25,000-29,999 SparkPoints
DRAGONFLYSPIRIT's Recent Blog Entries

How to lose 185 lbs quickly or I think my life is ready for a major change.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Last night I spent quite a while talking to a friend of mine, discussing how our lives have run off the rails, and we continue to spin our wheels where we are at. At 49, I said I am too old and obese, too many scars & flaws to start over with anyone new. I feel I know what the new qualifications are for appearance, and needless to say, I don't have any of them. The more we talked, the more I began questioning the decisions I have made & the life choice I have been living with for many, many years.

I will never be what my SO(B) wants. He is repulsed by my body. Negative comments on my body shape/size, my eating, my exercising, you name it. I used to be somewhat of a Stepford Wife, cooking meals, doing laundry, taking care of our daughter, and making sure his home was a clean castle. Sure, all of these things are tasks we do for our spouses to make life harmonious. Several years were just that. Then along came the "comfortable" stage. He began working an opposite shift, not much time for family stuff. I strayed and had an affair that lasted a few years. Enough to make my SO(B) lose trust in me, make me quit my job, he sold our house and even threatened to take our daughter away. I walked the straight and narrow, we moved out of town, putting our daughter in a different school and me working several different jobs for several months before ending back at the same company I left. I am away from there now, have been for over 7 years.

Nothing has improved between us, and even if I get into great physical shape, there will be no intimacy. He hasn't wanted me for so long, he surely isn't going to touch me then! I seldom get more than an insincere hug a couple times a year. It has really started taking an emotional toll on me. Even though I was the one that strayed, I don't feel like I deserve to continue living the way I am. He is a complete straight arrow, so I cannot even imagine that he has so much as thought about another woman.

Am I wrong at seriously considering ending this stagnant marriage and moving on with my life? One of the questions last night was "Is it better to be alone or in a marriage and still be alone?" We have been together for 31 years, married for 28 with a 24 y/o daughter. No debt. I would love it if we could just take our own property from the house, he can keep his money & I can keep mine. He can even have the house, 'his' money paid for it. I will take my car, my possessions, and move on to a happier existence.

I am pretty sure it is in the back of his mind that I have strayed again, which I have not. No desire to after the hell I made for myself the last time. He was in one of those moods where I was on a time frame today when I went shopping. It took me too long, so therefore I am under suspicion again. It has been 10 years since my last indiscretion, how long am I supposed to wear the scarlet "A"? I am thinking my time is over, and I will pass it on to him, for "A-hole!!"

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPINNINGJW 7/21/2014 8:25AM

    Hang in there. I am in the process at age 48. I intentionally went back to school with the intent of getting out. Spent many of the 25 years we were married as a Stay at Home Mom, many years working part-time, non-career jobs so I could be available for our kids. Took a job in another state (but only 1.5 hrs from "home") and didn't really look back. I am happier than I have been in years. STBX actually did the legal filing, and after finding out how much child support he will have to pay for our 13 yr old DS, has been grumbling about the amount. I haven't even asked him to start paying! He was the one that filed for me to have custody, so he could have done it differently. Of course, if he had filed to get custody, I would have fought him tooth and nail because I want what is best for our son, and living with his dad full-time would not be.

Report Inappropriate Comment
COSMIC_ENERGY 7/20/2014 4:43PM

    It is not too late. My ex left when I was 52. Took me awhile to get over and move forward. But I am happy on my own and find friends to give me hugs or go get a massage. Seriously, do not continue in this hell if there is no love there. (And do not believe that he is as straight arrow as you think--I used to think the same).

Report Inappropriate Comment
POSITIVEHOPE 7/19/2014 8:48PM

    Living like that is awful for everyone. Ultimately you will choose what is best for you for as a longterm solution.
How about telling him about how you view your life so you can begin to feel better now. Just tell him the facts you stated here. Do it in a letter if you must. Ask him not to give you any of his comments in return. In fact, I would tell him that living with his disrespectful comments about you are now on your won't take it any more list. No one deserves to live that way. BTW you would need to avoid those same comments for it to be fair. I'm not suggesting peace at any price here. Setting limits for a fair fight is more like it.

