Friday, December 02, 2011
Near the end of every year, I take stock of the past and look ahead to the future. Both 2010 and 2011 were great years for me in terms of reaching some personal goals that were very important to my happiness I suspect those years are seriously going to pale by comparison to what 2012 will hold in store.
I am ashamed to admit that I allowed myself during 2011 to become so focused on my personal achievement goals that I not only fell off the fitness wagon...I fell, bounced, fell again, flipped over, landed flat on my more than ample backside, rolled over and played dead. That was a huge mistake and I mean "huge" as it applies to every aspect of my life.
See, what happened is this: While I was off focusing on something else, I thought I had my Spark People healthy eating and regular fitness pretty much under control. I thought I was doing a pretty fair job, but not paying very close attention to the details. I mean, I was so busy...who has time to track things every single day? Well, guess where that attitude got me? Right back where I started from several years ago - pre-SparkPeople at a whopping 215 pounds. Yikes! What happened to that 160 pounds I was down to - and shooting for 145?
I'm here to tell you, Spark Friends, you can't take your eyes off the prize for a heartbeat or the vile, disgusting yellow Fatties will attack you. They just love to jump onto your body while you're not looking. And once they're attached, they're harder than Hades to remove.
So, this is more than a little speed bump I've encountered. It's more than one step back. It's more than 100 steps back. But I'm not giving up. Those rat-fraggards are not going to make my body their permanent home - not while I have even one ounce of fight left in me.
**Takes a deep sigh and hitches up her REALLY big-girl panties**
Spark People says one step back, two steps forward. So, here I go rededicating myself to finding that lean, strong and agile me that's been buried under all those layers of my own lack of focus.
Check out my main Spark Page photo. That's the Fit-N-Healthy Me I want to be by this time next year. (Of course I'll be older than this chick looks, but they didn't have a 60 year old model.)
I'm still working on my goals for 2012 and while there will be writing and other self-improvement goals included, I am working on a plan that allows me to incorporate all the healthiest aspects. In addition to resolutions, goal setting, etc., I am adding PRIORITY SETTING as part of my planning for the coming year and I'm going to learn how to manage multiples better.
Goal weight at 12/31/12: 145 pounds. That's "only" 65 pounds and that should be do-able if I discipline myself to stick with the program.
No, it isn't all about the number on the scale. I get that. But that number will be the target at which all my other goals will aim.
Take that, you filthy, nasty rat-fraggardly, vile, disgusting yellow Fatties!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Today I am having a really bad "healthy me" day.
It really started last night when a meeting I had ran long and I didn't get home until about 11:00 pm. from a day that had begun at 04:00.
When I finally got home, DH offered me leftovers from the dinner he had made for himself: fried Spam and french fries. At least it was "light" Spam. I keep a few cans on hand in our emergency preparedness kit because it has a shelf life of like - forever. So, hubby raided the emergency supplies because he loves Spam and I will not make it for him unless we're under some disaster alert.
I passed on the leftovers, feeling very proud of myself (although IDK why. I ate cheese dip and pita chips at the meeting - not the healthiest choice in the world). I decided to sit down and check my email before turning in. That was a big mistake because I ended up reading emails until way past midnight. At one point, I went and grabbed the bag of leftover Spam and fries and took it back with me to the computer desk - where I sat there and ate ALL the leftovers. Not like it was a ton, but still! Since when did I start eating in the middle of the night?
When I finally did make myself go to bed, it was past 1:00 am. and I had trouble going to sleep. The last glance I had at the clock, it said "3:17."
Needless to say, when the alarm went off at 04:00 this morning, I was not a happy camper. I allow myself a lot of leeway in the mornings, so I turned of the "first" alarm and went back to sleep. I got up after hitting "snooze" on the 6:00 am. alarm several times and when my feet hit the floor, I realized that I had just slept away my time for doing laundry and household chores AND the time I set aside for my morning workout. I started the coffee and jumped in the shower, but when it was time to leave for work, I still felt barely awake - which accounts for why I forgot all about breakfast, lunch and dinner.
