Saturday, July 19, 2014
Last night I spent quite a while talking to a friend of mine, discussing how our lives have run off the rails, and we continue to spin our wheels where we are at. At 49, I said I am too old and obese, too many scars & flaws to start over with anyone new. I feel I know what the new qualifications are for appearance, and needless to say, I don't have any of them. The more we talked, the more I began questioning the decisions I have made & the life choice I have been living with for many, many years.
I will never be what my SO(B) wants. He is repulsed by my body. Negative comments on my body shape/size, my eating, my exercising, you name it. I used to be somewhat of a Stepford Wife, cooking meals, doing laundry, taking care of our daughter, and making sure his home was a clean castle. Sure, all of these things are tasks we do for our spouses to make life harmonious. Several years were just that. Then along came the "comfortable" stage. He began working an opposite shift, not much time for family stuff. I strayed and had an affair that lasted a few years. Enough to make my SO(B) lose trust in me, make me quit my job, he sold our house and even threatened to take our daughter away. I walked the straight and narrow, we moved out of town, putting our daughter in a different school and me working several different jobs for several months before ending back at the same company I left. I am away from there now, have been for over 7 years.
Nothing has improved between us, and even if I get into great physical shape, there will be no intimacy. He hasn't wanted me for so long, he surely isn't going to touch me then! I seldom get more than an insincere hug a couple times a year. It has really started taking an emotional toll on me. Even though I was the one that strayed, I don't feel like I deserve to continue living the way I am. He is a complete straight arrow, so I cannot even imagine that he has so much as thought about another woman.
Am I wrong at seriously considering ending this stagnant marriage and moving on with my life? One of the questions last night was "Is it better to be alone or in a marriage and still be alone?" We have been together for 31 years, married for 28 with a 24 y/o daughter. No debt. I would love it if we could just take our own property from the house, he can keep his money & I can keep mine. He can even have the house, 'his' money paid for it. I will take my car, my possessions, and move on to a happier existence.
I am pretty sure it is in the back of his mind that I have strayed again, which I have not. No desire to after the hell I made for myself the last time. He was in one of those moods where I was on a time frame today when I went shopping. It took me too long, so therefore I am under suspicion again. It has been 10 years since my last indiscretion, how long am I supposed to wear the scarlet "A"? I am thinking my time is over, and I will pass it on to him, for "A-hole!!"
Monday, July 07, 2014
I have not blogged on SP in for-ev-er!! This is one place I can write what it on my mind & what is stressing me. Plus, I have a bit on anonymity here.
I have joined a fitness center for 90 days and have been very diligent about going everyday that I work. Some days it is at 4pm, 8am or after midnight. I am starting on the second month and of course I am not seeing any results yet. I keep hearing it will take another couple of weeks. Of course, I am impatient and getting frustrated that I am not seeing any difference in size or shape.
The fitness center has an awesome treadmill that I have worked up to 45 minutes on and have been burning about 500 calories when I use it. The ellipticals I am not fond of, but I still use one of them. There is a weight machine that I am learning different exercises on, mainly I have been working my flabby arms. Also using free weights to try & tone up. There is seldom anyone there, so I truly love the solitude & relaxation of working out before I head home.
So I work my arms with weights, work my legs & glutes with the treadmill & elliptical, also squats. My problem it the area in between. Hips, thighs, and stomach. The 2x4 that smacked me tonight was after I showered & was drying off, I found a very red, irritated spot on my stomach. It is from being flabby, sweat & skin rubbing together. I think it upset me more that when I dried off, it was bleeding. I put some anti biotic cream on the area and some powder and it feels better now. I really need to get myself in shape so this doesn't get any worse.
Suggestions for exercises? I am at an all time high of 191# and I am 5'3"! That is just ridiculous in my book for me. I want to get to 140# by February. Right now I would settle for 5# less, and then another 5#.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
God gives us a wonderful, perfect body for our lifetime and the least we should do is take care of it. I have neglected the health and well-being of my body more that I care to think about. I have allowed myself the satisfaction, at least that is how it feels until the euphoria of the burger & onion rings wears off, of eating without restriction lately. That is ever-so-wrong, and I do feel miserable afterwards. The sad part is that no matter how much I loathe the reflection in the mirror, it does not make me change my ways. Is there something wrong with me, or is it that I truly do not care?
I have a pretty active part-time job at the state park as a housekeeper, on my feet all day walking and all the janitorial duties. But my full-time job is pretty much a desk job. There is not a lot of time for exercise, and I cannot get myself motivated to even walk a couple of miles during the week. I got on the treadmill this morning. Since it was before work, I didn't have a lot of time, so I quit after about a half mile. Yes, it was a start, a pitiful one though.
