Sunday, October 31, 2010
Life is a journey, and along the way I learn. Always I learn. Sometimes I feel like, "Gee, how blind was I that I couldn't recognize this?" and that is what I'm feeling the last couple of weeks.
I'm a target of workplace bullies.
Everywhere I've ever worked, there were always people I knew I'd never be friends with, but I've always pretty much been able to work with anyone. This time is different.
The sad thing is, even though I have identified the cause of my stress, the stomach pain that feels like an ulcer coming on, the insomnia... chances are I can't do very much about it besides quit.
The main tormentor is a union rep, so whenever I've communicated with the union, I meet a brick wall. The department manager is so insecure, I can guarantee that she'll do the opposite of anything I suggest. She often has lunchtime meetings with the rest of her staff, because I am deliberately excluded from them. Therefore, I know very little of what actually goes on in the department.
The list goes on.
Knowledge is power. Perhaps it can also be empowerment.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I think it's about week 3 of jogging. I try for at least 3 days a week, and no longer go with my big dog. It's too much aggravation for both of us - I get frustrated at Blaze's refusal to take my lead, and she gets frustrated at my slowness and frustration with her.
My coach comes with me most of the time, and she makes sure I'm doing alright with breathing and pacing, and I watch out to make sure she's safe on her bicycle on the road. We both get fresh air and exercise.
There was an article in last week's paper about the Bizz Johnson trail marathon on October 9. It's in my neighborhood, and now I have my goal identified. I have a year to get back to distance running, to a more normal weight, and work on endurance at elevation, as I live a mile above sea level.
I'm excited, and always in the back of my head is a little fear, because the best-laid plans can go seriously awry and training, readiness are never guarantees for finishing.
My friends are supportive and already joking about doing the pace car thing, waving donuts out the window as encouragement to keep going.
There is nothing holding me back.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I have a young friend, the daughter of a coworker who lives in the neighborhood. This girl loves my little dog Dorian and comes over daily for her Dorian fix. Yesterday her mother told me that her girl has always been 'odd man out' among kids her age, and that she gravitates toward adults because they don't judge her the way kids do. I thought, well, it's okay, she's pretty funny to talk to and I don't mind her visits, and I have no problem sending her home when I need my down time. Lately she has been coming over with a neighbor boy.
How do I go about being a positive influence?
Eureka, thought I: when next they come over, I'll suggest putting on my jogging shoes and taking my big dog for a jog around the block and they can ride their bicycles with me.
And so it happened. It was pretty disastrous because there are a lot of dogs out on a warm afternoon and Blaze is still not very disciplined on a leash. But I made it around the block without mishap ... didn't fall, didn't keel over huffing and puffing, etc.
The boy suggested that "tomorrow" I leave the dogs at home. We'll give that a try. :>
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Been reading some spark posts about resisting temptations and how triumphant it can make a body feel. Not so sure what to think on that. I've resisted temptation countless times in my life, and not one incident of resistance ever made a bit of difference overall in my attitude or continuity. Is it the point of learning to be healthy that one learns to resist, resist, resist? For me, the answer is "No". Why?
I am a compulsive overeater... I binge at the most unplanned of times. I don't have to think about what I want to binge on; sometimes it's supper. Sometimes I'll see something while grocery shopping and just get it, and eat till it's gone or I'm sick-full. Resisting these feelings leads to disaster.
Likewise, it's just plain dangerous for me to "resist" eating that one cookie or that handful of chips. I don't ever wisely say, "Hm, I'll have my cup of applesauce and feel ever so much better". Applesauce isn't what I want at that moment, and all that will happen is that I'll eat that cookie later and add the calories to the applesauce, the ounce of mixed nuts, the slice of bread with almond butter, etc.
For me, the point of getting healthy with eating, and developing healthier attitudes toward food in general, is honesty. Plain ol' honesty. Resisting temptation doesn't make me stronger or triumphant. It's a tripping stone to a more destructive path, where I think I am actually in control. I'm not, and never will be. I accept that. The good change comes from realizing that I'm always going to be faced with temptations, and I can minimize the impact of each time, de-fuse the feelings, by eating whatever it is that is tempting me.
And, honestly, each time I have binge feelings, the in-between periods are longer and longer, and the binge target food is more likely to be just more of whatever it is that I normally eat nowadays. It's not better, but it's less destructive, and sometimes that's as good as it gets.
I'm finally over the 'flu. This morning I drank my whole cup of coffee and enjoyed it all. Morning coffee has been my day's-beginning ritual for many years; I have a specific way of preparing it, and use a specific mug. The warm days are done with, I think, and it feels like we are in for an early cold spell, if not snow season. I stuck with a low-residue diet all week, drank plenty of water, and got plenty of rest.
Two weeks ago I stopped taking estrogen, and am searching for a working resolution to the hormone crisis in my body right now. It will take experimentation with nutritional support and incorporating more soy into my life (not hard), and I need to be especially stringent about my vitamin supplements. Hormone replacement has its risks but one of its benefits is the lower risk of developing osteopenia/-porosis.
My business-name legal notice is in the paper this week, and I must say I got a little flush of pride when I read it. To supplement my income I decided to start sewing and selling plus-sized scrub tops online. It's a pretty small market niche, but an important one. Being my own business owner also means that I can sell any and all of my handcrafted items, be they clothing or jewelry or otherwise. It's going to be awfully hard work, but I'm no stranger to that!
Looking forward, looking upward. Serendipity means "out of bad comes good" and here I am living proof of it.
Friday, October 01, 2010
I had big plans for this 4 day weekend. I'm trying to be productive with my time off, since I was forced down to working 3 days/week. A lot of garbage going on at work, and it sucks, but I am using the events to carve out a better life in spite of the bullies I work with. Bullies never win.
I woke up yesterday with a terrible stomach-ache which then turned into a stiff neck and a midline fever. Spent the day in bed sipping mineral water and diluted Pedialyte. Trips to the bathroom were excruciating. Feet felt like blocks of ice, but I didn't cover up very much because fever has to have an outlet. It's probably what kept me from throwing up. Slept a lot, but in 30 minute increments.
What a lovely thing to get up today feeling much better. I'm feasting on plain applesauce, which is all I really have an appetite for right now. I don't even want coffee, so I know I'm not well yet.
I have the rest of the weekend to take care of business, because business is what I'm getting into! Out of bad, comes good. I'm going ahead with my online business plans. Once it's all up and running, I'll blog more about it later, but for now I'm excited at the prospects.
Today I weighed in at 188 lbs, but I'm not going to log it because it's probably dehydration weight loss only.
Bless those bullies at work. If not for them, I wouldn't be taking this huge, important step now, at this time. I hope that some day they'll understand how much their bullying has inspired me. I know that their lives are not happy ones, because happy people don't bully others, so bless them for doing what they know to survive.
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