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Gratitude with abandon

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I'm going to eat whatever feels good to eat today. The food I'm bringing to the Thanksgiving table has not one calorie of low-fat, non-fat, sugar-free, low-sodium anything. I'll be bringing sweet potato and pecan pies, vegetarian dressing (butter and olive oil combination to saute the onion and celery), devilled eggs, and the best fresh cranberry relish ever. There'll be turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, sauteed brussels sprouts, yams, and rolls.
I am grateful to be alive, to be healthy, and to be loved by so many people I call family. I'm grateful to have two wonderful dogs. I'm grateful to be able to work for a living, and to have a job I love. I'm grateful to have a home, a car, clothes, food.
Today of all days, there's no such thing as diet cheating. There's no such thing as guilt, or binging.

Today is a day of fellowship. Of all the days of the year to have something to celebrate, today is the day we celebrate sharing. We celebrate the bounty of our toils, and that of others. Today we bring something of ourselves to the table, and encourage others to take of it, and to take of it with love.

And, as always, today is the day I make pecan pie in memory of Pop. I've perfected the recipe finally, and I know he would have enjoyed it immensely. When I bring that pie to the table, I feel him smiling and sense him saying, "That's good pie".
My wish for everyone is to have someplace to call home today, and people to call family, and food to share, stories to tell, and most of all, Love.

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BIGBADMOMMABEAR 11/25/2010 10:20AM

    Enjoy your day WITHOUT GUILT!

Happy Thanksgiving!


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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Okay, the upset is getting to me in a bad, bad way. I'm finishing up a formal complaint of hostile work environment, and it's at 8 pages in total. I hope...
It's been really upsetting to write all the stuff down that I remember or jotted down on scraps of paper that I have stuffed everywhere for "just in case". I hate doing this. My complaint names several people who aren't bad people, or necessarily mean people, but they're insecure and jealous people where I am concerned, so they've been mean to me.
On the other hand, it's been good to finally feel like there might be a change toward a more positive environment for me.

Either way, I've been binging in a bad way. All day long I have been eating this and that and the other. I know I'm being unkind to myself, and what I should be doing is outreach, but I also know that there will be an end to the feelings, and quite soon. I feel like it's not a binge that will take off, since there's a very specific reason for it, and once that reason is resolved i.e. I finish up my letter, then the binge will resolve itself away. It's not ruining the good work I've done thus far, but it is a setback that can turn into a downward spiral and this I must be careful not to make come true!! I can't afford to go downhill.
I don't have time to fall, now. There's so much prepwork that I need to get going for Thanksgiving celebrations. I want this energy to carry me through the tense times that are to come.
One of the bullies has been asking me for help on knitting projects. I'm not her friend but I'm the only person she knows with any experience in knitting, so I've been helping her solve the problems she seems to easily encounter. Yesterday, she started text messaging me as usual with question one and question two, and I eventually wrote a pretty in-depth explanation over three messages. All of the sudden, the messaging stopped, kind of like in mid-air. All I can conclude from the immediate silence is that she received some kind of communication from one of the other bullies about the letter of complaint I wrote to my union. Maybe some action has already been taken, I don't know. I can't say as I care much, either.
But this person is capable of being verbally vicious, and I'm not afraid of her, but it does mean I need to be ready when the attacks come.

I'll make sure I have healthy, good food with me at work, and I'll make sure that I vent to friends, not to my lunch.

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BIGBADMOMMABEAR 11/20/2010 11:50PM

    Writing it all out is very difficult to do and does bring up really negative emotions. Hang in there! You can do this!


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Anima sana in corpore sano

Thursday, November 18, 2010

"Sound mind in sound body" aka ASICS sports brand.
In my case, it would be "sound mind in clean house"! I finally dragged the stove out and cleaned behind it; then I sealed off the entry points that the mousies have been using for a year now.
I'm getting ready for Thanksgiving food prep and holiday baking, and I can't do it knowing that mousies visit my kitchen counters once in a while. I disinfect everything every morning, but it's just not the answer! It's a temporary fix only.
I blew out my knee last Saturday during my jog. I have not gone jogging since, but this morning I feel like trying and seeing how it goes. I'm getting stir-crazy, and it's okay. Not obsessed with jogging/running, mind you, but it is something that I need to do in order to feel like myself.
We are expecting about 2' of snow this weekend, supposed to start Friday sometime and end maybe Monday morning. If that's the case, then I think 2' is a mild estimate... and it's alright with me. I've been chomping at the bit to get my snowshoes on and go walking. I LOVE winter.
Work has been somewhat tense this week. Everyone is feeling the power... my power. I have been working toward stopping the bullying, and for the first time I felt like the Human Resources person is taking me seriously. She advised me to write up a formal complaint of hostile work environment, because she thought my complaint was just about one person. I told her that if I do that, everyone in my department will be involved because they're all part of the bullying campaign. I gave example after example of the things I planned to document, and her mouth fell open and stayed there. It's at 4 pages right now.
The letter I submitted to the union board has been received and read, I suspect. The union rep was on his cell phone for about half an hour yesterday, and he wasn't happy. In my letter I asked the board to consider removing this person as union rep because of his willful violation of union rules to suit his activities, and because of his actions aimed at my detriment.