So, with no fuel in my tummy, no exercise under my belt, and not enough coffee to keep my eyelids open, I arrived at work - late and groggy. I managed for a while but around 10:30 am., my tummy reminded me that I had skipped breakfast. Instead of doing the smart thing and sticking with Plan B - instant oatmeal that I keep at my desk - I did the dumb thing and bought a cinnamon roll from the vending machine. Not the smartest choice but at least it was only 400 empty calories.
Fast forward to lunch time. (I wish I could have fast-forwarded, the morning felt like it was a week long!) I have a taste for a big, fat, juicy hamburger loaded with grilled onions and mushrooms and topped with Swiss cheese. My brain registers that I am only craving that because I am sleep-deprived, but some unseen force orders me to disregard the warning. I go to the restaurant and order the big, fat, juicy burger in a combo - with fries and an iced tea. Suddenly, just as the clerk was telling me how much I owed, some demon inside me blurted out that I wanted a small order of fried onion rings added on. Yes...and I ate all of that. Every last crumb. I was gathering speed, rolling downhill without so much as an emergency brake. Well over 3000 empty calories for the lunch fiasco, I feel sure.
Now it's mid-afternoon and I feel stuffed - and groggier than ever. There isn't enough caffeine in the world to perk me up at this point. I still have a ways to go before I can call it a day. And I realize now that I did not consult my menu plan this morning which means I did not ask or answer the question "what's for dinner" so I will have to cook something on the fly after I get home. I feel like I could fall asleep at any second.
Oh, yeah...and my water bottle is sitting at home on the kitchen counter.
This is not a good state of affairs.
I am not judging myself or beating myself up over the mistakes I made, but I sure am wallowing in the consequences. I am reminding myself: This is how you feel when you don't eat properly, get adequate sleep, stay well-hydrated, or get at least a little bit of exercise into your day. It feels horrible, awful, terrible, and very bad. I feel like an exhausted, bloated, fat, uncoordinated lump. I hope I burn these feelings so deep into my memory that I never, ever get myself into this state again. These are the physical feelings I'm talking about here.
The emotional feelings are pretty well under control given the circumstances. I'm angry with myself for making the bad choices that got me into this predicament, but it is a righteous anger, not one that calls me names or tells me I am worthless. It is a "why would you do this to yourself?" kind of anger.
I am trying to use this as a learning experience so I'll be smarter the next time about how one thing wants to lead to another. I am contemplating how a series of bad choices compound one another. I am reminding myself that the way I feel physically is my own doing. And I am posting this as an example of what NOT to do if you want to have a healthy lifestyle.
And I'm hoping I can stay awake and alert enough to make it through the rest f the day and evening. I promise to go to bed at a decent hour tonight. Honest!
Thursday, April 08, 2010
It has been longer than I realized since I have blogged, so I decided that today I would take a few minutes to thank all of my wonderful Spark Friends for the love, encouragement and support they provide me.
Not only do you wonderful people do your darnest to help me stay on track, you have encouraged and blessed me in so many, many other areas of my life.
Without you, I would not have had the courage to "go public" with my desire to get my writing career off the ground. You have all made me feel like this is something that's worth my time and effort. You have made me feel like there is no reason I can't be successful at it.
Without you, I probably would have blown a gasket by now over things that frustrate me. You have listened to me rant and rave over silly and serious things alike and you have done so without being judgmental or condescending.
Thanks to you, I get a chuckle just about every day and a good old fashioned belly laugh every now and then.
You have broadened my horizons, shared your knowledge, discussed books with me, and sometimes engaged me in debates. So, thanks to you, my brain is getting great exercise, too!
