Thursday, October 07, 2010
Been reading some spark posts about resisting temptations and how triumphant it can make a body feel. Not so sure what to think on that. I've resisted temptation countless times in my life, and not one incident of resistance ever made a bit of difference overall in my attitude or continuity. Is it the point of learning to be healthy that one learns to resist, resist, resist? For me, the answer is "No". Why?
I am a compulsive overeater... I binge at the most unplanned of times. I don't have to think about what I want to binge on; sometimes it's supper. Sometimes I'll see something while grocery shopping and just get it, and eat till it's gone or I'm sick-full. Resisting these feelings leads to disaster.
Likewise, it's just plain dangerous for me to "resist" eating that one cookie or that handful of chips. I don't ever wisely say, "Hm, I'll have my cup of applesauce and feel ever so much better". Applesauce isn't what I want at that moment, and all that will happen is that I'll eat that cookie later and add the calories to the applesauce, the ounce of mixed nuts, the slice of bread with almond butter, etc.
For me, the point of getting healthy with eating, and developing healthier attitudes toward food in general, is honesty. Plain ol' honesty. Resisting temptation doesn't make me stronger or triumphant. It's a tripping stone to a more destructive path, where I think I am actually in control. I'm not, and never will be. I accept that. The good change comes from realizing that I'm always going to be faced with temptations, and I can minimize the impact of each time, de-fuse the feelings, by eating whatever it is that is tempting me.
And, honestly, each time I have binge feelings, the in-between periods are longer and longer, and the binge target food is more likely to be just more of whatever it is that I normally eat nowadays. It's not better, but it's less destructive, and sometimes that's as good as it gets.
I'm finally over the 'flu. This morning I drank my whole cup of coffee and enjoyed it all. Morning coffee has been my day's-beginning ritual for many years; I have a specific way of preparing it, and use a specific mug. The warm days are done with, I think, and it feels like we are in for an early cold spell, if not snow season. I stuck with a low-residue diet all week, drank plenty of water, and got plenty of rest.
Two weeks ago I stopped taking estrogen, and am searching for a working resolution to the hormone crisis in my body right now. It will take experimentation with nutritional support and incorporating more soy into my life (not hard), and I need to be especially stringent about my vitamin supplements. Hormone replacement has its risks but one of its benefits is the lower risk of developing osteopenia/-porosis.
My business-name legal notice is in the paper this week, and I must say I got a little flush of pride when I read it. To supplement my income I decided to start sewing and selling plus-sized scrub tops online. It's a pretty small market niche, but an important one. Being my own business owner also means that I can sell any and all of my handcrafted items, be they clothing or jewelry or otherwise. It's going to be awfully hard work, but I'm no stranger to that!
Looking forward, looking upward. Serendipity means "out of bad comes good" and here I am living proof of it.
Friday, October 01, 2010
I had big plans for this 4 day weekend. I'm trying to be productive with my time off, since I was forced down to working 3 days/week. A lot of garbage going on at work, and it sucks, but I am using the events to carve out a better life in spite of the bullies I work with. Bullies never win.
I woke up yesterday with a terrible stomach-ache which then turned into a stiff neck and a midline fever. Spent the day in bed sipping mineral water and diluted Pedialyte. Trips to the bathroom were excruciating. Feet felt like blocks of ice, but I didn't cover up very much because fever has to have an outlet. It's probably what kept me from throwing up. Slept a lot, but in 30 minute increments.
What a lovely thing to get up today feeling much better. I'm feasting on plain applesauce, which is all I really have an appetite for right now. I don't even want coffee, so I know I'm not well yet.
I have the rest of the weekend to take care of business, because business is what I'm getting into! Out of bad, comes good. I'm going ahead with my online business plans. Once it's all up and running, I'll blog more about it later, but for now I'm excited at the prospects.
Today I weighed in at 188 lbs, but I'm not going to log it because it's probably dehydration weight loss only.
Bless those bullies at work. If not for them, I wouldn't be taking this huge, important step now, at this time. I hope that some day they'll understand how much their bullying has inspired me. I know that their lives are not happy ones, because happy people don't bully others, so bless them for doing what they know to survive.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wow. Can it really be several months ago that I last posted? Life has been a roller-coaster ride and not always pleasant, but I've been endeavoring to make the not pleasant parts work out for the best.
I haven't lost any more weight, haven't gained any more.
My sourdough starter new starts keep failing, but that is more an issue of my not being "there" for them in childbirth, so to speak. If you don't pay attention to it, then no fair complaining that it doesn't do what it's supposed to do in spite of the inattention.
