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Monday, January 07, 2013


Keep pushing.

Monday, January 07, 2013

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Unzipping the Unhappy Me

Thursday, January 03, 2013

I'm emotionally up and down. DH usually returns home after a 7-8 hr drive Friday nights and leaves on Sundays back to his new work locale out of state. He likes his new job and that's good for him. He was home for a week or so during Christmas holidays and it was pretty okay I guess.

Miss Julie, Therapist, talked about "isms" in life -- alcoholism, consumerism (shopping addiction), pornography-ism?, drug addiction-ism, etc; how they're diversions from reality. I guess I could say I feel 'isms' when I eat the Starburst or potatoes/chips as they, too, are diversions from my health reality. On that front I try to have compassion for myself.

You know how the people you're around affect your diet? Well, it's not going good for me on that front. A combo of thyroid being out of whack (even with upped dose of T4 Synthroid from 100mcg to 125mcg ... I'm reminded how this seems to happen EVERY winter). My T3 is not working, so appt with doc is set for tomorrow; he'll probably want to start me back on Armour forgetting how I hate Armour. I have to eat less than 1000 calories to lose weight. Have gained 30 lbs. It has been as high as 35, but have gotten 5 off. I realize I'm not the best stress diverter. Stress is sucking out my thyroid hormones. I know this will take months to figure out/equalibriate and I'm trying to quell the bitterness within as it fuels my stress. I can READ about how to destress, but I need to DO it. I'll take a walk or listen to music as I really enjoy that.

Yesterday I ate an egg yolk, half avocado, 100g ground turkey and romaine lettuce salad with jarred artichoke, omega oil. I also ate two leftover pints of Hagen Daaz ice-cream, and a full carton of chocolate almond milk. I couldn't eat all the salad, but did try to eat all the turkey.

I awakened this morning with a headache (I think this happens when I NEED to eat, or it was the strawberry in the ice-cream or chocolate and almonds in the almond milk) drinking two glasses water, and added more (6oz) ground turkey and finished up the leftover salad greens. Egg yolk, again, too. Snack: Cup of peach green tea and two gf lemon almond biscotti cookies. At same time had 2 glasses of water laced with an ounce or tad more of pomegranate juice. Pooed twice by now. Good feeling. :) However, I got a slight headache (histamine reaction). Should have had only one cookie or okay, none, and an apple. Saving the apples for later.

So, TSH was at 12-ish, now 8-ish. I cry easily. I have emotionally good and bad days. I'm bored. I'm trying to not think about moving as it stresses me out (no one in my family is allowed to ask questions about it!). One of my favorite things is to shop the one-day sale at a local dept store once a year. It was fun, but I came home and looked at my loot and want to take most of it back, good deal or not. I've been watching YT vids about having less is having more. So true. And same with food abundance and isms.

So, life gave me yet another hiccup to overcome. I'm doing it slowly and blogging about it. What have you been up to?
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Cry-y-y-ing ... STILL

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Another emotional setback. Actually my heart has been talking to me. I've been bawling on and off during the day as I may have mentioned in previous blog posts, not sure anymore. Sometimes I don't know why, and I told Miss Julie, Therapist, that I feel like I have Post Traumatic Stress. She concurred.

DH and I talked for 4 hrs. So glad the daughter didn't come home. I'm tired of thinking about This and That. I don't talk to anyone else about it except the therapist. I've gone through other people's dramas. It's heartbreaking and stressful. I don't want to stress anyone else out. (and thanks to my itty-bitty few SP friends who are there for me - it's so wild I'm more close with online friends than family - but they're kinda like dogs: loyal and nonjudging; well, unless I want them to be judging, then they'll judge. LOL. Love my SP buds! emoticon)

*histamine heart's palpitating good right now and did all night - no rest for the weary*


Thanks for Giving

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Dd worked, and Dh and I went to a neighbor's. When I look back at my state of mind the past 6 months, I can say I was an emotional wreck: I felt anxiety to the nth degree, but it was a different anxiety than my celiac anxiety as I could handle it. I can attribute this to the fact that I have MUCH MUCH MUCH! better adrenal health this time around due to a better-for-ME allergen-free diet.

Anyway, I baked a ham and some sweet potatoes. Neighbor was willing to roast a gf turkey but I didn't want her to change her habits/recipe due to my needs. I'm not being a martyr but it gets into considering cross-contamination of the roasting pan and so on, and I didn't want get into it. So, I bought a ham at Sam's Club. They were out of turkeys. Ham is cured and is high histamine. I was able to pick through a salad (picked out the cheese, bacon, sunflower seeds, canned mandarin oranges and spinach) ... and had a few leaves of romaine, LOL. No potatoes, no cornbread, no stuffing, no gravy, no whatever and on and on. And I ate maybe 3 oz of ham to see how I'd do. I brought over some of my own pomegranate seeds for dessert while everyone else ate brownies, pecan, pumpkin and apple pie with gluten-laden ice-cream. Dh was sandwiched in at the back of the room/table and wanted me to get him his dessert. I wouldn't even tell him what was up there knowing I wouldn't even want to serve it to him. If he's to be accountable for his eating, so be it, go get it yourself. He did: brownies (his favorite), and pecan pie. Hmm, sugar. (I bought this at Hallmark at Xmas for Dh ... I'm so bad! )

Hosts/neighbors asked the after-dinner questions: What are you thankful for this year in our country? Answers were things like "grateful for ability to vote" to "clean drinking water" (Dh's - as he recently got traveler's diarrhea whilst traveling out of country). Next question: what are you grateful for this year? I hate games; not in the mood. I, of course, was grateful for my husband returning home so we could be a family again. I then added I was grateful for my neighbors being there for me during his being gone - they were my family away from family. I started getting choked up. I'm choked up at different parts in the day lately. I just start flooding with tears and can't make it stop. If Miss Julie, the therapist, was there, she'd ask, "What's UNDER that?" Um, unhappiness? LOL.

Deleted text here. Sorry, this'll be disjointed:

Money is Dh's security blanket as it is a lot of people's, men especially. His father grew up with parents from the depression era. One of Pappy's earliest money memories was as a child picking coal nuggets dropped by the train tracks for money for the family. Pappy was very tight with a dollar (aka "alligator arms) and saved and invested. He lived miserly, hoarding scraps of this and that from roadsides and others discards for building projects and other creative and necessary things. He was inventive and if you needed a new pair of glasses, by gawd, he'd make you a pair rather than waste money on such a thing (okay, I'm being dramatic, but I swear he had the same pair of glasses for the 25 yrs I knew him).

Hoarding. Well, yes, when the kids helped him move back to his birthplace, we threw a lot away (including important financial papers tucked into an inocuous stack of "junk"). He had pie tins, cans and jars to drink from, 20 yr old undeveloped film canisters by the drawer full, unworn, new shirts and pants, umpteen years of unwrapped holiday gifts, file cabinets filled with new stuff unused. His mattress must've been 40 yrs old and was saggy and threadbarren, the sheets falling off from lack of elastisticity. He wouldn't go to the doctor to save his life, literally. He fell off a ladder working for the church, and bent backwards over a chainlink fence in the fall. His bruise took up his whole back and all he did was lay in bed with some salve on it.

I gotta get ready for a therapy session, ttyl.


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