You have reminded me to take my medication. You have reminded me to drink my water. You have celebrated victories with me, shared happy news with me, comforted me when I was sad, encouraged me when I was ready to give up, and you have shown me more love and respect than the average person receives in a lifetime.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Even though I've had an off day here and there when I didn't manage to get my 30 minutes of cardio in or I fell asleep before doing any writing, I'm really doing it! I'm really moving forward on setting and achieving my goals and making my dreams come true.
There's no turning back now on my goal of writing a book about my experiences surviving a ruptured cerebral aneurysm. Not only have I told everybody on Spark People about it and told people I work with and some family members about it, today I actually wrote and mailed a letter to my neurosurgeon telling him what I'm up to doing. How embarrassing it would be now to not follow through? Even if the book never finds a publisher, it now MUST be written.
I had a "cold-feet"moment after dropping that letter to the doctor in the mail slot. That negative voice started yapping in my ear and I felt like I was either going to puke on my shoes, cry, or try to disappear off the face of the earth. But...thanks to that Sean Connery voice that says positive things to me, I have set those reactions aside and I am now focusing on the inevitability of success.
Once you take action toward a goal, you have to be a real quitter not to get there eventually. If I could survive what I've already been through in my life, surely I can survive the success of this endeavor. I am honestly starting to believe that it's success that scares me - not the possibility of failure. What a silly thing to fear! Success? Come on, now!
So, sick feeling in my stomach and all, here's me moving forward. I'm really doing it - no matter how it turns out in the end.
Friday, October 30, 2009
MELA1953 from the Ghost Hunters Fans team wrote a very insightful blog today that inspired me to come here and reflect on some recent experiences I've had. Bear with me on this because I'm still puzzling over it myself, which means I'm likely to ramble.
Even though I still have a long way to go to reach my weight goals and, like many of you, I tend to get discouraged when I don't see that number on the scale move like I want it to, I have to admit that most of the time my brain thinks I look pretty darned good these days. Then I have one of those split-second deals where for some ungodly reason, I focus on a flaw and my brain says "You don't look as good as you think you do, missy." I don't much care for those moments.
It has been happening to me more often lately. First I went through two solid weeks of elation because I was able to buy a smaller size Halloween costume this year than I expected to be able to fit into. DH even said I looked "hot" in the costume. Great for the ego. Then came the day of my Halloween party when I put the danged thing on, checked myself in the mirror and my brain said, "No, missy, you look fat...not hot...fat." Bummer.
It happened again this morning. I put on my black spider-webby-looking sweater and a pair of relatively new jeans, did my hair and makeup and my brain said to me, "You look pretty darned good, old gal." I leaned in toward the mirror to put on a little bit of lip color and gloss and when I stood back for one last check of me, my eyes suddenly saw that my thighs look really wide in these new jeans. From there it was all downhill. Next thing I knew, I was assessing the width of my backside and lamenting the southbound journey that all of my valuables have been taking the past few years. Rats!
I went, in my mind, from HOT to NOT in a matter of seconds. I told myself that this is as good as it's ever going to get and, unfortunately, I believed me. There went that self-esteem and that positive self-image. What the heck??
So, why is it that the "me" I see in my mind looks pretty darned good, but the "me" I see in the mirror is old, fat and ugly? I'm almost willing to risk all the compounded years of bad luck to smash every mirror I see. I much prefer the way my brain sees me than what a shiny surface reflects.
I have come to the conclusion that there's something about mirrors that makes me focus on the flaws. Why is that?
I keep telling myself that how I feel is far more important than how I look, but I can't help wondering if the rest of the world sees the fit, beautiful, shapely woman that exists in my mind's eye...or the old, fat, saggy person that resides in my mirror.
All I can say is thank goodness the old ugly fat broad only makes a few random appearances. Ninety-five percent of the time I feel like look pretty darned good for woman my age. The other five percent of the time, some evil demon takes control of my mirror and tries to shake my confidence.
I'm not worried. I know I will prevail. Good always overcomes evil, right?
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