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Unzipping the Unhappy Me

Thursday, January 03, 2013

I'm emotionally up and down. DH usually returns home after a 7-8 hr drive Friday nights and leaves on Sundays back to his new work locale out of state. He likes his new job and that's good for him. He was home for a week or so during Christmas holidays and it was pretty okay I guess.

Miss Julie, Therapist, talked about "isms" in life -- alcoholism, consumerism (shopping addiction), pornography-ism?, drug addiction-ism, etc; how they're diversions from reality. I guess I could say I feel 'isms' when I eat the Starburst or potatoes/chips as they, too, are diversions from my health reality. On that front I try to have compassion for myself.

You know how the people you're around affect your diet? Well, it's not going good for me on that front. A combo of thyroid being out of whack (even with upped dose of T4 Synthroid from 100mcg to 125mcg ... I'm reminded how this seems to happen EVERY winter). My T3 is not working, so appt with doc is set for tomorrow; he'll probably want to start me back on Armour forgetting how I hate Armour. I have to eat less than 1000 calories to lose weight. Have gained 30 lbs. It has been as high as 35, but have gotten 5 off. I realize I'm not the best stress diverter. Stress is sucking out my thyroid hormones. I know this will take months to figure out/equalibriate and I'm trying to quell the bitterness within as it fuels my stress. I can READ about how to destress, but I need to DO it. I'll take a walk or listen to music as I really enjoy that.

Yesterday I ate an egg yolk, half avocado, 100g ground turkey and romaine lettuce salad with jarred artichoke, omega oil. I also ate two leftover pints of Hagen Daaz ice-cream, and a full carton of chocolate almond milk. I couldn't eat all the salad, but did try to eat all the turkey.

I awakened this morning with a headache (I think this happens when I NEED to eat, or it was the strawberry in the ice-cream or chocolate and almonds in the almond milk) drinking two glasses water, and added more (6oz) ground turkey and finished up the leftover salad greens. Egg yolk, again, too. Snack: Cup of peach green tea and two gf lemon almond biscotti cookies. At same time had 2 glasses of water laced with an ounce or tad more of pomegranate juice. Pooed twice by now. Good feeling. :) However, I got a slight headache (histamine reaction). Should have had only one cookie or okay, none, and an apple. Saving the apples for later.

So, TSH was at 12-ish, now 8-ish. I cry easily. I have emotionally good and bad days. I'm bored. I'm trying to not think about moving as it stresses me out (no one in my family is allowed to ask questions about it!). One of my favorite things is to shop the one-day sale at a local dept store once a year. It was fun, but I came home and looked at my loot and want to take most of it back, good deal or not. I've been watching YT vids about having less is having more. So true. And same with food abundance and isms.

So, life gave me yet another hiccup to overcome. I'm doing it slowly and blogging about it. What have you been up to?
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Cry-y-y-ing ... STILL

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Another emotional setback. Actually my heart has been talking to me. I've been bawling on and off during the day as I may have mentioned in previous blog posts, not sure anymore. Sometimes I don't know why, and I told Miss Julie, Therapist, that I feel like I have Post Traumatic Stress. She concurred.

DH and I talked for 4 hrs. So glad the daughter didn't come home. I'm tired of thinking about This and That. I don't talk to anyone else about it except the therapist. I've gone through other people's dramas. It's heartbreaking and stressful. I don't want to stress anyone else out. (and thanks to my itty-bitty few SP friends who are there for me - it's so wild I'm more close with online friends than family - but they're kinda like dogs: loyal and nonjudging; well, unless I want them to be judging, then they'll judge. LOL. Love my SP buds! emoticon)

*histamine heart's palpitating good right now and did all night - no rest for the weary*
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Thanks for Giving

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Dd worked, and Dh and I went to a neighbor's. When I look back at my state of mind the past 6 months, I can say I was an emotional wreck: I felt anxiety to the nth degree, but it was a different anxiety than my celiac anxiety as I could handle it. I can attribute this to the fact that I have MUCH MUCH MUCH! better adrenal health this time around due to a better-for-ME allergen-free diet.