Report Inappropriate Comment

Reasons to get in shape & lose these extra lbs keep smacking me in the head like a 2x4

Monday, July 07, 2014

I have not blogged on SP in for-ev-er!! This is one place I can write what it on my mind & what is stressing me. Plus, I have a bit on anonymity here.
I have joined a fitness center for 90 days and have been very diligent about going everyday that I work. Some days it is at 4pm, 8am or after midnight. I am starting on the second month and of course I am not seeing any results yet. I keep hearing it will take another couple of weeks. Of course, I am impatient and getting frustrated that I am not seeing any difference in size or shape.
The fitness center has an awesome treadmill that I have worked up to 45 minutes on and have been burning about 500 calories when I use it. The ellipticals I am not fond of, but I still use one of them. There is a weight machine that I am learning different exercises on, mainly I have been working my flabby arms. Also using free weights to try & tone up. There is seldom anyone there, so I truly love the solitude & relaxation of working out before I head home.
So I work my arms with weights, work my legs & glutes with the treadmill & elliptical, also squats. My problem it the area in between. Hips, thighs, and stomach. The 2x4 that smacked me tonight was after I showered & was drying off, I found a very red, irritated spot on my stomach. It is from being flabby, sweat & skin rubbing together. I think it upset me more that when I dried off, it was bleeding. I put some anti biotic cream on the area and some powder and it feels better now. I really need to get myself in shape so this doesn't get any worse.
Suggestions for exercises? I am at an all time high of 191# and I am 5'3"! That is just ridiculous in my book for me. I want to get to 140# by February. Right now I would settle for 5# less, and then another 5#.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RENLLY 7/7/2014 2:16PM

    You seem to be doing well with your exercising at the gym. Maybe get a trainer to help develop a circuit for you - so that you get that mix of cardio, upper body weights, and lower body weights.

I would get SP to help you with some meal planning.

Report Inappropriate Comment
COSMIC_ENERGY 7/7/2014 8:39AM

    Ah DFS--You can win this battle! Since I went plant based I dropped weight much more easily. I can personally recommend Dr. Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live 6 week plan http://fatfreevegan.com/blog/2010/0
1/01/eat-to-live-6-week-plan No symbol or letter R after plan -not sure why it is showing up)

Or Dr. John McDougall's eating plan minus nuts/avocados for weight loss.

Good for you getting in the exercise habit! You're ahead of me. Keep up the good work!
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/7/2014 8:46:13 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment
PRAIRIECROCUS 7/7/2014 12:50AM

All the best !

Report Inappropriate Comment
UKNOWITNOW 7/7/2014 12:20AM

  Just stay with the program and all will be well. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

"Give me some M-O-T-I-VA-T-I-O-N!!!!"

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

God gives us a wonderful, perfect body for our lifetime and the least we should do is take care of it. I have neglected the health and well-being of my body more that I care to think about. I have allowed myself the satisfaction, at least that is how it feels until the euphoria of the burger & onion rings wears off, of eating without restriction lately. That is ever-so-wrong, and I do feel miserable afterwards. The sad part is that no matter how much I loathe the reflection in the mirror, it does not make me change my ways. Is there something wrong with me, or is it that I truly do not care?
I have a pretty active part-time job at the state park as a housekeeper, on my feet all day walking and all the janitorial duties. But my full-time job is pretty much a desk job. There is not a lot of time for exercise, and I cannot get myself motivated to even walk a couple of miles during the week. I got on the treadmill this morning. Since it was before work, I didn't have a lot of time, so I quit after about a half mile. Yes, it was a start, a pitiful one though.
I have many choices as far as exercise equipment is concerned. Treadmill. Wii Fit. Mini trampoline. Exercise bike. Real bike. DVDs. The problem is the motivation and time since I work two jobs. I know I would feel better and have more energy if I lost weight. I know I would look better if I lost weight. There is no one in my house or at work that I can use to keep me accountable for my binges. My SO(B) is just on the naggin' wagon about my weight, and that does not help my self esteem or motivation because he wants me to lose it for "him." I told him it doesn't work that way. He is extremely phobic of heavy/over weight people. When he gets so negative with me, it ramps up my defenses to where I just say "Screw it. I control my weight, not you." I have asked that he not make any comments to me that are negative, it stops for a few days.
I am 48 years old and have a "back-burner" goal to lose 50# by my 50th birthday. That is just under 18 months away. Hmmmmm....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICEART2010 8/14/2013 10:13PM