I should have more time soon to devote to making my outside look as good as my inside feels.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Okay, fair warning: this is a major rant.
I read an email that was dropped into my inbox by a total stranger, only because I belong to a particular sparkteam. This email was completely offensive in content, intent, and of a vaguely verbally abusive nature.
The writer apparently has issues with being incapable of posting to others in appropriate ways, and seems a bit confused why his "message" seems to be falling mostly on deaf ears, so to speak.
First, he claims that anyone who takes offense at his philosophy of "Tough Love" dieting is simply not smart enough to understand his message. Second, he claims that those who are hurt by his words are just "beginners" and of course his philosophy is only for ... uh... what? Professional dieters? Not sure about that one.
Third, he spoke of an alcoholic family member whom he was unable to "help". In this guy's mind, you're either a "help"er or an enabler, and it was fairly obvious that he understands neither concept. It is also fairly obvious that he has no understanding of addiction mentality, or mental illness, or chemical imbalance of the brain, etc.
In other words, he came off as a self-defensive, abusive, angry and ignorant person.
Why am I ranting about this? I'm doing so because the net effect will be that the people who most need to stay connected in this particular sparkteam will be frightened away or frightened into silence. "Tough love" to this poster, boiled down to kicking people in the butt, figuratively speaking, and who ever benefitted from that? Aren't most of us already quite proficient at kicking our Selves in the butt? And how has that worked, for the most part?
We all are owners of our words. Once out, they can NEVER be taken back, and if they are meant to hurt or harm, that can never be undone, either. If this is something we all know, then perhaps it's time we all made a better effort to ensure that our words come out to play, to humor, to encourage, to love, to befriend, to heal, and most of all, to understand.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
A couple of months ago, I made my first sourdough starter, and I thought it was pretty darned spectacular. I didn't feed it for several days, it took on a fruity smell, and I threw it out and started over. I blogged about it on the bread bakers' website I subscribe to, and wouldn't you know, some fella told me that what I had wasn't "real" starter because I used commercial yeast in the beginning.
?? This website clearly describes itself as a site "for amateur bakers". I am definitely an amateur. There are subscribers who are not amateur bakers; far, far from it. There are subscribers who own their own bakery, who used to own their own bakery, and who want to start up their own bakery. In other words, there are plenty of non-amateur bakers on that website.
So. My feelings were hurt, to say the least. I am here, nurturing a starter with rye flour and water and love, and I even just use a dish towel to cover the jar with so as to encourage the entry of wild yeasts from the air to bolster my starter. It's STARTER. I don't care what anyone says. On the other hand, I never called it WILD starter, as in starter made from only rye flour and water and love and time.
I can't let it go. I should, but I can't. It bothers me that there are bread snobs out there who are only too willing to gleefully educate me on the virtues of true wild starter, not-so-subtly calling me an upstart, a cheater, a sourdough starter carpetbagger.
Okay then. I am now embarking on my third starter beginning. This time, I am using rye flour, warm water, time and love. That's all.
I was at Costco yesterday, and there was a Vita-Mix demo stand getting set up. I looked at the accessories being offered and found a carafe that's designed for dry ingredients - coffee, grains, etc. I once spoke to the lab manager about making my own sourdough, and he mentioned that his wife goes in with another neighbor/friend/baker and they order bulk grains from the local healthy food store in Susanville. Hm, said I to my Self. If I get this dry-ingredient blender carafe, I can buy whole grains as well and grind them into flour as I need, and in that way I'll always have nice, fresh flour! More to the point, I can buy rye in bulk, and grind a couple of cups' worth ever couple of days, and keep the rest in the freezer, and I can get truly sour sourdough "wild yeast" starter from it, as well as some amazing breads.
I suppose that if I try hard enough, I can really go off the deep end with this venture. In the grand scheme of things, is that a bad thing? It's all on the road to optimal health, and to me that translates roughly to doing it myself where cooking is concerned.
I indulged, as well, in some artichoke/jalapeno spread, and suffered the consequences of it with an upset stomach once again. I am evolving, it seems, and my body simply can not process rich foods anymore. Should I be glad of that? I don't know. It's kind of like bariatric surgery: the choice is taken away from the individual, and somehow that just doesn't seem right. I actually AM glad, in a way, because it means that when I binge on food, I have to be very careful about what kind of food I binge on. In this way, I am forced to consider foods that are not so harmful when consumed in binge quantity.
And so my life goes on.
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