Anyway, I baked a ham and some sweet potatoes. Neighbor was willing to roast a gf turkey but I didn't want her to change her habits/recipe due to my needs. I'm not being a martyr but it gets into considering cross-contamination of the roasting pan and so on, and I didn't want get into it. So, I bought a ham at Sam's Club. They were out of turkeys. Ham is cured and is high histamine. I was able to pick through a salad (picked out the cheese, bacon, sunflower seeds, canned mandarin oranges and spinach) ... and had a few leaves of romaine, LOL. No potatoes, no cornbread, no stuffing, no gravy, no whatever and on and on. And I ate maybe 3 oz of ham to see how I'd do. I brought over some of my own pomegranate seeds for dessert while everyone else ate brownies, pecan, pumpkin and apple pie with gluten-laden ice-cream. Dh was sandwiched in at the back of the room/table and wanted me to get him his dessert. I wouldn't even tell him what was up there knowing I wouldn't even want to serve it to him. If he's to be accountable for his eating, so be it, go get it yourself. He did: brownies (his favorite), and pecan pie. Hmm, sugar. (I bought this at Hallmark at Xmas for Dh ... I'm so bad! bit.ly/12Yw5eW )

Hosts/neighbors asked the after-dinner questions: What are you thankful for this year in our country? Answers were things like "grateful for ability to vote" to "clean drinking water" (Dh's - as he recently got traveler's diarrhea whilst traveling out of country). Next question: what are you grateful for this year? I hate games; not in the mood. I, of course, was grateful for my husband returning home so we could be a family again. I then added I was grateful for my neighbors being there for me during his being gone - they were my family away from family. I started getting choked up. I'm choked up at different parts in the day lately. I just start flooding with tears and can't make it stop. If Miss Julie, the therapist, was there, she'd ask, "What's UNDER that?" Um, unhappiness? LOL.

Deleted text here. Sorry, this'll be disjointed:

Money is Dh's security blanket as it is a lot of people's, men especially. His father grew up with parents from the depression era. One of Pappy's earliest money memories was as a child picking coal nuggets dropped by the train tracks for money for the family. Pappy was very tight with a dollar (aka "alligator arms) and saved and invested. He lived miserly, hoarding scraps of this and that from roadsides and others discards for building projects and other creative and necessary things. He was inventive and if you needed a new pair of glasses, by gawd, he'd make you a pair rather than waste money on such a thing (okay, I'm being dramatic, but I swear he had the same pair of glasses for the 25 yrs I knew him).

Hoarding. Well, yes, when the kids helped him move back to his birthplace, we threw a lot away (including important financial papers tucked into an inocuous stack of "junk"). He had pie tins, cans and jars to drink from, 20 yr old undeveloped film canisters by the drawer full, unworn, new shirts and pants, umpteen years of unwrapped holiday gifts, file cabinets filled with new stuff unused. His mattress must've been 40 yrs old and was saggy and threadbarren, the sheets falling off from lack of elastisticity. He wouldn't go to the doctor to save his life, literally. He fell off a ladder working for the church, and bent backwards over a chainlink fence in the fall. His bruise took up his whole back and all he did was lay in bed with some salve on it.

I gotta get ready for a therapy session, ttyl.

  


In a Rabbit Hole

Saturday, November 17, 2012

emoticon "Je taime mon petit lapin," is "I love you my little rabbit" in French. Forgive spelling errors as it has been since jr. high. I taught Dh to say it when we were dating. His pronounciation was uncoordinated, goofy and very endearing.

*****
I'm stressed. I'm SO sick of being stressed. Emotional roller coaster rides, thoughts of moving us/Dd, packing, eating/food. I'm up to 200.2 today. Yesterday, lessee, I ate: 3 or 4 pkgs of pomegranate seeds (equiv to the same number of actual fruit), Tostitos cheese dip w/Lays and Tostitos (the whole jar), choc coconut ice-cream pint, 1 lb. grass-fed beef w/romaine head (garlic). That's what I can remember. Oh, 'yes' on taking my supplements, and I had an honeycrisp apple (good one).

Today: pomegranate pkg, more cheese dip (yes, another jar) + Tostitos bite size & leftover potato chips, 2 overbaked potatoes with 2T+butter w/Redmond sea salt. The skins were crispy and I enjoyed them. No meat today. Quite filled. Not enough water - will go drink some now.

deleted text here.