    A family member of mine was recently on my case about my weight too. I lost my temper and gave it right back (which was not the best choice)- luckily I had someone on my side to help intervene in the situation and since then I haven't heard a word about my weight. Go easy on yourself. Progress not perfection...

Report Inappropriate Comment
COSMIC_ENERGY 8/14/2013 10:08PM

    It is hard when someone else is pushing you and the passive resistance raises it's ugly head. When life is not feeling in alignment, everything seems to go out the window.

I have only a few days till my Curves closes its doors and haven't gotten in as often as I should before it's gone. Don't think I want to sign up at the Anytime fitness place either. This seems to happen when there are other things happening that suck my reserves dry. I've spent the summer going to dentist and doctors appts. and not feeling my best.

Report Inappropriate Comment
144AUTUMN 8/14/2013 10:06PM

  You can do it!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment

The Big "O"

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

O as in obese. I never thought I would be using that word to describe myself. My SOB gets angry because when I was young and stupid, around 18 years old, I told him I would never get fat. It just wasn't me to be fat. Well, in the last 4-5 years all my weight has done is gone up, up, up. I did have a while that I weighed 165#...I have added almost twenty pounds since then. It makes me sick. I hate myself. I don't look in the mirror. But this is still not enough motivation to really get my fat butt moving. I am lazy. I have tried to start back on the treadmill or walk outside when it is nice. I have a neighbor that walked 4 mi./day when the weather was better. I tried to hook up with her and walk, but my schedule didn't always jive with hers. Now I am stepping out on my own to do 2 miles/day.
My SOB is embarrassed to be seen with me. He is back to bringing up my size on a regular basis. I tell him his comments do not motivate me, but he cannot get that through his head. Our house is so stressful, I am sure that has something to do with it, too. I work crazy hours and hardly sleep. That is another strike against me.
I have made a serious, conscious effort to cut out the fast food and the sodas. I used to stop at McD's or BK between jobs. No more. The soda is difficult. It has been 2 days with out one and I haven't dropped over yet. One day at a time.
I have tried to start simple. Walking, jogging at times on the treadmill. Squats with a chair. Hydrants and leg lifts. Cutting my portions and trying to make better choices. Water. Water. Water. I need to lose 50#.....but right now my goal is to lose 2# this week. Then 2# the next week.
I'm just going to keep on keepin' on until I get there. Until I get DONE!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GODDESSELLIE07 3/2/2012 4:13PM

    I haven't been around much on Spark lately, but I saw your name and thought I'd stop by and say hi. How it going so far? Remember to take it one step at a time! You can do this!

Report Inappropriate Comment

My name is Dragonflyspirit & I am an addict.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I was watching Dr. Oz the other day and there was a woman on the show that weighed 260#, not all that much more than me right now. I have added another 15# to my already Ruebenesque figure. (It sounds better to phrase it that was than to be blunt and say obese. Ruebenesque women were considered works of art.) Marjon was telling my story to the world....

I cannot have just 1 piece or 1 bite; it's like I don't know when I will eat next.

There have been times I chose to spend my money on food and paid my bills late. I cannot get nourishment from paying the telephone bill, or can I? Domino's delivers!!

When I go to the city, I do look for the restaurants in the area so I can decide what's for lunch. (I have been known to stop at 2 places if I can't make up my mind.)