I have many choices as far as exercise equipment is concerned. Treadmill. Wii Fit. Mini trampoline. Exercise bike. Real bike. DVDs. The problem is the motivation and time since I work two jobs. I know I would feel better and have more energy if I lost weight. I know I would look better if I lost weight. There is no one in my house or at work that I can use to keep me accountable for my binges. My SO(B) is just on the naggin' wagon about my weight, and that does not help my self esteem or motivation because he wants me to lose it for "him." I told him it doesn't work that way. He is extremely phobic of heavy/over weight people. When he gets so negative with me, it ramps up my defenses to where I just say "Screw it. I control my weight, not you." I have asked that he not make any comments to me that are negative, it stops for a few days.
I am 48 years old and have a "back-burner" goal to lose 50# by my 50th birthday. That is just under 18 months away. Hmmmmm....
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
O as in obese. I never thought I would be using that word to describe myself. My SOB gets angry because when I was young and stupid, around 18 years old, I told him I would never get fat. It just wasn't me to be fat. Well, in the last 4-5 years all my weight has done is gone up, up, up. I did have a while that I weighed 165#...I have added almost twenty pounds since then. It makes me sick. I hate myself. I don't look in the mirror. But this is still not enough motivation to really get my fat butt moving. I am lazy. I have tried to start back on the treadmill or walk outside when it is nice. I have a neighbor that walked 4 mi./day when the weather was better. I tried to hook up with her and walk, but my schedule didn't always jive with hers. Now I am stepping out on my own to do 2 miles/day.
My SOB is embarrassed to be seen with me. He is back to bringing up my size on a regular basis. I tell him his comments do not motivate me, but he cannot get that through his head. Our house is so stressful, I am sure that has something to do with it, too. I work crazy hours and hardly sleep. That is another strike against me.
I have made a serious, conscious effort to cut out the fast food and the sodas. I used to stop at McD's or BK between jobs. No more. The soda is difficult. It has been 2 days with out one and I haven't dropped over yet. One day at a time.
I have tried to start simple. Walking, jogging at times on the treadmill. Squats with a chair. Hydrants and leg lifts. Cutting my portions and trying to make better choices. Water. Water. Water. I need to lose 50#.....but right now my goal is to lose 2# this week. Then 2# the next week.
I'm just going to keep on keepin' on until I get there. Until I get DONE!!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I was watching Dr. Oz the other day and there was a woman on the show that weighed 260#, not all that much more than me right now. I have added another 15# to my already Ruebenesque figure. (It sounds better to phrase it that was than to be blunt and say obese. Ruebenesque women were considered works of art.) Marjon was telling my story to the world....
I cannot have just 1 piece or 1 bite; it's like I don't know when I will eat next.
There have been times I chose to spend my money on food and paid my bills late. I cannot get nourishment from paying the telephone bill, or can I? Domino's delivers!!
When I go to the city, I do look for the restaurants in the area so I can decide what's for lunch. (I have been known to stop at 2 places if I can't make up my mind.)
There are only 2 times food addicts don't think about food...when they are sleeping and when they are dead. (Sweet dreams are made of these...cheesecake, a great, greasy cheeseburger & salty fries, a hot fudge sundae. Who am I to disagree?) Death....enough said.
Food is predictable, people aren't. I know chocolate cake will make me feel better. I cannot guarantee my friends will boost my mood.
Marjon spoke with Dr.Tennie McCarty of Shades of Hope about food addiction. McCarty operates Shades of Hope and treats anorexics, bulimics, & compulsive eaters. They are all put together and treated together because they are all the same. Left untreated, their addictions will cause them to die. She also said food is the #1 addiction in the US. The disease of addiction says you don't have it, or at least not as bad as your neighbor down the street.
To say I have become a slave to food sounds a bit extreme, I really don't know if that label fits me. That brings me to DENIAL....Don't Even kNow I Am Lying. No, I haven't had lunch today. I had a salad with meat today. (A Big Mac is close to a salad...lettuce, tomato, onion, Thousand Island dressing, and the bun, just a HUGE crouton, right?) Denial is a symptom of any addiction.
When you binge on food the brain is flooded with dopamine which gives you a wonderful euphoric feeling, for a while anyway. This euphoric feeling causes you to not realize just how much food you are eating. You don't realize you are putting your body in mortal danger. Cookies don't let you down, but they will kill you when you lose control. (So sorry, Cookie Monster).
If food has taken control of your life, you are an addict. Food is not illegal but it is just as addictive and destructive. as heroine or cocaine. Shades of Hope treats the big "C"....CONTROL. Addicts are control freaks. We have to give up that control. Dr. McCarty stated by using confrontation with the addicts, they will see the devastation of what the disease has done to them.
Your heart is racing. Your mouth is watering. Trouble concentrating. You don't feel hungry. All you can think about is what you will eat next. These are five signs of being a food addict. I can see myself in all of these.
My name is Dragonflyspirit and I am a food addict.
Check out doctorooz.com and search "food addiction". It was an eye opener for me, but I am not going to use my "addiction" as a crutch. I really need to relinquish its control on my life.
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