200.2. I feel so AWFUL, heavy, tired, and weepy. I'm feeling sorry for myself and need to pick myself up AGAIN. So tired of overcoming crap in my life. SO TIRED OF IT! This is too intense. And this stress makes my fibro hurt (so does the wrong foods/diet). Therapist told me to get some guided imagery CDs. Here's an auditory sample of the Anger & Forgiveness one bit.ly/angerCD from www.healthjourneys.com . There's one for fibro, also. Remember when I visited Dh in FL and we rode bikes 15 miles? No Pain - it was largely due to not eating fermented foods I'm sure, but also because I WAS HAPPY. :( So fleeting ... but I did appreciate every second.
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I'm going to try to find my loving hat and am going to try to love myself again starting right now by going to bed at a decent time. Maybe my love with grow with some rest.
emoticon emoticon mon petit lapin

  


I visited a dietitian

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

emoticon Yesterday I met with a dietitian who had her masters degree. I let her steer her appt with me, and it took a while going through my food history before I started getting to my current issues w/the histaminosis/histamine intolerance. I think she had a routine and the eventual story she got out of me was a surprise. She thinks I'm hard on myself and that I need to relax, which is hard to do right now. I brought some of my more current labs and she didn't think they were bad at all (except my cholesterol changed to awful says me). She thinks I should eat dairy once in a while, to treat myself. I'm so weak right now I did just that. Yesterday and today I ate some full fat Greek honey yogurt. My old friend. Big mistake. The past two nights I tried to not take my anti-histamine to sleep and I didn't sleep well at all. I was so tired for the appt. Anyway, I took some anti-histamine last night to try to catch up and it helped, but I awakened early around 4 am and just lay there thinking. I thought about my marital relationship, who I am, what I want for the rest of my life. DH is in the southern hemisphere on a 2 week business trip. It's an awkward time for us, and communication is difficult again. He'll be home for Thanksgiving wkend and go back to work out of state after that to temp housing. I'm overwhelmed with what to do with all our junk for getting the house on the market. I need to rent a POD or something to get rid of all my nutrition books. :)

emoticonWhen I eat dairy, I get depressed and ache so why am I listening to a dietitian who obviously doesn't understand? She thinks I'm uptight about this diet, and yeah, I am! You have to be or you get depressed and ache. So that was a reminder to not give in. She's well intended, but it's my body and I know it best.

emoticonShe asked that I give up the scale ... with an open heart I said I'd do it. After having dairy, Starburst and potato chips "to relax" with food last night I was interested to see how many pounds I'd gained, but I did as asked and didn't weigh myself as usual after I go to the bathroom upon awakening. If I were to tell you how I feel upon awakening I'd say I didn't sleep well (ate too high histamine, duh) and that I ached and was stiff, my hams hurt a bit.

emoticonI ate before bed, too, ice-cream - Hagen Daz strawberry (strawberry=histamine). The day before I ate well, and the day before THAT, I ate a lot (unintended carb cycling-haha?). I lose weight when I stay true to my low-histamine. Oftentimes when I don't eat enough, I'll get a headache: because not eating is a histamine stress, too; your body likes to depend on you, likes rhythm and that word that haunts me: balance. I am still bad about making fresh protein so I get hungry, oopsy me. I was reading some other low-histaminers cook their meat from the frozen state - just pop that bird into a hot oven! After it's done cooking, freeze leftovers immediately so the histamine growth will be retarded.

emoticon When I told dietitian that I was doing Paleo she said, "Ooh, all that protein."
And I said, "What ARE you talking about? I have a serving at every meal, what's the problem?"
She didn't say much. She asked what diets I'd been on so I told her about my liquid protein fast when I was 18, then at 20 how I did 500 cals a day with American Weight Loss Systems (she'd never heard of them). Then I told her I did SAD diet but said "food pyramid" and she was so relieved. I wanted to laugh. She thinks I got a handle on things and didn't reschedule a meeting.

Here's a poke/funny at RD's on youtube "Sh!t Registered Dietitians Say": bit.ly/whatrdsays

emoticon NOTE TO SELF: YOU'RE SMART. LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE. STAY LOW HISTAMINE!
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Reminder: Need to check my folate and B6 level...and recheck thyroid. I'd love to get another leaky gut test to see what I'm doing to myself.

  


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