There are only 2 times food addicts don't think about food...when they are sleeping and when they are dead. (Sweet dreams are made of these...cheesecake, a great, greasy cheeseburger & salty fries, a hot fudge sundae. Who am I to disagree?) Death....enough said.

Food is predictable, people aren't. I know chocolate cake will make me feel better. I cannot guarantee my friends will boost my mood.

Marjon spoke with Dr.Tennie McCarty of Shades of Hope about food addiction. McCarty operates Shades of Hope and treats anorexics, bulimics, & compulsive eaters. They are all put together and treated together because they are all the same. Left untreated, their addictions will cause them to die. She also said food is the #1 addiction in the US. The disease of addiction says you don't have it, or at least not as bad as your neighbor down the street.

To say I have become a slave to food sounds a bit extreme, I really don't know if that label fits me. That brings me to DENIAL....Don't Even kNow I Am Lying. No, I haven't had lunch today. I had a salad with meat today. (A Big Mac is close to a salad...lettuce, tomato, onion, Thousand Island dressing, and the bun, just a HUGE crouton, right?) Denial is a symptom of any addiction.

When you binge on food the brain is flooded with dopamine which gives you a wonderful euphoric feeling, for a while anyway. This euphoric feeling causes you to not realize just how much food you are eating. You don't realize you are putting your body in mortal danger. Cookies don't let you down, but they will kill you when you lose control. (So sorry, Cookie Monster).

If food has taken control of your life, you are an addict. Food is not illegal but it is just as addictive and destructive. as heroine or cocaine. Shades of Hope treats the big "C"....CONTROL. Addicts are control freaks. We have to give up that control. Dr. McCarty stated by using confrontation with the addicts, they will see the devastation of what the disease has done to them.

Your heart is racing. Your mouth is watering. Trouble concentrating. You don't feel hungry. All you can think about is what you will eat next. These are five signs of being a food addict. I can see myself in all of these.

My name is Dragonflyspirit and I am a food addict.

Check out doctorooz.com and search "food addiction". It was an eye opener for me, but I am not going to use my "addiction" as a crutch. I really need to relinquish its control on my life.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARIANNE9855 5/27/2013 9:47AM

    you are so right- its amazing- the principals of recovery are the same for all addictions- since I started on Spark People and really started working on my addiction- I also started working as a clinician with people with chronic mental illness and addiction problems- I am able to relate and help these people in a way I never could before. We are all on the same journey and the path to get better is the same.
When I help them I help myself- I am so happy that my life has gotten to this point. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PAULA3420 5/26/2013 7:13PM

    Hi Dragonflyspirit!!, I'm so happy I decided to check in with you tonight. This is the first I have heard of the Shades of Hope Treatment Center. I too must be a food addict. It sounds like this program really hit home for you. Perhaps, it caused the light bulb to shine some clarity on your goals and this will give you a path into your Healthy Future. I'm still trying to find my way. Working on Fitness. I seem to be up and down. Looking for some level ground. Where I can get a Groove ON!! I know emoticon

Paula emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LILABBYNORMAL 4/21/2011 5:33AM

    Admitting that there is a problem is a big part of the battle! I too am a food addict and my last binge was on Sunday. One thing was a little different this time though.....instead of seeing that mistake as an excuse to go completely off the rails, I acknowledged my mistake and got right back on the wagon the next morning. I bellieve that I will never NOT be a food addict just like an alchoholic is never NOT an alchoholic. They just maintain recovery. Glad to see you back! I love the new Addicted to Food show on OWN channel that is about the Shades of Hope Treatment Center. Do you watch it?

Report Inappropriate Comment
ONICAM 4/20/2011 11:21PM

    I am not sure if I am quite as severe as you, but I am also a food addict. Today I wanted to binge all day and since I am doing french where the chapter is food I am easily going to binge like crazy. I am also alone until Friday possibly after dinner.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SCOTTGARAN 4/20/2011 11:10PM

    Wow, that was a great piece. Now that you recognize the problem, perhaps you can deal with it. you are in the right place.

Report Inappropriate Comment

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 Last Page