my eating plan and start munching on everything in sight. This would be okay if my activities were actually at the level to support eating extra calories, but they're not.
I even asked DH on this camping trip to help me stay on track by just saying a keyword if he noticed I was over-snacking. I was proud of myself for asking for help and trying to stay on track without getting offended that he was telling me I shouldn't be eating. Except, he wasn't with me the whole time. I had a lot of time alone with all those snacks and I am upset with myself for giving in to grazing for the afternoon.
Last Friday before we left, I was 151.6 - this morning, after the weekend of snacking and unplanned meals, combined with not tracking at all, I am 155.6
*sigh* I know some of this is just sodium and water weight and that tomorrow, I'll probably be down to 154 something, but it's just so darn frustrating!!!!! This is an exact repeat of last week - go look at my weight tracker and tell me its not.
So, I need to come up with a plan to address weekends and really commit to sticking with it. I have such a problem with social situations on weekends and how much of those types of activities revolve around food and eating. I want to participate and not feel like I'm denying myself at every single event. I've tried the just taking a bite / sampling / bringing my own snacks / drinking water / insert different ideas here tactic and by the end of the day, I am always over. Something has to change because I can't keep riding this rollercoaster - I felt so bad about myself after getting off the scale this morning. I know how hard I worked last week to get down to the 151 and to face having to work that hard all over again this week is really bumming me out. Should I just re-evaluate my goals and consider the possibility that I should just stay at this weight and accept this as my achievement? Even thinking about that makes me angry and frustrated. I know I can get to my big goals and smaller milestones. I just have to keep doing the work and stop thinking about it as denying myself yummy things to eat. That is never going to be sustainable. I just have to look at what my goals are and make an acceptable plan on how I'm going to get there.
I think part of my problem is also that I'm getting nervous/anxious/feeling pressured about my sister's wedding in October and even more so about going home for her shower next week. I want to look amazing for these events and show my family how hard I've been working. If I'm not at my goals by these deadlines, I'm feel like I'm going to consider this whole thing a failure (which I mentally know its not at all - I have made huge progress in so many areas of healthy eating/weight/thought). I really want to make it to my next milestone (150) before I go home next week and I would consider it a gigantic success and step forward when that happens.
So, just gotta keep trucking, like I say at the end of every one of my blogs. I guess this is just an idea that I have to keep repeating to myself and that maybe over time it will sink in enough to where I don't have to say it all the time. I am already sucessful and I will continue to be sucessful if I just keep at it.
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