It certainly keeps life interesting.
I'm excited about Thanksgiving. Every year, it's always such a busy time, and I live the chaos and excitement and all the food. I don't plan to eat sensibly, but I do plan to eat with Love.

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    I'm sooooo glad you've found your power! I'm feeling mine too.

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CAROLJEAN64 11/18/2010 3:09PM

    What a great blog. I felt like I was looking in the window at a day in your life. I am most impressed when you mentioned snow shoes. I can't do high impact aerobics because of a bad ankle that would have to be fused if it got worse. Can I snowshoe? I'd love to try it.

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Two miles, and I can see forever.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

It's just two miles, but it's the doorway to forever. I logged 6 miles this week so far total, and it's amazing to remember how good that feels. I started jogging in 1991, when a coworker invited me to go with her on her daily 2-mile jog. I remembered having to do runs in the army, for physical fitness requirements, and I remembered the misery and pain they always signified for me. It was different on that day in 1991 ... I wasn't required to flat-out kill myself for a certain time, and I was with someone to chat with while we went along our way.
And thus it began, what has been an ever-since love of running. I spent the last 8 years not running, and they were the most depressing years of all, with my weight spiraling to over 200 lbs, my personal life falling apart, and the grief of losing my Forever Dog in November 2006.
Now I'm back in the groove again. I haven't lost an ounce in the 6 weeks I've been out on the road, but I've lost inches. What I am learning from this experience right now is that I have more fat to convert to muscle before I actually start seeing a drop in weight.
I'll get there, too. Maybe not for a few months yet, but that doesn't matter. Time doesn't matter. I'm not on a deadline.

And here's the best part of all: I didn't do this alone. I am here because of the love and support of those who truly want me to excel and to shine my own light wherever there might be a bit of darkness that I can work to make bright again. The more I love my Self enough to be well, the more I discover how much I love so many others, and how much I am loved back. I am truly blessed. I am rich beyond measure.

Happy Veteran's Day to all. We all know someone who served, who is serving, who didn't come home, who will come home, or we are someone who served or is serving. Bless this country, for we are made great by our doings, and we continue to do great things to help others.

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MIRAGE727 11/11/2010 4:33PM

    I just came in from WALKING two miles and I feel good after all these years. I will try to jog in the future. Hopefully, it will be pain free. I commend you on your effort and persistence. Thanks for sharing and the incentive to take it to another level.

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Farther than I think I can.

Saturday, November 06, 2010

My car turned over 100,000 miles a couple of months ago, so I can no longer measure tenths of a mile increments of distance. I was curious however to find out if my half-mile turnaround point was actually half a mile. My concern is that on average we tend to underestimate actual distance. I didn't want to log mile runs if my distance was only .8 mile.
Lo and behold! a friend of mine came to pick me up to go shopping, and I asked her to measure my route. Where I turn around is actually .7 mile from my house! I've been doing 1.4 mile jogs for a couple of weeks now.
My goal was to get up to two mile jogs before it starts to snow. I'm well on my way to meeting that goal, and not a moment too soon, as the first snow of the season is supposed to be this weekend. Monday, I will do the two-mile jog.

Registration for the 2011 Bizz Johnson marathon is already open.

One very strong positive for me is that running has always been my mental equalizer. I run to meditate, to think, and to problem-solve. I feel well enough to start tapering down on the sam-e. The looser my clothes become, the more powerful I feel, especially since I am no longer an unsuspecting target of my coworker bullies.
I had a phone conversation with my adopted mom today and she said I sound a lot like my normal self again.
Simple words, but they meant the world to me in that moment. I am loved, and I can do anything.

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    I'm glad you are feelling more like your normal self again! sometimes it's hard to get to that point when you are dealing with bullies!

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