Friday, October 19, 2012
I can't believe I got back up to 196. That's almost 200 ya'll. Scared the H out of me. I'm struggling to stay on the wagon, but have only THOUGHT about Starburst when I'm hungry. I mention it to DH and he knows I struggle with it, and he's about out the door to buy them for me. I tell him he's an enabler. He seems okay with that. He doesn't like it when I'm angry - not that NOT getting Starburst makes me angry - it doesn't. I'm anxious a bit, but definitely not angry. I think he does it to make me happy. But Starburst doesn't make me happy ... what does?
Staying the course and living my best. It's my "safe haven." I've made mistakes in my life and I paid for them emotionally. I didn't like those roads, and realized I had choices. I have choices re: Starburst too! I also have choices regarding my future. We've had five years apart. Every time we moved w/one of his job promotions I associated that period of life with the place we lived and my state of health. My health with the stress of moving and the undiagnosed ADD/oppositional kiddo? Well, of course it didn't get better - only worse. I didn't make the last move for financial reasons and that saved us around $200k from property depreciation during the real estate meltdown. This last five years I've also recovered MUCH of my health. I try to not think of my first half of life as a waste as I've learned a lot about patience, compassion, and love for others ... for myself as well. I was raised in an era of hard work. Hard work pays off, but balance is good, too. I'm learning balance.
Mr. Rogers (therapist w/religious bent) is about out of the picture. DH had job interview out of state and it has been about 3 weeks and we've not heard back. They're slow, they said to not give up. (deleted text here). We didn't make another appt w/Mr. Rogers.
Miss Julie, the more pyschologist though also religious therapist on the other hand, we're still seeing. She has been HELPFUL. She's steering me from thinking I have to change everyone including myself. I'm getting it. She's mentioned a few times to check into alanon but I haven't actually gone to meetings. I'm reading online about different topics. I can see where I cannot change him but I keep trying. As my health has improved with diet change, I can't help but want that for everyone in my immediate circle. DH thinks he's heathy and won't die til he's 100. Hmm. I see otherwise based on my reading and experience. He's giving up coffee and omg, you'd think he was jonesing for crack cocaine. I tell him, I know, I know, it's painful, I've been there, but since it wasn't his idea, well, he resents me. Well, I won't go into all the h-e-double toothpicks he's put me through about lil ole cup o'joe but suffice it to say it shows me how addictions are for sure. LOL. And it shows me how his health is not a priority. I also know he's still suffering from depression and his mind isn't working. He's very vulnerable right now. I will not leave him while he's down as I don't want to make things worse for him. He was there for me even though not emotionally ... we'll take one healthy day at a time.
(Deleted text here) But, really, I'm seeing how sick he was. And Yes. Darned childhood makes a diff.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Food me: ...right when you don't think it can get worse, it keeps getting worse. I keep getting worse. Starburst. Potato chips. and now honey Greek yogurt. Hmmmm. Tang, salt/fat/crunch and Pudding mouth feel.
Clinical me: I'm also obviously estrogen dominant per my abdominal ultrasound results (uterine fibroid). My ZRT saliva results prove that: I'm too low in progesterone, too high in testosterone (libido, whiskers, a few zits/boils even). No wonder I can't lose weight unless I practically starve myself and run myself to death/live in my workout clothes.
Have not been regularly running because the fibroid hurts. I used a body wrap to tighten my spare tire/jiggly bits and it helped a bit. I've not been motivated though. My TSH was up to 12 (1.5 is optimalish) and that sure doesn't help, huh?! Fellow thyroid-sistas understand. *sighhhh* If it's not one thing, it's 25 lbs. I feel like crud. Thank goodness I took pics of me jogging in Northern Land to remind me that I CAN DO IT AGAIN, right?! Changing Synthroid back to 125mcg from 100mcg. *sigh* Another 3 months I can't get back.
Lowering estrogen cream (Bi-es) from 4 clicks/1mg to 2 clicks /half mg (or original dose before I upped it to assuage hot flashes). Naturopathic doc says hot flashes can come and go w/stress regardless of estrogen supplementation - least that's what I think she said. Upping progesterone from 100mg to 200mg capsules/night. Having done those changes in about 2 weeks I started my TOM!?!?! YaY on that. Haven't had but a scant TOM since Feb. 10, 2012. Before that it was Dec. 31, 2011. Nat. doc also mentioned I "could" have PCOS - wth?! I want to scream.
Taking 25mg anti-histamine (Equate brand equivalent to Benadryl) before bed for sleep. It SO helps. Recently read some forum online that it can dry out your mouth and to watch for that as it can increase cavities. It's also another thing for my liver to detox and I don't think that's good. Will reevaluate at some point.
I can't fit into my great sale pants I bought for the winter. I'm so MAD, frustrated, unengaged, unfocused, and need some hugs and some peace. I look at him and don't feel much right now.
And now I'm off to find the real me. That 25 lbs is me, NOT KARMA MAN! I'm in control. I'm in control. I'm in control. If I have to starve while I readjust my hormones, I'm gonna hang on and bite the bullet (I know. I can't starve myself. Sigh). I'm in control. I'm in control...
THanks for listening to my drama. I always hated drama. Didn't want no drama in my life that's for sure. (And no, I won't starve myself, but really? I feel better when I don't eat. That's low-histamine diet for ya - can't have a reaction if you don't eat much.)
Monday, September 17, 2012
Old News I haven't blogged for posterity:
Cholesterol went wacky. Need to find labs.
Thyroid: got better. Rx lowered from 125mcg to 100mcg. Retested lab scheduled tomorrow.
Abdominal ultrasound: Uterus measures 9.4 x 3.5 x 4.6cm. Small .9cm hypoechoic region posteriorly in the fundus - possibly small fibroid. Sm. amt of fluid noted at cervix vs a tiny nabothian cyst. No pathologic appearing adnexal fluid noted.
Well, that tiny nabothian cyst is sure bugging me when I run. I wonder if I feel it now that I've lost weight? ARgh.
(Sorry that the time line is off as I've not been posting regularly. You get the picture though.)
Friday, September 07, 2012
That's all I crave. What else can I say but that my middle gut is a swishy mess of newly added Starburst & Potato Chips - 10 lbs so far. I started out good today and it ended badly.
I will try yet again tomorrow.
I've been trying to run again. I'm sore; and that's likely because my eating has been SO off with the low-histamine. Today's bfast after my run was leftover salmon (leftovers = higher histamine), watermelon. I juiced up some romaine and cilantro because I was to get an abdominal ultrasound to check what the heck's up with my ovary??? I dunno the source of my pain, but it's a try. Doc's PA didn't think it was a hernia, so ... the ultrasound tech said he couldn't even see the rt. ovary; let's try a vaginal ultrasound. He was discreet and left a towel over my bottom half as he let me guide in the curling iron looking thingy. :P Anyway, I had to drink 40-50 oz of water so my bladder was filled. The tech said it helps like a window to see the other organs but that he couldn't see the ovary at all. It's a good thing to not see the ovary cause if you do, then it's big with "tumor child" or something. I asked if it was cause I was fat, and he said "no" that we needed to proceed on to the vaginal ultrasound. Report from the radiologist to be send by Tuesday next week and not sure how long before my doc contacts me w/results. Can I tell you how grateful I am to pee? Yes, my new grateful is to pee. Ahhh. All's right with the world. It's the small things that are really BIG.
Deleted text here.
P.S. There's no such thing as "Starburst potato chips" - that's reference to how much they're on my mind - I think about them like that over and over - lol. Starburst. Potato chips. There, I added periods.
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